Tuesday, February 28, 2006


I was thinking of my all time favorite song today. It's called Dancin' Shoes, and it was done by The Faith Band with Carl Storie. He is the person that wrote it. It was wide released by Nigel Olsen, who was Elton John's drummer. This was back in the 70's. I love the song. It's about finding love across a room.
We saw Carl Storie and the Faith Band in concert back in the late 70's when Peter Frampton was trying for a comeback. They were a band out of the Indianapolis area. I fell in love with the song that night. To see the author perform it with feeling was awesome. One of my friends found the album and bought it. I borrowed it about 6 months later and kept it for like a year. LOL. When she asked for it back I am sure it had a rut worn in it. I finally found the album and bought it. Then stereos with turntables got to be hard to find.
One night while surfing the net, I did a search for Carl Storie. I found his website, and the phone number for his publicist. :) I called and she told me where I could get his cd's at, since the music had been rereleased. Needless to say, I sent her the money and she got them for me and sent them. I bought his old one on cd that I used to have, and his newest release. He is solo now, but still performing in the Indianapolis area.
It's still awesome. I love the new album even better than the old one. My dream date I think would be to be swept away to Indianapolis to where he is performing and slowdancing with my dream to the song. Sigh. I think someone would really have to care to do that with me. Ex b'f wouldn't have ever thought of it, even though I mentioned where he performed at. He was too concerned about what he couldn't do than ever caring what he could do.
I don't know why I thought of the song today, but started singing it on the way home. Its been humming in my ear ever since I got here. :)

I had some bad news today. One of the guys I worked with passed away this morning. He was a dirty old man, but harmless. He was one of the sweetest people I had ever met. He wasn't quite with the program I don't think, but everyone who knew him cared about him. He took care of his mother for years till she passed away. He had diabetes real bad and used to be a heavy drinker, but had quit. He worked at the plant for a very long time, and quite a few were worried about what he would do when he got laid off. They didn't know how long he could make it, since that was all he had known. He left this earth this morning. Bless his soul. He was a kind funny man, and will be missed by many. :(

God Bless you my friend. :(

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sicker than a dog

I don't know where that saying came from. I have heard it for years, and said it for years, and I don't know why. All I know is I have been under the weather for the passed two weeks. My son only went to school one day last week because he was sick. He didn't get to play in his last basketball game cos he was hacking everytime he would take a deep breath. I was almost over mine and he gave it back to me. Now he is doing great, almost, and I want to curl up and die.

I have so much homework but can barely think. I had to do my psych homework today since it was due tonight, and barely got it done. I have a big project to work on for Tuesday, so I will have to crack down tomorrow on it. I really feel like shit. My head is pounding, and its full of snot. I am sneezing, wheezing, eyes running, nose running, sweating, freezing, ummmmmmmm, and breathing. Sort of. I sure hope it passes soon. I feel so attractive. NOT.

Sis came down again Saturday. Brother and his wife and family were at my dads. We were so sick I didn't dare go over or let son go over to play with the kids. Poor G felt so bad. He wanted to play and even offered not to breathe while they were here. I told him I felt like our whole house was infected, so they needed to stay next door. I felt bad for him.

I have been trying not to think about the ring thing, again. Of course, if someone tells me not to think about something, of course thats what you have to think about. I don't know why I didn't get the ring, but I know that if I did, it would stay with me till I die. I want to cling onto everything that had anything to do with my mom. At least with my neice it will stay in the family. When G grows up and gets married, I don't know if I would want him to give it to his bride since divorce is so prevalent these days. I have my mother's bible. I have the memory of her reading to me, and going to the library a lot. I have memories, more than my sister has, I am sure, but probably less than my brother has. Life goes on.

God Bless, and let your loved ones know you care.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


I went for an evaluation today for counseling. I wasn't sure what I was going to talk about. I have a mental list, but I'm not really sure what should take preference. Being a better parent is at the top of my list, thats for sure.
Anyway, the woman that I talked to was very nice, and knew what she was doing. Either that or I was just hungry to talk to someone who HAD to listen. She started on one subject, and they kept leading to other ones. By the time we were done, she had over a page, and we went 1/2 hour over time. We talked about the job thing, the kid with ADD thing, the Dad thing, which lead to the mom thing. I didn't even mention the b'f thing, but I probably will have to sooner or later, because of the kid. She asked me if I had ever been on antidepressants, and I told her about when I was on them back in the 90's, but she didn't ask why, and I didn't say. That seems so long ago now, but it changed my life completely. I go back in two weeks or so. For not being a cryer, I sure let it go today. I hate when I wimp out like that. Its so unlike the public me. I was very emotional today for some reason, even on the drive over there. I had just got done talking to my dad, so that was fresh on my mind. He had told me yesterday that he enjoyed living next door to us, that we got to know each other better. I am really going to miss going over there whenever I felt like it. (or whenever he was having trouble with wordpad. LOL)

I turned him on to M$ Word yesterday. I showed him wordart. LOL He is having a ball. He showed me the verses he has been typing and had a different style on the header of each verse. He was so proud. My sister came down to pick up the bookcase, and he had to take her back and show her "the project." It was good to see him enjoying himself.

While my sister was there, dad mentioned how I had mom's ring. I told him I had never had mom's ring. Sis piped up and said that brother had it, gave it to wife, wife gave it to my sis, and she gave it to neice. I have no idea why I never got it. It just went around me. I don't know if I will bring that up in counseling or not. I try not to wonder why I didn't get it. I wish she would have told me before she gave it to neice though. just so I would be prepared and not be shocked when she opened it in front of me when we did Christmas at Thanksgiving.

I found out Tuesday that ex b'f has lost his job. My friend (that had introduced us) and I were talking, and her husband works at the same place. They are both out of a job in a few weeks. He has been checking out his options, but I know ex b'f hasn't done anything. Thats normal for him. I feel bad that he can't talk to me about it, and I almost sent him an email telling him I was sorry to hear the bad news. I am afraid he would think it was an opening and he would want to get back together. I told my friend that I would be praying for all of them. It's affecting the whole office staff. (a takeover from a company that already has office staff in a central location.) I really hope he makes it ok. The timing really sucked I think. There is never a good time though.

Well, God Bless, and pray for dislocated workers everywhere, even me.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Its just dreams

I had another one last night. Every time I remember a dream, I try to write it here. I don't remember them very often, and I imagine it has something to do with my sleep pattern (or lack thereof.)

I was over at my uncles house. My aunt was at work, as usual. I sometimes stop in to see how they are doing, and we usually end up talking computers. He will "discover" something really cool, and show it to me. (like changing color on the font in an email, etc.) Anyway, on this particular day, we were sitting and talking. He got up, left the room, and came back with a walmart sack. Seeing as how Walmart is so popular around here, you see those bags about everywhere, for every purpose. I use them at Christmas sometimes for packing material for presents. Anyway, on with the dream.... he walks in and hands me the bag. He is smiling really big and has a glimmer in his eye. Now, as far as my uncle goes, he gets excited over things that a lot of people don't. For instance, the glimmer stays the same whether its a dirty joke, or the latest craft deal they bought off of QVC. The boyish smile reminds me of the younger uncle who was healthy but scary. He has mellowed a lot, for which I thank God for. I am sure his family does too. Ok, anyway, he hands me the sack, and I wonder what he has got into now. I sit it on the table, pull away the sack, and inside are parts of my fond memories of my youth. I first take out my jewelry box I had as a little girl. The ballerina that twirls on her little spring is still intact, and spinning to Fur Elise. I loved that jewelry box. It had all my tacky little necklaces and rings. That was before I had my ears pierced, but I had a turquoise ring that belonged to my mother that was in there. When I looked, the ring was in there. Just like the day she gave it to me. Honestly, I don't remember if she really gave it to me, or if I took it after she passed away. If she didn't hand it to me, I am sure she would have, or did in spirit, anyway. There was nothing else in the box, except the ring and the once broken ballerina. The only other thing left in the sack was my mom's old sewing kit. I think every woman in the world had one. At least every woman I ever met had one. It had been years since I had seen it, but I remembered it right away. I opened it up, and touched the things she touched, I inhaled to see if I could breathe some of the air that she had once breathed. I picked through everything, trying to find something left of her. My uncle was talking about where he had gotten it, but I don't remember what he said. I just remember the awe I felt at touching something my mom had touched. Her fingerprints and memory are still on my heart, and sometimes I think I can still feel her arms around me. I know she watches over me and my son.

I don't know what ever really happened to the sewing kit and the jewelry box. I am guessing the trash or rummage sale. My stepmother is notorious for getting rid of stuff that she doesn't want. My mother passed away in 1970, on February 23rd. She was 34. I just noticed the date is only a few days away. My dad always remembers, but doesn't ever talk about it unless my stepmother isn't around. She is still jealous, after all these years.

God Bless, and hold your loved ones tight. Even the ones only in your memories.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

It's official

I am a free woman. He mailed me my house key. I got it Wednesday or Thursday. (It's the "not remembering which day of the week it is because of brain overload" thing.) I sent him the email I had written previously after editing it a little bit. I didn't want to hurt him. Here is my email to him:

Thank you for the key. I got it today.
I can't be what you want me to be. I can't be who you need me to be.
I just can't do this anymore. My dad is dying, my son is getting in trouble on an almost daily basis, and you always think I am running around on you. If you can't trust me after all this time, you never will. I know you have been hurt in the past, and so have I, but that is the past. I have never given you any reason to think I was messing around but its always the first thing you think of.
I DO have a ton of homework, and I have been neglecting a lot more of it than I should by being available Saturdays, and being online every evening to chat with you. I can't do it anymore. I need to do what is best for me. I need to spend more time with my son and not feel bad about not being online chatting with you.
You put a whole lot more into holidays and stuff than I do. I think if you love someone, show it daily instead of making a big deal out of one day a year. I know you show me you care, so to me spending Valentines day together isn't a big deal, and I'm sorry it is for you. I wish I could be what you need, but I'm not.
I am just so overwhelmed with everything. You need someone who can spend more time with you. I can't. I wish I could be that for you, but its not going to happen. I am sorry it ended like this. We had some good times together. Take care of yourself, and **** too. You will both be missed.

Here is his response (an offline message) :
I tried to send you a reply, but my stupid computer wont let me send any mail out.. not reply...not compose...nothing...good thing i learned copy & paste...sorry it wasnt an email...I didn't think you were fooling around. I just thought a couple should be together on a special day like valentines day. I thought if you couldnt make time for "us", then perhaps you didnt need or want an "us". I am finally started seeing what you saw a long time ago. You once said you saw no future for us. I see it too. I'm sorry I waisted your time you could of used doing other things. I'm sorry I waisted 3 years of all our lives. Please forgive me for all my blunders along the way. Tell **** I'm sorry I wasnt special enuff to become his dad. You & **** will be deeply missed.

So there it is. I haven't shed a tear, but my boy has. I am sorry for his sake, but I am glad its over. I feel a lifting of spirits here, and now both of us can get on with our lives. It's funny the comment he made about not thinking I was messing around. He brought that up every time I had 10 minutes in my day I couldn't account for. Man, its been a long 3 1/2 years. Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Time to get ready for the boys game. God Bless.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

And it is done....

I am currently b'f less. I feel good about it. Its not official, but since we aren't speaking to each other, it may stay that way. I am relieved. I haven't told my boychild yet, and that concerns me the most. He really loved him a lot, but I couldn't do it any longer. We got into a major disagreement, but instead of discussing it, he made a jackass decision, so it made it a lot easier for me to be done with it. Here is how it played out....

I am chatting with him on Thursday evening, trying to do homework. He said he kept Tuesday open. I asked "what for?" He said to spend Valentines with me. ???? I am bogged down with so much homework its almost to the point of forgetting what day of the week it is, much less taking an evening off. I set aside every Saturday for him. I don't pick up a book that day, so I can be sociable. He gets an attitude, and I know he is angry. He always cares about holidays a lot more than I do. For me, showing you care every day is better than going overboard one day a year. I don't need candy, stuffed animals, etc, to know a person cares. It must have been important to his ex, cos its real important for him. Anyway, I told him I couldn't. Too much work to do. He thinks since I go to a Jr. College that its easy stuff. WRONG. The main instructor I have is a demon when it comes to teaching us. Every semester he pushes me way over whatever I thought was possible. B'f is mad. He says "I will let you get to your homework then." I say thanks, and turn the messenger off. My son had a game Friday night, so we didn't get a chance to chat. I think he made sure the only time he messaged me was during the middle of game time. (they only play for an hour, he is usually one for at least 2 hours.) Anyway, Saturday I go through the normal routine, clean house, plan and make a dinner for him, thinking we could do Valentines on Saturday. He works every other Saturday, so he usually gets here around 5. About 4:30 he messaged me. He had went home after work. No big deal, if he would have mentioned it to me. He has been coming over here every Saturday except a handful for the past 3 years. He said he thought it would give me plenty of time to study so we could do valentines on Tuesday. He doesn't grasp my schedule at all, and I always get a new batch of homework every Tuesday thats due on Thursday, and I have another class on Wednesday so the turnaround time has to be quick. I was pissed. I told him that would have been great if he WOULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE I TOOK THE WHOLE MORNING CLEANING AND COOKING AND PLANNING A NICE EVENING FOR US. He said "sorry." I knew he was feeling pretty smug. That made me even more pissed. I told him I was off to study, since I had blown the morning away. I shut messenger off, and started on the homework.
He messaged me the next day, but I didn't respond till evening. He said he knew he had screwed up. I said "yep." He asked how homework was coming along, and I told him I had a test to study for. Bye. Last night he messaged me, and asked if today was out of the question, and I said "yep". He said "Bye." I think he meant it. No messages from him today. I imagine he thinks he is making me hurt. I am instead relieved.
After 3 years he still didn't trust me. I didn't love him like I should, but I was always faithful. I wouldn't have went out on him. That was the first thing he always thought of when I needed some time to myself. As soon as I told him I couldn't do valentines because of homework, he said, "o, you have a better offer." Cripes.

I hope the rest of his life goes well. He has a chance now to find the person that he really needs in it, cos it wasn't me.

God Bless, and Happy Valentines day.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Please don't read this post.

My b'f is a dumbass. I knew it all along, but its so totally apparent. He has to go for a followup today on his eye surgery. He was complaining about how long the drive is. A month ago, it was a 6 hour drive there and back. Last night it turned into an 8 hour drive. I mentioned that he said before it was 6, and he just said "ok." Which means, "I am the one driving it, and I know how long it takes, but I am not going to argue with you." Now, he is south of me by over an hour. The big city he has to go to, is also south by about 3 hours from me. The math to me would say that it should be a 2 to 2 1/2 hour trip from his house one way, taking into consideration the amount he has to drive southwest. Dumbass was driving 45 minutes NORTHEAST, to get on the interstate to end up SOUTHWESTt. He went 10 minutes from the border of one state, to drive all the way through our state, to end up in another state. I am just frustrated. I thought he had the best route all planned out. I would have thought he would have looked at a freakin MAP. They have been around for years. I need and crave to talk to intelligent people. Everyone has bad habits, pitfalls, etc. God knows I have my share. I am so tired of him wanting me to take care of things for him. I try to get him motivated to take care of himself, but that doesn't work. I felt like I was nagging, so I quit. He hasn't got his paperwork done for the hospital bill yet, and instead of asking if he got it done, I mentioned since he was going to be there, maybe he could save on postage if he took it with him today. He said it was a great idea, but I doubt if he did it. Its only been 6 weeks since he got the paperwork. I guess I shouldn't rush him. (roll eyes) He gets a tax return, but he puts off filling it out till the last minute. He doesn't want to part with a dime to file it, so thats his perogative. I used to take us all out for dinner someplace nice when I got my money. Not any more. Valentines day is coming up. Usually he goes way overboard, but I have a feeling this year he won't. He won't have the money, and for that I am glad. I hate when he gives me stuff like that, when I don't love him like I feel I should. I need someone who makes me think, not someone to kiss my ass. We watched Sahara Saturday. I made the comment that I didn't think Penelope Cruze was very pretty, when some think she is hot. She has a hook nose, and the eyebrows need to be thinned out some. He told me I was much prettier than her, which is a bald faced lie. Thats not what I was looking for at all. I wanted him to clear up why people think she is so hot, cos I don't get it. It you go for the hooked nose, caterpillar eyebrows, and reed thin body, than I guess she would fit the bill.

Ok. I am done ranting. For now.

God bless, and pray for patience and a less critical mindset for me.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Dear Diary...

Its been awhile. I keep on keepin on, but need someone to talk to who will just listen. I don't want someone to keep patting me on the back, and telling me everything will be alright. I need to learn to turn it over to God and let it go, but I have to have something to do, so I worry if I am making right decisions, and mourn people who haven't passed yet. Here is a chronological description of things that have upset my world. I am going to mention even the mundane, since that is partially what is leading up to my breaking point, which I hope I don't reach.

Hardly anyone ever calls me on the phone. I have an answering machine for when I am gone, and I have Callwave for my computer so I don't worry about missing a call. It doesn't surprise me to see a name on the caller ID but no message left on the answering machine. I called my home from my cell phone one day to leave me a memo, and I heard my voice cheerfully on the other end going on about how we weren't able to come to the phone, yada yada yada. When I got home, there was no message. I stood next to my answering machine, called it from the cell, and it answered, and hung up. I disconnected it since it sounded like it was recording a message, but wasn't.

Last week my dad had a test ran at the huge city hospital an hour or so away. They pretty much confirmed he has lung cancer. They wanted to do a biopsy, but after discussing it and finding out they could only prolong his life with treatment, and not control the pain, he decided not to do anything. I don't blame him. He has been through all of this with mom, and he is tired. I called my sister and told her, then my brother. My brother actually came to see him this weekend, so that was a great thing. I hope he can forgive dad for the injustices he thinks he got from him. Dad did the best he knew to do. I don't think a person can blame him for that. He didn't realize it was wrong until it was too late. Thats the way he was raised.

Friday, we went and picked up pizza in town. We got home, got the car in the garage, and went to lower the garage door. It stopped about 1/2 way down, but the motor kept running. I got it turned off, and lowered the door by hand. Geesh. I can raise and lower the door by hand for as long as I need to. No big deal. Just another inconvenience. (I am not usually so petty when I have to do some physical labor, I just don't like it when things don't work the way they are supposed to.)

Saturday, b'f and his son came over. We watched a movie, they played game cube, I fixed hotdogs since he said he could go get pizza, but ended up falling asleep on the couch, and I didn't feel like going to get it. No big deal. He sat on the couch and snored while I watched the boys play. I couldn't work on any homework while they were here. I would have kept getting interupted and considered anti-social. No majorly big deal. I had about 9 hours worth of psych homework to do that was due Sunday night at 11:59, but all day Sunday to work on it. It wouldn't be easy, but I would get it done. They left around 11:00 pm. The movie was good though.

Sunday morning, I arise at 5 am to work on my psych. I start reading. There are 40 pages packed with terms, conditions, etc to try to get my brain to absorb. Around noon I finally start on the first activity out of 3. What the ****??? I didn't understand it at all. I tried and tried sorting it out, and decided to go to activity 2. I had just got started, and it looked a lot easier. I had less than 12 hours left to get it done, and take the quiz. No worries. My son came in from the bathroom, and told me that I would want to see this. I went in.

The water in the toilet was red. Ok, not red, but real real pink. I looked at his butt, and couldn't see anything, so went and told my stepmother I was going to take him to the ER. We had to take showers and change clothes, so we left about 45 minutes later. She had called me and offered to take us for a ride in their new car, so that was a good thing. I was hoping it was just due to him being constipated so much from not eating stuff thats good for him. I was scared to death that it was something horribly seriously wrong. This is my baby. What would I do if anything happened to him? I have lost one child during birth, and my world was a mess for awhile. My mind was working overtime, but I think I did well on him not knowing how upset I was. My stepmother was talking most of the way, and then broke the news.

They are thinking of selling the house and moving to town. They are afraid when Dad gets bad that they will have trouble getting around. She said her shoulder has been hurting her and she wasn't planning on putting out a garden this year. Dad said they might as well move to town. I love having them next door. I can just walk over, see how they are doing. I can help him on the computer. I babysit the dog when they are gone or have company. The stupid little dog comes over and KNOCKS on the door when he wants to come in for a visit. They watch my kid for me when I am late getting home from school. They have watched him for me when I had night classes. I just like having the bond with them, and for my son to be able to go visit whenever he wants too. This was a shock to me. She said they are "thinking" about it, but then said they were going to start advertising. Sounds like a pretty done deal. Its a great place and they put a lot of work in it, so I don't think they will have a problem selling.

My son was ok. He doesn't eat enough vegetables, and has to take stool softeners every day now. I warned him the dr. would probably want to look at his butt, and he did. He handled it like a trooper. That took 3 hours out of the afternoon, but I am so glad thats all it was. I had to make an appointment today with his regular dr., so Friday at 8:45, we have to be there.

Today I had a math test. Very basic stuff, although they do things with math I didn't realize. Anyway, I was studying this morning, and instead of it becoming clearer and refreshing my brain, it was getting worse. I worked past time that I normally leave, so took some stuff out to the car, got it started and went to raise the garage door. The &$#)&9^*& door would only go 1/2 way up, and I was running late. I ran over to the parents house to see about driving the truck, then working on the door when I got back. Of course I had to get gas in it. They never drive it. Its a nice truck, but it sucks gas like there is no tomorrow.

The test went "ok" I left one question blank, and showed her what I had done so far on it. She said we could refresh on that Wednesday. She said the answers on the rest of that page looked pretty good though, so I was relieved. Its work 100 points total, and we had 4 pages.

I got home, parked the truck at my parents, and she came over to look at the door opener with me. They installed both of theirs, so it was helpful. It must be the motor because she said the chain was inside and seemed to be intact and on track. We got the door up all the way. Thank goodness. After I convinced her that I would take care of it, she went home. I have two sides to the garage, no opener for the other side, and it was full of crap. As soon as the kid got home from school, we went out and cleaned out the other half, moved it all over, and swept. The car is sitting nicely in the garage now. I don't know if they can fix the motor, or it will just need replaced. Yikes.

Also, Friday night I did my taxes. I really took a hit this year, with not having any earned income. That cut my refund compared to last year by about $2800 difference. Not just that, but other things as well. I owe on the state. I knew it wouldn't be as good as when I worked, but I didn't think it would be that different. Thats what always got me through before.

Ok, thats enough. I feel better just writing it and getting it out of my brain. It gets so clogged up sometimes with reality, there isn't any room for school stuff. Thats what I need to be working on right now.

God Bless, and please keep me in your prayers. I love my dad.