Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Wanted: Dream interpretation

I awoke yesterday morning from a nightmare. It just came back while I was getting ready for school.

I was sitting in math class, and the instructor was showing us some stuff on the calculator on the overhead. (I never saw the teacher, but I could hear her, and see her hands and the calc on the screen.) She was telling us how important the X key was, and was telling us that this part was extremely important: You push the -1 key, then the X key to make the - disappear, and the 1 would disappear with it. You can't see its there, but its terribly important, and can make a big difference in every equation. I kept pushing buttons on my calculator, but it wasn't working. I was searching frantically for the X key, which looked like a Y7 key, and not an X at all, but thats what she called it. She kept going on about how important this was. My mind was working thinking what would happen if I am in the real world doing real things with my calculator, and I used that -1 key X key function by mistake??? Everything could be wrong. You can't check to see if its there, because if done correctly, it doesn't show up.

I finally got it to work. Once. I woke up in a sweat afraid to go back to sleep.

I have a couple of problems with this dream. One, I am not even IN a math class this semester. Two, does it mean I will have trouble in my other classes, or is it more related to daily life than to school? If anyone has any pearls of wisdom, I would appreciate it. There are tons of more questions running through my head, but thats enough for now.

God Bless


I wonder how much training these instructors get when they start doing an online class. Our instructor still isn't letting the board know that there is no pretest, or she may open it later. I emailed her about it, since I am a fanatic about getting my stuff done on time or early for my online courses. She emailed me back, but there are 9 posts of people looking for the pretest. I assumed when she had decided she would let the board know. I am afraid if I relate what she said to me in an email that she may change her mind and I will look like a busybody or something.

I emailed her the other day and asked how do we attach our name to our assignments. She answered "hmmmmmmmmmmm, good question. Of course put your name on it." I waited a couple of days, then asked her if she wanted us to put it in our filename before we submit it. She emailed back that it sounded like a good idea. She is leaving the country in a few days and will be gone for about 10 days. It would be nice if she would let everyone know whats going on.
Our first assignment isn't due till the 15th, but its very interesting so I have the first 2 done already.

I should be reading for my other class. Holy crap is that messed up. I can't even decipher what I am reading most of the time. Soooooo, I spend less time on something I should be spending more on, and more time on something thats not even due yet. Its going to be a great semester.

God Bless

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Insert title here

I can't think of one.

School is going ok. I have a ton of reading, but yesterday I couldn't comprehend what I was reading so I opted for Access homework instead. I think I am going to like that. I hope the instructor steps up to the plate soon. People on the board are asking questions and she isn't answering the board. I hope she didn't learn her online habits from the train wreck of an instructor I had last spring.

It's a no b'f weekend again, which is great. He had a big church thing this weekend. His church is one that is very ordered and organized. The church I grew up in wasn't. His church has like district managers and stuff, and that seems very foreign to me. He is thinking about quitting the church board, and I am dying to find out whats going on, but he hasn't said. He just said he should be able to stand behind the pastor 100%, and the pastor did something and he can't stand behind it. He won't tell me what "IT" is, so of course my curiosity is aroused. I honestly don't know how serious of an issue it is, because b'f has been known to get wound up over things that don't need to be wound up about, so I have no clue. (like treating me like I should go to rehab because I drink up to 4 wine coolers a year)

I guess I should go back to bed. I can't concentrate right now, so I need to get some sleep so I can read that boring 60 page chapter later. Why oh why can't someone write these books with more sense of humor and less geekspeak? Well, ok, so it IS for school, and schools probably wouldn't buy them. Its like trying to swallow the Sahara Desert, one bite at a time.

God Bless

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Day Two...

of classes. So far so good. I have sampled 3 out of 4 classes. I have reading due tomorrow from my very structured, very anal retentive network instructor. The terribly unstructured, easily confused instructor I had today doesn't care if we read the book or not, doesn't care if we show up or not, but informed us that it is in our best interest to do both. He gets sidetracked easily, and keeps asking where he was at. I think part of that is to see who is paying attention. I had my little voice recorder and am going to take down every word he says. I have heard horror stories about his class, and I know its going to be a challenge.

My online class is different. This instructor is using another instructors stuff, and she isn't sure how it all works. I am almost 100% sure this is the first online class she has taught. She lives close but I don't think I have ever met her, being the unsocial person that I am. Our first assignment isn't due till the middle of Sept, but I am going to try to do it Friday of this week, so I can get a jump on stuff. I will be getting bogged down later, and am going to try to put that off as long as possible.

Tomorrow night is my VB class. I am looking forward to it, but Molly is not. I told her she can sit by me as long as she doesn't bug me. LOL. I hope she doesn't take offense, but I do mean it. I will have to pay attention. I am hoping this instructor is going to be a lot better than the one from the Spring semester. She really sucked.

Time to get my reading done for tomorrow. God Bless.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


I bought some ribeyes to use on my new gas grill. I got enough for my parents, b'f, his son, and me. (G says he is vegetarian even though he won't eat vegetables.) I haven't had a good steak in forever, and b'f commented that he hasn't either. Its not often I can afford more than burgers for the grill so this was going to be a real treat.

I know people differ, and peoples taste differs. I sometimes wish I was vegetarian, but sometimes I just get the taste for a good old thick piece of steak. I got a steak rub, which I didn't use on mine cos I wanted it in its purest form. I didn't even use salt, and cooked it so it was a light pink in the middle. Perfection.

B'f fixed his plate in the kitchen, came into where we were eating, and I couldn't even see his steak but there was a giant pool of Hienz 57. WTF? Why would a person do that to a good cut of meat? He said it was very good, but how could he tell?

From now on, its hamburgers or tough cuts of meat. I paid almost $9 a lb for those. I guess I should have known better. I guess my old rule of not paying over $2 a lb should have sufficed. He probably would have enjoyed it just as well.

So, another lesson learned.

Friday, August 19, 2005

It's done.

The roof looks great. The porch looks great. It looks like a new house. Ok, almost. They were done at 11:30 on Wednesday morning. It is awesome! Now, the lady from the USDA office has to inspect it, then they can get paid. Lets hope that all goes well.

G had his first sleepover with a buddy Tuesday night. I will admit I was worried about him. He was only a few miles away, but still. He wasn't sure at first if he wanted to stay, but I told him to play for awhile and let me know if he wanted to stay or wanted to come home. He called about 8ish and said he had decided to stay. I talked to the kids mom and said if he wanted to call or come home or anything, just call. It didnt matter what time. I want him to have good experiences and not worry about being stuck somewhere he doesn't want to be. I slept with the phone next to me, just in case. I had told him to call me when he was ready to come home, and he called a little after 11. He had a good time, but said he didn't sleep well cos I wasn't there. He's so sweet. I'm just glad he had a good time, and it went pretty smoothly. He said it will never happen again, but I know he will change his mind. The only time he has spent the night away from home was when I had my hysterectomy, and then he came to visit both days I was gone. I know some of the ties need to be broken, but I want him to never doubt he has a safe place to land if he needs it.

He left for school this morning for his first (partial) day. His backpack must have weighed 50 lbs. Poor kid. Mine starts Monday, and Molly who is on super "worry about everything you can possibly think of because its all going to turn to shit if you don't worry about something" mode emailed me 3 times this morning. One of her instructors sent her a schedule at Molly's request, but Molly said she didn't get it and forwarded it to me. It was there, so I told her what she said, then she asked me how I got that information. Geesh. She sent me a second email and it was attached to their too. I told her she needs to check for attachments, and she would find it. This is the one that gets better grades than me. Cripes. What does that say about me?????

Time to go. Things to do, and I have to find something to worry about. (rolling eyes) Have a great day and God Bless.

Monday, August 15, 2005

On with the shopping....

I think I am about done with my "buy whatever you want, you deserve it!" time. Its been fun to splurge on some things. For instance, buying school clothes for my kid without counting items, but still finding good deals, buying things to help keep the house clean, like my new Swiffer wetjet. I love it, well, as much as a floor mopper can be loved anyway. Today I went to Radio Shack in our teeny tiny boring mall. I parked close to it so I wouldn't have to walk the mall and could get in and get out. I plan, my son laughs. Anyway, I got a voice recorder for my classes. I hope it turns out ok. I got a digital so I could upload it to my computer and keep the lectures. I was ready to go back to the car, but my dear sweet greedy child had other ideas. I decided to humor him and decided to walk the mall.

First stop, was the bookstore. I didn't dare go in. I can't read everything I already have in this lifetime I don't think. He is just as bad. They had sale tables out by the door and we looked at those, but resisted.

Next, was Elder Beermans. It used to be something else, and was something else before that. They are the only place around for about 4 counties that carry the perfume I used to buy myself as a treat. Since this was "bwyw,ydi" day, I went in. I came out with the biggest bottle they had, some of the super duper special silk creamy sample stuff that glitters on the back of my hand, and a gift bag cos I was just so damn special. LOL Actually, they were having a thing where you spend over a certain amount you get all this free crap they can't sell. :) It looks like good stuff, and I may have to use it with my sexy nighty and just feel good about me for awhile. A shame the foreman deal didn't work out. LOL

Next, we went to Bath and Body. I don't like very many of their scents, but thought I would just check and see if they had any that caught my eye. No luck. I have enough lotion to float a boat in anyway. I found a little massager that I can use on my legs maybe. I didn't think of it till I saw some of the others they had.

Finally, I convinced G that there was nothing more to see. And their wasn't. He has been treated the last few days till he doesn't appreciate anything, so I'm not going to waste a good shopping buzz on him.

After leaving local puny mall, we hit McD's for lunch, then Walmart. I found a gas grill, paid for it, and will pick it up tomorrow. I have always wanted one. I have to pick up books tomorrow for school so it will be a good time to get it. I had to ask Father dear to borrow his truck, so the first thing he said was "what did you buy????" If it was in the box it MIGHT have fit in my car, but since it was the display and all put together, it won't.

After that, I had to stop by the meat market. Holy smokes I dropped some cash in their pockets. I am not used to spending lots of money on meat. I bought a box of burgers, some butterfly chops, some ground chuck and (gulp) 5 12-13 oz ribeyes. I wanted to celebrate and try them on the new grill. B'f has his son this weekend, and I thought us and my parents could enjoy them.

I got my M$ Office 2003 today delivered by UPS. I needed Access 2003 for my online class. I got it at academic pricing, so that's a good thing. It was a lot cheaper. I haven't installed it yet. I need to install the old version I have first.

Its been a long and tiring day. I took a box to town to donate to Catholic Charities, but they had a sign posted that they aren't taking donations for awhile. There has been way too many. Now I have this giant Attends box in my trunk and need to find a home for it. I will try again next time I take the car out.

I am going to take a break. All this shopping and going over my purchases has just exhausted me. :) It rained all day so the guys didn't get to finish the roof. Hopefully tomorrow.

God Bless.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I guess its not love afterall

I am so weird. (but you knew that, right?) The foreman for the roofing job is a very nice guy. He looks me in the eye when he talks to me, he smiles, he seems interested in what I have to say. I thought maybe, just maybe, he might be interested. That is till day 4 when he called me by the wrong name. Not once, not twice, but about 5 times. It wasn't a bad name, it just wasn't mine.

Am I that starved for attention? I am too damn easy. I have known for a long time all it really takes is someone to seemingly care about my opinion, listen to me, pay attention to me and buddy, I am there! He could be a serial killer, but he was nice to me. I think a lot of women are like that.

I didn't really have a crush on him, just a few harmless fantasies. It was all good. It sure knocked me down a peg when he kept calling me by the wrong name though.

They should get done tomorrow. YAY! Its really looking nice outside. They even cleaned weeds out of the flower beds pretty well. This place is going to look like something after all. I got a new mop thing yesterday and I really like it. It makes it so easy to mop, so I don't have any excuse not to. I haven't told the plumber yet I got my money. I want the porch done first, then a few days break before other workmen are roaming around my house. I want some freakin sleep. I know that doesn't have a lot to do with my sleeping pattern, since I am up and down all night long, but if I can sleep in a few days before school starts, thats what I need to do. G starts Friday, and I start Monday. I was up for a couple of hours this morning at 1, then back to bed at 3, then up at 7. I wish I knew what caused this, and why I can't go back to sleep.

I think I will go back and take a morning nap. I don't have to worry about anyone walking around on the roof this morning.

God bless. Pray for desparate housewives (even single ones) everywhere.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

No b'f today

With the rising gas prices he can't afford to come over today. I understand. Sort of. I know he is overextended, and he said he needs to save his money for next weekend when his son comes over. It would be cheaper on him if he would keep groceries in the house instead of taking him out to eat at all hours of the day and night. (sometimes, if the kid gets hungry they will go out at 10 at night to a fast food place. I don't think thats a good thing, but he's not my kid) He doesn't keep anything to eat in the house hardly except for chips, popcorn, and peanut butter. He is a grown man, and I try to stay out of it. His worthless nephew got kicked out this week, but he let him come back. I know its probably none of my business but I told him he needs to make his nephew more responsible for his own upkeep. He should be helping with the utilities, groceries, (so they could buy some!) and laundry. The kid is 21, parties all the time, and works part time at a bowling alley so he can have blow money. He isn't doing him any favors by letting him mouch. If the guy was actually trying to save up or something, that would be a lot different.

I went and picked up my money yesterday. Two checks. I only deposited the small one till the roof is done, and it looks like that will be Monday. The roof is basically finished, just the porch roof needs built. It might be Tuesday till completion, but its awful close. The house looks great.
Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to nearby large city and got school clothes, supplies, and I got a nice outfit to wear to the scholarship reception in September. Of course, I got a few other things, like a couple of more shirts, pants, sexy nighty, floor protector for my computer chair, NIC for the kids computer, and took us all out to Red Lobster. One of G's little friends went with us, and that was a new experience. My friend Molly went, and she kept trying to buy him stuff. She can't figure out why they don't have any money, and are in debt. She didn't want to take no for an answer. She bought him and G both a pkg of boxer shorts, and gave them $2 each for Toys R Us. His bud already had $3, so she thought they could get something for $5. I subsidized the remainder of the toys, since they couldn't find anything worthy at $5. G got a hotwheels Cyborg dealio and R got a Dragon Ballz thing. So he went home with a doggy bag from RL, boxers, and a toy. His mom has been having a rough time with her live in, so needed to get rid of a kid for the day. When we took him home, I could smell the beer on her breath, and she was upset with the bf. She said he kept calling all day to see if she was still there. She is trying to find a way to get out but promised her son she wouldn't make him change schools. I think you have to do what is best for the family, whether you have to change schools or not. He is a real good kid, and they had a blast riding bikes and stuff up and down the aisles of TRU. I got G a couple of gamecube games for Christmas or birthday.

It was a good but exhausting day. After I got my sexy nighty, my friend decided she wanted one too, just like it. She is such a wannabe. LOL. I told her we could have a threesome with her hubby and she burst out laughing. I said he wouldn't be able to tell us apart. LOL. I talked to her last night, and she said he was too tired, but that was fine with me cos I would just lay there. I was beat up after all the shopping and listening to two boys jabber ALL DAY LONG. They had a real good time though.
We have a few extras to pick up today for school, backpack, shoes, a few more shirts, and he will be all set.

I have ridden 2 miles this morning, working on drinking my water and my milk, and eating veggies for breakfast. I want to really start doing what I am supposed to be doing every day. I am tired of being tired. My knee is still killing me. I am tired of being a fat bitch. I either need a shower or a nap right now to feel better and quit being so critical of myself. Time to go.

God Bless.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Tomorrow is the day....

My money can be picked up. I hope it doesn't mess up my roof deal, but I was told it won't. We are going school clothes and school supply shopping. I am excited, but the kid has no idea. He thinks its like a regular paycheck, and I don't know if I want him to know any different. He will probably ask for everything under the sun, and I am going to act like I didn't get a bunch of money in my lap. I owe quite a bit of money, and this will make a big dent in it, and I hope to get the house paid off. I don't ever want to have to worry about a place to live ever again. One of the worst feelings in the world to me was when I had no place to call my own, and felt like an interloper.

The roof is coming along nicely. They have almost all the shingles on. They got the shed done today, and it looks great. I have to finish painting the trim yet, but it should look like a new one when its all done. They should be done with the porch roof and the rest of the shingling by Tuesday I hope. They are calling for a chance of rain every day, but they have threatened that before. This really put a kink in my 2 week vacation. I am glad its getting done though. Its looking great. The guys seem really nice and they work very very hard.

God bless.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


I can't think of a title today. I am very tired, but its worth it. Yesterday I got up at 4:30 am and colored my hair, and got dressed before the roofers arrived at 6. I thought I would take a nap after they left, but I felt like they never left at all. They were here over 13 hours yesterday, and got a lot accomplished. This morning I was having trouble sleeping (again) and got up at 3. Back to bed at 4. Woke up at 6:30 to the sound of footsteps over head and roof ripping off.

I have been taking pictures every day, usually after they leave. I had to go out yesterday while they were here because part of the original house was exposed, but going to be covered. When I bought this house, they said it was built around 1932. When I paid my property taxes I stopped at another office and got a paper from one of the offices about my property. It said that my house was built in 1890. I was talking to the head guy yesterday, and he said the original part is around 1890, because of the square nails and the oak. They peeled off 4 layers of roof. Black on top, then blue, then green, then wooden shingles underneath. The boards on the roof are oak, and he said the way they are cut looks like they probably brought a sawmill out here and cut them as they went. Very interesting I thought. I had to get some pictures of the old oak, since I hope to never see it again in my life time. I think I heard my house sigh in relief as they took some of that weight off of her. They have one dumpster almost completely full, and still have the front of the house to go. I don't know how much longer its going to take, but not long at the rate they are going. Its interesting to watch.

God bless.

Monday, August 08, 2005


and I got both A's. :) (can you tell I am excited?) It brought my GPA back up to an acceptable level considering the debacle of last semester. I just got done doing my happy dance. YAY! I done good.

The roofers started today. The roofing supplies will be here tomorrow so they started the tear off today. My front porch is completely gone. Just the concrete slab and a door on the upstairs in the middle of the front of the house. It looks different, thats for sure. I don't know how many days they are going to work on it, but they sure tore off a chunk today. They waited on the dumpster for awhile, then told me they would be here about daybreak tomorrow. Dumpster man came about 15 minutes after they left. He started to leave it IN THE FRONT YARD! I had him move it to the back of the house where the guys wanted it anyway. Its unsightly enough without that. It will be great to get that done, but no sleeping in for me for the next week or so, thats for sure. G starts school on the 19th, so that will be the end of any sleeping in I can do anyway. Weekends will have to do.

I need to go get some milk. The dr. told me to drink 3 glasses of milk every day. We sure go through it fast now.

Take care, and God Bless.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

My perfect aunt...

Some background on my "banana salad aunt." She was the youngest child of a poor, hard working family. She was the beautiful spoiled baby who had 5 older brothers and sisters. She grew up knowing she was the prettiest, and most adored of the family. Her mother expected a lot out of her, as she did all the kids, because her mother was not a homemaker. From the time her children could take orders, that got her out of more and more housework. One of her children remembers standing on a chair to do ironing, and being locked out of the house as a group during the day so mother could take a nap. Mother was an avid reader, and still is to this day. I believe her goal is to read every harlequin ever published, and thats probably about 20 a month, so she is definitely working toward her goal.

Anyway, my favored aunt decided that this work ethic ingrained in her siblings wasn't for her. She took off to hills far away, and being the cherished spoiled person she was, came back dejected, pregnant, and alone except for the babe inside of her. Her mother was livid, called her a tramp, but let her move back in the family home. All the others were gone by now. It was just the 3, soon to be 4 of them. I remember as a child going over early in the morning and my beautiful aunt would be sleeping on the floor in the living room with her baby daughter. My aunt always had perfect hair, and someone would bobby pin a kleenex in the back of her hair to keep part of it from getting ratted, I think. Life wasn't easy for my perfect aunt. She lived with another aunt of mine for awhile, but ran up a bunch of bills they couldn't afford to pay. My beautiful perfect aunt needed someone to take care of her. She would hang out at a certain bar most nights, looking for the perfect man so they could be a perfect family. She fell in love with the bar owners son. To me, he looked like a Vegas gambler with the open shirt and hairy chest. Not as much bling in those days, but I remember this rock he used to wear. I don't ever remember seeing another man with a ring as big and shiny as this one. They were married.

My mother loved her sister dearly. She was so helpless, and relied so much on family. When her and Mr. Vegas started having trouble, we saw a lot more of her. I could tell my mother was worried and concerned for her. She would talk to my dad and didn't think we were listening. My new Vegas uncle felt the need to beat on my perfect aunt. Goodness knows, she wasn't the best person, but she tried being the perfect wife. He didn't like her family, because they knew things no one was supposed to know. I don't remember how long they were married, or when they divorced, but from then on she would rarely ever say his name. He was always referred to as "whats his name" after that. ("I ran into old whats his name the other day" etc.) I never saw him again, but she said he was still around.

I don't know how long it was before my perfect aunt remarried. He was much older than her. He used to talk about how he was a boss here, part owner in a company there, worked everywhere, knew everything, and had been all over the world. He was writing a book about his experience in the service, but for now was between jobs. There was all the drama with the exwife, even though they had been divorced for a very long time. I don't know the particulars, but I know his sons wouldn't have anything to do with him. His daughter acknowledged him, but that was about it. I think he pretty much deserted them, and since he seemed to always "be between jobs" I am sure they didn't get any support from him.

During this time my mother passed away. My aunt had loved her the best out of her siblings, and it was terribly hard on her. My mother was a great person. Honestly.

My aunt got a job as a secretary at the local Jr. College. She got to dress up, and pretend to be perfect once again. She was definitely a perfectionist, and exceedingly anal about it. (Must be a family thing)
Her and husband #2 never seemed to get along well. He would sit home and wait for her paychecks. They took in a foster child. It was someones daughter that they were friends with or something. She was a teenager, and had trouble at home, so they took her in. My aunt had developed kidney disease around this time. She ended up with a transplant, and they about lost their home and everything since she was the sole support of the family. She went back to work way too soon after the transplant because everyone depended on her so much. Her husband had no luck finding a job, since he had been in supervisory positions previously and wasn't about to take anything beneath his station.

She stayed very ill for a very long time. She came home early one day and found him in bed with the foster daughter. Of course, they waited till she was 18 to consumate the relationship. I am not sure what happened next, but they promised to stop, and my aunt tolerated it. I know they had rocky times, but she kept the relationship. I don't know why. I don't think she thought she deserved any better. She had pretty much given up on the perfect life, in her own life, but still pretended to be the perfect person with the perfect husband and the perfect family.

She lost her job at the jr. college, and started doing homecare for a lady that lived in her town. This lady was wealthy, and lived the kind of life my aunt assumed had been meant for her. The lady had many strokes, and people all over knew her. She would get some special treatment at her bank, country club, etc, whereever she went, partially because of her health, and who she was. My aunt assumed that even when she wasn't with her, that she should get the same special treatment, and on these times when I was with her I would feel bad for her. She would almost sputter and spit at the insolence of some people making her do things the way most normal people had to do things. Apparently they didn't show her the proper respect.

Time had passed. She was fired from caregiving after a few years, because of the woman's daughter. Her mother loved and cared for my aunt. They were like kindred spirits, and her daughter didn't like that. They had been a very cold and wealthy family. Her mother had started to laugh, and want to go places and do things. This was not with her daughters plans, so my aunt was fired. They still talked on the phone from time to time, and it hurt them both, but it was the way it was.

She got desperately ill again. Her kidney she had for 11 years was failing. Her husband passed away. They used to fight and bicker all the time. She was devastated. She was in and out of the hospital. They wouldn't put her on the list for a kidney since she was a smoker. She quit smoking. Very suprising. She had been a dedicated smoker for years. But she quit. She had to go in for surgery on her throat, and they ended up taking out her voice box. She was in a local nursing home and I went to visit a few times. My son didn't like to go, since she couldn't talk and it kind of freaked him out. I loved my aunt. Even with her "perfect" flaws, she was my moms beloved baby sister.

She ended up going into a nursing home upstate to be near the hospital that had done her previous transplant. She was having all kinds of problems. I didn't visit her while she was there, as transportation is a big worry driving that distance in an old car. They misplaced my perfects aunts teeth, and would she have known for sure what was going on, it would have hastened her death. No one EVER saw her without her teeth. Now she had no teeth to show. She was moved to a hospital in the big city. Reports weren't well. She had developed a skin eating thing, and they were trying to get it under control.

I made the trip. It was so hard to see her like that. She was asleep when I walked in the room. It was a Saturday morning, and my son was with my sister for the day. I asked the nurse where she was, and there were all these signs on the door to her room. I told the nurse I had never been there, and she said just go on in. I started in, and she yelled at me to put a gown and gloves on. I walked in the room, and my perfect aunt lay in the bed, a smaller, emaciated piece of her former self. Gone were the sultry eyes, perfect hair, award winning smile with the most beautiful dimples you have ever seen. I sat with her, held her hand while she slept. I talked to her without words, because words were too hard to voice. She heard me, I know she did. She woke up, looked at me, and motioned for a drink. I took off my glove, gave her a drink and rubbed her hand. I loved my aunt so and it was so terribly hard to see her this way. I came back and reported to one of my other aunts that she wouldn't have long. She died 2 days after my visit.

My cousin gave me a bookshelf her mother wanted me to have, and the beloved banana salad bowl. She was very anal about everything she did, and I know she was here this morning as I mixed the banana salad. I could feel her over my shoulder telling me what I was doing wrong. "Its all about appearance, my dear." I know I didn't layer everything to suit her. I used instant pudding when everyone knows that cooked is the best. I even used sugar free pudding, and I swear I could feel the look of disbelief she gave me. I loved my aunt. Still do. I don't care about appearance. I care about whats on the inside. My aunt had a good heart. She had a good soul. She thought she deserved better than she got. I think she did too, but she didn't believe it enough, and settled because it was all in the appearance of a perfect life.

I miss her. God bless.

School is out....

for 2 whole weeks. My final final is, ummmmmmmmm, final. :) I got an A in speech and I will find out the one for survey tomorrow. I was teetering between an A and B, so we'll see. It feels great not to have to do homework, but I have a great fear for fall classes. They are going to be a bitch.

Yesterday we went to b'f's town for the day. We played pool, putt putt, went to see Sky High, back to pool, and out for chinese food. We got back to the homestead at 11:30. I made a cake for the reunion yesterday morning before we left, and am getting ready to make the infamous banana salad for today. I don't like reunions, but am tired of the phone slamming in my ear from my grandmother when I don't go. She won't be around much longer, so I might as well go.

I have been having sort of a celebratory precelebration about the money thing. When I go shopping now, its more in looking at possibilities instead of "wish I coulds". I know a lot of the wish I coulds are "not gonna be's" but thats ok. I can window shop and not spend a dime, or I can buy that Zoo Tycoon game that I have been wanting ever since a friend loaned me hers as a trial. Well, ok, so I jumped the gun and went ahead and got it. :) Its a great learning experience for G, what different animals live like, what they like to eat, play with, etc. When I get it down pat, I may even let him play it. (she says sheepishly). It really is a lot of fun, and I am learning some things. I learned that polar bears and penguins both get pissed if you put them in together. LOL. Who would have thunk it? I thought the worst that would happen is the penguins would be lunch, but they both just got pissed.

I better work on the banana salad. I have a tradition to uphold. God Bless, and be kind to animals.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Life is good....

Today was an exceptionally busy day. Its not over yet, its just break time. First thing, I took munchkin with me to school for one of my finals. The instructor said it would only take about 20 minutes, so I asked if I could bring him, since that is the only reason I am going to that town that day. He granted me permission, and he was very well behaved. Quiet, fascinated, and busy. He was shocked that every computer in the room could get online at one time, and that it was as fast as it was. Poor kid. I think he though what we have here at home is the best there is to offer. Anyway, that done, I took my books back, and stopped off at financial aid. My Pell grant was cut drastically and I thought since I had the time I would check on it. They had part of my rollover counted as money I recieved, so all I have to do is take proof tomorrow that I rolled it over and I get the rest of my grant money back. YAY! (It went from $1850 to $500. It should go back up to $1850 I hope.)

Next, we went to home depot and I got the new toilet for my new bathroom. It will be easier on the plumber, (and on us) so that way we can still use the old bathroom till the new one is completed. I have never been so excited about a toilet in my life, but when the bathroom finally gets done, it means I can take bubble baths again. We have been in this house for 5 years with only a shower stall, and I want candles, music, bubbles, and a glass of wine. Just leave me alone for a day or two, then drag my wrinkly shriveled up body out of the tub. :) I am sooooo excited.

Next, we met some of the girls I used to work with for lunch. One of them reminded me that she owed me lunch for helping her with her computer. (it was just a screen resolution thing, but real important to her.) She wouldn't take no for an answer, and even paid for G's lunch too. We had a good visit.

Then, a planned stop at a friends house. She said she gets a lot of produce and asked if I could use some. She gave me 4 bags of salad, 8 heads of cauliflower, and 2 CASES of bananas. Needless to say, my stepmother now has more bananas and cauliflower than she had this morning. My aunt is getting some as well, and my friend I am meeting in another town in about 30 minutes is getting some bananas too. We have a family reunion coming up, and my mom always used to make the banana salad. After she passed away my aunt took up the banana salad gauntlet. When she passed away, my cousin passed the gauntlent, (the super special banana salad bowl) on to me, so it looks like I already have the main ingredient.

We got home, and checked the mail. Two letters from my attorney. I opened up the lightest one first. MY MONEY IS HERE!!!!!!! He keeps it for 10 days to make sure the check clears, so I get it next Friday. :)))))) Can my day get any better. I am so thrilled. I have big plans. First, I can pay some extra on my credit card bill to pay for the above mentioned toilet. LOL I need to get going and meet my friend, but I had to share. I want to party party party party party party party. :)))) I don't need alcohol or drugs to party. Just a mall. :) (with fat lady clothes. :) )

I may post more later tonight. I would say its a sure bet I won't be able to sleep tonight. Oh, I got my new modem from dell today, and I am back in business on MY computer. :) This is almost as good as sex. :)

God Bless.