Sunday, July 31, 2005
There is so much I need to do. Homework due tomorrow, study for a 40 point quiz tomorrow on commands I still need to memorize, do the kitty litter thing, laundry, and doing dishes wouldn't hurt either. Good thing this is Sunday. I need the rest. (rolling eyes) I just took some drugs for my knee, so maybe it will start feeling better.
After calling the Dr's office yesterday, first they told me to go to the ER, but I told them with no insurance there was no way. I go see my Dr. at 8:45 in the morning. I need to stay healthy. I sure can't afford this stuff.
My modem is on its way. They are sending me a new one. Thats a good thing. I may try to get the 2nd hard drive ready to put in mine since I am going to have it cracked open already.
I better get off of here. Things to do, and housework waits for no (wo)man. Have a great day, and God Bless.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Most of my good links are on MY computer, as I am now on my sons till the new modem arrives. Since we aren't networked (yet) I will get by with what I have.
I have severe swelling in my legs. I have had that for about 5 years now I imagine. I had all kinds of tests ran for 3 years in a row and finally quit. They never found anything, and just prescribed lasix. It doesn't seem to be very effective like it used to be, but is better than nothing. My knee is still killing me after the museum trip 2 weeks ago so I called the dr. to make an appointment. (for the knee and to see about lasix alternatives) I can't get in till the 11th. I forgot about school physical time. Thats what I get for waiting.
After making the appt., I went out and cleaned a few things out of the garage. (actually, I was just looking for something,lol, and decided to pitch some stuff while I looked.) I cut my leg or something, because when I came in I noticed blood running down from a line about midcalf. I take an aspirin every day (which I am going to take a break from!) and it took a long time for the bleeding to stop. I put bandaids on it, (2, as it was about a 4 inch scratch) and for some reason they fell off. It was a little warm out so I wasn't surprised when vacumming and stuff that my leg was sweating. Then I noticed "water" droplets forming on the cut, and running down my leg. It's a clear liquid, (a tinge of blood from time to time) It happened over 20 hours ago and is still seeping fluid. It seems to be slowing down some finally. I slept with a towel wrapped around my leg, which is slightly damp. I have never seen anything like this before. I will call the dr. office when they get in this morning and see what they think I should do. I might get in today instead of waiting till the 11th. I am not in panic mode, but b'f sure is. I just wondered if I didn't cut it, and it just popped open since it was swollen so bad. Its my left leg, and its always swollen a lot more than my other one, and its also the one with the bad knee. The more fluid it retains, the more the knee hurts, to the point of hardly being able to get around. It's hell to be fat and getting older.
I gave my speech Thursday, on the health benefits of laughter. It went really well I think. I gestured, I made the class laugh, and I even showed the caricature I had done last Spring. I wore my "I beat anorexia" t shirt for the occasion and even got positive feedback on that. 2 days of classes, and 2 days of finals and a 2 week break. I am ready for it. Fall is going to be really tough I think. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
I am going to try to go back to bed. God bless.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Yesterday, she took G fishing. He loves to fish. When b'f goes, which is about once a year, he always throws the fish back. He is just after the thrill of catching, but has never cleaned a fish. I don't even like touching them, so its not a sport for the squeamish, like me.
Anyway, when I got home, G showed me this real nice catfish that he caught. Grandma said since it was such a good sized one, she didn't want to throw it back. She said if G would help, she would clean it. He agreed and raced outside. I came on home to start on the dreaded homework. He came in a few minutes later, with this horrendous look on his face. His lip was quivering as he said, "I wanted to keep it for a pet. " He was on the verge of tears, so I consoled him. I asked if she was cleaning it, and he told me no, that she was cutting it up. He thought cleaning was washing it off so it could go in a tank. I felt so bad for him. He wants to go fishing again, but I doubt if he brings any home with him. I have a catfish in the fridge, but I won't fix it while he is around. I am afraid to ask if he named it.
I hope this doesn't haunt him. I can't imagine the look on his face when he realized that grandma was going to finish off the life of the fish. Crap. I may not be able to fix it at all. It's part of the end of his innocence.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
We went over to the water park side around 2. Of course, b'f went to the car to get the swim stuff and got lost on his way back. He was gone for well over an hour. We were waiting in the biggest place in the middle of the park, since they had restrooms and free drinks. I was having a hard time walking, b'fs son never wants to do anything to help his dad, and G would have been hard pressed to stay with him the whole way there and back. Of course, G wanted to be the search party who went to look for him after we realized he was probably wondering around the park.
I watched them on the lazy river type thing where you just float around in innertubes. I was watching all these people float by under my feet. They all looked refreshed being in the water. I was wearing a denim dress. Its the first time my legs had shown in public for a very long time. I am having so much trouble with the swelling, and they look twice the size they should be. After realizing there were women bigger than me in the water having a good time, (it felt like over 100º on land), and I didn't see a single soul I knew, I opted to go in and change into the bathing suit I had gotten before the trip. I tried to make sure all the bases were covered if I got brave enough to do it, and I did. I put on the suit with a pair of shorts, and tried to walk proudly out of the dressing room. Now, one thing that concerned me, among others, is my suit was black, which I was glad since black is supposed to be more slimming. I had a real hard time finding comfortable shorts to go with it and they were pretty much a hot pink number. I imagine my ass looked at least a foot wider than the rest of my body. BUT, there was no one there I knew, except people that were sworn to secrecy. I got in the water, sailed around the lazy river, floating around with a bunch of strangers. It was wonderful. We went in the wave pool next. I was getting burnt and could feel the heat in my shoulders. I was getting down to the front of the pool so I could dunk in, and it felt great. The only people I noticed that said anything was a girl and her friend. They were probably 13 or so. I saw the look from one, the whisper in the ear of the other one, and the glance from the other one. Then the eye roll and giggles. I didn't care. One of the women that I was close to started talking to me. She mentioned about how she hadn't worn a suit in years, but felt a relief of seeing others of various sizes. I told her that was exactly how I felt too. I hadn't been in a swimming suit in over 25 years, at least. She wasn't near my size, but I used to think I was fat when I was her size too, so its just relative. I thought it was so funny when before we got separated, she was talking about being self conscience and not caring in the same breath, and then said, "like after today, we will never see each other again, so what does it matter?????" We didn't exchange names, emails, or anything, and anonynimity is a good thing. I felt a freedom I haven't felt in a very very long time. Its nice to be around strangers sometimes.
On the drive home I was planning on taking a nap. The park is over 2 hours from b'fs house, and another hour and 1/4 from my house. He was having a hard time seeing, one good eye in the dark is hampered by the glare from lights in the bad eye, so we switched drivers. I fell asleep a few times, so pulled off in one town and got a drink and walked around for a minute or two. I was going to take a little nap at his house before coming home, but the fleas were eating me up, so we left. We got home (barely) at 1:30 am. I had gotten up at 4:30 the previous morning, so yesterday was a "nap when you feel the urge" day. Today is going to be "homework till you puke" day. I had a great time at the park though. It was wonderful to be one of the other people just enjoying the park.
God bless, and be kind to fat people. It might be me.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
I am Thankful :
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS HE OR SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..
FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
I was thinking of going the other way, and persuading people to laugh on a daily basis. I did a short search and came up with a ton of articles on the health and work benefits of laughter and humor. Then I could wear my "I beat Anorexia" t shirt to class on speech day. :)
Now, I have to come up with my proposition. Two more weeks and I get a break. Speech class will be behind me, and I can look forward to a heavy schedule come fall. :( I am too old for this crap. But I am going to learn if it kills me.
God bless, and be nice to old students. It might be me. :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I got a humorous phone call yesterday. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I live in a rural community. It must be pretty rural, because we don't have the option of DSL, cable, or any other of those high falutin' things around here. (They have them 4 miles away one direction, and 15 miles away another direction, but not right where I am.) I got a call from Dell yesterday, and they said they noticed I haven't taken advantage of the free 6 months of broadband service yet. I told him its not available in my area. Then he said "oh, so you are using the 6 months free Earthlink or AOL service then?" I replied, "No, there is no local dialup for them either." He sighed like he was going to have to teach me how it is world wide and it is available everywhere. I told him my only other option than the few local dial up's is wireless. He verified my address, and said, "OH MY, you are right. I have never seen that before. The only other option is satelite. Would you like to know when broadband is available in your area?" Damn straight I would. Dial up sucks. I just thought it was funny. LOL I live in a college area, but the phone company must have a monopoly on isp availability. We can't get MSN. which my parents could have had 6 months for free, and none of the cheap or free isp's have an access number that isn't long distance. My b'f is more rural than me, but I found a cheaper isp for him. Its unreal. Oh well. One day I will get big money, get all my debt paid off, get out of school and maybe I will start my own isp business. (Not necesarily in that order)
I need to go. I am installing the new version of Firefox. (1.06) My instructor said I am ALMOST a geek. My dream is coming true!
God bless. Thanks for visiting. :)
Sunday, July 17, 2005
I got on my sister's computer Friday night to check my mail before going to bed (luckily for me the bedroom I was in had the computer with the high speed connection. It was like a dream. :) )
I was shocked at all the crap she had on her computer. Spyware, adware, expired antivirus, stuff that computer nightmares are made of. I gave her the abbreviated lecture then next morning and she gave me permission to clean it up. She should be good to go now. :)
After a huge breakfast we went shopping at the mall. I was looking for a pair of shorts to go with the bathing suit I bought. I went to Lane Bryants. It has turned into a teenage slutfest in there, from what I saw. The sales girl was a little chunky and wearing a snug blouse with gathers. It wasn't attractive on her. I am so out of sync. I am not sure when tacky crap like that became the fashion for daily wear.
We had to go to every sportswear store in the mall. I would go to the candle stores and leave them to their own pleasure. Nothing bores me more than sports stores. Of course, b'fs son wanted this that and every other thing he saw, but was very ANGRY when his dad couldn't even get him a drink holder cos he didn't have the money for a $5 item. Of course, I bought lunch. We headed out of town finally. I was beat, had tons of homework to get back to, tired of the boys fighting, and tired of footing the bill for about everything that my sister didn't. I hurt my leg at the museum when we left. (My fault entirely, not theirs) My knee is swollen and it feels like I pulled a muscle or something. On the way home G decides to invite b'f and his son to spend the night. He said he didn't bring enough clothes so G offers to wash them for him. Crap. I told him he could stay, but I would be kicking him out early cos I have a ton of homework. I was really trying to hint that I was ready for them to go home, but it didn't work. They just left a couple of hours ago. I wasn't a very good hostess. I didn't want to be. I was working on my speech for tomorrow, other homework due tomorrow, and am swamped. I didn't offer them anything to eat. The only thing I did was make coffee, and start on homework.
We got home last night and a friend of mine had left a message that they wanted to get together for alittle bit last night, like dinner, but I called and told her I was tired, cranky, hurt my leg and didn't think I would be good company. She insisted, and said her and my b'f would take care of dinner and all I had to do was sit there, so relunctuntly I agreed. She was all upbeat and crap and I was just wanting to run away from my house to some peace and quiet. I ended up doing all the drinks for everyone, and she was like "hurry up, hurry up." I told her it was my b'day and I shouldn't have to do anything. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It was not a good night for me. I hate being a bear, but I was exhausted listening to all the whining for 2 whole days. I tried not to complain, thats why I put it here. I know people who read this probably don't come back because of all the bitching and moaning, and I don't blame them, but this is MY therapy.
I really can be fun to be around. Honestly. When things go my way. ;) I think now since everyone is gone, G is quiely enjoying his superman tape, I am going to take a nap and try to lighten my mood some. I am still whupped.
Take care, and God bless.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
I still haven't heard from the attorney yet. I thought this thing was supposed to be done. I told him if I don't hear anything by Thursday, I will call him back. The company didn't agree with one part of the contract, but my attorney said the other one shouldn't have agreed to the settlement without the ok from the company. This all sucks, and I just want to get it over with. That point has to be settled though.
I am getting a B out of both of my classes so far. I am through the easiest part in my survey class I think, and I almost have an A, but I don't know if I will be able to bring it up or not. I think my shining moment in the class may have run its course. I don't like the part we are doing now because I can't do the labs at home since I have to be on the class network. I liked doing the DOS stuff at home where I had time to try different things and see what really worked and what didn't. Now he walks around and can see if I am just exploring, which I really don't have time to do and get out of class on time. To me that is the best way to learn. Keep looking around the various programs. No telling what kind of discoveries a person can make. Anyway, its going "ok."
B'f is on vacation this week. They are supposed to be over Thursday night and we are going to go somewhere on Friday for an all day thing. I have a speech due Monday, which I have been trying to work on, so I will have to try to get it finished sometime this weekend. I have a quiz this Wednesday, and a big test on Monday, plue have to give my speech Monday or Tuesday. I am really looking forward to that. Oh yeah, and my birthday is Saturday. He wants to do something "special", and I just want to not grow older. I guess my only other option is dead, so we may do something special after all.
Time to go. I hear the exercise bike calling my name. I guess thats ok, as long as it doesn't start slurping.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I have a hard time with forgiveness. "Everyone" says its the right thing to do. What if someone does you wrong, never admits it, and goes on with life even though it effects you in a major way? Case in point:
I was living with a guy for almost a year, and we were having a rough time. It was at the end of its course as far as he was concerned, although he never said that, but it was the way he made me feel. I loved him immensely and wanted the relationship to continue. He had two children I was helping to raise, and they were the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt needed, loved, and important in someones life for the first time in a very long time. I think it was a need for me to hold onto the kids more than him, as he took me for granted and we had some other problems as well.
Anyway, a friend from mine moved back to town who I had met at work about a year before she moved to another state. I knew she had a problem with morals, but I was the only one who would have anything to do with her on a social basis after she returned. (I was the only one that still worked there that lived in that town. All the other people we used to hang with were in other small towns in the area.)
Within a months time from her moving back here, she was living with the guy that I had been living with. I was devastated and thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I had a part time job where I would be an errand girl for an elderly lady 3 days a week after work, and while I was there, she was at my house. If I got home and she was there, she would say that her kids were bored and were wanting to play with his kids. I bought it hook line and sinker. I didn't trust him, as I knew we were growing farther apart, but I didn't think she would screw me over. I was wrong. His birthday party she ended up "performing a sexual act" on his person. They had both disappeared and turned out I found them both naked at her place. A fight ensued and I threw amazon woman out of her house by her hair. (its hard to find a place to grab a naked woman)
I blame him too, most definitely. We had a talk a week or so before, and I told him then, if he wanted someone else, to just let me know and I would walk away. I would have it end gracefully rather than badly, which it did. I had wondered about the two of them, and asked her and she said "Oh NO! He is yours and he loves you so much. I would never do anything to hurt you." they both were making me think I was crazy. The crazy thing I did I guess was to stick around as long as I did. They have since married, and divorced, and he has remarried. Last I heard she had a boyfriend in prison somewhere and was trying to relocate closer to him.
Needless to say, I am glad I am out of that whole thing, except for the children. I am so concerned for them, but I have no legal right to have any contact, and he won't let me have contact so thats that. I won't go behind his back, even though he didn't seem to worry about doing that to me. (yeah, I am bitter)
So, everything I read says I should forgive them. I can't. I don't want to. For me, forgiveness means accepting it and being ok with it, even though things I read (even NOT Dr. Phil) says it doesn't mean that at all. How can it not mean that? What am I missing? They never told me they were sorry. I never got any kind of apology at all. So, why should I relieve their conscience and forgive them?
And why is it supposed to be so important for me to do so? I don't dwell on it. I don't think about it often at all. Its the first thing that comes to mind when I read about "something in your past where someone screwed you over, or screwed with your head or your feelings" etc, etc. If anyone has any ideas on this, I would like to hear them. Thanks.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Thank you Father, for getting my attention, and letting me enjoy it.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Anyway, it felt great to get the exercise. I think when I get my money I will see how much it costs to join the local Y and see about getting into the old fat lady pool exercise classes. I don't think thats the name they put on the flyer, but it works for me. :(
B'f didn't come over yesterday. He is saving his money up for tomorrow. He just got his car out of the shop last night. It was there for a month. I don't think the guy is going to charge him labor. He did it more as a favor I think. I think b'f would have rather paid him labor if he knew it was going to take that long. Its back now, and thats what matters.
I had my assignment for survey class all done, and a friend from class mentioned the part she was having trouble with was the one I HAD BYPASSED COMPLETELY so that took me a lot longer than it should have to get it put in, reprint, and recheck it all. We have a big test on DOS Tuesday, then off to netware. Its the halfway point already. I still have to get my thesis statement ready for my speech class for Tuesday, then all I have left to do it study for the test. I won't get home till late late tomorrow night so I have to get it all done tonight.
I am going to go lie down. A little under the weather tonight for some reason. God Bless.
Friday, July 01, 2005
- Someone who has at least some worthy goal and actually works toward it
- The above goal isn't solely trying to get in my pants
- someone who likes to tongue kiss but KNOWS HOW without the need of a bath towel
- someone who brushes their teeth and believes in dental hygiene (said teeth can even be storebought and have to sit in a glass to get clean, as long as its DONE
- someone who has thoughts and can express them
- someone who doesn't agree with everything I say
- someone who can be objective about my reports, compostions, or speeches without telling me they are all wonderful (especially if I KNOW they aren't, and need some constructive critism)
- someone who might actually read a book from time to time.
- someone who takes responsibility for their own choices and their life.
- someone who is NOT waiting for the sky to fall on them.
- someone who can discipline their children, and understand that they aren't perfect individuals and we as parents are to be role models and teachers to help them to be the best human being they can be, whether said child likes it or not.
- someone who can plan a date without 20 questions and who isn't afraid to get me a flower from time to time. (its called "romance." Look it up.)
- someone who has actual opinions, and can get them across effectively
- someone who is not racist or disrespectful
- someone who can actually hear the name "Ellen Degeneres without using the term "ellen degenerate"
- someone who doesn't believe the hype that Rush Limbaugh is actually on loan from God.
- someone who doesn't buy me donuts when I am trying to lose some poundage
- someone I can respect
- someone who can love my son, and be a good role model
- someone who doesn't let my son do whatever he wants and get by with it if I am not around. (He is only 8. He has a lot to learn about behavior yet )
- someone who isn't afraid to ask if I will get a sitter so just the two of us can go out.
My fat really gets in the way, which I let get in the way. I know I need to get a better me to feel better about me and life in general. When I had good relationships with men before I always strived to look the best I could look. Now I don't care. He doesn't care and doesn't require anything of me, so why should I bother? Why should I try to look nice if his teeth are a disgusting mix of browns and yellows and the breathe will knock you down if he opens his mouth?
I need to get off my fat ass and work on me, so I can be the best I can be. Maybe then I will be ready for a real relationship. My friend tells me fat girls date too. Fat girls get married too. (shudder) I don't know if I want to be that vulnerable again. B'f is safe, cos if I don't love him, he can't hurt me. So there.