Tuesday, December 28, 2004

It's been a few days...

Christmas is over, and I am relieved. I almost hate to see the New Year get here though because I don't know what it holds. The money thing is really getting me down. When I got that thing from the credit card company it really brought me down. I am so embarrased I won't even tell anyone how much I owe. My sister thinks if I get that settlement about my carpal tunnel I can pay it off after I pay the house off. It won't even touch it. :( I took back one of the games I bought my son for Christmas that didn't have the game in the box, so thats $10 credit back to the card. Every little bit helps. I have to call tomorrow to get a check but it probably won't be here till Monday or so. It will be great when I can get my tax return back and my grant money left over from school. That will help a lot. When we went to Walmart today my son was disappointed cos he didn't get a toy. Holy cow. Christmas was just a few days ago. He doesn't understand the "no money" thing. Why does he think the firemen brought us groceries for Thanksgiving and that a Police officer took him shopping for Christmas for the Shop with a Cop program? Just cos he's cute???? I hate that. I'm glad those programs are there, but I hope and pray we never need them again. Its very humbling. I felt like I was saying, "Hi there, I can't afford to take care of my family." My friend and b/f that knew about it said that its only temporary, but it still made me feel bad.
My house is falling apart. My car runs like crap. I have a bad attitude, some days. Other days, I try to forget about the rest. My son and I have been playing with his Gamecube that I got him last year. I got him a game, I mean, ummmmmmmm Santa got him a game this year called Spyro, Enter the Dragonfly. I am having a blast with it. Its kind of a contest between us. I checked online and on the message board for it some said its a real lame game. Well, if you are a gamer, I imagine it would be. Its pretty easy, thats why I can do it. I have like 25 lives built up, so I don't have to worry about having to start over. It's been taking my mind off of a lot of stuff, and its great spending time with the kid. He is so much fun. (It gets a little disconcerting though when I am playing and he gets up and starts bapping his head against the wall. I know he just does it for effect, but still........) I don't know where he gets his smart assy attitude.
Have a great night, and kiss the loves of your life. They are what matters the most. God Bless

Thursday, December 23, 2004

A very cold night....

It's 5ยบ right now, and its going to get worse. Tomorrow is Christmas eve, and I am fixing dinner for my b/f, his son, and us. The son has to be at his moms for Christmas day, so we are having ours with him tomorrow. I am fixing a turkey, noodles, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, 2 cream pies,and hot rolls. I think thats about it. I made cheese ball and have some veggie dip and veggies as well. We lalso have some summer sausage. I don't think they will be going home hungry, by any means. The b/f is coming back Saturday about noonish probably. Then we will have leftovers.
I am still feeling a melancholy over the financial thing. I hate when the depression starts. The house is cold, but at least we aren't freezing. I am sitting here with a space heater on my legs and a blanket around my shoulders. At least we have a roof over our heads, and water, electricity and heat. I can almost hear the furnace sucking up the propane when it kicks on. Right now I can smell the hair getting singed on my legs from being too close to the space heater. I guess I should do something about that.
I don't know if I will get a chance to write tomorrow or not. If not, have a very blessed Christmas. Let your loved ones know how you feel. Think what it would be like to wake up in the morning and them not be there, ever. Then kiss them goodnight, and pray for their lives.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Merry Freakin Christmas

I have to remember what the season is about, but bankruptcy seems to be the word of the day for me. I know I use my credit card more often than I should. I don't usually use it for fun stuff, unless it is for someone else, like getting something on sale for my kid, or for Christmas. I try to use it if I am low on gas and no money, or if the car needs worked on, which it still does right now. I got a thing from the credit card company today. I am hoping I am reading this correctly, that the current rate I have of 14. 95% stays the same, but the default goes up to 28.5%! I hope that doesn't mean that mine is going to be that from now on. I will have to make sure and make that the top priority, right after house payment. I make sure I pay it on time, cos they used to charge me an extra $25 if it was late. That now goes up to $39.90 for a late fee. I am way over my head here. I am trying to eek out the same amount of bills with a lot less amount of income. I didn't have to take Algebra to figure that out. It sucks being poor.
I have to keep counting my blessings, and praying for a miracle. It seems I go about $1000 more in debt on my credit card every year. I am just going to have to start not getting any fun stuff if I don't have the cash. No eating out at Red Lobster. I will when I get my grant money or my tax return, but I will just pay for me and the kid. No treating the boyfriend and his son. Not this time. His son just bitches and moans anyway. Boyfriend thinks he doesn't have to ever take me out for something nice, and I have to give him credit, we eat out a lot and I shouldn't expect that even with the sucky job that he has. His is only getting worse.
I am so far in debt with this card. I am thankful that I kept it to one, cos I sure couldn't handle another bill monthly. My house should be paid off in 5 years, my credit card, never. I always make over the minimum payment, but its unreal how much it costs me a month just in fees and crap. Needless to say, I was in a very foul mood when I read that last night. My poor son can't understand why I get so cranky.
I love him so much. What have I done??? If I die will that just go away? Or does it come out of "my estate" as piddly as it is? That won't leave him much I am afraid, if anything. I sure hope I get that settlement. I will pay the house off, anything else I can pay off, get a decent car to drive, and then get to concentrate on the credit card. As much as they jab me, I hate to even pay it. If its one day late, the interest rate goes up. I think they should give a little leeway for travel time, or weekends, but it doesn't happen. I am just heartsick over this. HoHoHo. :(

Saturday, December 18, 2004

It's been awhile...

I haven't been sleeping much, so I don't know why I haven't been writing much. I know I am tired all the time. I got my stitches out, but they should have been left in at least a few more days. It's not healing quite as quickly as the other one, but I think I have been a little more careless with it. Its doing "ok" though. I thought I split it open today and was afraid to look. I started to fall so I put it down and caught myself with it. OUCH! Flat out on the couch. It didn't even bleed, so thats a good thing. I was really afraid it popped open.
I got my car back from the shop. $211.62 this time. It got a new fuel pump, and I replaced the battery before I took it in. I spent $40 some on it a few weeks ago for a fuel filter, but it didn't help. Then the bleepin thing died on me tonight at the stop sign. I am hoping and praying it was a fluke. I can't afford to pour any more money into it, but if I have to, I am going to take it somewhere they can hook it up to a computer and see what that says.
We worked on Christmas cards today. I don't usually send them out, but since the job is gone and I don't keep up with everyone I decided to do it. I have over 50 cards to mail tomorrow, and one is going to Scotland. I get a card from a friend I met online, but I haven't talked to him in over a year. He probably won't get it till July. I also got pictures ready to go to my son's grandparents. I don't know if they show them to his dad or not. He never calls to see how he is or anything. We used to see the grandparents from time to time, but last year at Christmas I was real sick so they didn't come and I haven't seen them since. I called them up and invited them to his birthday party, but she didn't know if they would come or not. The grandpa doesn't like crowds at all, and I think he would feel out of sorts. I got the card ready to mail and told them they had an open invitation. I sent his school pictures and his baseball picture. He is such a handsome young man.
I am going to close. Love your babies, and say a prayer for me. Everything seems to be falling apart. All I can do is pray and count my blessings. I have many and need to concentrate on those. I get irritated with the b'f cos he is so negative. I don't want to be like that. I know if you have read much of my blog you are rolling your eyes. I am pretty negative here, but thats why I do this, for the therapy of it, so I can let it go and move on. Its working better than not doing it at all. I don't think I am near as depressed as I was before.
Ok, now I am REALLY going to close. Hugs and kisses to all, and to all a good night. :)

Sunday, December 12, 2004

A little whine...

Just a little. My son got to go shop with a cop today and had a good time. The gentleman was very nice. My son said he kept patting him on the head. LOL. He got snow boots, socks, jammies, then hit the toy aisle. He got a Spiderman 2 Plug and Play game, where you wear things on your hand, belt, and an ankle and when he kicks, spiderman kicks on the tv. Its pretty cool. He got one from Power Rangers that is similar, except it doesn't hook to the tv. It was a nice time. It amazes me that people even cut in line though for free Christmas for the kids. A woman was in front of us and someone that came in after us hollored at her. She turned around and motioned for them to come up, so they did. The parents smelled like booze. They had 3 kids that got to go shopping. When it came time for them to go, the guy took us ahead of them since I just had one kid. :) I thought there was some justice after all. I thought about being rude when they got in front of us, but I thought that wouldn't be teaching my son a good lesson, but I hope they are careful about what they teach theirs.
I have been sick now for a few days. (Here comes the whiny part) I took the last of the antibiotics that I had and I am still sick. I tried calling the dr. office yesterday morning, but they had already left for the day. I will call again tomorrow. I really can't afford to go to the dr. but I have to kick this. My throat is hurting a lot and I can hardly talk. Its a busy week for me, with going to school tomorrow to turn my books in and finding my new classes for January. Tuesday night I have my final in algebra, Wednesday I go back to the dr. to get my stitches out, Thursday and Friday my son's school gets out early, so thats no problem for me. Sue wants to go out with Jody for lunch, but I told her I would have to be home early. We shall see. I am broke anyway. I just want to rest and get better.
My car is in the shop. I bought a new battery for it yesterday, but I don't trust the car. I want the guy to take a look at it for me. Winter is coming and I don't want it to die on me when I get to school. That could be dangerous. I hope its CHEAP!
I am going to go lie down. Enough whining. I am sick of it. Take care, and love your loved ones. Especially say a prayer for someone who doesn't feel so loved. It could make all the difference. God Bless.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Counting my blessings...

I have many to count. I know I whine about not having money. Its not really the not having money that makes me sad or upset, its about not being able to pay my bills. My house needs work, my car runs like crap, and the propane is outrageous. But, I have a roof over my head, my kid loves me and is a happy kid, and at least I HAVE a car. There are a lot of people a lot worse off than me. Sometimes it just doesn't seem that way, but its true. I have been worse off before, but I can see it creeping up on me and that scares me.
The surgery went well. I didn't sleep good last night, even with the painkillers. Its better now though. At least the pain killers are helping now. The hospital called today on a follow up call to see how I was doing. She asked if there was anything they could have done better or differently, and I told her everyone was real nice and they all seemed like they knew what they were doing, so it was great as far as that went. If someone deserves a good report, I sure like to make sure they get it. When I was boss at work and I thought night shift did a good job the night before, I would always try to leave a note and let them know. They always heard when something went wrong, but not when they did something right. People take that for granted I think, but it can make a world of difference. I was always flattered when someone would tell someone they were waiting for me to train them on something because I was careful and a little more thorough than most. To me, working in a factory, there is usually more than one way to do a job. I would tell them that this is how I do it, and as long as they can keep up the same pace or better, they can do it how it is most efficient for them. As long as the end result is the same, I don't think it should be a big deal. My boss sure felt differently.
I'm taking my car in next week to get worked on. Say a prayer that is something cheap. He still thinks it could be the transmission, but it feels like something fuel related to me. I think I let the tank get too low and some nasty stuff got sucked up into the engine. At least that sounds better than a tran$mi$$ion problem. :( I don't know what I will do if that is the case. My grant money from school and my tax return won't be here till February or March. I have no idea what my tax return is going to look like since the unemployment will be on it. I am having taxes taken out, so I should get back pretty good.
My son got to go shop at the Christmas store they put together for the kids to shop at. (that sentence was a mess, but I don't know how to explain it any better.) He got me, my b'f. my b'f 's son, and his buddy from school a present. He also got himself one. He went a little cheap on the school present so he could buy one for himself. My stepmother took him and we made a list of who to get for before he left. They even wrapped the presents for them. The most expensive gift you could buy was $5, so that wasn't bad. He used his own money, but when he doesn't notice and I have it, I plan on putting it back for him. Maybe. He wasn't supposed to get himself one. Then while they were gone, I got a phone call that he is accepted for the Shop with a cop program. Sue told me she thinks they spend about $100 for each kid. They make them get some clothes, which he is doing ok on, but he needs snow boots and snow pants. He has tons of underwear, socks, etc. I like to buy in bulk, and I knew I was going to be out of a job soon when it was time to get the school clothes. They have pizza party afterward. I think he will have a real good time.
I had better get to bed. The b'f wasn't feeling well tonight and sent me an offline that he was going to bed. He woke up with a sore throat, which I have too.
Hug the family, pray for the world, and God Bless. (say a prayer for my car too, 'kay? Thanks!)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


I don't think of being poor, as in poor. I just don't have money. I have food, for now, I have a house, for now. It can all change in a heartbeat, thats true. I worry a lot about the bills coming in. I will probably have to get a part time job, but I want to get settled in my new schedule at school to see what I can fit in. School is very important to me. I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. I am too freakin old for this.
I got a letter from the school today. I was expecting it to be about my son having to go to Saturday school (again. ) He was rowdy once, climbed under a desk once, (to retrieve something, he said,) and forgot to put his name on his paper 3 times. So he gets Saturday school. Again. :( I know the name thing may not sound like a big infraction, but he has been told repeatedly. I don't want to take away from what they are trying to do, because I understand it. I don't know how else to handle this either. At least once a week, I ask him, "whats the first thing you do when the teacher hands you a paper?" He rolls his eyes and says, "put my name on it."
Back to the letter, it wasn't about Saturday school. They have a food basket for us we are to pick up Saturday morning. I HATE that I am in no better financial shape than I am now. It makes me sad and embarrassed. I think I have done well for a single mom with no outside income. Its been 8 years since he was born, and I am buying a house, paying the bills on time, but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I wish I was done with school and could get a good paying job, instead of settling for whatever comes along. The economy is getting worse everywhere I look. Jobs are leaving here fast.
My surgery on my right hand is in the morning. I am not looking forward to that either, but I think it will be better in the long run. I can't honestly go for another job when I have a bad hand before I even start. I think it will just be better to get it over with, and the insurance is only good through January. (I think.) Sometimes life sucks, but I am sure there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me. I have to keep telling myself that.
Have a great day. I have to get the house in good order before class tonight. (another test, then next week is the final) I won't be able to do dishes for a few days, and then only one handed for a week. We need to get the decorations for Christmas up too. Bah Humbug!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Another long day...

I am whupped. I went to tutoring this morning, the accounting office, met Sue for lunch, had an appt at the unemployment office, went to pick up the scanner and printer that went with my son's computer, and home. Then we had the Christmas program tonight at the school. Sue came over so we could go online at the college site, but they were having trouble and we couldn't log on, so I couldn't help her.
My b'f is real upset. He didn't go to the program with me because he had a business meeting, but in the meantime they cancelled it and didn't tell him, I guess they think its not that important since he lives across the street. He was in a foul mood, and I don't blame him. They cut his hours at work, along with everyone else, then they didn't give them a Thanksgiving turkey like they always have in the past. Today he found out there isn't going to be a Christmas bonus either. I know thats how he was going to pay for Christmas. I want to tell him not to get me anything, but I am afraid he will take it like a pity thing. It kind of might be, but if he can find a dime he will spend it and not pay a bill that needs paid. His son is very demanding and can't understand why he doesn't spend a ton of money on him every year. (or week) He was talking about going "back home" but I don't think he could be that far away from his son. Things are getting harder and harder and money is tighter and tighter. He is a big believer in Rush Limbaugh (gag!) and Rush says the economy is getting better. It sure ain't here. My b'f says thats just here, everywhere else is getting better. Thats not what I am hearing. It really sucks being poor. I am tired of it.
I am off to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow, and then I have surgery on my right hand Wedensday. I want to get the house good and in order first. Have a great night, and kiss the family and hug them close. God Bless.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

What a movie!

That was sarcasm. We went to see the new Spongebob Squarepants movie. My son loved it. It was "ok" Thank goodness it wasn't awful. I had a real hard time sitting through the YuGiHo movie when I took him to that. I made my boyfriend go with us this time. He wasn't impressed either, but I told him if I had to suffer, he could suffer right along with me. LOL He thought I would change my mind and take my son tomorrow when the b'f wouldn't be here. WRONG!
I guess now is as good a time as any to tell about my boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for 2 years now. I know I will never love him enough to marry him, but he thinks that will change. I hate to say it, but the only reason we are still together is because my son loves him, and I don't want to take that away from him. He needs a man in his life, but there is no way I can make this permanent. He is nice enough, but he needs someone to take care of him, or be someone he can take care of. I am neither. He wants someone to make his appointments, do things for him that he needs to do himself. I know he expects me to offer to do these for him, but he is a big boy. I would love to have a mother too, but it aint happenin!
His eyesight is awful and his church took up a collection to get his eyes fixed. (catatracts) but when he went to the dr. he found out it would only take care of one eye, so he decided he would rather be totally blind than be able to see out of one eye well. What freakin kind of sense does that make???? He wants to be a victim, so he can be one on his own. He is old enough to take care of himself.
I, on the otherhand, have one child already, and don't want to take care of another one. I am too independant for my own good probably, but I am tired on waiting for anyone to take care of me. I would have been living in a ditch a long time ago. He is not capable of taking care of himself, so how does he think I can depend on him? He thinks if we got married then we would have one set of bills. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, and so is he. If either one of us died, it wouldn't be fair to the other one. He is a diabetic, almost blind. The eye dr. told him not to drive, but he still does. I drive whenever we go anywhere together, and I am afraid it emasculates him some, but I would rather do that then end up in a horrible accident where we could kill someone. We have talked about it, and he says thats fine with him. I worry about him driving home in the dark. He can't hardly see to the end of the car I am afraid. I know he can't read streetsigns. The church thinks they can get enough money together for both eyes. The pastor has been talking to clinics I think. I think it will make a major difference in him. I am hoping thats a big part of whats holding him back.
Another problem, is the kissing. How do you tell someone you care about that they are a lousy kisser and have nasty looking teeth??? I don't think he can see them, but they are gross. He brags about not going to a dentist since he was in high school. He needs to GO! He has brown stuff on them, and I want to gag, but I can't tell him to go brush, can I? I don't know how I would broach the subject. I was going on about these cool floss sticks I got and told him to give one a try, but he said he wasn't raised that way. What the....???? I wasn't either, but I learned how. Its not that hard. He seems almost proud. It would kill him if he found out what I thought. I do care about him though and would never want to hurt him. I know I have by turning down his proposal. A few times. But I just can't. I thought for awhile maybe I could so my son could have the dad he wants, but I think I would get real bitter.
Time to close. I need to get some sleep. I think its depression making me not sleep at night but being so tired all the time. I am so worried about whats going to happen. When it gets to the financial crap, I get scared. Its not only me now, but my kid too. :(
Hug your family tight, kiss them softly as they sleep, and whisper you love them in their ear. God Bless.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I'm tired.

I had the resume thing that lasted from 9:30 tiull 3:30, then me and the woman that lectured talked for about 20 minutes while she was printing my certificate. I had to go to my attorney's office after that, which wasn't good. We may lose the case cos of my other health problems, so they can't say for sure it was work related, which it is, as I live and breath. I guess its a good thing I did it while I still have insurance from work. :( All those years I did damage to my hands, and didn't complain cos I didn't want to lose my job. I guess I hid it too well. Did they think I would tell my boss I couldn't do the job???? I needed it too bad. A lot of good that did me. I am unemployed now, and have to come up with the part the insurance doesn't pay. My attorney said not to get discouraged. But I am. :( I want a break. I want things to go right. I want things to go my way for once. Ok, maybe twice. :) My son is a wonderful blessing. He tickles me when he comes over and sniffs my hair and tells me how great it smells. He loves the perfume I wear, and I think that is terribly sweet. When I was a kid my mom wore Bird of Paradise perfume from Avon. They sell it every once in awhile, and I have a couple of bottles. I haven't opened one in awhile, but when I do, I get that warm fuzzy feeling and the good memories of my mom.
After I got home from the meeting with the attorney, we were here for about 1 1/2 hours, then we had the meeting for the active for life program. That lasted till a little after 8, then my son informed me that he needed snack for school tomorrow for the student teachers last day. We made a dash to Walmart, and that took another 1 1/2 hours, counting drive time. We got those junky fruit snacks that they seem to really like. I would have liked to have gotten something with a nutritional value, but its either too expensive, or isn't individually wrapped like they want.
It's been a long day. Have a good night, and don't be too frugle with the hugs and kisses.

A full day...

Today is the Resume workshop at the unemployment office. I think it will be helpful since my resume hasn't been updated in about 15 years. I know that styles change, and goodness knows, mine needs changed. It served its purpose, so now it needs to be better, faster, sleeker. Just like I wanna be when I grow up. Thats going to last all day, then I have to go see my attorney about my surgery. One down, one to go. I sure hope workmans comp come through. The hand I had done feels SOOOOOOOOOO much better. It's amazing. Next Wednesday is the next one. After a week or two, I think it will feel good as new. I hope. Since I am using my left more now, its not as taxing on my right. Thats a good thing.
Have an awesome day. Time to hit the shower!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

It's been a few days...

It's weird being on my son's computer. I am hoping to get mine fixed tomorrow, so I don't want to change the keyboard over. In the meantime, I am spending more time fixing spelling errors. Its funny how I think I am do adaptable, but little things like that can throw me off. I have been staying up way too late and not getting much sleep. Finals are coming up. I just got my algebra homework done for the day, and have yet to rewrite my essay for my final. I was so far behind in math, that I haven't even looked at the essay, and its due Sunday night. To think, I could have one final out of the way already. I have to rewrite my resume too before I go to the workshop on Thursday.
I thought I was going to have free time. I guess I need to schedule better, because my free time seems to come between 11pm - around 2 am. Not good planning I would say. A few more weeks and the semester will be OVER! Math and Comp 1 will be behind me, and that is exciting in itself.
No great epiphonies this week so far. My brain is tired. The cat loves the Christmas tree so we are trying to get him trained to stay away before we decorate it. My son still hasn't figured that one out yet. He thinks if the cat got into the tree 3 hours ago, its ok to squirt him with the water bottle. He will lay in wait for the poor confused thing. The kid just loves to spray the cat. He knows the cat hates it, so therefore, that is his duty. Boy, have I got my work cut out for me.
Time to hit the shower. I think better in my jamas, and its only afternoon. :-0 Have an awesome day!

Friday, November 26, 2004

A Friday put to good use...

My neighbor came over today and started cutting up the tree that fell the other day. I sure got my exercise today hauling wood across the road, and raking up all the branches. My shoulders are a little stiff cos I am SOOOOO out of shape. I have been doing that active for life thing and not losing an ounce yet. It's getting discouraging, but I am going to keep on keeping on. I am doing great on the fruit and veggie part, and the water part is ok. Some days the exercise part of the deal is better than others. Yesterday if I would have gotten points for staying awake it would have been the only way I would have gotten any for the exercise part. I considered lying on my points paper, but I have to face the music. I need to do some fancy stuff and put it in a graph. LOL I really love computers and all they entail. So far.
I still need to replace the modem in mine. This one really sucks compared to my other one, but Thank God its here. I would be freakin out if I couldn't get online at all. I ran updates on his computer all night last night and kept it online so I could go to walmart.com this morning at 6 to get one of the gameboy advances for him for Christmas. My nephews wife works there and she said they aren't even available online till 6. I tried last night anyway and was just getting a blank page. I got up at 5 this morning and made sure it was ready to go, on the page I needed to be on so I could just hit one button and it would be mine. Well, his. LOL Anyway, I tried at 5:55, and got a blank page. I tried again at 5:56, 5:57, 5:58,and 5:59. At 5:59 the page finally came up and said they were sold out. How in the world does that happen??????????? I guess no gameboy advance this year. I really can't afford it anyway, but its the only thing he has really been asking for. I took it as a sign from God that he doesn't need it. The SD card that I wanted wasn't available online and I wasn't about to go to the store this morning to get it. They are animals on the day after Thanksgiving. I went last year and would never do that again. People are not attractive when they are fighting for a bargain. Its not worth it to see human beings act that way.
Time for bed. "We" get to go help my boyfriend find a coat for his son tomorrow. No matter what he gets it won't be good enough. It never is.
Kiss your babies, hug your honey, and tell the ones you love how much you really do. God Bless.
An odd little note: I just did spell check, and it wanted to replace freakin with foreskin. Hmmmmm. Gotta love spell check!

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Happy Turkey Day!

I hope yall had a great day. We did Christmas with the family today and it went very well. I got some Bath and Body stuff, and I happened to get one of my favorite kinds, even though they had no idea. I hate to admit it, but I am really starting to like that place.
I didn't get to post last night cos we had a hellacious storm. It knocked our power out for 7 hours, and cooked the modem from my computer. Grrrrrrr. I am using my sons computer now, which is better than nothing. I guess if I have to use it for very long it WILL get some upgrading done to it. Anyway, the wind was so bad yesterday that it knocked one of my trees down yesterday morning. Luckily one of the neighbors that owns a chainsaw came over and cut off what was sticking out in the road. I think they are planning on coming and getting the rest of the wood. I have 2 more trees that need to come down yet. Actually 3 more. They are all the same type of tree, except for one, so they are all dying at the same time. They are fast growers, but not known for longevity. The other tree is an evergreen and is just leaning way too far. I thought I was going to lose it yesterday as well.
Gee, I can't get much more boring than this. LOL What a life. Yall take care, love on the family, and have a great weekend!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Pre-pre Holiday

Today was a day. LOL. It was an ok day. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't even want to get dressed, but I had to check the mail for my check. It wasn't there again. Its never been this late before. If I don't get it tomorrow I will have to call them again. They won't be able to do anything till Friday probably, and I will have to go all the way back over to the office I imagine. I really hate being poor. :(
I got some good news today. I got the grade back on my last essay. I got an A! He said it was gut wrenching and was organized well. I think he liked it. Its the first A I have gotten on an essay from him. I have to do a rewrite of one for the final, and then I am done with that class. I didn't make it to algebra tonight. The new veggie, fruit and water thing took its toll on me today. I didn't think I could make the drive safely and sit in a classroom for 2 1/2 hours. I wasn't ready for the test anyway. That may be why my tummy was all tore up as well.
My son told me today he is so glad he has a 5 day weekend, so he can spend it with me. :) He makes my heart smile when he says stuff like that. I am enjoying it while I can. He overheard me talking to my stepmother one day about choices people make. I know I should get a sitter more often, and do something for myself, but I don't want any regrets on time not spent with him. There was a girl at work that told me one day that she got to talk to her daughter the previous night. She was about 5 then. I asked what she meant by "got to talk to her" and she said she was staying at her grandmas for a couple of weeks, so she could go out. I can't imagine not tucking him in at night. Missing one or two wouldn't be so bad, but a couple of weeks? It was hard enough when I had my hysterectomy and was in the hospital for a couple of days. Its not an issue for now since I am not working a full time job. I can get stuff done while he is at school. He thinks I haven't gotten him any stuff for Christmas yet since I haven't had him stay somewhere while I go shopping. I come home and throw it in the back of the closet till I have the time to wrap it up. :) My baby boy is growing up. :)
Kiss your babies, hug your spouse, or your cat or dog, (I wouldn't suggest it if you have a boa constrictor though,) Good night and God Bless.

Monday, November 22, 2004


As opposed to Tuesday. No check again today. I called the unemployment office and she said it should be on its way. I keep telling myself that patience is a virtue, but the house payment is looming over me. Ok, maybe not "looming" exactly. Its a week from today. Since I got the money from my school grant and from my severance package I got used to paying my bills as they came in. It looks like that is going to come to a screeching halt. I will just do the best I can do. Merry Freakin Christmas.
The tutoring today went great. I had an epiphany. Sitting in the room with people all around, all of a sudden the clouds opened up, a brilliant light shone, and I could have sworn I heard harp music. My tutors face took on a serene like glow. Now if I can just figure out the other 2 chapters before class tomorrow night.
I started my Active for Life thing today through the health dept. We have 6 people on our team and get points for exercise, eating fruits and veggies, and drinking water. I'm not doing too bad. I walked about 20 minutes today just around campus. I am sure I will feel better if I start pushing the fiber. People have told me I have been full of it for years. Only one sure way to find out. :)
Kiss your babies, call your parents, and pray for mankind. God Bless.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

And the days keep rolling along....

I guess you can tell from the title I got a little nap today. :) Actually, I skipped yesterday and forgot what post number this was. Hehehe. It was an uneventful few days. Nothing bad happened, nothing exciting, it was all good. Well, mostly good. (Sinuses, Argggggggghhhhh!)

I decided today to have my son read to me daily out of a book we choose to help aid him in his spelling. He reads pretty well for being 8, but he is very lazy in his spelling. They teach them a lot different than when I was a kid. In first grade, they didn't have to spell correctly, and it didn't count against them. Now it does, and of course he spells worse this year than he did last year. Go figure. The teacher has him write each word in a list 5 times, so to save time, he does all the first letters, then all the second letters, then all the 3rd letters, etc. etc. Needless to say, when he brings this paper home to do, it takes him longer cos this big bad mama stands there and makes him write it out the whole word at a time. :) He tries to get them all done at school. I just want the best for him and not to have the struggles that I did in school. I also remember hearing that boys brains are not as good on spelling as girls, and that boys are better in math than girls. Does that mean I am a "girl" since I suck at Algebra? My instructor (also a "girl") probably wouldn't let me use that as a valid excuse.

I'm not going to get too wordy tonight. I'm trying to lighten up a bit. It was a very stressful last week, and I am trying to recuperate from it. I really can be a fun person. I think. Hmmmmmmm. I better go to bed. Kiss your loved ones, and say a prayer for them. God Bless.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Another week is done....

Another week has gone by. 11 weeks ago today I was laid off. I miss it. I miss having someplace to go 5 days a week, and getting a paycheck to boot. I really liked my job. I miss the people (well, some of them.) I would love just being a stay at home mom though, but its not feasible. When you are a single parent its usually not a good idea, at least since I'm not independanlty wealthy. I would do it in a heartbeat if I was. The schooling is like a job. I have an essay due in 2 days I haven't even started. If I wait till I am in the mood, it won't get done. Tomorrow is going to have to be the day. I still have a lot of algebra homework to do, and a test on Tuesday night to study for. I have been a slacker this week.
At least the house is clean. They (one guy) came and delivered the basket for the needy (meaning us) today. After he left I cried. Partially because it is nice to know there are people that care, and also because I don't want to be part of the "needy". I am 45 years old and want to be able to provide for me and my child. This is the first holiday season I have been unemployed since I was married, back in the 80's. I will always be stuck in nowhere jobs though if I don't try to better myself, so I am taking the opportunity that I have been given. Its not going to be easy though, but I hope I come through the end a lot better for the experience.
Remember to hug your loved ones, maybe call your mother, and say a prayer for the world and the people in it. You never know what someone is really going through. No one will probably ever read this blog, cos I am not telling anyone about it. I can't feel free to talk about anything if I feel I am being judged by those that know me. My boyfriend thinks I am a problem drinker since I have had 3 wine coolers in the last 13 months, and since I got pain pills for the surgery on my wrist a friend of mine keeps warning me about the dangers of getting addicted to them. I have taken maybe 6 in the last 8 days. I don't think that is going to be a problem. I think I am judged enought without intentionally giving my blog address out.
Peace, and God Bless.

Friday, November 19, 2004

My 27th Post

Not really. I just wish I could think of more inventive titles. This one is #5 if you are keeping score. I can't wait for my brain to get back in my body. This melancholy stuff is awful. Today was a crappy day, and I am going to tell you why.
My dr. appt to get my stitches out was at 11:30. I was running late and walked in at 11:25. Usually I am earlier than that. I would rather be early than late. I hate it when someone has to wait for me. I guess I am afraid they won't think I am worth waiting on, but I guess thats a whole nother issue. Anyway, the waiting room was full. I figured half were the other drs. patients, only to discover the other dr. was on vacation and not there at all this week. Needless to say, I got in to see the doc at about 1. The nurse that came in to take my stitches out was still chewing her lunch when she walked in the room. She apologized, but it wasn't necesary. All I had to do was sit on my butt and watch tv while they were missing lunch. I got the stitches out and it looks pretty well. I'm getting the other wrist done the 8th of Dec. , so mark your calendars for an exciting surgery post.
I post on a message board, and have been to this particular message board for a few years. There are a lot of smart people there, but some seem to use it for evil and not good. I love God. I don't know if anyone can tell by my posts so far, but I do. I hope someone can tell just by reading without me having to say it. Someone posted today that Jesus was a loser and a coward. This person found a website and quoted scripture, and then proceeded to explain why they came to that conclusion. I was angry. I just posted that I forgot how much garbage there was on the web and thanks for pointing some of it out. I hate when I do stuff like that because like I said, they are very smart people. I am so afraid I am going to sound like an idiot, and then I don't think that would be a good witness if I come off sounding like that. I know thats what they are waiting for. The guy posted back that he can't believe I was calling the scripture garbage. (Thats what they specialize in, turning words over and over till they get them in the mix they want, then reposting.) I was going back to reply but admin pulled the thread. Just as well. They only do that to get the Christians on the board angry, so they will spout off. Then they point out how unchristian like they are acting. I say "they" because I try to be extremely careful what I say. I want to glorify God, not give people excuses to make fun of Him. Its a tough world out there. I really got angry once, and told one guy that I will be forgiven, but he will still be a pompous ass. I thought it was a good line. I think they (the antichristians) think that we (christians) think we are perfect. (ya think????) LOL To me it couldn't be further from the truth. I think they think they are perfect, so they don't need God. One of the girls posted today that God is a loving God and won't judge people. I kinda thought that was His job? What do I know.
I have been cleaning. I can finally do dishes since there is no bandage on my hand now. I was doing dishes before, but it wasn't the easiest thing to do one handed. They are almost all caught up now. One of my friends put my name in to get food from the Firemens fund this year. I feel so bad taking it. They are coming in the morning to deliver two sacks of groceries and a turkey. We are going to my parents for Thanksgiving, but we can sure use it anyway. My friend said she knows people who don't need it and get it every year, but I still feel the guilt. Its not like we would starve without it. I sure hope this career thing takes off. I hate taking anything from anybody. I am going to run out of money soon, no doubt about that. I have really cut back on alot since I got laid off. Of course, the surgeries on my wrists don't help. I have to get them done though while I still have insurance. It would be great if workmens comp would come through, but I can't count on them. The hospital wants the balance at the time of surgery, so thats been tough to make. Its a good thing I got the rest of my grant money for school the other day. That paid for one.
Well, time to go. You know the routine... kiss and hug your loved ones. Say a prayer thanking God for them. Don't ever take them for granted. Love them, and make sure they know.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

My 4th Post...

Well, I can't call it day 4 because I missed yesterday. I am taking sinus pills and I found some amoxicillan so I am taking that too. I have the vaporizer and humidifier going where I sleep, so I slept for a change. I was shocked when the alarm went off this morning cos I missed my 1 am wakeup. It felt nice for a change.
I didn't make it to the funeral yesterday. My head would have exploded I think. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally and psychologically. Aren't those all the same thing? Sort of? I told you my head was going to explode. The sinuses are doing better today at least. Finally. I'm still getting blood out of my nose though, but at least SOMETHING is coming out of there now.
Today I go to the dr. and see about getting the stitches out of my hand. Its been 8 days since the carpal tunnel surgery. I was not supposed to use it at all, but that is not my style. I was very careful, so I hope its still ok. Its itching some, so I think that means its healing. They told me to leave it wrapped up so I only unwrapped it a few times to let it breathe better. It looked pretty good. We will probably schedule the next one when I go in today. I want them done, but I want to get this one a little stronger before I get down with the other one. The one I have gotten done now is going to be strange when I get it back full. I am so used to not using it even though its my dominant hand. I mean, I use it, but haven't had full use of it in quite awhile. At least it hasn't been waking me up. There are other reasons for that, and I'm not sure what they all are. Thats a lie. I know.
The stress of being unemployed and the agony of wondering if I am doing the right thing is what wakes me up. I had the same job for 14 years, and I miss it. I will have to prove myself all over again. They knew what I was capable of. I am too fat, way too fat. Sometimes I can be a real smart ass too. I bet I have been hiding that well. :) This all leads to the uncertainty of my life, and I don't like it.
My classes are going well. I am getting good grades I guess, but I work hard for them. My friend that just lost her daughter went to school for a long time, and she had just told me a few weeks ago that the saying goes "C's get degrees!" When I got a C+ on an essay. (The plus is very important to me, cos that means above average C. I hate being average anything.)
Have an awesome day, and remember to kiss the family and loved ones before they start their day. It may be the last time you see them. Keep that in mind.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Day 3

Maybe when I am not so emotionally drained I can think of some better titles. I went to the visitation this evening. Wow. We waited in line for about 1 1/2 hours, and they were still out to where we started when we left. It was only to be from 5 till 8, but we didn't get up there till about 7:30 to see her. (We got to the church at 6.) I bet they didn't get out of there till after 9. She was a beautiful girl who was very loved by many. She was involved in about everything, and very outgoing. Real strong in her church. She will be missed by so many. Even her dad was there. He didn't have much to do with her in life. I hope he learns something from all of this. Its a shame they will never get to mend fences.
My head feels like its splitting apart. I have a monstrous sinus infection but can't afford to go to the dr. I have some great sinus pills I am taking, so I hope that knocks it for me. I am so sick to death of being poor. I called in for my unemployment today, but it was the first cert. after I was declared a full time student, so I wanted to make sure it was right. After getting through all the machinatioins of the call, I had to hang up and call the unemployment office cos it asked if I looked for work. I said no, cos they said I didn't have to now, but I was concerned that it even asked me. The gentlemen I spoke to made me more confused, and said that its not supposed to ask me that question, and just to go ahead, so I did it again, with the same results. I went ahead and completed the cert., but didn't feel right about it. I had to give incorrect answers, and I want to make sure its done the way its supposed to be, so I had to go over there. Its more time consuming, but it actually gets done a lot faster and a lot clearer going in person. It took 3 minutes to fix it after I drove 45 minutes to get there. They had the wrong code in for me, so now its going to be smooth as glass. I hope. I will need to find a part time job eventually. I really need this school thing if I ever want to do any better, especially around here. The factory jobs are going south of the border, and my spanish isn't that good. Even the stuff that was shipped to Mexico is finding its way to China, and I know nothing about the language there. Please say a prayer that I will find a job. Its scary. I don't want to lose my home. I am tired of worrying if I can feed my kid. I am just tired.
Don't forget to tell the ones you love that you do, and give them plenty of hugs. Even if they roll their eyes. ;) God Bless.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Day 2

The visitation is at 5 tomorrow evening. I am taking my son with me. We are going to meet my boyfriend in town and eat dinner and then go. I hate these things. I hope I can pull myself together. I went ahead and went to my tutor today. That killed about 4 hours with the 2 hour tutor session and the drive over and back. Its best to keep busy. I called my friend today. She said she had no idea how much stuff there was to do.
Her daughter was an organ donor. I don't know if I mentioned that yesterday or not. She said there wasn't much left to harvest. She wasn't sure if she wanted to donate her eyes or not, so her mom said they could take anything but that. I think she said about all they could get was her heart valves and a few bones that weren't broken. That would be a very tough thing to do I think. I grieve hard. I think it would be so hard losing a child, and knowing someone is going to be cutting them up too. I hate that I feel that way. I know it could help so many others, but I don't think I could give that of myself. As far as me getting cut up after death, I have no problem with that, but for the ones I love it seems awful. How wacked is that???
This is going to be a lot shorter tonight. I was awake most of the night and I feel like I am coming down with the flu or something. Its either that, sinuses, or something related to the carpal tunnel surgery I had last week. I should get my stitches out Thursday!
Hug your loved ones, and don't forget to tell them they are loved. God Bless.

Monday, November 15, 2004

My First Post...

Today was a day unlike many others. I got a devastating phone call from a friend that changed her life forever, and made me recall a lot of my life already. Her daughter was going to be 17 next month. She died in a car crash this morning. My friend called me and sounded calm, cool, and collected. She told me she had some bad news for me. I thought maybe her father had passed away since he's not in the best of health. I was getting my, "Well, he had a long full life, and at least he's not in any pain now." When she told me her beautiful, full of life daughter died, I was in shock. It was like I was waiting for the punchline. What the hell was she talking about???
I know the way grief sounds. My daughter was stillborn 17 years ago. I never got to hear her cry, or feel her heartbeat. I never got to even hold her. It ripped me apart then, and now my heart is breaking for my friend and her only child. She will never be a grandmother. That seems like an odd thing for me to think of on a day like this. There is so much she won't have to look forward to, and my heart grieves for her. I am remembering about my daughter as well. It all ties in together, and I am so terribly terribly sad.
Thankfully she has a good husband and a great church family. They have been very good to her spiritually and helping her through her trials she has faced. I wish we lived closer. She was my birthing coach when my son was born. She was going through a divorce and I thought it would help her get her mind off of that and on to something more time consuming, like helping take care of me. :) She has been a great friend for a long time. Since my sons father was such a waste of a human being and said he didn't know if he would be able to make it for the delivery, I had to find a coach. I had offers from friends, but I knew this friend needed this as much as I needed a coach. She was there for the sonograms, doctors appointments,and spent the night on the living room of my trailer the day before I was being induced.
I want to be there for her in this, but I am a freakin basket case over this. Right this minute I am afraid it would do more harm than good to be around her. I told her to call me any time day or night for anything. Since I am unemployed right now, I don't have to worry about going to work, just class. I can miss one or two. Life happens. She called 6 hours ago and I have been bawling my eyes out and hugging my son. I told him I will probably squeeze the puddin right out of him. He said that was fine. He's 8 and the best thing in my life. He even brought me in the kleenexes.
I plan on using the blog as a diary, and after today, I figured this would be a good way to get my feelings off my chest. Feel free to comment. They won't usually be as depressing as this one. I am going through a lot of life changes right now, and this one just came out of nowhere.
Hug your family and other loved ones tight. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Make sure they are tucked in tight, and give them a little kiss as they drift off to sleep. Don't ever let them wonder if you love them. Make sure they know. God Bless you.