Wednesday, June 01, 2005

And another thing....

I am Power of Attorney for Health Care for my dad and stepmother. I assumed if they did that it would be my brother since he is the oldest, but he is second. B'f said he thinks they made a wise decision, but I am not so sure. Ok, so I am really practical, and if he is suffering and he won't have any improvement, he clearly states what he wants done. He wants finances and quality of life considered. I can do that. I think. Haven't they realized the trouble I have letting things go? I am a basket case at funerals where I don't even know the people. I had thought at one time of going into the physical therapy field, but when I found out that you had to work with cadavers I was a wreck. All I could think about was that they had belonged to someone. They were someones child/parent/aunt/uncle/etc, etc. If it comes down to it, will I be able to stand by what they want? I think I will, but will it haunt me? Or will it haunt me if I don't? Are you considered an orphan if your last parent dies when you are 45? or older?
I know my dad is suffering, and I hate to see it. When my mom passed back in 1970 she had been in so much pain from the cancer. She never let us know, but Dad protected her from us. We were allowed to sit on the bed quietly. We got bouncy, we were sent to the other room. In those days we still had a black and white tv. Being a big tv family, when Mom got confined to bed dad went out and got a color tv for their room. Needless to say, the 3 of us kids had our places in the bedroom to watch with them. It was amazing. It sure helped prolong the life span of the old black and white set.
Dad still misses Mom after all these years. I know he can't wait to see her. I can feel her presence with me sometimes. I wish my son could have met her. My stepmother is good to him, but, well, its not the same. My mom was my mom. Very special, loved us all very much. All three of us felt that we were loved equally. Thats what a good mom does.
I hope when dad goes, he goes peacefully in his sleep, with a smile on his face, able to breathe at last. Seeing my Mom waiting for him on the other side.

This is my brain rambling when I can't sleep.
Good night, and God Bless.

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