Medication costs! Wow!

 Well, I made the Dr. appt. I went in this morning. We had a nice chat. I asked about the fat/sleeping, sleeping/fat thing. He said probably both. They are doing bloodwork. I'll probably find out the results tomorrow. I have another appointment with him next month. 

I told him about my sleep apnea thing. He's going to send a sleep clinic my info and they are suppose to contact me. I sure hope my insurance comes through.

I have a female issue I told him about. Although I hate taking meds, I asked for a prescription for something that was highly recommended to me. I was told it's a game changer for my issue. They sent the script to my pharmacy. 

I went to get it after my appointment, but did my shopping first since I'm sure it was just turned in. When I got there they hadn't filled it yet. I gave her my new insurance card, and asked if she could see if it was covered. It took her a few minutes to put my new information in. She finally got to look it up, and my insurance has to get with my dr to see if I can get it before they will approve. I asked how much it was out of pocket. It's over $500 per month!!!!! 1 pill daily. I even checked GoodRX, and the best price I could find was $476. I guess I will never get this issue treated. It would be helpful, but it's not life threatening. I would rather do stupid things with my money, like pay my property taxes, buy food, put gas in my car, etc. 

Holy cow. Something needs done about this health care system. It's out of control. 

God Bless. Stay healthy!

Fat and Sleep

 Wherefore art thou sleep? Yeah, ok. I won't be poetic, but I have an honest question.

Am I fat because I'm a lousy sleeper, or am I a lousy sleeper because I'm fat? That is my question of the day. 

I have never been a good sleeper. Not since my thoughts were awakened to the fact when it was naptime, I couldn't nap. Also, when it was bedtime I would lie there for hours waiting till I would sleep. As a grade schooler I started roaming around my bedroom till midnight or after till I could go to sleep. I think that may be what gave me my love of reading. I could do it for hours with no interruption. 

Even now, I usually can't fall asleep till midnight or after, but wake up between 3 and 5 am. No matter what time I go to sleep, I get up around 4 or so. Lately its been 3 am. 

I have also always been overweight. Not just a little, but a LOT. I have tried to diet, sometimes successfully for a bit, and sometimes failing. I have lost up to 80 lbs, and have gone back up 30. It seems no matter what I have tried the last year, it just steadily goes back up. Something needs to give.

My fitbit says I'm a lousy sleeper. My oxygen levels are sporadic at night, peaking into the orange zone at least 4 times a night. I have also been told I'm an extremely loud snorer. I can attest to that, since I have woken myself up more than once wondering what the horrendous noise was. 

I had to change physicians due to job change (It's official, I'm retired) and I had to set a primary care. I have never been to him, and don't even know if he is accepting new patients. I tell myself late every Friday that Monday morning my goal is to call and see if I can get in. I want to get my hormone levels checked (due to the not losing weight thing, but losing hair thing) and see if maybe I could get a sleep study done. Then every Monday I think I'll do it later. Then on Friday it starts all over again. 

I really don't like drs. I get tired of being told I'm fat. I have letters my mom wrote that my grandma saved when we moved out of state when I was 2. She was telling my grandma how I want to eat all the time, and tried to eat the cake off the front of my birthday card. I remember the dr. telling my mom I was just lazy. It's always been an issue. 

I don't overeat now. I haven't for a long time. I follow a more ketovore lifestyle. Usually more carnivore than keto. I did BBB & E for 7 weeks and didn't lose anything.  That's not right. 

I'm trying to talk myself into calling the dr. Today. I've got 2 hours before they close. Today. 

I just started listening to a book called "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker. It's been enlightening so far. I think I'm going to give up coffee and all caffeine for awhile. I drink 1 pot of caffeinated in the morning, and drink decaf the rest of the day. He said there is still 15 to 30% caffeine in the decaf that there is in regular. I drink about 3 pots of decaf a day. If I quit that, I may end up in a coma. I won't know till I try. I've not always been a coffee or caffeine addict. I am now though. 

Wish me luck, and God Bless. 

 

 

Overused Words

I have a rant. I'm fed up with overuse of certain words, especially this one. It's been really bugging me for awhile. I came here to take a brain dump and hopefully get it out of my system. 

I follow a pretty strict low carb diet. I belong to low carb, keto, carnivore facebook groups. I can't veer off a strict eating plan or I gain. I am a badge carrying member of the Keto Police. (yeah, ok, I know there isn't really a badge, but I would probably get beaten if I actually carried one) 

There are people who don't have to be as strict as me. I understand that. Some of the pages I'm on have a lot of new people to these ways of eating. I get frustrated when someone posts a food and say they eat it every day and it's wonderful. Delicious even. (THERE is that damn word... lets just call it the "D word". I don't even want to type it...) When they show the ingredient listing, it has all the stuff that isn't really keto (corn, wheat, wheat gluten, ingredients that use most of the alphabet, etc) I point out that it's got wheat so it's a no from me, and I get "I guess the Keto Police has finally landed" bs. I have even stated that I post that so new people will be able to make a judgment for themselves. Some people can't have wheat at all, anyway. They may not know they need to check ingredients and if someone that "does keto" says it's ok, then of course it must be ok. I don't tell them they are a jerk, or an ass, or anything at all, even though I want to when they start in on me. You do you, boo. Just don't try to give newbies the wrong impression.

Then, there is my aunt. I love her dearly. She is one of the sweetest human beings on this earth I have ever met. BUT her daughter posts recipes often (most are carb laden, unhealthy foods, like 20 types of cupcakes, etc) My aunt is a bad diabetic, and EVERY recipe my cousin shares on facebook my aunt has to comment with the D word. 

I have talked to my aunt before about cutting sugar to help control her diabetes. She says that's why she's on meds. Her numbers keep getting worse and worse. They just increase her meds. It makes me so sad. She has been like a 2nd mom to me.  

I know people need to make their own decisions. I just love them and hate to see people suffer with all these crappy diseases when they don't have to. It just makes me so sad. 

So no, I don't think it's "the D word" when you are poisoning yourself and your loved ones by buying sugar in bulk. She got angry with me because I wouldn't take the candy she offered. My blood glucose numbers are great even though I was diabetic. I'm not on meds. I researched a lot to see what I could do to bring my numbers down, and I found it. I still need to lose a lot of weight, and it doesn't want to go anywhere, but as long as my numbers are good, I am ok with that.  I kind of have to be. 

I just needed to blast that out of my brain and out through my fingers. Thanks for listening. I sure can't say all this in real life. 

God Bless, and put the sugar down! 

Love, Me. 

My mom.

 No one told me she was going to die.

My mother was a great mother. I used to tease my brother about him being her favorite. He would get mad and say all of us were our moms favorite. He was right. We felt it. She knew and loved the best and worst parts of us. I don't think you could ask for anything better than that. 

Her and my dad got married when they were really young. She was still in high school, and he was an 8th grade dropout. One of his friends was fixing him up on a blind date with my aunt, but he saw my mom and that was the end of that. He told me in his later years that as soon as he saw her, he knew. 

 My mom had told my grandparents that she was pregnant. She wasn't. That's the only way they would let them marry. She then told my dad what she did. My dad said that my grandpa mentioned about a year later that it was an awful long pregnancy. :) My brother was born a few years later. 

It wasn't an idyllic way to grow up. They always struggled financially. They both worked very hard. They had bought a house out in the country when I was in the first grade. A very small 4 room house with no indoor plumbing. Luckily, my dad was a doityourselfer. He turned the biggest room into a bathroom with another wall and turned the new room into a kitchen. 

Then my mom got sick. She went into the hospital for something non related, but I can't remember. I was around 8, I think. While she was there, they found a spot on her lung. I heard lots of whispering. She ended up having to quit work. Dad bought a color tv and put it in their bedroom. He told us we could watch the black and white tv in the living room. When he wasn't home mom would have us come in and watch the color set with her. She used to read to me all the time. She gave me my love of reading and libraries. It was "our thing."  Also my love of knitting and all yarn related things. When dad was at a church meeting in the evenings, she would let us stay up late and watch tv with her, but we were told it was a secret and not tell dad. We would hear the car pull in and run giggling into our bedroom and all pretend to be asleep when he walked in the door.  

She made numerous trips to a BIG  CITY for treatment. We would take her to the local airport and pick her up days later. I don't remember how long she was gone. It seemed like forever at the time. She would come back with marks all over her body when they were giving her treatments. 

While she was gone Dad started building onto the house. He added a huge living room and dining room/kitchen. Our old kitchen turned into  hallway. He was going to surprise her when she came home. Of course she knew he was doing it, but it was a real surprise the first time he started on it. He would work on it a lot while she was gone. 

One day at school, a girl I know told me that her grandma told her my mom only had a few weeks left to live. I told her that was a lie. I mean, yeah, she was sick, but you go to the hospital to get better, right? That night my pastor took me off the bus. We had a talk in his study, and he told me I was spending the night with them. We had a talk about what was going on. It was then I knew she was going to die. She passed away the next morning. I prayed all night I would get to see her one more time, but it was not to be. Dad came and told me at the pastors house. He was a mess. I had never seen him cry before. 

She never got to see her new addition to the house. She never got to go to the library with me again. There are so many things she never got to do. Give me dating advice, tell me not to marry my ex, meet my son, hug me. So many things. 

She passed when I was 10. I'm 63 now. I still miss my mom. 

I have probably written about this before it this blog. I don't handle death and dying well. One of my friends mother is entering the end stages, and it brought it all back to me. Not that it ever leaves me, but sometimes it just guts me. 

My dad told me a few years before he passed that my mom was his soul mate. He had remarried (he had 3 kids he didn't know what to do with) but mom was his forever love. 

They have been together in Heaven a few years now. They are with my daughter I'm sure. 

Love your family and your friends. You never know. Let them know they are loved. 

God bless. 

Trigger word

 There is one specific word that I can't stand, lately. (besides cuss words, most of those are used unnecessarily) 

I have been keto for a very long time. I have had numerous health benefits from it. I still need to lose a lot of weight and have been in a stall for awhile. As long as I keep active I feel so much better than I used to.  I am no longer  considered diabetic. 

I have friends and family members that are diabetics, some really bad. I have tried to spread the word, but get nothing from some of them but criticism, and even yelled at (I just made an off hand statement and they went OFF. I really don't like confrontation. I think it was misdirected as it made them feel less than for not being able to do it.) 

When I see them comment on sugar and flour filled recipes on facebook and say "that looks delicious!" I want to say "yeah, if you don't want to have legs anymore." Of course I never say it. These are people I love dearly. It breaks my heart to see them suffer. 

 It has really turned me off the word "delicious." Sounds silly, right? I think it's really overused. I rarely ever use that word. If I comment about something edible, it's more of a "that looks good." 

One of my diabetic people make candy for Christmas for all the family members and extended family. She got angry last year when I said no thanks. I did it tactfully of course, but she knows I don't eat sugar at all. I don't need gifts. I would rather just have them around and healthy. 

She will post pictures of the candy she makes. In my mind I think "I wonder how it feels to know you are poisoning family members?" I pray for relief from this disease for everyone. 

I know not everyone has sugar issues, or health issues. I know people process foods differently. I just mention it to the people I know have issues. People I haven't seen in a long time notice right away how much weight I have lost, and how much better I get around. 

Ok. That's enough for today. I feel better getting that off my chest. 

God bless. (and keep an eye on your blood sugar! It can be a killer!) 

Story time, thoughts and in the feels....

 Ahh my dear friend, 

I'm so glad I can come here and unload when I get in the feels. 

Story time... My parents could NOT sing. No debate, not even a little. Neither of them. I have inherited this trait, sad to say. I love to sing, but will only do it when I'm alone. In the car, at home. I think sometimes my cat even gives me the side eye. 

When I was a child, we started going to church when I was in the 1st grade. We didn't go at all before that. We had moved in an area with a country church, and some of the members would come over and talk to my parents. They started sending me. I think they sent my brother as well, I can't remember. (it's been a day or two....)  Anyway, eventually my parents started going. We went twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday night. We were involved in just about everything. It was a very small church when we started. Normal attendance was in the 50s every Sunday. It slowly was growing. I haven't been for a very long time. 

I've been doing well keeping up reading the New Testament every day so far this year. A lot of times when I'm reading, I will have some instrumental hymns in the background. I tend to lose focus easily, and it has helped. I just got the music started, but hadn't started reading. I started singing along to the instrumentals, I felt kind of bad because these were the weekly fare for years but I couldn't remember all the words. Instead of trying to remember, I just found them and started playing them with singing. Boy did the memories come flooding back. Standing next to my mom, all of us trying to sing. We felt it in our hearts, it just didn't translate to our mouths. Some of my fondest memories were in that church. My mom passed away when I was 10. It's hard to type when you have tears streaming down your face. I can still feel her hand in mine. It's been over 50 years, but I still miss my mom. At least her and dad are together now, with my daughter. I often wonder how different my life would have been if she wouldn't have passed so young.

This is why I don't handle grief well. I'm not grieving for the person that passed, I'm grieving for the family they left behind. 

It's hard to be an empath.

God Bless. Be kind to everyone. You never know what someone is going through.  

Grief

I don't handle grief well. I've had a lot of loss in my life. 

I got a message this morning that said "Sorry for your loss. I know you two were friends." 

I had to go through fb to see what was going on. My friend passed away a few days ago. We used to be really tight, but her health had been deteriorating for years. She had numerous autoimmune diseases, and got to the point a few years ago where she couldn't leave the house without someone with her. 

I met her when we worked together. She was what I wasn't. Strong, didn't take crap from anyone, and you never had to wonder what she was thinking. I've been told I'm strong, but they don't see me when I would go home and weep. 

We had a lot of laughs, went shopping together, we just had a lot of good times. We really complemented each other. She helped me to face some things I didn't think I could, and I would bring her down to earth when she got worked up over things that she shouldn't be. 

She eventually quit and got another job that was better for her health. She lasted there a year before she had to quit. We used to meet for breakfast after I would get off work, and picked up like there was no time lapse. 

One day when we were supposed to meet,she messaged me and said she couldn't. Her mom was taking her to the hospital. She got through that. Then the next time we talked about it, she said she would have to see because she wasn't able to be out on her own. I never saw her again. 

I would send her Christmas presents, birthday cards, notes, etc, but I never saw her again. She acknowledged every time I reached out. I know people that knew her, and said when they saw her out they knew she couldn't last much longer. 

She didn't feel comfortable having people to her house. They had moved her bedroom into the living room while we were still working together. She liked everything a certain way, and was so upset when it came to that. 

As I get older, I feel I deal with grief better. Well, I thought so. I just need to get it out and let it lay where it may. I take comfort in knowing she isn't in pain, doesn't have to be escorted about, and can leave the "damn cane" alone. 

Fly high my friend. See you on the other side. Give my family hugs from me. God Bless.

Keto and God

Good morning. I'm on target reading the New Testament daily. I'm actually studying it. When I try to read the Bible in a year, it's more of a race than actually studying it, so this year I decided to concentrate on the New Testment. I'm in Matthew where they talk about the parables of the seeds growing on the poor soil, rock, in thorns,and good soil. I think I fall in the thorns. I let too much other stuff choke me out. I was comparing this to some of the Keto facebook groups I belong to. There are groups that are dirty keto (as long as it fits in your macros, you can eat whatever garbage you want.) Not effective keto if you are trying to get/stay healthy. (My opinion, I'm not the Keto Police, but... well, maybe I am, but it's not my job. People can do what they want, but I think that attitude has new people perplexed when they can't figure out why it's not working for them.) To me that is the poor soil. You don't learn enough of the best tools to help you progress the way you desire. so it quickly fades out. Growing on the rock, you know just enough to get started, but after a temptation you cave, and shove a peice of cake in your face, so what you have accomplished is quickly sqashed. In the thorns, People who have been keto quite awhile can often dilute the process for new people. They give them advice and information that they go by, but for a new person who isn't ready to experiment with that works for them or not often takes the advice and fails. The good soil... you find the best method for learning. Abide by the rules to the best of your ability, and learn what works for you. Every person is different, so learning styles are different. You can thrive with making educated decisions and learning the best way that works for you. This is a win! I eat Keto, and done properly it's amazing. Now if I can just stay in the good soil, all will be well. Thats my TED talk for today. God Bless ;)

Faith.

Awww my friend. Time to reconnect again. This is one of the places I turn when I have a lot on my mind. Here goes.... I am a Christian. I've read the Bible through twice. The 2nd time was 2021. I skipped last year. This year I'm only doing a daily reading of the New Testament. The Old Testament doesn't always sit well with me. Different times. I need more explanation for me than I could find. So here I am in Matthew. Jesus is healing people who have faith that He is the son of God. I believe. While reading and praying today, I told Jesus that if he did today what he did then, I would think he was a charlatan. There are so many things I see today that I can't trust hardly anyone except my inner circle, which is small. People starting Go Fund Mes to deal with costs of dealing with their cancer, who aren't sick, people reporting "news" that has been edited so you don't get the correct story, etc. The list goes on and on, and it's hard for me to believe anything anymore. I DO believe Jesus is the son of God. To be honest, sometimes I have doubt, but I always come back to the same belief. Oh ye of little faith. I'm at the point in Matthew where he is healing people with faith. I have asked for healing many times for physical healing. Is it because I don't have enough faith? Or, could it be like Paul's answer? The Thorn in the Flesh 2Co 12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure 2Co 12:8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 2Co 12:9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. I'm no Paul, not even in the running. But maybe I'm the way I am so I have to live by faith. I have often felt that I'm not worthy to be healed, but maybe it's one of my life lessons. IDK.