Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The victim strikes again.

Chatting with b'f last night just set my teeth on edge. I wish I wouldn't feel guilt about dumping him so I can just do it. My son would miss him so much though.

Anyway, he said something about Monday being the 4th, and how he gets his son. He is planning on getting him at 10 am. No big deal to me. We didn't make any plans. I am sure we are included in his, but we hadn't talked about it. He hemmed and hawed around, and I asked him what he had planned, and he said he was going to try to convince me to come to his house. Why he said "convince" I haven't figured out yet. I told him all he had to do was ask. He hesitated, (this was on messenger) like he was straightening his clothes before a judge, and finally asked if I would do him the honor of coming to his town and spending the day with them. Before I had a chance to answer, he typed "pretty pretty pretty please?????" What a dumbass. I asked him if I have ever turned down and invitation to his house. He thought, and thought, and thought. "Well, no." I mentioned that if I ever did say no, it would have had to do something with the shape of my car, or bad weather was in the forecast. (snow, ice, that kind of thing. Rain wouldn't be an issue)

I don't understand why he acts like it takes such supreme effort to ask. Last year when his son was in band and had to march in parades he never invited us. I assumed it was because he was escorting his exwife to a lot of the out-of-town ones. No big deal. My son and I like parades and little festivals, but he didn't ask, and I wasn't going to invite ourselves. He said later that he didn't think I would want to come.

My take on this is that he keeps waiting for me to say no, so he can feel like the victim yet again. We went through this thing before where he kept talking about us getting married and crap, and I knew that wasn't going to happen as long as I had a sane bone in my body. I told him we needed to talk. He kept asking me on messenger what about, and I told him we would talk about it next time he came over. We ended up talking on the phone, and it wasn't the best way to set it up, and I know he was upset, but holy shit. I told him I didn't want to discuss it that way, but we needed to get a few things out in the open. He said he realized I was having a hard time talking about it, and it always is when you are dumping someone. I was pissed. I told him if I was going to dump him I would just tell him I never want to see him again. I wouldn't make plans to discuss it in person, cos thats the kind of chicken I am. He felt a lot better after we talked in person, but he was ready just to collapse under the agony of being dumped with no discussion.

Maybe its a man thing. Maybe its just a dumbass thing. I know I am not speaking very kindly of someone that I care about, but it drives me crazy. Maybe I am really just a bitch. He expects to get turned down, even though its been 3 (I say 3, he says 4 years that we have been dating) years and I haven't turned him down as far as going to his house goes. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a gradeschooler, and he seems to prefer that.

Ok, the steam is being let off now, so maybe I can talk to him like a human being again. I sure wish I could find another expert kisser. (see previous post, its been wayyyyyyyyyyy too long)

God bless, and pray for our relationship, whatever it is.

Another quiz yet again....

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new
A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing...
And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable
There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

Hmmmmmmmm, its been so very very long since I have had a good kiss. :(

The older student...

You can feel it as you walk the halls. People searching faces, hoping to see a friend. Even though the face is unfamilliar, you can sense the maturity, the ill feeling of not fitting in. The moment of recognition and kinship with other older students. The palpable feeling of "you are old, so if you can do it I can do it too" feeling. The "we have to stick together" feeling. The relief washes over you as you see that you aren't the only one that didn't get a higher education fresh out of high school.

At the junior college I am attending, there are a lot of older students. A lot of the manufacturing plants in our area are being sent overseas, or just shutting down altogether. Some of us are taking the opportunity to try to better ourselves so we won't be so indespensible. You can see the unsureness of people, and they bond they feel just seeing someone close to their age as they hustle from class to class. A word doesn't even have to be spoken. Just a glance, means "you're ok, I'm ok".

The average age in my speech class is 19. The oldest student is 46. I will be 46 in a few weeks. :( We had an exercise in class where we were given sentences and we had to write down how we interpreted them. For instance, how old do you think old is? How old is elderly? How much is considered a good living, as compared to a great living? Its all in translation. I put old as 75, simply for the fact my stepmother is 70 and is more lively and busy than I am. She doesn't seem old. I really think it depends on the person. One of the girls in class said that she considers 40 old. :( That was a good boost for my ego. :( The punk.

The diversity of people amaze me. There are the whiners, who really get on my nerves. (ok, ok, I know I whine HERE but I try to contain it just to here. People in my real life think I am strong and confident.) Then there are the buttkissers, who try to butter up the instructors for the better grades. I lean more toward being quiet and working hard, but that doesn't work out too well. I killed off too many brain cells in the 80's I think. It amazes me how people who have a hard time putting two words together can get better grades than me. I have a friend who can't find her way out of a paper bag without a map and a day of snacks, but yet she got on the dean's list and I didn't. What does that say about me? (That's a rhetorical question!!!!! No comments on that please!) She has poor grammar,and poor spelling and that drives me crazy. She is the type who gets most of the lyrics wrong in songs she sings, but yet gets better grades??? She stays after every class and chats up the instructors. She told me that one instructor said you have to smooze them and it helps come grading time. She said she is going for it. I know I don't test well, and I have been working on that, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I will just keep plugging away, and striving to do the best I can. It's just nice to know I am not the only "old" person there.

Have a great day, and God bless.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Happy Monday

Back to school for me today. Speech class was ok. We have a quiz tomorrow. My other class was a bomb as far as I am concerned. We have to write another batch file for DOS and I forgot everything over the last week. There were only about 5 of us that had the homework done that he had given us, so at least that was something. Tomorrow we go straight to lab and I will try to make sense of that mess I was working on.

I got a new computer chair today. It is wonderful. Black leather, with a massage unit and heater in it. :) I may sleep here tonight. :) They were on sale at Staples, so that was a good thing. It was very much needed. I just want to sit back and go to sleep. May not be conducive to good homework productivity.

I have to try the new picture thing I just read about. It looks like it works. This is just a picture I got off the web. I just had to check it out. Thats a lot easier than hosting it somewhere else. It makes my life just that much easier. :)

I guess I will go. I am just going to lean back in my massage chair and take a little nap. Life is good. Except for DOS batch files. :(

God Bless.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Herbie Fully Loaded

We went to the movie today. It was corny. It was unbelievable. It was fun. It brought back the memories of when I was a kid and saw the original ones with Dean Jones and Buddy Hackett. I had a huge crush on Dean Jones when I was a kid. He was cute, funny, and seemed very lovable to a little girl growing up. *sigh* The movie was good, although I really don't think that Lohan chick is all that. She makes a lot more money than me though so I guess she is. I am sure she doesn't care about my opinion anyway. lol

I have been dreaming about different improvements I want to make to my house. I know a lot of it will come to be over time, but it never hurts to plan ahead. I took a tour of Home Depot Thursday, daydreaming through the aisles of what I could change, and how it would look. I figure one room at a time. First the bathroom. It should take less than $1000 to get it completed. Almost all of it is done except the plumbing and some minor carpentry. I want a new dishwasher and kitchen sink. That will probably be next. I would like to replace the wallpaper and linoleum in the kitchen too, but I am not up for a big remodel for awhile after this bathroom thing. Of course I need new carpet and a new living room suite, but that will come in time too. I plan on waiting at least for my next big grant check before I do anymore than the bathroom. I want to have a cushion.

We played Mario Golf on the game cube tonight after we got home. 4 people on 18 holes last forever, especially since G likes doing replays about 5 times on every shot. :| When people do the rude comments when you are shooting is a real nerve wracker too. I think they all do it just to drive me crazy. Oh well, they just left a few minutes ago, and the house is peaceful again. All I can hear is the hum of the air conditioner and the low murmurs of The Red Green Show in the other room. I love that show. I have turned on about everyone I know to that show.

It's been nice not to have any homework this weekend. I plan on reading over my notes for speech tomorrow. I got an A on my speech. :) 68 out of 70 points. I was very pleased.

The contract wasn't there when I got to the attorney's office Thursday, but he said it should be sometime early next week. It will be nice to get all that behind me. That whole thing has been a burden now for almost 2 years. Actually 3 if you count the prestuff. Wondering if I should have the surgery, etc, etc. I am so glad I did. The pain was awful and really made a difference as to how I do things. I'm so freakin glad its almost to a close. The next big stresser to get rid of is finishing school and seeing what job I get after that. I love ruts. I hate starting all over again somewhere else. Such is life.

God bless.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

It's over...

My attorney just called. My claim is settled. Words cannot describe the relief I feel. He may have the papers by the time I get out of class tomorrow, and he may be able to get them finalized since the arbitrator is still going to be in town. After class I have to drop by and see if everything is in place. It feels like 50 lbs was lifted from each shoulder.

My only concern is if I get the money before my roof gets done. The funds have already been ok'd, but I don't know if this counts. I would still rather get the loan and pay the house off since its at a higher interest rate. I won't be rich, but at least I won't have to worry about making house payments for the next 5 years. Holy COW! Its hard for me to comprehend right now. If the roof thing doesn't go through, its going to take almost all that I get after attorney's fees to get the roof done, and that would really suck. I am just going to think positive thoughts.

The speech is over with. It went good. I got compliments after class by a few of the people. That made me feel better. Everyone can tell how nervous I am. I don't have the grade on it yet, but I read over the instructors evaluation and it was all good. All the classmates evaluate us too on strong points and what we need to work on. I saw one of mine laying on the desk and it said I need to work on eye contact. Thats a valid point, but these were manuscript form and everyone had a hard time with that since she wanted it at close to word for word as possible.

Life is good. Thanks for all the prayers. I am almost speechless.

God Bless. *sigh*

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

So far so good

My attorney called a bit ago. He said he had just talked with the attorney that is representing the company and has recommended that they settle. (the company attorney recommended to the company that they settle) My attorney says if they don't agree and we still end up in arbitration it won't be till Thursday so at least I am off the hook tomorrow. The attorney for the company said he was surprised he hasn't heard from the company, but he just got back from vacation. Mine and the company atty are supposed to talk tomorrow and go from there.

I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack today. I was thinking about that tomorrow and also giving my speech tomorrow. At least now I can tackle just one thing. My voice has been cracking for a few days now, and I know its because of the stress. My dad said I can take 1/2 of one of his Xanax in the morning and that should help. I have never taken one before, so we shall see. Meds usually don't effect me a whole lot, so I don't think it will be a problem. I rewrote my speech a bit, and here is the final version (its supposed to be manuscript form, so here it is in its entirety)

I come here today to pay tribute to something very near and dear to my heart. Something that has met the challenges that life has thrown his way. I want to express my gratitude and praise for my car. (insert picture #1) This is how Car might have looked in his heyday.

Car was made in the year 1989, and had high ideals of what he wanted to do in his lifetime. His hope and dream was to surpass the lifetime of most cars his age.

He has been there in good times, going to parties, bringing home a new baby from the hospital, and taking his people to weekend getaways. He has been there in bad times. going to funerals, transporting his people to the doctor when they were ill, or to visit a sick friend in the hospital.

He has even withstood all the mundane tasks required of him. Trips to the grocery store, the bank, school, and the monotonous daily trips to work. He has always been dependable and did what was required of him.

Life hasn’t always been easy for car. He once came in contact with a deer and was taken to the car spa. He had parts replaced, parts beat out with a big hammer, and work done under the damaged hood as well. He never looked quite the same. He was there for quite awhile, and there didn’t seem to be any rush. It was all so very strange to him since so much had been required of him before. He didn’t know how they were dealing with his absence. When he got home he found out he had been replaced. Something newer and flashier now had his spot by the door. A sign went up on his windshield, and he sat patiently waiting to see what would happen next. He had a prestigious spot in the front yard, but day after day he sat. Occasionally his person would come out, put the key in him, and give him a good start. A few times he would get to go out on the open road, feeling the wind rushing past his bruised and battered body. He loved the feel of the wind, and the rocks under his tires. This was what he was meant for, this was his dream. They would make their way back to the yard, back to sit and wait. After a few trips like this, he got moved to the back of the driveway. He could no longer watch all the other cars going down the road. He was left sitting despondent on the hill.

Oh sure, he still had some use. He was a shelf when someone was pruning the

tree he was sitting next to. He was a plaything, when the little girl of the house had a slumber party and they all piled in him and pretended they were teenagers cruising Lincoln Avenue in Charleston on a Friday or Saturday night. He was even a home to a wild creature who built a nest under the hood. He sat through the change of seasons, each one with the hope that his dreams would be realized. The test starts were fewer and farther between, the drives became almost nonexistent. He felt alone, and forgotten.

One day he was visited by his person, and a nice lady and her young boy. They looked under his hood, took him on another drive down the road. The lady was gentle with him, and this held some promise. A few days later, the nice lady showed up, removed the sign, and started him up. They went sailing down the road, and to this day barely has any time off. What joy, what pleasure Car has in being useful again.

No one knows how many people have looked upon Car as an object, a possession, but it was all fine with Car. He was here to do his job. Car has performed and done what has been expected of him. He has surpassed this goal, and even kept going when it was said he didn’t have it in him any more. People have thought that Car needed to be put to pasture, but he isn’t done yet.

Although outside appearances can be deceiving, (insert picture #2) I think that Car shows us that no matter our age or what life has thrown us along the way, that it’s the inside, it’s the heart that counts. We can all be flawed, weathered, aged, but its what pulses through us that makes us what we are. For this I would like to thank Car, for being what he is, dependable, sturdy, and strong, especially in the face of adversity.

Thats it. I found a picture online of a car like mine would have looked brand new except I had to colorize it. Then I took one of mine with the almost paintless hood. Poor thing. I need to go practice. I didn't think I would be able to find 3-4 minutes worth on my car, but it ran a little over 4. The most we are allowed are 4 1/2, so I need to time it right.

God Bless, and keep praying about the attorney thing. I was a wreck today. Thanks.
(let me know what you think about the speech. Just BE NICE!) :)

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Not exactly a Father's day story...

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately. I realize its father's day, but I need to talk about my mom.

She was born in 1935. She was the 2nd child of my grandparents, succeeded in birth by a big brother. (he was premature. hahaha. He got here 7 months after they were married, but seemed awfully big for a premie in the times, 1930's, wink wink) She met and married my father, an 8th grade dropout, in 1953. She was still in high school, and dad would tell me later how ironic it was that when whe was absent during her senior year that he would have to write her excuses to the office for her. They had convinced her parents that she was pregnant, to find out months later that she still wasn't showing. They had told her she couldn't see him anymore, so she told them she was pregnant. Not wanting the baby to be too "premature" they agreed to the marriage. My brother was born in Dec. of 1954, and I came along in July of 1959. My sister followed suit in 1964. I often wondered what they used for birth control since we were evenly spaced, but didn't dare asked.

My mother was my best friend. To me she took special care with me, as I was always the one picked on. Out of us 3, we all felt like we were the favored child, which is what good parents do. Anyway, when I was about 8, my mom got sick. They made her quit her job, and I remember her taking two baths a day. One to get clean, and the other to "soak" I knew she hurt, but I didn't know how or where. She was a great reader, and would have a huge book in the tub with her and not come out till she was all pruney. Then she would lay in bed and read, either to herself, or to me and my sister. I knew she went to the dr. alot, and we started taking her to the local airport to fly out of town for "treatments". I heard the word cancer, but I didn't know what it meant. I remember seeing her in the hospital a few times, when kids under 12 weren't allowed in. Dad told us we had to be very quiet and sneak, so they wouldn't find us. I know now they were concerned that we would disturb the other patients, but I know he had permission or he wouldn't have done it.

Mom got better and came home. She had one of her lungs removed. She had markings all over her body from her out of town trips. The summer when I was 9 her and grandma took me and my brother all over the countryside, sightseeing. We hit all the local places, anywhere within about a 50 mile radius. Of course, not realizing it at the time, she wanted to create memories for us. I had no idea. I just knew we got to do a lot of things and go a lot of places, and it was a great summer.

My mother always tried to protect me, while still letting me grow up strong as much as possible. I was always the fat kid. My dad would get mad at me and yell about how much I ate, all the time. He would sit there, overweight, food falling out of his mouth so he could yell at me telling me to stop eating. She would try to stop him, and I would hear them talk later. I didn't know at the time, but she had such guilt over my dad treating me like that and her ability not to stop him that she was going to therapy. This was in the 60's, when you only went to therapy when you were crazy. I think that was very brave of her. My dad is and was a very formidable man.

In February of 1970, mom was back in the hospital again. I knew it would be ok and she would be home before too long. She always was. She had been in the hospital numerous times. I used to write her poems and limericks and send them with dad to cheer her up. One of the girls stopped me in the hall that day and said "My grandma said your mom only has about 3 weeks left to live." What the hell was she talking about????? You go to the hospital to get better and she was there now and they were getting her fixed up again. I yelled at her and told her that her grandma was a crazy old lady. I didn't believe a word of it.

That night on the busride home, my brother wasn't on the bus. That was normal, as he was a rebel and they often got calls that he was somewhere he had just decided he wanted to go. (he was 15, after all). We got up to our church, where the pastor and family had a trailer behind the church. His kids weren't on the bus, but the pastor and his wife were standing there flagging the bus down, I heard the low rumbling of whispers and the bus driver told me to go with them. I thought it was very odd, but away I went. We went in, ate dinner, and then the pastor took me over to his office at the church. He told me my mom was very very sick, and that my dad was there now. He wanted to know if there was anything I wanted him to tell her, because he would be going over soon. I was in a fog. I don't remember much after that. I remember trying to sleep on the couch that night praying all night long that I could talk to her one more time and tell her how much I loved her. How much I know she loved me. How she was the most important person in my whole entire life. How I wanted to be like her when I grew up. How pretty she was. How I hoped I could be the kind of mother she was. How I would miss her. How I didn't want her to hurt any more. How I would be ok, cos I knew she would worry about that.

The next morning at the pastors house I heard the phone ring. She was gone. My dad came later and we both cried and cried, holding and hugging each other. He loved her so. We all did. I never got to tell her. I never knew until it was too late. There was so much not said.

Family thought they were protecting me by not telling me. What I was to gain from this protection, I have no idea. I know it wasn't the way it should have been handled.

I know my mom has helped me to be a better human being. I know she sees me from where she is, and that has kept me in line. I used to have dreams that her and I would be sitting together, and I was leaning over on her shoulder, just sitting. It was so very comforting. She was my friend, my teacher, my protector. I still miss her horribly. I wonder how different my life would have been if she was still here. Would I have married my ex? Would we have gotten divorced? Would I have different children? I will never know the answers to those questions, and I wish my son could have known her. It doesn't mean much to him at this point in his life, and I know I could never get across how wonderful of a person she was.

I can't get across in here how wonderful it was growing up with her around, the tricks we would play on my dad when he wasn't home, all the daily things we shared. Her love of Elvis has been passed down to me. Dancing to 60's music while cleaning house is still a favorite thing of mine to do. I still miss her.

God Bless, and let your parents know what they mean to you while you can. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

My son and a dad...

Last night as my son was getting ready to go to bed he wistfully said, "I wish b'f was my dad." My heart just breaks when this happens. I wish I could love b'f enough to make that commitment for him. B'f would like that. G needs a dad. He needs a man figure in his life. But he needs more of a man I think. B'f is nice, and funny, and likes to do things (movies, running around, fairs, parks, etc) but on the other end of the spectrum, he has no drive, an imminent failure rate, and accepts that too easily. I can't respect that. He expects to be the victim. We were chatting last night, and he seems to think that when he says "oh well" when someone dumps on him that he is being noble at accepting his fate. I see it as being a dumbass who lets others take advantage of him because they can. He even made the comment last night that he said "oh well" three times to different things we had been talking about in the same evening. That drives me freakin insane. If someone dumps on me, I sure don't stand around waiting for the next time. I understand there are circumstances where its very hard to get out of that situation, if related to work or something, but its not the case.

Here is one example: He has a nephew staying with him. His nephew is in his 20's, works part time, parties a LOT. He doesn't have a car, I'm not even sure if he has the momentum to even get out of bed when the driver's license bureau is open so I don't know if he even has a license. B'f carts him around when he needs it, unless he can hitch a ride with one of his drunken buddies, even takes all his laundry to the laundromat and does it all for him, (without even asking for a damn quarter) and doesn't ask for (or receive) any help with utility bills. I told him he needs to ask for something, even take him and the clothes to the laundry and let him do that much. He doesn't clean, help with anything. His girlfriend kicked him out awhile ago cos she got tired of supporting him. (single mom, working full time, supporting a child and mr. underachiever.) I don't blame her a bit. I told Bb'f he isn't doing nephew any favors by not expecting anything from him. He needs to fulfil the role the parents didn't and try to help him turn into a responsible adult, if its possible. He said "oh well." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I swear, if someone ran a steamroller into his house, didn't have insurance, and just walked away, b'f would say "oh well". If I get married, it needs to be with someone who can take care of business, get things done, and stand up for themselves and the family. On the other hand, if we are in a restaurant and things aren't perfect the way he thinks they should be, he gets very indignant and just says loudly so everyone can hear how displeased he is. (of course, not the people that can DO anything about it, Heaven forbid)

Another reason I don't want to marry b'f, he can't kiss. I "let him" kiss me when he gets here, and when he gets ready to leave, but that is even hard for me to do. We haven't had a kissing fest since I thought he was going to suffocate me. I was pulling my head back into the back of my chair and he thought it was passion so he was jamming his tongue down my throat. I had to forcefully push him away, as I felt like I was turning blue. He said he thought my floundering around was "passion" I guess when I sucked his tongue down into my throat he didn't realize I was fighting for air. Yep, I need someone who can tell the difference between passion and impending death. I got tired of wiping slobber off of my face. He needs to see a dentist badly, but has no insurance ("oh well") . How do you tell someone you don't want to hurt that you can smell his breath when he is standing 5 feet away? That has been better lately but I feel like such a bitch for not knowing how to tell him tactfully but going off on it here.

He is a nice person most of the time, but I can't get past these other things. The only reason I am still seeing him is for my son. I don't know if thats the right thing or the wrong thing. I know we will never get married, unless my brain falls out on the floor and I have no control over my actions. If I quit seeing him, I wouldn't be seeing anyone, and my son needs a man around, even one with no goals and a defeatist attitude. Do I sacrifice myself in this instance for my son and agree to a marriage? It wouldn't be a marriage. I would be hateful and cranky, and not any fun at all. I can't do that.

I am no picnic either. I am way too fat, cranky (ya think?????) and set in my ways. I think a man should be in charge of the family, but never found one capable yet. I think it should be a partnership. I lighten their load, they lighten mine. If I hooked up with B'f it would be like having 2 kids instead of one. I have enough trouble dealing with one now.

I have told G in the past that b'f and I just have too many bills, which is true, and if something should happen to either one of us that it would be too much to expect of the other to be stuck with so much debt of both, which is true. (he is diabetic, doesn't take care of himself, and I don't want to get into that right now. Grrrrrrrrrr) That's all true. I don't want to tell my son that he really sucks in bed, and I want to puke when he kisses me. I couldn't live with that every day.

Well, thats my "my son is wishing for a dad , and I let him down yet another time" rant. "Oh well." :(

Where is Dr. Phil when I need him?

God bless, and pray for little boys who need men they can look up to, and moms to find men with that quality.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Another test....

I got this one from FreeFlowThought. First, my results.....

you are mediumauqamarine

Your dominant hues are cyan and green. Although you definately strive to be logical you care about people and know there's a time and place for thinking emotionally. Your head rules most things but your heart rules others, and getting them to meet in the middle takes a lot of your energy some days.

Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.
the html color quiz

I'm not sure I agree with the last paragraph, but since I started this at 2 am and got scared out of my wits by a raccoon at my window about 3 foot from me, its no wonder I was rattled. The house was quiet, I was sitting here in the glow of the monitor, no sounds but the ceiling fan barely making a sound above my head, when I heard a loud noise right next to me. The critter was under the radar as my floodlight with the motion sensor didn't go off. I don't normally leave the window open, but we have had a slight cooling of temps so tonight I finally decided to turn the air off and let some real fresh air into the house. Silly me. The window is closed now and my heartbeat is getting back to normal.

I had the appointment with my attorney today. We may have the arbitration thing Wednesday, but he won't know till Wednesday for sure. He said the way arbitration works is that they don't schedule it till that morning, so I have to be ready and need to be within 30 minutes of the place. I live 45 minutes from the place. He said he doubts if he finds out anything until after noon, so to go ahead and go to class. I have another speech due Wednesday, but scheduled it for Thursday since I wasn't sure if I would be there. Now, it looks like I will be there Wednesday but maybe not Thursday. Crap. I wish this was over with. He said they will probably settle, but just in case we have to be ready. The attorney that is handling the opposing side is on vacation till Tuesday, so he may call Wednesday morning and want to settle. Thats what I am hoping happens. I hope he is just using this as a tactic to make sure my attorney earns his money. I don't know. I told my attorney I get real intimidated and then I get nervous and mess up. He told me about who would be there, where I need to sit, who I need to look at, and just told me to answer the questions as they are asked. He said its pretty informal, told me what a nice and fair person the arbitrator is. Personally, I'm glad he is a nice person, and good at his job, but I would prefer never to meet him, at least in a professional capacity. I just want this crap over with.

I was noticing today that my scars are not hardly noticable. I really had to look for one of them. I don't have the strength I used to, and probably never will again. I didn't realize until he asked me how much I have changed the way I do things to compensate for the lack of strength and fear of damaging them again. The dr. that did the surgery said there is only about a 5% chance that I will get it again, but I don't want to take any chances. I think thats why the rate is so low, no one wants to risk carpal tunnel a 2nd time. That's one reason I don't want to get back into a factory setting. I don't want to risk it. The sleepless nights, the numbing hands, the limitations of things I can do.

Time to try to get some more sleep. The contractor is coming today to see when we can get this roof underway. Good night, God Bless, and keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Another one down....

I gave my speech today. I lived through it. We did a questionaire that asked how we rated ourselves on speaking in various situations. It ranged from 1-24, doesn't bother you at all, up to bothers you some, normal amount of public speaking fear, and 80-125 is Extremely high level of apprehension. (deer in the headlights, I am gonna hurl kind of fear.) I was 117. Not surprising. At least I wasn't "fall over and die of a heart attack". I knew we were going to be discussing fear and how to combat it, (of course that was AFTER the speech!!!) so before class I was thinking back about how I got so afraid. It made an impact on me, and I know I will never forget it.

It seemed like only yesterday....
(cue dream sequence....)
We were beginning a new school year. It was fall of 1970, and I had my first male teacher. It was his first year teaching, and he seemed a very nice guy. He enjoyed kids, I could tell, and that is very important in a teacher of grade school kids. My 4th grade teacher hated kids, and it was apparent. But I digress.....
Most of the kids in the room were ones I had been to school with the 5 years proceeding. Kindergarten was kind of optional back then, so my parents didn't send me. Most knew we were poor, and I was extremely shy. My mom had passed away the winter before, so I was shy, raw with emotion, and very backward. Our teacher thought it would be a good idea to go around and tell what we did over summer. Being new to the area, he wanted to get to know us and what there was to do. He started at one side of the room and was going around. Someone went to Disneyworld, someone else went to church camp. someone else was in a wedding, on around the room. Then was my turn. I stood up at my desk, got ready to talk about church camp, Bible school........ then there was a knock at the door. The teacher went over, and we could hear the "buzz buzz buzz" of whispers, and he turned and looked at the class, and announced, "I'll be right back, go ahead and continue". There I was with no teacher, talking to a bunch of 10 and 11 year old kids. My own age, but all considered themselves better than me. Most had filled me in on that any opportunity they could find. I continued to talk, when one of the girls (who is either in prison, living in a trailer with 7 kids, or dead now) asked me why I was still talking cos no one gives a damn about what I did. She told me to shut the fuck up. (Her words, not mine) so I sat down and wanted to bawl but didn't dare. She was loudly discussing making out with one of the guys in class. (not making out with him, she was filling him in on her and her wonderful boyfriend who was probably a drop out by then) I was devastated. No one stood up for me, and I sure couldn't stand up for myself. I assumed they all felt like she did. When my teacher came back in the room, he asked what he had missed and if I had finished. I just said "yeah." I didn't realize at the time that I have that feeling every time I try to speak in front of people. What if they don't find me witty or charming? What if they think I am trash and have nothing to offer???? I find my response as a valid fear since I went through it, but we are all adults now, right? Although, I know some who try to make people think they are adults, but are still kids. I am extremely intimidated, and now the mystery is solved. From then on through the rest of my middle and high school years, if I had to get up in front of the class my voice sounded like I was trying to speak through a rubber band held tight. I squeaked till the teacher let me stop trying. That was the day I started pulling farther back, and realizing I had nothing worthy to offer anyone. Thats my story on that.

I am keeping up on the DOS batch files we have been working on. For that I am grateful. Not many have been working on them when they get home, which is good for me cos they aren't breezing through it. I had the first two parts already done when we got to class. YAY for me! It's been a good day, and I am just giddy.

Time to go do SOMETHING. I am not sure what, just something.

Take care, and God Bless, and pray for little girls who don't have mothers. Its a tough way to try to grow up.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Speech day...

is postponed for tomorrow. There are about 6 of us left that didn't get it in today. Darn it. We just ran out of time. <==== sarcasm. I don't want to give it at all. She took volunteers and I just didn't. I know tomorrow I won't have a choice. I will deal with it then.

I think I was about the only one that worked on the batch script for DOS. He said I was about 90% of the way there. :) For a change I wasn't the last one done. I am not having much luck with the ones he gave us today. I don't think he is going to be there next week, so we will probably have a lot of homework then. We still only have 8 weeks to get through all of it, and we are on week #2.

G's game went well tonight. He has another one Thursday night. Then Saturday.

My attorney called today. I was hoping it was to tell me that we have an offer to settle. I didn't want to call. I hate calling over there. He is a nice guy, seems to know his business, but I hate it. Not him, just IT. I want this done and overwith. He sent them a letter saying if he doesn't hear from them by the 22nd, an appointment has been scheduled with an arbitrator. He called today to make an appointment with me before we go to arbritration next week. :( He says he hasn't heard anything at all from them. My SIL said she doesn't think I have to go to that, but I bet he says I do. I don't wanna. I want the whole thing to go away.

I feel better since I am back with more veggies and fruit again. I had a salad with almond slivers and cheese on it. Poppy seed dressing. Very yummy. I just had an orange too. I would like to drop about 100 lbs before my speech tomorrow. I somehow don't think that is going to happen.

I had better get to bed. I have a speech to give in the morning. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Good night, and God Bless.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Movies, speeches, and the first day of school....

Yesterday after G's game, b'f, his son, and us went shopping and rented some movies. We saw Batman, (Micheal Keaton's 2nd one I believe, good what I saw, but I fell asleep in part of it), Cat Woman, which I liked, even though some of the computer animation left a lot to be desired, and National Treasure, which I really liked. They left around 11:30 and took the movies back on their way home.

G did great in his game. We had our own rooting section. Sue showed up and so did my friend Cathy. Its a shame, but we only get together during his ball games, and then only 2 times a season or so. We don't really have a lot in common, but I don't want to lose touch with her. She travels all over the world, used to know every ball player on every team, where they came from, who they are related to, and all the stats. She was that way in music too. She is extremely smart and got straight A's in school. She got majorly depressed once because when she graduated she got an A minus. I was pretty close with her mom, and her mom loved G. She would babysit for me on occasion when I went to get a perm or something. Her and G had big plans to drive a van to California and take the neighbors dogs to see the ocean. She passed away very unexpectedly a few years ago, and I still miss her terribly.

I have been working on homework. Gathering things for my speech. We have to get a bag that has some importance to us, and 3 items to put in it that are important somehow. I may have even written about this before. (What age does Alzheimers usually start? Sometimes I wonder....) I made a collage of my kid, I got a Cross, and a lego building that looks like a house.
I need to think of a strong start and a good finish. I am still working on this, needless to say. I will just make sure the part in my hair looks nice, and maybe they won't notice. LOL I thought about leading in with how, for a price, I can buy about anything I need to survive at Walmart. (using a walmart bag), then bring out the cross and say something like, this represents Christ to me, and he has already paid the price for my eternal life. Then, the house for security, and the pictures of G will be on the wall behind me, and how he is the reason for me getting out of bed everyday and keep on keeping on. It has to last between 1 1/5 to 3 1/5 minutes. I will have to time it later. I have been jotting down ideas.

While I was going through picture disks and downloading them on the computer for the collage, I came across the pictures of his first day of kindergarten. Sitting on the babysitters porch, standing outside in the parking lot holding his nap mat thing. It doesn't seem like it could be that long ago. He is getting ready for the 3rd grade. They aren't kidding when they say they grow up so fast.

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Isn't he the most adorable kid you ever saw? How can that cherubic face get into so much trouble? He has grown up quite a bit since then. He was so adorable in his Curious George shirt and shorts.

While I was going through the disks I also found a disk that wasn't ours. I am going to call Walmart and see if they want it back. It was from March of 2003, so probably not.
Time to go. I have to practice my speech.

Good night, and God Bless.

Friday, June 10, 2005

They're Back.

My parents made it back today with presents in tow. We get a little gifty for dog sitting. I got a cute little windchime, and G got a light thing that glows and spins. He already had one, but it was about dead, so this one is brighter. They got him some stickers with his name on them. Only when he came home and showed me, it was the feminine name like his. :( We are going to take a sharpy and try to fix it. Oh well, they meant well. My dad started collecting model vehicles like he has had in the past. He got a 1949 truck the same color and everything like his daddy had. We used to have some sort of law that if you bought a truck you had to have your name and town painted on the doors. I don't know why, but dad said that you only had 30 days after purchase to do it, or you got fined. I came home and whipped out some address labels and made him a set for both doors. He is happy as a clam. While I was working on them I went over to get the truck to make sure I had the right size and caught him with his head hanging over the trashcan and his handkerchief full of blood. My stepmother said she thinks it has something to do with the blood thinners and the aspirin he is taking. I didn't think you were supposed to take both, but she said his Dr. told him to. He is miserable. I went back about 15 minutes later and he was all cleaned up and sitting there like nothing happened. I got very downhearted when I wondered how often this has happened.

I have a meeting with my contractor next Friday. He is concerned if the church does the tear off that it might rain before they get here and then my insulation in the attic will get mildewed. Its a valid point. I am going to talk to the pastor and see if he wants to sit in on the meeting too. I think the contractor expects him to. We shall see.

Tomorrow is G's first peewee game this year. Then he has one Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and next Thursday, and he is done for the season. I am not sure how long little league lasts. I guess I will find out next year. He had practice last night and he was really banging them out. Ok, well, he hit them pretty good, when he hit them. :) I can tell he has been practicing. Still needs some work on the catching though. He is excited about tomorrow, and my b'f and his son are coming. Grandma has to go sell some more flower benches, and dad will be in the house in the air conditioning. He had a great time on vacation and was telling me about all the shows he saw while he was gone. I am so glad.

Time to go to bed. I have to get some rest to root for my favorite ball player in the morning.
God Bless.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

My dad and speech.

I got a call from my stepmother last night. She wanted to check on the dog while they are gone., and I guess make sure the house is still standing. They will be home Friday instead of Sunday. She said that the dr. called and something is going on with his heart according to the monitor they had on him. She had told me before they left that he may need a pacemaker, but he said he isn't going to do it cos he is tired. I understand. But I don't want him to go, and its very selfish of me. I guess we will see what happens. She said they need to get back so they can get a medicine for him anyway. They are having a good time, which was the whole point. Really, its a good idea for any vacation to have a good time. Doh!

Everyone got to give the introductory speech yesterday. My voice wasn't normal, my face was red, and I was clutching my paper like it was a rope holding me while I was dangling off a cliff. They didn't get to see my face much, but they sure got a look at the part in my hair. :( I kept trying to focus on speaking clearly and slowly. When I am nervous I have a tendency to talk really fast. I had my Expectation Paper that was due complete, and getting over the fear of speaking in front of a group was first on the list. It went ok, but I have a long way to go before I am comfortable.

I found out I got approved for my loan on the roof. She said the approval letter should be going out in the mail today. Then I can call the roofer and get on the schedule. YAY! I will call my pastor this afternoon if I haven't heard anything by then to see if he came out and looked around yet. They may help with some of the labor if possible so it might lower my bill some. His office is about 2 blocks away from the contractor so I told them I may let them talk it out and see what they can do together. It would be great to get a lower bill, then I wouldn't have to use all of my savings. It will be great not to worry about critters in the attic anymore. We might even start sleeping upstairs in our beds and not in the living room. That would be unique.

I feel funny calling him my pastor when I don't go to church there anymore, but since we don't go anywhere and I am still a member there I guess its ok. I didn't get in touch with them to see what they can do for me, I emailed him to see if he knew of any agencies that replace roofs. Some don't have to pay anything for certain income guidelines, but its based on the county too. Oh well. My payments will be cheap for the next 20 years, and no coons in the attic. What more could a girl ask for? :)

Tomorrow is a free day. G loves the babysitters house. He has been swimming in their pool, playing on the trampoline, and playing X Box. I know I am protective, but they let their grandson listen to stuff I won't let G, watch violent stuff, play with guns, and play violent games on x box and playstation. Then they wonder why he gets so violent. I will be glad when he is away from there, but he won't be. I think he wants to live there now. I don't know if its fair of me to feel that way, but he is only 8 and there is way too much violence in the world. When I went to get him Tuesday, his first day there, he came out of the bedroom looking like GI Joe after a sale at the local weaponry shop. I know he is growing up. But he is only 8. My baby boy. I don't want him to get desensitized to the violence aspect. After awhile some things just don't seem quite so wrong anymore. I want him to have fun, and learn and grow into a great human being. He may need to be at their house some next week. I will need to see if my parents are ready to watch him when they get back. They may need a week or so to see whats going on with dad before they take my kid over. At least he will still have some fun with my stepmother. They both like to fish and she will have a fishing buddy. He will be in paradise.

Time to go. School waits for no man. Or woman. God Bless.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I survived another first day...

If I wasn't such an old lady this wouldn't be a big deal. Probably. I have nothing to base it on. We had 3 assignments for speech class today. Interview a classmate the remaining minutes of class, write a speech introducing them to the rest of the class, (that we have to give tomorrow) write at least a one page paper on what we expect to learn out of the class, and tomorrow we have a quiz on the syllabus. In my survey of operating systems class there was no homework. The instructor for that class is the same one I had for networking, and is known as the quiz nazi. He said we won't have many for this class. YAY! I think I alone was responsible for the death of a couple of trees last semester. I interviewed a very nice girl that looked like she was about 19, maybe. Turns out she is 27, and has 2 kids, a 6 year old and a 2 year old. She sure doesn't look it. I am 45 but feel like 80, so I guess I am not a good judge of age anymore. I used to be almost right on the money. She said she gets that a lot though.

She loves to write. I told her about the wonderful world of blogging. She may be checking it out soon. I know it helps me to get rid of my doubts and fears. Its nice just to have a release. I feel like I am talking to a friend who sits and listens quietly. I can rant or rave, bitch and moan, and I don't offend anyone that I know in real life, cos no one in real life knows about it. :) Pretty smart move on my part I think.

Time to go to bed. I am going to study for the quiz tomorrow. I get to do this all over again.

God Bless.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Errand day.....

Tomorrow I start the summer session. I have mixed emotions. I am not used to having 3 weeks free time. Its been boring boring boring. I even started hanging out at the message board again getting involved in the altercations. In that respect school starting again is the best thing for me. I feel like I am starting all over, not knowing who is going to be in my classes. I know one for sure in my second class, but not for speech. I need to get my trusty backpack ready too. I never finished cleaning it out from last semester.

I am poor since I got the jalopy fixed last week. I had to turn my papers in today so I can get a check this week. I was thinking about waiting till tomorrow since I will be driving the distance anyway, but I am not sure about the car thing, and since a friend is watching the munchkin for me I don't want to take any extra time. She is only going to watch him for 3 days I think till my parents get back from vacation. I get reimbursed up to a certain amount on the babysitting, so all parties involved said they would accept whatever I get. My stepmother said she wouldn't take any money at all, but I told her since I was getting it, she might as well have it. I could use it, but it wouldn't be right. She is going to take him fishing and other cool stuff. I imagine he will get some computer time in too.

I took some papers to my attorney's office today. The letter I got from him said that if they didn't agree on a settlement before the 22nd of June it would go to arbitration. That is the day of the appointment he made. I thought I had better get the rest of the billing statements to him just in case. I really hope it comes to an agreement before then. I would be content if it just paid the bills for the surgery and paid me my out of pocket, but it would be great to get some other bills paid off. (Like the house) I owe less than $7000 on the house.

We went to Midas and got the oil changed in the car. Stopped by Sue's and picked up the Cd's that she ordered for us. I have been listening to Bryan Adams since I got home. G entertained the Midas people while we were there. On to walmart and home. Corky misses his people so we have been trying to spend some time with him. I walked around their house and watered flowers, looked at the strawberries that should be pickable in another day or two, and chased him around the yard. I left the tv on for him last night. He would drive me crazy if he stayed here, and all his toys are at his house.

I guess I will go for now. I need to get ready to go back to school. Have a great day and God Bless.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I got LINKS!

I added some, but will add more at another time. Now some can see who I read and who I stole from to get to other ones that I am hooked on. :)) Have a great one!

The car is fine.

We had to go to town today to get ball pictures taken. The car did fine. We went to another town to get the pictures back my son took at his school outing. The car acted like nothing had ever been wrong. Thats a great feeling.

My dad is feeling better so they are leaving for vacation tomorrow right after church. I gave my stepmother "digital camera 101" and let her borrow my camera and all the accessories. I made her change batteries, take the card in and out, make it zoom in and out, and delete pictures. I told her to play with it for awhile, so if there is a problem we can still get it figured out in the morning. She is taking her regular camera too, so they probably won't use the digital much. I hope they do. Mine is just a point and shoot, but I imagine if I was trying to learn it when I was 70 I might be a little nervous too.

All this talk about photos. My son is 8. I can tell by the pictures he took that he watches me too much. It goes to show you can't be too careful when you are living your life cos you are being watched, especially if you are a parent. He got a few pictures of kids, but mostly were trees, and close up of leaves. LOL I gotta love the kid. Almost all the pictures he took were a blur. I told him you are supposed to STOP for a second when you take a picture. He took them all on one trail. 27 pictures. He must have used up the film in 8 minutes after arriving. LOL. I am no great photographer. Not even a good one. I like what I like, and I don't always capture it like I want. My house is dowdy, and when I take pictures in the house I am always concerned about where they are being taken. I see the background now instead of just what I want to be in the picture. I have had too many pictures I was embarrassed to show anyone because of the carpet stains, lousy wallpaper, or toy riot in the living room. Some day I will have good carpet, a kid that picks up his toys, and better wallpaper. Someday.

B'f car was still in the shop today, so we won't be seeing him this weekend. He went out to dinner with his pastor. School starts for me Tuesday and I am nervous. I know one person in my computer class, and its the same instructor I had last semester. The other class is speech, and I am not looking forward to that at all. When I used to have to get up in front of a class to speak my voice would crack and my throat felt like a rubber band someone was pulling. I thought I would take it in the summer since its required but it won't last as long. I don't know anyone in that class yet. I could have taken it online, but would have to go on campus to make the speeches, so I thought maybe if I get to know people before I have to stand up in front of them, it might make it easier. I am so terribly shy, even though some are shocked to learn that of me. One on one is fine, but a group. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

I am bored out of my mind. I went to Yahoo chat last night, just to see if it had changed. Still the same junk. I will find a nice game somewhere to play. I am caught up on all the blogs I read. One hasn't been posted on it a long time. If anyone knows what happened to the defeatist., let me know. I still check quite often, and nothing. I can't get his posts to show up anymore. Just the topics on the side. I hope he is ok. There is a blog I like to read, and I don't even know how I found it. Its Waiterrant. Another one I like real well is The Big Yellow House. She writes very well, and is very funny. I really like reading hers. There are quite a few others I check out. (You know who you are. ) I wish I could figure out how to list them on the side like I see the others doing, but no such luck.

Well, off to find some games. Maybe I will even go to bed early. Tomorrow we start dog sitting. EEEEEK!

God Bless, and thanks for the prayers.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Another quiz....

You Are 65% Normal

(Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal

You're like most people most of the time

But you've got those quirks that make you endearing

You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

Who would have thunk it? I am really normal!!!! Yikes. How screwed up does that make everyone else????

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

And another thing....

I am Power of Attorney for Health Care for my dad and stepmother. I assumed if they did that it would be my brother since he is the oldest, but he is second. B'f said he thinks they made a wise decision, but I am not so sure. Ok, so I am really practical, and if he is suffering and he won't have any improvement, he clearly states what he wants done. He wants finances and quality of life considered. I can do that. I think. Haven't they realized the trouble I have letting things go? I am a basket case at funerals where I don't even know the people. I had thought at one time of going into the physical therapy field, but when I found out that you had to work with cadavers I was a wreck. All I could think about was that they had belonged to someone. They were someones child/parent/aunt/uncle/etc, etc. If it comes down to it, will I be able to stand by what they want? I think I will, but will it haunt me? Or will it haunt me if I don't? Are you considered an orphan if your last parent dies when you are 45? or older?
I know my dad is suffering, and I hate to see it. When my mom passed back in 1970 she had been in so much pain from the cancer. She never let us know, but Dad protected her from us. We were allowed to sit on the bed quietly. We got bouncy, we were sent to the other room. In those days we still had a black and white tv. Being a big tv family, when Mom got confined to bed dad went out and got a color tv for their room. Needless to say, the 3 of us kids had our places in the bedroom to watch with them. It was amazing. It sure helped prolong the life span of the old black and white set.
Dad still misses Mom after all these years. I know he can't wait to see her. I can feel her presence with me sometimes. I wish my son could have met her. My stepmother is good to him, but, well, its not the same. My mom was my mom. Very special, loved us all very much. All three of us felt that we were loved equally. Thats what a good mom does.
I hope when dad goes, he goes peacefully in his sleep, with a smile on his face, able to breathe at last. Seeing my Mom waiting for him on the other side.

This is my brain rambling when I can't sleep.
Good night, and God Bless.

A busy day....

Today was the day to pick up books. We got there around 8:45 and was done by 9:15. Pretty good I thought. Unemployment office at 10, the park to meet Sue by 10:30. G was playing and having a good time, and Sue thought we should join in. It was a good idea in theory. Needless to say, I fell on the slide and hit my back against the bottom of the metal part. I have a bruise and scrape about 2 inches in diameter. I feel like I really been whomped. We went and ate at McD's and let G wear himself down some more in the kids thing. (No amount of trying to get me involved there worked) We went back to the park and played Putt Putt. It was a lot of fun. Sue hates it, but she won. G loves it but was so impatient he didn't even want to wait till the ball stopped moving before he hit it again. He came in last. I, of course, being true to form, was mediocre. Onward to the batting cages. G did great! He hit about 80%. His stance was great, and he was really hit them out of there. He had never done it before, and I was real impressed. I can tell we are going to be doing that quite a bit I hope. Then I took a turn. Out of 10 balls.... (drum roll please)..... I HIT 10!!!!!! I was nailing them. I really liked that. Its been over 30 years since I have hit a ball. I was never very good before, but I think I was taking out my frustrations. It felt great! Sue did crap, so that lifted my spirits some too, and its not nice, but its honest.

My dad came home today. He is cranky, tired, and complaining. He said they are talking about a pacemaker, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with it. He said if God wants him to go, just take him. He is tired. I understand.

I got my car back. It ran fine home from the shop, so I think its going to be ok. He said the rest of it looked fine. I pray it sees me through another year.

God Bless.