Friday, September 10, 2010

Twice in the same year....

I'm back.

I hate to be such a downer, but I've been sitting here crying my eyes out wanting someone to talk to that won't pity me and try to make me feel better. I won't. Not yet. My daughter would have been 27 tomorrow. My heart aches. I know I posted about it before, it's in here somewhere. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I'm silently crying so I won't wake my son up. When he sees me cry for just about any reason (real life reason, not sad-movie reason) he starts crying too. My arms are aching to hold the child I never got to hold, I'm mourning a life that never got to be lived. Could it have been for the best? Life can be so hard. Maybe it was a blessing for her. Only God knows. I know my heart was shattered. I lost my baby girl, then my husband asked for a divorce a few months later. The sparkle went out of my eyes for a very long time.

Life goes on. I often wonder how the earth can still spin when so many people are hurting. How can the clock still tick like everything is normal? I can hear car horns on the highway, and wonder what is so important they need to disrupt the world with their worthless noise. People hurt. But the earth does still spin, the clock keeps ticking, and people keep honking their horns because they have places to go and things to do. We keep trying to cover up the hurts with bandaids, like alcohol, food, sex, anything to numb the pain till we can deal with it, like a scab trying to heal. Keep it covered till it goes away. It doesn't. There is still a scar.

Since losing my daughter, I have learned not to take people for granted. I assumed she would be in the car seat on the drive home from the hospital, and sleep in the crib I had made all the accoutrement for. I assumed she would wear the clothes I had shopped for, washed, and had all ready for my little bundle of joy. I assumed wrong. There are no guarantees.

I wonder sometimes as I would watch my son get on the bus, what if he never comes back? What if there is an accident and I never see him again? What if...what if.....

It can be a scary world out there. I'm tough. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Sometimes nothing can make me cry. Sometimes everything makes me cry. I try not to think about my daughters birthday. It makes me incredibly sad. It changed my whole life and sent me down a whole different path that I never thought I would have had to take. Then 9/11 happened with the World Trade Center. I haven't been able to even try to block the date out since that fateful day. The date was never really blocked out, but it wasn't shoved in my face all the time like it is now.

Appreciate the people you have in your life. You never know what will happen.....

God bless.....

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I have been here. Some things have changed, some things have stayed the same.

I still have the same job, and still driving over 10 hours a week just to work and back. It doesn't leave much time for blogging, needless to say. I don't make enough money to pay my bills, so a smart phone for ease of blogging and keeping in touch is out of the question. I like what I do, I just don't make enough money, and with the economy, I'm afraid to leave. I wasn't making enough when I started, but thought after I got my raise it would be better. 11 days before my 1 year anniversary, they had a hiring and wage freeze. Just my luck. Then, insurance rates went up, deductibles went up, and copays went up. A few months after that, we had a 4% wage reduction across the board. So, I make less money now than when I started with this company over 2 years ago. I use my credit card to subsidize what I make just to get by, but I will reach my limit in the next few months, and I have no plan. I have no idea what to do. Part time jobs are impossible to find around here. One of my friends was looking for a part time job, and they told him they aren't even looking at anyone who already has a job, because there are so many people out of work in this area. :(

My dad passed away in Feb. of last year. He had suffered so much, but I miss him tremendously. I have our last family picture on my desk at work, right in the center of my dual monitors, so I can see it every time I look down. I miss not being able to talk with him, joke around, and just love him. We were never a touchy feely family, and we never said "I love you" except maybe once or twice in my lifetime that I can recall. I really regret that. That's just the way it was. I tell my kid at least 4 times a day that I love him. I never want him to wonder or forget.

That's it for now. I'm tired. I'll try to get back soon. Life is kickin me in the butt right now, but that's life as it happens.....

God bless.