Saturday, October 29, 2005
I have never seen so many gifts. It took 2 solid hours of opening to get them all unwrapped. She got doubles of a lot of things, but luckily, I must have chose wisely, as nothing there resembled mine. Registries online are wonderful things.
My son has been watching the Blues Brothers a lot. I love the movie, and he does too. There are a few places I would rather him not notice, but he does. He knows when they say a bad word, he points it out to me. Within the first 5 minutes, they mention condoms. Sealed, and soiled. We got home, and were getting out of my stepmothers car, when he said he had a question. He said, "what does soiled mean?" I knew what he was getting at, so tried to fend him off, but he kept going. "On the Blue's brothers they talk about soiled........" I blurted out "NOT CLEAN" and my stepmother agreed. I was so afraid he would say the condom word. I don't want to have to explain sex to him yet,and therefore he would have a lot more questions about condoms. He doesn't even like girls yet.
I don't know when I need to talk to him about this. I don't think he is ready yet. He knows it takes 2 people to make a baby, but thats as far as he knows. I don't know if I am too protective, or just a lousy mom. :( Any suggestions?
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Thanks for praying.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
He is in very poor health. He has heart problems, which is the main thing going on right now. He is diabetic. He has pulminary fibrosis, which is getting worse. He has had angioplasties, a quintuple bypass, and numerous other things done. He is tired. Somedays he wants to give up. I understand. He is ready to go. Or so I thought. He is having a pace maker put in tomorrow. I know he is doing it because my stepmother wants him to.
He had another episode about 1 am. Please pray that God's will be done. I don't want him to die, but I understand. It's so hard to see him in pain and deteriorating. He can be cantakerous, argumentitive, and downright hard to get along with. He is also the funniest man I know. We have had lots of ups and downs, to put it mildly. They had talked it over when they found out I was pregnant with G and decided that I should give him up for adoption. That really about did in our relationship for good. We made it through it, even though it was a long hard road.
I love my dad. Please pray that God's will be done.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
He got $20 for his birthday. I let him spend it yesterday as he saw fit. He spent it all on the aquarium. He now has a skeleton in the water with his head bobbing up and down with air bubbles. It was something he really wanted, so now its his. There are other things he is wanting for it, so I told him he is going to have to earn it. He has a responsibility chart now that we just got about a week ago but never put up. He put it up yesterday and have been marking it up ever since. Today, besides going to church and his school sing program, he:
- took out trash
- replaced trash bag
- brushed teeth
- said please and thank you for meals
- actually ate his meals
- DID DISHES!!!!
- cleaned up his room
- made his bed
- sorted through some of his tapes and sold his excess to the neighbor for her grandkids. :)
We just lost one of the fish. :( We lost the only "gold" goldfish. (he has a white one, and two black and gold). We gave it a burial at sea, and he was sniffling. He has been overfeeding, so I think they are pooping too much. I told him not to be surprised if we lose others, and to slow down on the feeding. I know they always look hungry, but they will be ok.
God Bless, and thank God for responsibility charts. :)
I have always like classical music. Beethoven, Mozart, Wagner, Vivaldi, the classics. When we were in the 6th grade we had a reading assignment to read as many quality books as we could. I got into biographies, and one of the first was of Beethoven. I read various ones, and that was the beginning of my love of the music. I didn't realize that I could come off as odd with this enjoyment, and when it dawned on me that others didn't feel this way, I became a secret listener.
I started experimentation with plants as a young adult. Oh sure, I started slow. First was peppermint, then spearmint, lemon balm, orange mint, and a few others. Thus started my herbal tea garden. My dad came over one day after I had moved out on my own. I was listening to my Beethoven albums, and offered him a cup of herbal tea. He just shook his head, and asked me whose child I was. He said I didn't learn any of that living in his house. I took it as a compliment. I didn't learn much in his house, except how to fight with siblings and survive among step siblings. I learned how fine upstanding Christians can be so hypocritical behind the churches back, and learned what incest was all about. I was glad I was capable of gleaning other things out of life than what I was surrounded with.
My music collection is a bit outdated now. I don't care for most of the music of today. I am stuck back in my happy times. I have a good sized collection of classical, contemporary gospel (as contemporary as 9 years ago) oldies, sprinkled with all of Unkle Kracker, Kenny G, Cheap Trick, Journey, etc. (I guess those would fall under oldies to some. LOL)
I am afraid I am corrupting my son. B'f was over last night and we watched Sleepless in Seattle. He had never seen it, and I love it and was wanting to watch it again. G didn't want to watch it, and didn't keep it a secret. He was in a mood last night and talked all evening long. ALL EVENING LONG. He finally settled in to the movie. I don't know if anyone remembers the soundtrack, but its pretty enjoyable for me. Of course, I am a 46 year old woman. I noticed my son started singing. He knew the words to most of the songs. I don't know how a lot of that happened. Granted, one of the songs he learned from the Blues Brothers. He loves them as much as I do. He was even telling someone the other day that he really likes the Blues now that he knows what it is. :)
With his knowledge, and not knowing that people around here don't usually talk of such things, is he going to be considered weird like I felt all my life? Or just well rounded? I will never stop teaching him the things that will help his mind to grow. I don't want him to hide his knowledge like I did. He is truly an amazing individual. He still loves him mom, and doesn't seem embarrassed by me, yet. I imagine the day will come. But I will come home, pop in The Blues Brothers movie, and remember happier times.
Friday, October 21, 2005
I should just go to bed now, but I doubt if I will sleep. I haven't been feeling well, and now my face feels hot. I haven't hardly eaten anything, and I haven't had hardly any caffiene, and my head is pounding. I took some more meds, and drank some caffiene, so I will see if that helps.
One of the girls I used to work with called me the other day and invited me to church. Its close to home, and G goes to school with some of the kids that go there. I have thought about going before, but the thought of not getting dressed till noon and sleeping in as long as possible have been too tempting. I told her I was going to call her and ask if I could go with her sometime, so it was an answer to a prayer. (probably my parents or my b'f's. LOL) I didn't even mention it to b'f. I know he will be thrilled so I should, but I am being a bitch about it I think. He will gloat, and offer to come here and go with me so he can check it out and make sure it is a good church and not some satan worshipping thing.
G had a great real birthday. I took him to class with me and he got to play on www.cartoonnetwork.com for the duration. I was glad I got to spend some time with him. He didn't use his dvd player he took with him, so we still had battery power left for the drive home. He had taken a cd to listen to as well, so we got to jam to some Big Band Swing for the 45 minute drive. A good time was had. I just can't believe he has been in my life for 9 years. In my dreams I never saw him this old, and was afraid I would lose him before now. I still think that sometimes when he gets on the bus, wondering if I will ever see him again. I think it will always be this way, till one day he won't come home.
God Bless, and hug your family and friends tight.
Monday, October 17, 2005
We came back to the house for ice cream cake from DQ. A good time was had by all. I took them home around 5, which made G mad. He wanted them to all stay the night. We had been invited to a neighbors cookout and Halloween party down the road, so I wanted to drop in there later. I have lived in this town for 9 years and don't know many. Being an extremely small town, I should know everyone by now. I am too much of a hermit so I thought it would be a good idea to go. Its my plumber and his family. We walked over about 7:30 and they had a bonfire going. It was a full moon, and the sky was really bright. B'f thought we should travel with flashlights since we were walking about 100 feet in the dark. Sometimes he makes me feel soooo old. We introduced ourselves, and his daughter took us around and showed us where the kids were all playing. I didn't realize till we got back that I didn't tell my b'f they were Mormons. I asked how he could tell, and he said he saw a giant "Book of Mormon" on the table when we went in the house. Well, yeah, that would do it. He, being the authority on all thing religious, looked at me like I took him to a sex show or something. I think he thinks since I don't go to church, I am therefore ungodly, and am trying to lead him astray by mixing with people outside of his religion. (insert giant eyeroll here)
We were chatting on yahoo last night, and he told me that he got some bad news, but he didn't want to spoil the party. He is getting his wages garnished for a debt he was taken to court for 2 years ago. They told him he had to pay a certain amount a week, but he was "hoping to work out a deal" so all this time he hasn't been paying. So now, its going to take a chunk of cash out of his check every week. I thought all this time he had been getting it paid down. He said he found out Thursday. I told him I knew something was bothering him but wasn't sure what. Thats when he said he saw the wine coolers in the fridge again, and that made his mood worse. I told him how they had been in there for 6 months. I don't think he believes me. I don't care. I keep thinking some evening I will have one to relax with, and then I forget. Booze lasts me a very long time. LOL
B'f said he probably won't be able to come over as much since this garnish thing. With the gas prices, and winter coming, its going to be tough for him. I wish I could help him out, but he won't help himself. He waits for someone to bail him out, and its not going to be me. He knows what he should have been doing all along, and it was his choice not to. I am hoping this is about the end of the relationship. Maybe the wine coolers will put him over the edge. I didn't do that on purpose, I just don't think there is anything wrong with it, as long as its not to excess. I don't think 6 wine coolers in about a years time is excessive.
I need to get ready for school.
God Bless. Even people of religions other than my own.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
My friend Molly has a bad depression problem. She worries constantly, and if she can’t find something specific to worry about, she makes up stuff. No kidding. She has perfected worrying as a new art form. I don’t know what I can do to help her, but she seems to be addicted to it.
We found out we were getting laid off a year before it happened. They kept having meetings with all the “associates” to let us know what was going on, what options we had, etc. I started taking night classes to get myself prepared. (usually prepared is not how I see myself, but if I am forced into something, I can usually deal with it)
I don’t think I am a strong person. I have found if you bend in circumstances, that you won’t break, so I try to be flexible. Not so for my friend. She worried the whole time about what she was going to do, but that was all she did. Worry. She kept saying “what if…. What if….. what if……” She is going to what if… herself to death I am afraid. She made no plans, started school a semester behind when she should have, and now won’t have the funding to finish out her degree.
I have tried to help her relax, talking to her about calming down. I have tried to talk to her about talking to a counselor. She cries a lot. She doesn’t think anyone knows. She has such a stigma about counselors that she is afraid people will think she is crazy if she goes to one. Personally, I think she is crazy for NOT going. I need to go to counseling too, and I talked to her about it, in my case. She said “I don’t think anyone will think you are a bad person for going to counseling” with “that” tone, meaning, “People are going to think you are nuts if they find out you are going.” You know what, I told her I don’t CARE what people think, as long as it helps. She is of the old school on that.
She failed a test miserably. It brought her average for the class from an A to a D. One test. I thought she had made a mistake on figuring it out, till she told me she got a 32 on the test. She said she just froze and couldn’t do it. I told her she worries too much about it, and that causes her to freeze. I can’t talk to her like I want to, because she gets her feelings hurt so easily. She said I really hurt her feelings when I tell her she worries too much, and that makes her even more depressed. I told her worrying and depression go hand in hand a lot of times. She said she doesn’t have a problem with worrying, so how can I help her if she doesn’t even know she has a problem?
She used to be such a fun person, but she has no joy. No glimmer in the eye like she used to, and I miss that. I know life is hard, and times are tough right now. The future is uncertain, but we just keep going. That’s all we can do. I wish I had the answers…..
Sunday, October 09, 2005
We are on a Blues Brothers kick right now. We talked about it yesterday for some reason, and went to Walmart last night and found the movie on DVD. I bet I have seen it 30 times since it came out. My son has watched it at least 3 times since 11:00 pm last night. He likes it real well, needless to say. I would like to get Blues Brothers 2000, although not as good as the first, but I really like it. I think it was great the way they didn't just gloss over the missing Jake, or just put someone else in his place. There is no other Jake Blues, nor will there every be. I am a Belushi fan, whether it be John or Jim. He is missed.
I need to try to get to work again. I have too much homework to be here.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Anyway, we agreed to meet solely for a booty call. My friend that introduced us didn't know, nor did any of my friends except for one or two. I thought I should tell someone just in case he turned out to be a freak or something. My son was to spend the night with a friend for the very first time in his life.
He showed up promptly, within 1/2 hour of meeting for the first time face to face we got down to business. I had to take charge a bit cos I don't think he thought I would really go through with it. Geeeesh. Do all men think they corner the market on just wanting sex for the sake of sex?
It was great. The sex could have been better, but it was the freedom of not caring if you impressed anyone, just good raw fun. He wasn't a good kisser, but made up for it in other ways. :) It was a great evening. We had just ventured upstairs after hours of downstairs play, and the phone rang. 11:30 at night and my son couldn't sleep. I had to cut the night short, and go pick up my kid. :(
I talked to the guy later, and he told me how great of a time he had, and would like to do it again, but I was dangerous. (still being fertile and all.) I told him I was trying to get surgery to fix that situation, and he said if I decided to do it, he would pay half of my out of pocket expenses. I thought that would be cool, and pretty unexpected for only a one nighter so far. I met b'f shortly thereafter and told Mr. Booty Call that I couldn't see him any more. Even if I didn't have sex with b'f, I didn't feel right.
He goes to the same school I do. I have ran into him a few times, but he didn't recognize me. He smiled and was polite, but I could see the look like "I know her from somewhere, but where?" I just smiled and said hi back, and would keep going. I get emails from him time to time, not personal ones usually, just ideas and thoughts he sends out to people he knows. I emailed him back once and mentioned seeing him. He said he was sorry he didn't see me. I didn't tell him which one I was. LOL. I guess I look different with clothes on. LOL.
I saw him again the other day. He must have put two and two together because he saw me, turned and made a beeline my way. We chatted for a few minutes, and we both left with a goofy smile. The kind that says, "yeah, I did them, and fun was had by all." It was nice to be acknowledged. And fun was had by all.
God bless. (I have asked forgiveness, so its ok. I can still appreciate the event.) ;)
I cleaned and cleaned on the house yesterday. The clutter is really getting to me. I can't wait to get my new storage room after the bathroom gets done. The plumber is on vacation this week but should be back Tuesday night. I usually start cleaning in the kitchen, which is where my office is (it sounds wierd, but its a huge kitchen) and I barely make it past that. This time, I started in the new bathroom, laundry room, and living room. If I need a clutter free break I just go there, inhale deeply, realize it is possible, and come back to my clutter. The storage room will help so much. I need someplace besides the kitchen to keep all school supplies and the filing cabinet.
I have my new Elvis tin picture things in my new bathroom for now. I don't know where I am going to put them, but probably in my room. I am working on the rooms up there too so when they get done with tearing the wall out and putting it back up we will be ready. It will be great when it is done.
School is going ok. I have an Access test to take anytime in the next few days. I have a lot of reading to do Monday, and need to reread some stuff for Tuesday. Thats the class I am having so much trouble in. I have quite a bit I can do before class Wednesday night, and then I have another Access assignment due Thursday. I guess I had better get crackin.
Yall have a wonderful day, and God Bless.
We are getting a touch of fall, it feels crisp, and clean. I love it.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Its a pretty amazing window to the world.
I'm just glad she is ok. Say a prayer for her friend thats having a tough road right now.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
A few months ago I got a new answering machine. I really like it. When the phone rings, the answering machine gives you the phone number out loud. I think that is pretty cool. That way I know if its for me or the kid before I get there. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, the phone won't ring, but the answering machine will go off, no phone number, and then goes BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP about 10 times, and then shuts off. Sometimes it wakes me up, and sometimes it doesn't. I think the outlet its in is bad, since I had trouble with a touch lamp I had in the same plug, so I attribute it a lot to location. Plus, all the phone lines in the house need reran, so I wasn't concerned about that. (too much)
Now, I got a wireless doorbell a couple of weeks ago. I love it. I hated not knowing when people would come to the door. There are 3 doors and a room between the living part of the house and the back door, and I would have to just keep listening if I was expecting someone that would use the back door. This is much better. Anyway, about two days after I got it hooked up, I was having trouble sleeping, which is normal for me. I got up about 2:30 and was playing a few games of solitare and running through email when the front doorbell goes off. Scared the crap out of me. I jumped up, ran into the living room, and turned on the porch light to see what the killer probably brandishing an ax looked like ringing my doorbell at 2:45 am. Needless to say, there was no one there. It sure got my heart racing though. A few nights later, the back doorbell went off in the middle of the night. It was about 4 am. I am trying to find a pattern, but can't. It goes off about every 2-4 days. It has dip switches on it I can change so maybe there won't be interference from cell phones or garage door openers, or aliens. I hate to have to get the ladder out to get it changed, but it really freaks me out.
Now you know what a chicken I am, and how my mind works. I am not going to say the H word or the G word, but it has crossed my mind. It didn't really cross my mind till this morning when I was getting ready to write about it.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
We were going to go play pool. I told him I would drive so we could leave from there. I have mega homework this weekend and honestly shouldn't have went ANYWHERE this weekend. My kid would have been majorly pissed though, and I need to get him out more. He is a social whore and I have no right to make him stay home all the time just because I want to. So we went. We couldn't shoot any pool (that place is closed more often than its open. I am surprised they can even stay in business.) Anyway, we opted to go to the local pizza eatery. While we were eating, G said that we have to make sure that whoever I marry has to like pizza. I just ignored it, for lack of anything better to say. I thought I would hear about it later, and I did.
We left right after dinner, and G was extremely mad at me. He wanted to leave like at midnight, but I have been drained. I know a lot of it is the stress from classes. I am exhausted most of the time right now, and the weight thing isn't going well. Somedays I feel too tired to breathe.
I messaged b'f as soon as we got home, and he was like "oh, you're home. I thought you had a big date." I said I did, with my homework book. Then after that it was going to be my next book, then it was going to be my next book. I am "booked up." He said that since G said that about whoever I marry means there is other options. There is, but not what he is thinking. He thinks its another man, but the options I see are to get married, or not. I choose NOT. I told him I don't know where we are going, but when G keeps telling me to get married, I have to tell him something, so I told him I don't know if its ever going to happen. Thats the truth. Well, actually, unless I go in a coma and he marries me while I am unconscious, I KNOW its not going to happen. I really don't want to hurt him, and I don't know if its just my mindset, but he is getting more and more pathetic. He keeps wanting me to feel sorry for him I think. If you don't like what is happening, CHANGE IT. Instead, he just keeps accepting everything, and giving up. DO SOMETHING. Even if its the wrong thing, at least it will be an effort. Don't just SIT THERE, saying poor poor me. I know we all go through that from time to time. I am the queen of that. But I am trying to change. I get off my ass and go to school every day. I wish that could be so different. I like school, but its very hard for me. I like learning better on my own pace. But at least I AM DOING IT.
Ok, I am going to get off my ass and go Gazelle. If this ass gets any bigger I may not be able to get off of it.
God Bless and DO something today.