Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The car, my dad, and other sundry topics

My dad is good. I called my sister because usually no one lets her know. (she is the only one away from here to keep informed, and everyone used to think it was "someone elses" job.) She had just got done talking to him, and said when she got home my stepmother had even called and left a message. Thats good. She said he is feeling a lot better. One thing I hate is to call someone after surgery. I figure they need the time to rest and the last thing they want to do is talk to me on the phone. He is supposed to come home tomorrow, and then Thursday I think he goes to see his other dr. That will probably be the deciding factor on if they get to leave for vacation Sunday.

My car is done. We didn't go pick it up yet, we will do that tomorrow. It was the heater core and it was $280. Better than I thought it was going to be. YAY! I plan on only driving it local for a day or two just to make sure, but next week I go back to school and its going to be 74 miles a day 4 days a week. I am not looking forward to that. I get Friday's off. That,I am sure, will be study time. I am taking my dad's truck tomorrow to get my new books and go to the unemployment office for my day care voucher. I don't know yet how that works, but I am going to find out tomorrow.

I was thinking back today about an old friend of mine. I had some very close friendships in my younger years, and would have went to the ends of the earth for them. I have a few good friendships now, but not like that. One of the girls used to come over every night and her, my roomate and I would play cards. Every night. We all worked in the same factory, hung out all the time together, and we had a good time. It was those 2 that I tried pot with for the first time. Just the three of us sitting on the floor in a circle. One of them, K, gave me my first ear piercings. She used a needle, potato, and an ice cube. After the first ear it took me about 1/2 hour before I would let her do the second one. Anyway, on with my story..... She started dating this guy. He was very bad for her. She would call the apartment crying a lot. We would go get her, bring her to our place, and let her stay till they made up. We tried talking her into dumping him, but she wouldn't. To her, I think a lot of her self worth was tied up in men, and what people thought of her in general. He would hit her, and she would escape to our place, tell us all about it, then go back to him. I had a hard time with it, handling it. I tried to be there for her, but it was very hard. Sometimes I think I felt the pain more than she did. I was a basket case watching her make the decisions she made, and wondering if she would die by his hand. She was a foster child during jr. high and high school I know for sure. (needed for more background) My roomate and I used to pick her up for work and she called me one morning about 5 am. The connection wasn't good, and she told me that her real family had called her late the night before and her mother was in real bad shape and they didn't know if she would pull through. She wanted me to tell them at work that she had to go to another state and be with her mom. I felt so bad for her. I told them at work, and told my boss that she planned on calling in later. She would call me about every couple of days and let me know how wonderful her family was, how they had all taken her in with loving arms that she missed as a kid, and how her mom was getting better and she had apoligized for the way things had been between them.
Meanwhile, her b'f's exwife came up to me at work and said she had heard that my friend and her ex had went to California. He was a truck driver and used to take her on occasion. I told her that was a lie, cos she was in another state with her dying mother. Every day she would hammer at me about them. Every day I would get mad and ask why she was wanting to start more trouble. You don't pick on someone who is visiting a dying parent, right?
Turned out, the ex was right, and my friend lied to me about everything. She wanted to go on vacation, but knew it wasn't ok to do that and keep her job, so she lied. She fed me what she wanted me to believe because she knew how strongly I would stand up for her. I was the fool. I had never been so used, or so mad as I was when I found out. She had used our friendship against me, and it hurt. I believed her completely. That was the last time. It was a long time before I could even talk to her after that, and things were never the same.
I think to this day that is why I have trouble standing up for a cause, because I don't know if I know the whole truth or not. What if its all a lie, and I am just a fool again? I feel so wishy washy on things, but its hard to get facts that are completely truthful and not slanted. I am afraid to look like an ass all over again. I can do well enough on my own without people setting me up for it.
I sure miss life when I wasn't so jaded. I liked being able to trust. :(

God Bless, and thank God for mechanics. Let your friends know you care.

Monday, May 30, 2005


Even though it was not a work day, it was still Monday. B'f spent the night last night since he didn't have plans for the day. No point in him sitting home feeling sorry for himself. We just got back a bit ago from Madagascar. It was ok, but not as good as I had hoped. We would have gotten home sooner, but his car wouldn't start after the show. He has never had that happen before, and my mind was working on what we could do. No good to try to get back here, since I have no vehicle unless I borrow my dad's, but then we would have to either try to get his car started, or take him to his town over an hour away and then he would have to figure out how to get to work and back tomorrow and how to get his car later. None of them good suggestions. After trying for 1/2 hour, I suggested going in the theater and asking if anyone knew a car place to call, but he finally opened the hood and started checking around. It was a loose connection, and then it started right up. Thank God. He is on his way home now.

We tried to go to the show earlier, but it was sold out. G was crying because he wanted to go NOW!!!!!! He is so pitiful when he is like that, but I told him we would go tonight. Then the car trouble, but at least thats overwith. We got my car to the shop this morning, and they are going to check it out tomorrow. Pray for good news. I am praying for a hose. I hope I didn't damage the engine with the test drives I took it on before I realized it was a water problem. (or rather "lack of water problem")

My dad is having a heart cath done in the morning. I sure hope this helps him. He is tired of it. He is tired of doctors, surgery, pills, having trouble breathing, etc. He told me he is ready to go. I know it has to be exhausting. He can't hardly walk 10 feet some days without getting winded. He is tired of hauling the oxygen around with him. They are supposed to leave for Branson on Sunday and I hope they still get to go. They need it. My stepmother said they laugh and have a great time while they are there and they both need it badly. Dad and I have definitely had our differences, but I will miss him horribly when he goes, but I hate to see him miserable too. He has a number of health issues, the heart being only one. He has pulminary fibrosis, diabetes, had a quintuple bypass years ago, and has a bad temper to boot. Not a good mix. They are leaving at 5 am and we get to dogsit. The dog hasn't been acting quite himself lately, and my stepmother says she doesn't think he is feeling well. GREAT! Something else to worry about. He misses them real bad when they are gone, and will spend most of the day looking for them, when he isn't sleeping. If they get to go on vacation next week, he will be a basket case. He gets real depressed. I keep trying to tell them he is just a dog, but he is their baby.

God Bless, and keep my dad, my car, and your loved ones in your prayers. Maybe say a good word to the Man upstairs for me too. Thanks.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Another survey:

Your Birthdate: July 16

Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone.

You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent.

You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate.

You are introspective and a little stubborn.

Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family.

This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations.

The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you.

Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach.

You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions.

Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

What do they mean inflexible and stubborn????? Ok, maybe. Well, yeah, ok, I will give them that. This thing was right on the money I think. Let me know how YOU do.

Friday, May 27, 2005

My life

I know all this doesn't matter in the big picture. In a few years, this won't even be a memory. For now, it sucks.

My neighbor came over and looked at my car today, but they were getting ready to go out so he was all dressed up nice. He said the only way to tell for sure where the radiator water is leaking is to get underneath, but he's not a mechanic, just seeing if it was going to be an easy fix. I am going to see about getting it in the shop at our little town if they even still do that kind of work. My neighbor wasn't sure. He thinks its probably the heater core, which means that the whole dashboard and everything will have to come out. Its a 1989 car, so I would hope it would be easier to work on than the newer cars. I just can't afford to go out and get something else. I called about some cars today. One person wasn't home, and the other one looked like a pieced of junk, but I thought maybe I could afford it. The lady I talked to wanted about 12 times more than I was hoping to pay, so even an ugly car is out of my reach. :(

I am afraid to touch anything. I came in the house to get me something to eat and the freezer door wouldn't shut. I felt like I was on candid camera. It wasn't blocked, I felt all around the door and it felt normal. I had my kid go get my stepmother next door. Thank God I had the foresight 3 1/2 years ago to get a new hinge for the bottom of the door when I had to replace the top one. She just started taking it apart. I learned more about how to do it than I ever cared to know, but at least it didn't cost anything to fix. We had to turn the water off, since the bottom hinge has the water going through it into the door for water and for the ice maker. We got through it, but I missed Dr. Phil. Life goes on.

I am tired of everything turning to shit. Pardon my language. It has to get better, right?

God Bless, and God Bless honest mechanics. I sure hope I can find one.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Our Trip

We had a great time. We went to the new Lincoln museum and I was totally impressed. We had our picture taken with the Linoln Family, and it looks great. We spent over 2 1/2 hours there, and could have spent a lot more if my son would actually let us read more of the displays. My sister said she will have to go back when she isn't hurried. I thought it was very well displayed. We saw a presentation called something about Ghosts, so I was immediatley interested. It was an awesome show where an actor came out and talks to the audience about why history is important, and what types of things they find. He is dressed in period clothing, and says he is an historian with the museum. He sits down and starts telling us about why it benefits us to read history. He opens a book and a fog appears. You can hear gunfire, people talking and mumbling, and in the fog you can see soldiers fighting in the field. Over on the side you can see the ghost of Linoln and his wife. The special effects were amazing. Toward the end they did a thing about battles, and how men gave thier lives for a cause they believe in, and of course the tears start forming in my eyes and I am doing my damndest not to let them fall. I have never figured out why things like that affect me so, but I look over and my sister is wiping her eyes. I can't see it affecting anyone else like this, so why does it affect us? I told her I am bad about that, and she said she is too. I don't understand why patriotism does that to us. I thought that was an interesting to learn. There was also a time line thing that was neat. It had the line at the bottom and as it moved across the screen it showed the boundries of the states changing with the ongoing war. It was amazing to watch. They had the death toll at the side of the screen, and it started out slowly, then was flipping so fast. It is hard to imagine that many dying. It was an awesome display, and made me feel for the families who lost loved ones, and made me wonder about how many families were totally wiped out. Very awesome. I may overuse that word, but I can't think of anything better to describe it. It comes out of AWE, amazement, speechlessness.

We went to the tomb after the museum and that was interesting. I took a lot of pictures. Next was lunch and then on to the driving range. They shot about 75 balls, then on to her house to visit the dogs. She has a huge rottewiler who really intimidates me, but he is a very good dog. The fact that he could about swallow my 8 year old son in one swoop bothers me a bit. (<--------- understatement!)

It was a very enjoyable day. I would like to go back sometime and explore the Dana House, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, and the Lincoln Home. Maybe venture up to New Salem. G actually learned some stuff today even though he tried hard not to. He got some good bonding time with his aunt, and the huge dog actually gave the ball back to him to throw for him. I had a hard time watching that, especially when my sis let him give him a dog treat. His fingers could have been munched without Rock even noticing he had a finger sandwich. Ok, so I overreact. Maybe.

God Bless, and God Bless our soldiers and their families. War is hell. No matter what century.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Just another day....

My car decided it didn't want to go yesterday. It started jumping around. I don't know what is up with it now. I checked the oil and it was low, but it didn't seem to make any difference. We are going to my sisters tomorrow and I asked Dad yesterday if I could borrow the truck to go see her. He said ok. Then today we were talking about it again, and he asked where I was going. I told him and he said he didn't realize I was going there. Its a couple of hours drive, and he is concerned the truck may act up. He has never mentioned any problem with it before, but now I am nervous about taking it. We are planning on leaving around 7 am, but I don't know if that will be good as far as traffic and stuff goes. I'm waiting for an email back from sister dear to see what she suggests. We are supposed to take G's golf clubs so they can go to a real driving range to hit a few.

I sure wish I knew what to expect on the roof deal as to what my financial status will be. As it looks now I will be out $1000 of my savings, which is most of it. That means I can only spend about $500 on a car, tops. Not good. If I don't get a roof, I won't have to worry about a house for too long, cos I won't have one. School starts in a couple of weeks, and now I may not have a car. Its 74 miles to school, round trip, and I will be going 4 days a week. I need something dependable. I am going to go tomorrow, have a good time, and worry about the car again Thursday. Of course, we will try to get home before dark, just in case.

Time to go. I have to get things ready to leave in the morning. God bless, and pray for a safe trip. (and the roof fairy is still needed, along with a car fairy now.) :(


Just a few little quizzes I came acrossed today. (Even it called me flaky. :( )

You are .doc You change from year to year, just to make things tough on your competition.  Only your creator really has a handle on you.

Which File Extension are You?

You are Windows 98.  You're a bit flaky, but well-liked.  You don't have a great memory, but everyone seems to know you.  A great person to hang out with and play some games.

Which OS are You?

Sunday, May 22, 2005


Today is a nice quiet day. The weather isn't too hot, and there is a decent breeze. I made my son go outside with me and play a few rounds of horse. You have to understand, I am not an outdoorsy person. I never have been. He was sitting in here watching tv, playing gamecube, and no amount of coaxing could get him out of the house. He is too young to have the lousy habit I have of finding any conceivable reason to stay in the house. We had a good time. I won, which is bad cos I am a lousy player. I think both of us need lots of practice. It was good for both.

I am so totally bored. I don't want to read any blogs. One of the ones I read the most hadn't been posted on for awhile, and now I can't get anything on the page. I hope it comes back. He felt more sorry for himself than I do, and I thought I was a whiner. That tends to make me feel a little better about myself.

I have a pretty busy schedule this week. That can be a good thing. This is G's last week of school for the summer, so he has Wednesday off and we are planning on going up and spending the day with my sister. I think we will have a good time. Tuesday a bunch of us that used to work together are getting together for lunch. It will be good to see some of them.

We have one whole week off together, and then my school starts the next week. I am more nervous about school now than I was before. I just assumed I would get great grades since I worked so hard on it. I was wrong. It really saddens me greatly, and I am having a hard time getting out of the funk.

Time for a break. Yall have a great day, and God Bless.

Friday, May 20, 2005

It's official

My friend that is always gleeful when she outdoes me on anything got all A's. I didn't talk to her since she got her grades, but she had it next to her name on messenger. Yay for her. :( Pardon me while I go lick my wounds in the corner. :(

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


It is Wednesday, right? They are all running together now. A guy came to give me an estimate on my roof. I found them in the yellow pages yesterday. A friend of mine used to work for the company as a secretary. I called and she asked how I found them, and I told her about my friend. When I told her the name, she recognized it right away and said that was the best secretary they ever had. She moved out of state, but I will have to let her know. She is a workaholic and stayed till all hours just to make sure everything was perfect. They sent a guy out today, and I found out I knew him. It sure is a small world. He was my friends ex-brotherinlaw. He was the youngest of the boys and was the nicest one as far as I was concerned. I used to run around in the town he grew up in. He used to have a blazer with purple flames on it. (It was cool at the time anyway.) It was really awesome. He was just a 16 year old who saved up all his money, took one that was a piece of junk and tweaked it all out. Pretty amazing guy who took pride in it. He is a lot taller now, married with 3 kids. His family was very poor, and most of the boys were not nice people, but he was a sweetheart. Very polite. He still had the lispy thing today I noticed. I never would have known him if he didn't tell me his name. He seems to be a very nice guy. His son is 14 and has a truck he is working on so it will be ready when he can be legal. He said they were just discussing the other day about putting purple flames on it. LOL. He said his son isn't convinced yet.

Anyway, he will be back Friday afternoon to let me know what he has figured up. He is going to have to make some calls about replacing the porch as far as cost goes. He said they can take care of the chimney too. It sounds like it might be a lot more reasonable than the other guy that came. The only problem was he said that the decking needs replaced, and that is where a lot of the expense will be. :( I need to keep it under $7500, or else I will have to pay closing costs cos they will have to rewrite my mortgage. I don't know much about that, but I hope I don't have to mess with it. I can go a little over $7500 and pay some out of pocket, but not much. It will be hard on me if I do.

I have been making copies of stuff the lady from the agency needs tomorrow. She has to decide whether I qualify, and if I can afford to pay it back. I need to be poor, but not too poor. LOL I don't know if they can count my grant money for school or my gas allowance, but we shall see. Thats all thats getting me by for now,that and the unemployment.

I planted all the flowers I had purchased in pots today and set them around the house. I hope I didn't kill them. They have been in the garage too long. They look like they are already doing better, lifting their little heads up to the sun. My irises are blooming very nicely. I will have to get some pictures and post one or two. I hope the others bloom too.

There was a little coon still sitting by the porch. I went and got a kitty litter bucket, lid, and snowshovel and was going to capture it. My stepmother happened to be outside so she "helped" (meaning she captured it, and I cheered her on.) There was another one laying there that had died. She said they were about starved, so thats probably what happened. I put some catfood in the container and took the little baby out to the river and let him loose. I actually did that all by myself. I hope he makes it, but I hope I never see him or any of his kin again.

B'f is sleeping. He messaged me awhile ago before he went to bed. He is getting prepared for the midnight showing of Star Wars. Its nice to have a break. He is taking his son, so they ought to have a good time. I am going back to my HTML. I cleaned house today and stuff, so I didn't even open it up till now.

God Bless. And bless all God's creatures. Just don't let them live in my attic.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Grades. :(

Ok. I was "ok" with my grades. They aren't the best, but that one is the best I could do, considering all the other classes I had. I am sure I could have gotten better if it was the only class I took but thats not going to happen. I wasn't thrilled, but now I am angry.

Sue called. She is the one I helped all the time, and told me how they got extra credit in logic for this, that, and the other thing. (one thing that us online weren't offered at all, I might add). Her first test she took in that class was a D, but they got to print it out, correct it, and got to bump the grade up. My first test was a D, but there were 7 questions that weren't complete so I took a screenshot and sent them to the instructor. She said there was nothing she could do, and when I asked if I could redo it, was told NO. I had to stick with the D. Not happy. Sue got an A out of the class, and would call me up bawling cos she didn't get it. I helped her through a lot of it, and she got an A. I would do it again, but I would be just as angry as I am now. She is on the deans list this semester. She keeps telling me not to feel bad. I do, and I am pissed as well.

The "friend" who seems is in competition with me is also in finals this week. She has already started emailing me all her A grades, and has been asking how I did. I don't want to tell her. I call her a friend, and she is in some ways, but true friends don't act like she does at times. She uses me as a stepping stone to make her feel better about herself. I don't need the pressure. I have enough self esteem issues of my own. I know people expect me to always be the better person and not say things that will hurt someones feelings, but sometimes I want to scream at them. I don't want to be as petty as they are. Honest. I care about grades. I don't care that she has a newer car. Its never one I would have gotten for myself, but she thinks its better, so I let her cos it makes her feel better. My b'f is far from perfect, and not the guy for me, but at least he isn't in prison like hers is. Mine didn't borrow $500 from me to buy Christmas presents with. But she couldn't help but gloat over all she got for Christmas and her birthday. Of course she didn't tell me till he got sent to prison that what she didn't pay for he used funny money on.

I am just angry that I get computer logic better than my friend, but she got the better grade. She has been asking everyone and it seems that I am the only one at my school, maybe in the whole planet that got a C. :(( I really am happy for her. REALLY. I'm pissed at the instructor. I'm pissed that I am a lousy test taker, no matter how I try different things to get better. I'm pissed that life isn't fair. I'm pissed that the place I worked decided my job could be cheaper performed in Mexico and put me in this situation. I am pissed that my sons dad is such an asswipe. I am pissed that I can't lose any weight. I am pissed that I am loyal to a b'f who doesn't even trust me.

I think its time for the wine cooler I have been saving in the fridge. Not really saving it, just forgetting its there. I better drink it now since its shouting my name.

God bless, and please forgive me for being bitter. I will try again later to be the better person, pull myself up by the bootstraps, and give it all another go.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Grades are in

I was right. 3-B's, 1-A, and 1-C. The C could have been a lot worse, so I have to be content with that. I tried my best, and thats the best I could do. I have some other intense classes, so I will give them my all as well. The hardest part for me is the memorization. There is a lot of it, and I fried so many braincells back in the 80's that I really thought would grow back. Apparently not. :( My GPA is currently 3.25, down from the 4.0 I had before. :( Now the challenge is to get it back up as high as I can.

I bought a book on HTML when we went out Saturday. I started on it yesterday and am enjoying it a lot. My books I ordered on VB should be here in a few days. They offered free shipping, and I took it, so it will take longer. I felt the need to feed the brain so I went ahead and got the html book. It's all good. I learned how to do this, which is very basic but I think its cool. Thisas well. Of course when I was doing the tutorials I had to do some 105 and H20 just cos I could. :) My brain is not used to this much time at rest, so I am giving it some exercises to do. Next break maybe some graphic stuff. Depends on what my mood is at the time. I have PSP7 but only opened it once.

Almost time for Dr. Phil. If he isn't any good today I may just do some more html. Have an awesome day!

God Bless.

Friday, May 13, 2005


Just got done chatting with b'f. He drives me crazy sometimes. We are supposed to go out tomorrow to Red Lobster in another state. Its about an hour drive for both of us, and he lives a little over an hour from us, so its like a big triangle. We are supposed to meet at the restaurant. It normally would be no big deal. I have a "thing" with my stepmother in the morning. Its a brunch that starts at 10:30. I don't know whats planned, or what time we will leave, but I am hoping by noonish we will be on our way home. B'f doesn't have a cell phone, so there will be no contact after he leaves in the morning. He is going to take his son shopping before we get there so he can get all the expensive shoe places out of the way.

We agreed to meet at 2:30. I told him if we weren't there by 3, go ahead and get a table, but get one for 4 just in case we are just late. He said, *We will just wait. " I said again, if we are over 1/2 hour late, go ahead. Just in case something happens. Then he said, "aren't you planning on coming????" Ok. How stupid would I be to pass up a free meal at Red Lobster? Of course I am planning on being there. My father has been in real bad health. What if he drops dead? What if my 1989 car decides it isn't in the mood to go anywhere? What if my tires are flat? I have no way to contact b'f, who would be in another state, sitting in the parking lot for 3 hours. Dumb ass. He said I could always call the restaurant and give them a message. I asked him what good would that do if they were in the parking lot? "o" he says. (No capitalization, or h, and that drives me crazy as well) He said they would go inside and sit in the air conditioning. Sheesh.

I hate having people wait on me. It makes me hurry, unnecesarily at times, or make stupid mistakes cos I don't want to let anyone down. Even a dumbass b'f. Then, he had the nerve to tell me I am like Sue, worrying too much. Ok, maybe I don't want to be responsible for someone sitting in the parking lot for 3 f'in hours cos they are too stupid to go in and eat. I hope I cool down by tomorrow. It just grates on my nerves sometimes. I have no doubt if we don't show up till 4, he will still be within 100 feet of Red Lobster, with a whining mad kid. He will have this hurt look on his face, wondering if I had to stop and screw someone on the way over, and thats why I would be late. That would be the only reason he could think of. I am getting madder. I had better just go to bed.

God Bless, and please pray for my lousy attitude. I need it.

Can anyone give me advice?

I see all the blogs with links to other blogs on the side, but don't know how to do it. I thought about changing the background as well, and I didn't know if I would have to put in the counter and everything again, so I don't think I will be making any changes as far as that goes. If anyone can help me out, I would appreciate it. I read some really good blogs and would like to share. Thanks.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


It felt great today not to have to study. No homework. No worries. Well, not no worries, but at least not class related. :)

Sue took me out to lunch at a nice place. She said it was to thank me for helping her throughout the semester. She is a headcase, and its a full time job to make sure she is ok. One night I got an email and she was working on logic. She said she couldn't get it and had been crying all afternoon and evening. I got offline and called her. She said she won't forget when she answered the phone, I said "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??????" I know I get upset about classes sometimes, but I am not going to cry all day about it. Thats what tutors are for. You can use them as your whipping boy, and then feel better. LOL. Ok. I never did that, but got tutoring when I needed it. We had steak and shrimp, and an "exploding onion". Very delightful. Of course, I ate the steak and brought the shrimp and baked potato home. Half of the onion found its way in my container as well. Very delish.

She is such a headcase. We went to walmart for groceries for me, and she kept putting stuff in my cart I didn't want. She tried to get me to buy all this snack crap that we don't need, and said she was going to take something out of my cart when I wasn't looking. I bought a container of erasers since we seem to have a bunch of eraserless pencils, and she complained it was too many. How can a person have too many erasers? I thought she was done complaining. We got up to checkout. She was being very nice and quiet, so I was on my guard. When the cashier got to the erasers, she calmly looked her in the face, and said "would you please tell my friend that she is nuts for buying so many erasers? They are going to last her years!" The lady looked shocked and burst out laughing. I had this "what the hell?" look on my face first. I need to loosen up more often. I started giving her a hard time, but then I thought I had better behave cos she was driving.

Just thought I would drop a post in. I feel such freedom. Sigh. Life is brighter. Did I mention Sue is a headcase?

God Bless. and thank God for headcases to help us feel better about ourselves. :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


I didn't have a heart attack or an anxiety attack. Finals are over for me for the semester. I think I have 1-A, 3-B's, and one as yet undetermined. I am hoping for a C, which is what I had before the two tests today. They say he grades on a big curve, and I would love for it to change to a B. One of the tests, (not the final) was acronyms and what they mean. We had to fill in the words then choose from definitions. I know I got about 1/2 right. I almost asked him if we got extra credit for originality. (Like "Oblong Data Indigestion") I have to look up ODI now, just to see what it really is. I made up a few that sounded plausible, but left a few blank.

It was such a relief today. I drove home with the windows down, inhaling the smell of fresh mown grass, fresh country air, and as little pollution as possible. I feel like doing a happy dance. I got my papers turned in for mileage for May, my books are all turned in, and life is good.

I called the lady about the roof. She is coming a week from tomorrow to see it and give me the application to fill out. I need to get 2 good estimates, but don't know if I have to have them before she gets here or not. It would be helpful I think. I will call around some more tomorrow. I am meeting Sue tomorrow for lunch, and we are supposed to go to her house and see about getting her visual basic cd to work. She doesn't know how to install programs. I don't get it. Anyway, it will be nice not to have to get back home and study. I am making my grocery list and will wander the aisles aimlessly while kidlit is at school.

God bless. Let your loved ones know they are. Loved, that is. By you. ;)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


I woke up this morning feeling real dizzy and everytime I turned my head the world just swam. I laid back down after G went to school. I got up later and the same thing, so I went back to bed. I laid there and worried about what I need to do, and decided just to get up and deal with life. I think it was probably stress related. I have some things I just don't want to do, and worry and fret about them. I think people that know me would be surprised by that. I think they see me as a take charge kind of person who gets done what needs to be done. That's the way I am when I feel COMFORTABLE with something.

I had to call around and see about getting some financing for the roof. I feel like a poor schlub who is trying to work the system so I don't have to fork over any money. Truth is, I am so far in debt I will never get out. I have a savings account, but that is for the house payments from my school grant I got. That way I may be able to keep up with the rest of the monthly bills. My charge card bill is higher than my house payment. I use it for important stuff to keep us going throughout the year. Somehow the balance gets about $1000 higher every year. I know there are some frivolous things on it, but not as bad as it could be. I try not to, I really do. I don't want to have to borrow against the house. I want to get it paid off. 5 more years. If there is any house left. :(

One of the baby coons must have got out of the attic. My neighbor was out mowing and saw one in our yard. When her hubby came home they put it in a bucket and took it out to the river down the road and let it out. It was just a little thing. It could sure climb the tree out back though. One gone. YAY! That has to mean they are big enough to get out on their own. Hopefully they will all be gone soon.

I found out one of the ladies that we were going to meet for lunch Thursday had a mini stroke Sunday and just got out of the hospital today. I called her when I found out. We talked for quite awhile. She sounds like she is doing very well now, and the Dr. said she may never have another recurrence. They are planning on taking a little vacation to Washington DC in a few weeks, and the Dr. said it would be good for her. She is going to bypass lunch Thursday though, and I think that's a wise move. I think at this point she would be too concerned over driving that far and may bring on an anxiety attack and that wouldn't be a good idea. She needs a few days of r&r without being poked by needles.

Time to get back to studying. Tomorrow is the last day of finals for the semester. Pray for my networking test. Its the hardest class I have, and is the most important grade to me.

God bless, and pray for health. Don't take it for granted.

Monday, May 09, 2005

One down, two to go....

I got through part 1 of my hardware test. It sucked. Well, it was ok, but I SUCKED! Another freakin C. My instructor said he thought I would do better too. At least its over. I have part 2 Wednesday, and then the Net Essentials test. Thats the one I am really dreading. There is a lot of stuff to try to remember. I sure know a lot more than I did when I went in, but what are the chances thats what he is going to ask?

I went to my favorite store today. My test was over at 9:30 and I didn't have 2nd class till 1. I rarely leave campus on a school day, till time to go home. I went to Home Depot and priced tin roofing. I talked to the guy there for quite awhile. He was very helpful. They have a nice charcoal gray color that would look nice I think. I think it would look a little more professional than blue, like was suggested. I bought new doorknobs for the garage entrance. That was it. I done good. I looked at all types of roofing materials. I sure hope I can find some way to fund this. I am going to call around tomorrow and see about getting some more estimates. I saw the guy from town that gave me the first estimate, and I think he shaved his head again. Probably a lot cooler crawling around on those roofs.

Time for bed. God Bless.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Mother's Day

Mother's day has had quite a turnaround for me. It used to be all I could think about was my dead mother and my dead daughter, and how I wondered if God had forgotten me. I was 10 when I lost my mother, 25 when I lost my daughter, and 37 when I had my son. Thats a lot of years inbetween. I would stay hidden in my house, not go to church or anything because I was so jealous of the women who had relationships with their mothers/children. I felt alone, which I feel alot, because I feel like I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer. Never really fitting in anywhere. Does everyone feel like this? I don't mean just "unique, or special". I feel odd. Not normal. I find things funny that others don't. Of course, I like geek humor, and a lot of the people I hang with don't get it. I like to listen to classical music, and a friend called one night while I had it on and she called it "funeral music." Come on people, get some culture! Open up your horizons. There are other things out there!!!!!!!! When my dad found out I like herbal tea and classical music he asked me "where did you get THAT from??? Surely not while living under my roof." I decided not to break it to him that I tried mayonaisse instead of miracle whip and I prefer it. I also make brewed tea instead of instant. I will let him think I am that little girl that he raised to be more like him. It makes him happy that way. He doesn't know any better. He only has an 8th grade education, but has done ok for himself. I love him dearly, even though we have had our moments. If I would have listened to him, I would still be bitter on mothers day, and not have the great son that I have now.

B'f took G shopping last night while I got Grandma's gift. They said they were just going to look at toys, cos G was a butthead all day yesterday, and I really needed the quiet time. (in a crowded walmart, with tons of people buying last minute gifts) Ahhhhhhh, peace and quiet at last. I cruised through the garden center looking to see if it would look good in her yard, or better in mine. LOL. I just got her something, and not me. I done good.

I was supposed to find them in toys, but they weren't there, so I made the traditional potty stop, and caught them going around the corner with a DVD in their hands. They didn't see me, so I let them go. I walked leisurely through the store, went to grocery, then figured they would be back at toys by now. Wrong. I walked all the way back, then toward the front again, and they were coming back in. I asked G where they were, and he said "AT THE CAR" (snicker snicker). He took off to toys, and b'f said he would get him while I checked out. G came out, but no b'f. I asked if he saw him or escaped again. He got the glimmer in his eye, and said, "I know where he is, and if you try to go after him I am going to stop you." I thought instead of putting my son through that, I would just be patient. He probably would have rather me put up a fight. LOL . It was nice. When we got to the car he wouldn't even let me put my stuff in the trunk. AHA! LOL. Those 2 are like the 3 stooges. Whispering, smiling, loud whispering. It was so cool to listen to them. I had to wait till this morning. Usually G sleeps till 10 on Sundays, but this morning he was up at 7:12. I had just gotten back to sleep and he jumps up, says he will be right back, and comes in bringing the most beautiful gift bag I have ever seen. It had lilacs on it, with a real lavender ribbon for the handles. They got me 2 DVD's, "Garfield, The Movie", and "Ron White, They Call me Tater Salad" Oh well. Its the thought that counts, and I oohed and ahhed like a good mom should. We saw Garfield at the theater, and it was ok, but I wasn't going to spend more money on it. The Ron White one I would have been happy to just rent, but they were both so proud. I messaged b'f today and thanked him profusely. He got me a gift card too, so I can get what I want. Wooooooooohooooooooo. Now I have gift cards totaling $20. I can shop like crazy. They are both so sweet. I thought G was going to bust before I got them opened. We sat down and watched Garfield. I love the kid so much my heart is just going to burst one of these days. He loves his mommy, and thats more than alright with me.

Time for bed. I have a final in hardware tomorrow. (part 1) Say a prayer for me, please.

God bless, and God bless mommy wannabees, and children who miss their mommys, no matter how old they are.

Friday, May 06, 2005

3 down, 2 to go!

I just got the final done for Strategies. Its worth 100 points, and an extra 20 if we turn it in my today. (I got it done 24 hours ahead of my deadline) It wasn't actually due till the 11th, but its OVER! I feel relieved. It was a boring paper with 5 different sections, so I tastefully added a little clipart. I hope that is ok. They can be such sticklers for detail. Some of it was our opinion type stuff, so I didn't think he would mind a little informality. Besides, if everyone just writes it real plain, he will be bored silly.

I should be in bed. I thought since all I have to do now is study for my finals, I would try to get the 2nd monitor hooked up. I have always wanted to try it, but I don't think my desk is big enough. There is also the electrical limitations to consider as well. I brought my old one in here. Very excited to try it. I thought my speaker wires were going to snap by getting slammed into the sides of the desk, so I put it back in the other room. :(

I had the oddest dream last night. It was one of those sexy type dreams. I can't mention it to my b'f for obvious reasons, since it wasn't him, but also because I think I have convinced him I don't have those type of feelings ever since my hysterectomy. Anyway, I called a guy yesterday about giving me an estimate on a new porch roof. He was the sexy man in my dream. He had shaved his head the last time I saw him, so thats the way he looked in my dream. Just like a 5:00 shadow on his head. I could see the want in his eyes. Bad thing is, he is married and was married in my dream. I can even be responsible (to a certain extent) in my dreams, cos nothing happened, but I could feel the steam. His wife came in yelling at him, wanting to know why he was spending so much time here, and he has a family at home to take care of. She was a bitch in my dream, but I would have been too. Anyway, he showed up today to give me the estimate. He had hair. I have only met him maybe 3 times the whole 8 years I have lived here. He wasn't near as mysterious standing in my yard as he was in my dream. Thats for the best. All I need is to have real life fantasies about married men.

It will cost me all my savings to get the porch replaced, and I am not happy about that. It will be metal so the coons won't have any way to get in it. My savings really isn't savings, its set aside to transfer for my house payments so I can stay ahead of my bills. I won't have that to fall back on, and its been a life saver. Its nice being able to pay all my bills every month. The porch has to be fixed though. I have heard people talk about getting their roof replaced by an agency that paid for all the costs for low income families. I called around today and can't find anything. I emailed my ex pastor to see if he knew of any, but haven't heard back yet. The rest of my roof is real bad, and he said if its not leaking yet, it will be in less than a year probably. If the sheeting doesn't need replaced, it will be between $8000 and $10,000. WAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't have a drop of that money. My dad said I may have to take out a loan. Who is going to give me a loan when I have no job???????? I think that part alone is quite a hurdle.

I better get to bed. God Bless, and pray that the roof fairy flies over and zaps my roof with her heavy duty repair wand. Thanks.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Ok, its going on about 3 weeks with no sleep. My biggest fear is of them making a hole in the ceiling and falling into the living room. I am a total chicken when it comes to this. I think I am really tough on dealing with every day life, at least as far as anyone else knows. (Like the saying goes "never let them see you cry") I came home today and there was a coon in the trap. My stepmother came over and took the trap out of the attic and carried it outside. I called some neighbors and they came over and got rid of it. I didn't ask. I don't want to know. Now I hear more up there. Now I want to cry again. My son said he thinks there are "like 15" in there. I called today about seeing if I can apply for a new roof since my porch is shot and my roof over the rest of the house is getting ready to fall completely apart. I can't even get a loan now since I am without a job. I called a guy here in town that could put up a metal roof on the porch. That could solve the problem, but he said he won't be able to get to it for at least 6 weeks. WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I nicely asked for an estimate so I can work on a plan of action in case ERBA can't help me out. I called a guy yesterday that traps coons and critters as part of his living, and he said that where they are located he can't get them out. I would have to hack off part of the porch, then that would make it wide open for other critters. I am sick of them.
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Here is the "little darling"

We had a neat thing at school today. I had my face digitized and put in one of those crystals. It is cool. You can even see the insignia that was on my shirt I wore today. If they could have done pictures, I would have had my son's done, but they need the person there since they are 3D. Everything was free. Pizza, drinks, prizes. I got a caricature done of me today too. I have never done that before. We had a good time. It was a nice break inbetween tests. I had 2 today. I am completely done in 2 classes, and almost with a 3rd one. I hope to finish it up tomorrow. I have a final Monday, and then 2 finals on Wednesday. Then 3 weeks of FREEDOM! Maybe I can crawl off someplace and have a nervous breakdown if these damn coons are still here. I am sooooo tired, and terrified they will get into the living quarters.

Time to go. God Bless, and please pray for a coonless attic. I need some sleep. Thanks.