Saturday, April 29, 2006

One down, 4 to go

I got an A out of my psych class. YAY! I have two major projects due this week. Procrastination is going to be the death of me. It was raining today which would have been a great excuse to not walk and just work on homework. Needless to say we drove for an hour to the local outlet mall and did a little shopping. :)

I got some New Balance shoes. I heard they are really amazing and make a world of difference. Its a good thing they were on sale! Ouch. I just hope they work. In the store they felt like I was stepping in a cloud. I hope it feels that way when I am on the trails in the woods and pounding the pavement. I ordered a thing for my knee today for some support, but it may take two weeks to get here. I really hope to get a lot of walking in during my break from school. I need to build my confidence up before I have to go job hunting, and if I am feeling better that will help tremendously.

I got some smiles today while we were walking around the mall. I wore my "I beat anorexia" t shirt. :) I am having a friend design a graphic for a shirt for me. She keeps putting old ladies pictures on it, and I want a younger and somewhat vibrant looking woman on it. I want it to say "I'm still hot. Now it just comes in flashes" I got it in an email awhile back and thought it was shirt worthy. I like to wear my "Its cute how you think I am listening" to class sometimes.

It sounds like its getting ready to storm again. The grass is really growing fast, but I can't get out to mow till it dries up some. I am going to have to bale it when that happens I am afraid. I had to wear the hat my dad gave me when I bought the mower off of him. He said I couldn't use the John Deere unless I wore the hat, so I did. G got some pictures of me and I put them on a disk for him. He said he wanted to use it on his computer. LOL. I don't like hats, but I wore it the whole time. It was some of those pictures that also motivate me to walk. I better go before the weather gets worse.

God Bless.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It seems like forever...

since I have spent much time on my blog. It's so very self serving, so if I spend too much time messing with it when I have so much other stuff to do I get the guilt trip. I send myself there often enough. This blog has really helped to get out a lot of my frustration so it doesn't pop up in my normal functioning life. I can write down here how angry I am, how scared I am, how unlovable I feel at times, and no one else needs to know. Most people I come in contact with find me funny, smart, pretty unflinchable. If they only knew. It often makes me wonder about other people. Does everyone hide as much of themselves as I try to?
I know when I was a kid we had tornadoes out by our house. It was my mom and me at home. She was sewing away on the sewing machine which happened to be facing the window. We were listening to the radio and she made sure we could get to the basement. I remember it was a really gross basement, and we never ever went down there. I don't know if I was ever down there at all the whole time we lived there. (about 5 years.)She was so calm cool and collected. I thought if she was that calm, why should I be upset. Come to find out she was petrified. She was a great actress when it came to that. I miss her.
For my therapy I have been walking. I haven't been able to walk as much as I like, or as I should, with time being a big constraint. My fear of dogs is becoming overpowering, especially since the neighbors have 3 dobermans now, a mom and two pups that are almost full size. They let them out a few times a day. They try to keep them in the yard, and the mom does pretty good, but the pups always seem to find me when I am outside. I try to keep calm and walk slow but steady to the house, but I tell them to go home, and they start growling at me. Scares the shit out of me. Needless to say, we don't walk around our town. Too many dogs and no leash laws. There is no one to report to except the sheriffs dept. about them anyway. I would rather talk to the neighbors about it first anyway. We went to the state park this morning and walked, then this afternoon, after completing some homework and making homemade ice cream, we went back to the nearest bigger town and walked around. My knee is still killing me, but as long as I take plenty of aspirin it feels better. I am hoping if I keep working it out that it will get better. I really need to lose some poundage, and its been helping me and the kid have some time away from home and gives us time to talk.
I have two full weeks of classes left, and then the next week is finals.
My psych class is all done except for my test tomrorow. For one of our final assignments, she asked what was the most important thing we learned. I wrote that I learned the diagnosis for my depression. I know now that I don't always have to feel this way, that it is fixable. At least the book gave me a name so I could research it. (dysthymic disorder.) I am so glad that class is done. I am hoping that will free up some time so I can get to crackin on some of my other classes. Two of them are right on the cusp of a grade, so I am going to at least try to bring them up to a safer zone before the finals.
I am going to go to bed early. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

God bless.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A quiz...

The Loyal Friend

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

We had to explore some online psych quizzes for class. I am so glad this class is almost over. The site has some important information, then I find things on there like "Are you a geek?" and "The Dr. Phil quiz." If interested, I don't know if its clickable or not, but it gives the website I think.

I hope everyone has a joyous Easter. Its beautiful here today.

God Bless.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Threatening news for me

My son has been on the medicaid program since before I lost my job. According to the guidelines, we qualified, so they paid the difference from the insurance that I had on us. Since I don't have insurance anymore, they paid his med bills in full. I was told I should sign up, so I did. I just want a temporary thing since I hope to be working soon. I got a letter today that I am supposed to fill out this form to continue the medicaid by going after my sons father. That was why I quit the program before, but they had assured me that the program was a lot more lenient than it used to be. I started to go through the process before, but ended up recieving threatening phone calls all hours of the day and night from him and his exwife. (They were divorced for 2 years before I went out with him, but he was using my son to try to get back together with her. Everyone knows he couldn't take care of a kid even every other weekend without help.) I was accused of getting pregnant on purpose, not telling him when the baby was born, etc. It was all lies. They are both very jr. highish and seem to thrive on drama. When I had started through the process before, they told me that they would interview me first before contacting him, so that if I felt it would be a threatening situation, we could discuss it. They lied. I got a call from him a few weeks later with him ranting and raving about how they wanted all of his financial records to see how much he had to pay for "the little bastard." I told him he wouldn't have to pay anything and went to the office the next day and stopped the whole thing. I called him and told him he was completely off the hook. No problem.
When I signed up this time, they said thats not even an issue, so here it is. They will drop us from the program if I don't comply. Of course I can't comply. I am hoping they will just drop me. I have only had the card for two weeks, but I don't have to go to the dr. I would rather rot than subject my son to that SOB. He only wanted anything to do with him as a pawn. He used to call me up to flirt with me, and wouldn't even ask about G. He said he was going to help out. So far in 9 years I haven't seen anything. He told me once he got him a hat for Christmas, but that never materialized. I wish I could have gotten to a dentist before this happened, but if my teeth are going to have to break off on thier own, then I guess it has to be. :( I sure hope I can land a job with good insurance.

God Bless, and say a prayer for us. Thanks.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Words of wisdom...

Yesterday is history
and tomorrow is a mystery
but today is a gift
That's why it's called the present.
Let's all remember each day has endless possibilites for
making this world a little better by our words, acts and

Author unknown

Sunday, April 09, 2006


Spring break. YAY! I feel better already. Its nice not to have the stress of deadlines for a little bit. I do have homework to do, and want to get as much of it done as I can, but at least it doesn't have to be done by tomorrow. Whewwwwwwwwwww.

I saw my counselor Friday. I had to write down my plan of action. Part of my plan involves better physical and mental health. I think if I get more physically fit, that my mental health will follow. I hope it works out that way. I know before when I had lost a lot of weight I felt so much better about everything. I just feel so lethargic and uncaring right now.

Me and the kid went for a walk in our local national park. I found a great trail for me to walk on. Slow and steady wins the race, so thats the one I chose. There was no one there when we got there, so that made it even better. Its only a 1/2 mile trail, so it says, but I think its longer than that. After walking it once, people started showing up, so I thought we could drive to another area of the park and walk. Well, no place compared to that one, so we went back. We took an even longer extension of it, and I was doing great. My overly energetic youngin had to run from time to time to catch up with me. I had to take breaks for him. He had to look at the bugs, trees, squirrels, etc, and I just kept on keeping on. If I break my stride too often it really wears me out, and my focus is to walk walk walk. I logged 6500 steps today, which was good. Sundays are usually spent in front of the computer doing homework all day, but with Spring break (did I mention that I don't have school for a whole week?????) I didn't have to worry about it. For my "plan" I am supposed to go walking in the park 3 times a week. She wanted me to say how long or how far I will walk, but since I am in such lousy health, I just plan on starting and then increasing as much as possible. I plan on pushing myself. After I got around the track the first time I was ready to go again, but he who won't be named had to take a break, so we drove around for 15 minutes then went back and did it again. My left leg is killing me. I need to get some new shoes. I will check into that tomorrow.

I need to get some sleep. Thats another part of my "plan" that I didn't mention to the counselor. I know I don't get enough sleep, and I really think that wears on me.

God Bless

Monday, April 03, 2006

More self analysis

I am not doing homework. I have a pretty big assignment due tomorrow. I have been playing pogo, spending time with the kid, cleaning house, cooking, and doing anything else I can do to avoid the homework. I don't know what I am doing on it, and I guess in my way of thinking I would rather be able to tell the instructor that its done so poorly because I ran out of time instead of the "I don't know what the *^%^ I am doing." I do that often subconsciously I think.

I went to see my counselor Friday. Since she is an intern she only has about 4 weeks left till she graduates. She said I never give myself enough credit. When enough people treat you like you don't matter, why should I give myself any credit? They must know, right? I think part of the problem is that I put on such a good front of taking care of myself and everything that pertains to, that no one thinks I need them, or anything else. I am tired of needing someone and no one being there.

We have spring break next week, and I am sooooo glad. They are going to pile on the homework, but at least I won't be logging as many miles. The kid gets out for part of my break, so thats extra good. I hope the carpenter won't be coming so I can sleep in. I have to get the lumber for the trim and get that polyurethaned before he can put it in. I may pick it up Wednesday, it depends on what the day brings.

I better hit the books and try to figure out what I am doing.

God Bless