Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I had my tutor today. The first hour went well I think. The next half hour I looked at him like "what the hell are you wanting of me???????" My brain was blank, so I asked if we could call it a day. We had a club meeting in 10 minutes anyway. I almost fell asleep in Net class again. It was a little difficult to do, since I could hear the click,click,clickety click click click of the mouse of the girl next to me playing yahoo games while class was going on. She's not doing so great in the class. I wonder why? (roll eyes here) I had to go to the unemployment office today, and that went well. The girls I used to work with are always riled up about something, and I should have known better than to pay any attention, but I did, and felt dumb. That was a couple of weeks ago, and I told my case manager that I was sorry to bother her, and as long as I had been in a factory I should have went with my gut instinct instead of worrying about something that wasn't a problem. Everyone hated the new case manager when we got switched over, but she has been ok to me. Now there is only one I know that is really having a problem with her, but she is trying to do her own thing and ignore all the rules. When I told her what I had to do, paperwork wise, she kept saying "well, I'm not doing it. I don't have to." So they have been holding her mileage checks till she gets her paperwork in. (sigh) I have an assignment due tomorrow, then one due Friday. After those are completed, I HAVE to work on my paper due April 10th. I have to do some research and HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED!!!! It was one of my "over spring break" projects. LOL Like that was going to happen. Hey, I was on vacation.
The kid is in trouble in school again. He has 2 hours of Saturday school this weekend. Plus, he brought home a note yesterday that he is on lunch detention for 3 days for kicking a kid. I wrote a note to his teacher and asked for a meeting. My opinion is he has a reputation for being a trouble maker and if he is within 20 yards of some wrongdoing, he is the one in trouble. He kicked the kid, he told me he did, BUT he said the kid kicked him twice, and he told him not to. Then he kept poking him. Of course, it didn't get loud till G kicked him back. He has been so much better about telling the truth, so I believe him. He was visibly upset when he came home and said the other kid got away with it. It wasn't his regular teacher, but I want to talk to her anyway. The one that caught him told him and the other boy that it was my kids fault because he gets in more trouble than the other kid. I know some of the kids blame G cos they know the ones in charge will believe it. I know I sound like the kind of mom who says, "not my sweet little child. He would never do such a thing" but I'm not. I don't call him brat boy for nuthin. I know he is no angel, but I have also caught other kids being mean to him. They sure don't like getting caught. He is the smallest kid in all of second grade, so therefore an easy mark. Plus, he used to lie a lot, but he is getting so much better at telling the truth. The teacher even commented on that to me. Now he is getting upset cos even after telling the truth, they believe the ones that lie. Usually. There have been a few times he has been vindicated. Being in a very small town, with a very small school, the teachers dread him before they even have him in class and wait for him to mess up. It makes me so terribly sad. I am hoping that more discussion with the teacher will help. I wish I could afford a private school, but I can't. There aren't that many in this area anyway.
Time to close. God Bless. Please pray for my son, for his teachers to know the real truth, and for me to know the whole truth.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I try to contain all my negativity here. In my blog. Where I don't have to see anyone that reads it. I can be catty, bitchy, attempt humor, sit here naked if I want. LOL (well, I don't do the naked thing anymore, gets too depressing) Then when I talk to b'f, and he gets negative, it really sets my teeth on edge. I don't want false perkiness, but I get tired of it. We were chatting about Terri Schiavo last night. I think its a horrible way to go, and don't know of a solution, but I don't think starving someone is it. He turns it into a giant political thing, and all I can do is sit here and type "I reckon" every once in awhile. The whole situation makes me so terribly sad. I had to stop going to message boards that have threads about it, because it gets me too upset. Having lost people that I have loved, I can imagine how the parents feel. I know when I lost my daughter, it would have been easier to have cut my heart out with a knife, but being of the religious persuasion that I am, it wasn't an option. When I found my ex b'f and my "best friend" together, and moved out that night, I never got to see the kids except to say goodbye, I wanted to die. I prayed for it. I talked to my pastor about it, and he said apparently that God wasn't done with me. I still miss them, and that was 10 years ago. He is married for the 2nd time since we broke up, so this is his 3rd marriage. Just like my ex husband. Do very many men get married 3 times? My other ex b'f that I loved dearly, Jerry, was also married 3 times that I know of. My current b'f has been married twice, but wants to go for 3, but I am not up to it. I feel like a wolf, I guess I mate for life. Well, thats not true. I have loved a few, but not the type that would make good husband material. When they say you can't change someone, they mean it.
Time to go. Might as well work on some more school stuff. I got today's done already! Woooooooo hoooooooooooo! God Bless, and tell your loved ones how you feel. Pray for Terri's family.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
I have exercised to video for 16 days in a row!!! Who would have thunk it????? I am even keeping my excel chart all up to date. I think this could get to be a habit. Not so much the chart since I only update it about 3 times a week, but I am getting up at 5:30 in the morning so I can get my exercises in before we leave. We are going to church with b'f and its over an hour drive. We need to leave here by 7:30, and if I want any hot water for my shower in the morning, I have to get it first. My son informed me I am to wake him at 6:30 SHARP! Knowing him, 6:29 he will roll back over, and if its 6:31, he will ask why I didn't get him up on time. He is such a stickler for details. I have no idea where he got that at, but its very annoying. (she says while batting her eyes)
My sister called. She is coming down the 16th for the day. Then b'f reminded me that is his birthday weekend. (Sunday is the day) I would rather just spend the time with her, so we may make another run to his house on Sunday instead. He won't like that at all. I can't believe it didn't ring a bell when she mentioned the date. Her b'f is going turkey hunting, so she thought she would take the opportunity to come down. It will be great to see her. She said not to tell G yet, cos she doesn't want to disappoint him. She is a cool aunt, and a cool sister besides.
Time for bed. The clothes are in the dryer, the kid is still chatting with me from the other room, and my eyelids are drooping.
God Bless, and remember what Easter is all about.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
I have no schoolwork done at all this week. I was going to try to get ahead. :( Next week I will be kicking myself in the butt (or paying someone else to do it since I'm not that limber yet) The kid is out for spring break now, and tomorrow we are going to meet my friend for lunch at Denny's again. I am going to check out the low carb menu this time, or at least have the fish. I am still craving fish. I fixed some on the George Foreman grill yesterday, and it was great. No breading, no tartar sauce. Just fish. Tonight I fixed me some chicken that was herb garlic seasoned I got at walmart. Its pretty tasty too.
My son decided where he wants to go for vacation this year. He decided on France. Why? I have no idea. He just thinks it would be a good time. Of course, we don't have the money. He said we can use his. He thinks $100 would buy out all that Walmart has to offer and have some change left over. Nice try. I wish we could. Vacation this year may be to the zoo again. I liked that. Or the water park. If I had the guts to put on a swimming suit, it would be fun for me too. I think the guys had a real good time, and I got some great pictures. If I ever get my old computer back maybe I can get them off of there and post some. I haven't done much of the picture thing. I need to do that. I know flower season is coming up, so I may post some of them. I love taking close up pictures of flowers. Am I really that boring? Yup. :) But it makes me happy, and after all, isn't that what life is all about?
I will try to put a picture on here now. It came in an email, and I thought about printing it out and putting it on the fridge, or at least sealing the kid's box of ice cream sandwiches with it.
Yall have a good night, and God Bless (and say a prayer for that woman in the picture. That would be an awful burden to carry around.)
Monday, March 21, 2005
I am bored. And tired. I planned on doing schoolwork today, but to avoid that I cleaned out the fridge. I mean scrubbed, took out shelves, and really cleaned it out. At least the bottom half. I will save the rest for later. These were bad enough. I don't know what my son spilled in the bottom and never mentioned, but it was under the crisper on the bottom. Nasty nasty stuff.
Tomorrow I am going to go get his Easter stuff. That will take me away from schoolwork for awhile. Here I was thinking I was going to get ahead. I will get a few outlines done. I have worked on them a bit, and got the basic part done. The school website is going to be down off and on over break, so I may not get to turn them in or take the quizzes right after I am done, but those don't take long at all. I want to get ahead as much as possible in the stuff I can. I have to write a career paper, but have to get a code before I can start on it.
This has been so exciting. I think I will go to bed. If anyone wants to know about anything, just ask. I may have mentioned something and never finished. I do that sometimes.
God Bless. Kiss your loved ones.
Friday, March 18, 2005
I am almost officially on Spring break. Two more assignments, and I am good to go. :) I am going to do the hard one first, since its due tonight. I hope to get it done before the kid gets home. He forgot his pill this morning, so I took it to him to school. Actually, I forgot it, but since he has been taking them for a couple of years we both should have remembered. I took the blame at school and told the secretary I should be the one to get a ticket today. She smiled. Thats what I live for, is to make people smile. G and I got in a yelling match this morning before he left. We were both yelling at each other. Not a good thing. I had told him and told him to get shoes on for the bus, get his backpack ready and get a jacket on. I heard the bus coming around the corner, and HE WASN'T READY! I, of course, over reacted like my father would have, and went in there yelling at him about how I told him and he better hurry, etc. (like that wouldn't make him stop and yell back at me, way to go Mom!) Anyway, as I am pushing him out the door and realize how awful we both sound, and don't want him leaving with me yelling at him like a banshee, I keep the same yelling awful tone, and yell, " NOW GIVE ME A KISS AND A HUG!" He had a shocked look for a second, then burst out laughing, and he has the cutest smile and devlish grin. We hugged, I apologized, and so did he. I think it was a much better send off for the day than it looked like it was going to be. He still loves me. I have to stop and listen to myself sometimes. I sound like my dad, and thats not a good thing.
*Its a good thing I didn't make any promises. We ended up going to Denny's for dinner. I had never been there, and ended up having the chicken fried steak. I could feel my arteries clogging. I think that taught me a lesson.
Time to crack the books. I won't get it done if I don't get started. Y'all have a great day, God Bless, and listen to yourself sometime. It might make a difference.
Monday, March 14, 2005
I barely finished my computer logic work in time tonight. I got it finished at 10:39 and it was due at 11:00. I almost gave up more than a few times, but kept going with the "I will give it one more shot" routine, and by jove it worked! I may have missed a few of the questions, but I was more concerned about the coding. I have one more assignment due for Friday in that class, then its spring break! Woooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo!
In the short time since I got that assignment done I have been doing conversions of hexidecimal, binary and decimal numbers. We are having a quiz on that Wednesday. Its actually kind of fun. :) I am such a wannabe. LOL His boss has a tie that says "ties suck" in binary code, so he sent us to www.thinkgeek.com and they have tons of cool things there. I wonder if dear old b'f would get me a gift certificate for there? (a dog sweater that says "people are stupid" in binary, a lighted snowman or christmas tree that work off of usb. LOL. I had a blast looking at all the stuff there
I think I am going to go to bed. I have more work to do tomorrow, more TaeBo to do, and a test and a quiz to do online. Hug your family/pets/friends/ etc.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
If I dwell on the dark side of my life, it seems that the people I love the most died, or just walked away. Except for my son, and when I try to picture him older, I can't, and I think its a blessing every day I get to spend with him. I expect one day for him not to walk through the door. I know he too will be taken from me. Then you can bury me with him, cos there will be no reason for me to go on. I just have to enjoy the time we have.
I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I think its just been my relunctance to get started on this diet, and trying to figure out why. It could open up some new challenges for me, but would that be so bad? I really want to feel better. I really do. I get tired of wheezing and trying to hide it. I think thats why I started getting to school even earlier. Its quite a walk from the parking lot to the building, and that way I can get there and get my breathing under control before any of the gang get there. How very very sad and pathetic. I am tired of feeling pathetic. Action needs to be taken, but am I woman enough to do it???? I have survived a lot of crap. Can I not survive being too sexy for my own good? (I had to think of it like that. When I get on a good diet and lose a few pounds I turn into a sex freak.) I think a lot of that is attitude, and of course the physical part of feeling better.
I am trying to make myself believe there is no downside. A big concern of mine is this: what if I still don't succeed even after losing weight? It has been my protector for so long, my crutch, something to blame if something didn't go my way. It was never "my" fault, it was because I was fat. Ahhhhhhh. Thats the problem. I will have to be more accountable for my life. Its so much easier to blame a flaw. I know my weight has held me back, but what if I am not the person I think I am? How much has been the weight, and how much has been me personally? When I quit smoking, I thought the breathing thing would be better. Then I realized how much of it was the weight and not the smoking. Oh sure, smoking was a big part of it. But not all of it. It's been 5 years since I quit smoking, and I don't seem to have any long term effects from it. Now its just the gross fat that encases my svelte self locked up inside. I don't feel fat in my head. When I dream I am not fat in my dreams. I can see my feet in my dreams. (without propping them up in front of me even) Usually I put off the diet thing for less stressful times, cos I know it will be like a full time job till I get the routine down. Now I am afraid if I don't get started, my son will be the one feeling that everyone he has loved has died or walked away. We talk about his dad sometime, and I know he thinks about that sometimes. I don't want to say anything bad about his dad, but don't want to praise virtues that he doesn't have. What if I lose all this excess weight, and then get hit by a car? ( Like that is a big concern, its just a pause to put off getting started)
I have some decisions to make. I feel better and more energetic already since I did the TaeBo yesterday. I keep this up and I will be able to whoop ass soon. :)
God Bless those who take care of themselves, and especially those who are afraid to.
Friday, March 11, 2005
I have declared today my own personal holiday it seems. I usually try to work on school stuff till 3 and then take a Dr. Phil break. I just now opened a book and sat it beside me, but have yet to look at it. One more hour and it will be time for a break. LOL I have 3 assignments due Monday, so I should really start cracking.
Tonight me and the kid are going to meet my friend for dinner that recently got her heart broke. I got some CD's for her grandsons who just got a new computer. They are in preschool and kindergarten so we went through G's computer stuff. Of course, this is the friend that brags about everything, and was telling me how one of her friends sent her money since she was down on her luck. She is living rent free, and gets almost as much unemployment as I do. She is finally getting cable hooked up for her computer, since she can afford it, so now I will get emails that are too huge for my teeny tiny dial up, and hear, "oh, I'm sorry. I forgot".
I have been thinking about my past alot lately. I'm not sure why. Old boyfriends, my mom and her last summer with us, growing up in general. I may be posting some on it, if nothing else just to exorsize some of it from my brain. I get sad about the boyfriend part, and I miss my mother, but at least she is out of pain. It makes me sad my son and her have never got to meet, at least so far. She was a wonderful person. She always will be in my heart. That will be for another day.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
God bless those that teach to the ones that can't learn. :(
Sunday, March 06, 2005
I had forgotten about my strategies class assignment that was due today, until last night after b'f left when I checked the board, so I was up till 12:30 reading. I got up at 7 and finished it by 8:30, and have felt glued to the chair ever since working on my Networking class.
The strategies assignment was interesting. The instructor had us read a thing on "I create it all" about how attitude can affect how we deal with things, especially things out of our control. I live that every day of my life I feel. He wanted a journal entry about when we have used that, or how we can use that in our life. I told him that the first time for me was when I lost my daughter. I could have easily had a nervous breakdown, my whole life changed on that day. I had to struggle not to fall into the pit of total despair, clawing my way out on more than one occasion. Everyone was telling me how well I was handling it, and how strong I was. If they only knew. It was a battle, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I blamed myself for maybe reaching up too high and thereby making the cord go around her neck while she was in my womb. I wondered if maybe I carried something too heavy and that did it. I wondered if trying to push a little while I was in labor in hopes to break my water could have done it. I honestly think my ex blamed me too. He never got to see her, and asked me later if it even looked like him. (if you aren't worthy of trust, you can't trust your partner either, in my opinion) They didn't see me when I was curled up in a little ball. They didn't know I prayed every night for years for God not to let me wake up yet another day. I had to put on the front of dealing with everything. I couldn't stay in the pit. I think that helped me, by putting up the front. Hell, I think I probably still need therapy over that whole episode. I realized that if I got in the pit, the longer I stayed, the harder the journey would be back to where I was. A few months later my ex informed me he wanted a divorce and I said no. Not till I felt I could deal with it mentally. I turned to my friends, and became a pot smokin party girl, so I didn't have to think about much at all. He didn't even like me to smoke cigarettes, so he didn't know for quite awhile. That was one of the good things about being married to a truck driver. At least for my life at the time. He thought I was screwing the whole neighborhood, but I wasn't. I didn't have sex with anyone till after he made an appointment with his attorney for the divorce and scheduled it for my birthday. I didn't think faithfulness on my part mattered after that.
It amazes my old friends that I am totally on the straight and narrow now. It shocks people who know me now when they find out I used to party. I had great wonderful friends while I was going through the divorce. They always watched out for me, and never let anyone take advantage of me, no matter what I said, or how drunk I got. I lived in a different state, and had to move due to job circumstances, and the need to escape. I kept in touch with some of them for awhile, but its hard to do.
The people that know me now can't believe I ever used to drink, smoke pot, partied at all. (I don't think I will mention the acid I took. I didn't care for it, and never wanted to do it again) I guess they think I have been this boring person that I have become for my whole entire life. I have partied with the best, and all the other parties I have been to since pale in comparison. They had my back, and I trust no one now.
I didn't send all that to my instructor. LOL. I just got real carried away. I miss some of the times when I had no worries, no responsibilities. Here is what I turned in for my assignment:
I know the assignment only asked for one, but there have been many: my divorce following after the death of our daughter, the unplanned pregnancy with my son, the death of my mother, and some others.
My current situation is another where I have no control over, but am dealing with it. I was never a good student in school. I almost failed a few grades for lack of ambition, effort, and caring. I was just trying to get by. Now, I have been laid off of a job I had for 14 years, due to it being sent to Mexico. There is nothing I could do to change it, so I am dealing with it. I am taking advantage of the opportunity I have to go back to school, get a degree, and better myself for me and my family. I have since grown up since those fateful days back in high school, when the dream was to get married and have someone take care of me. I gave that dream up long ago. Now its time for me to take the bull by the horns and grab all the knowledge and tools I can.
end of assignment
I left out all the party stuff. I have a reputation as a boring old spinster to uphold. It surprises me that people don't know I was married at one time, or that I like sex, and great sex at that. I even had someone ask me if I was artificially inseminated when I was pregnant with my son. I don't know if she thought I was gay, or unattractive enough to not actually have a man want to bed me, or what the deal was. After my initial anger, I calmly said that I like to do some things the old fashioned way. I think its terribly funny now. I guess my cover works very well. I am a great actress I guess, if not I probably would have been committed a long time ago.
I guess this cinches it. No one I know will ever get this blog address. LOL Therapy session is over. Time to get back to studying. Now I will be daydreaming about my buddies and me playing quarters in the living room while hubby was on the road screwing lot lizards at rest areas. Ewwwwwwwwwww! It was a marriage made in hell. (he is on wife #3, I don't plan on making that mistake again.)
God Bless, and may your road be level and narrow. Its a lot safer that way.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Global Personality Test Results
|Stability (66%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. |
Orderliness (63%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (45%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.
personality tests by similarminds.com
I agree with this somewhat. Here was the next part:
I can't agree with some of this, the money thing for instance. Thats not me. I like the normal part, that I never suspected about myself. I don't consider myself adventurous, and I love to be alone. My self esteem is a lot better than it used to be, thanks to some great friends, and also the fact that my son has survived with me for over 8 years. I am a survivor, but to be responsible for another human beings complete care is another thing. I must be doing something right. I have to agree with a lot of the other stuff. I really don't know how others see me, but I am not sure I want to know. I just thought this was a fun little quiz. If anyone dares to take it, let me know how you did.