Tuesday, December 28, 2004

It's been a few days...

Christmas is over, and I am relieved. I almost hate to see the New Year get here though because I don't know what it holds. The money thing is really getting me down. When I got that thing from the credit card company it really brought me down. I am so embarrased I won't even tell anyone how much I owe. My sister thinks if I get that settlement about my carpal tunnel I can pay it off after I pay the house off. It won't even touch it. :( I took back one of the games I bought my son for Christmas that didn't have the game in the box, so thats $10 credit back to the card. Every little bit helps. I have to call tomorrow to get a check but it probably won't be here till Monday or so. It will be great when I can get my tax return back and my grant money left over from school. That will help a lot. When we went to Walmart today my son was disappointed cos he didn't get a toy. Holy cow. Christmas was just a few days ago. He doesn't understand the "no money" thing. Why does he think the firemen brought us groceries for Thanksgiving and that a Police officer took him shopping for Christmas for the Shop with a Cop program? Just cos he's cute???? I hate that. I'm glad those programs are there, but I hope and pray we never need them again. Its very humbling. I felt like I was saying, "Hi there, I can't afford to take care of my family." My friend and b/f that knew about it said that its only temporary, but it still made me feel bad.
My house is falling apart. My car runs like crap. I have a bad attitude, some days. Other days, I try to forget about the rest. My son and I have been playing with his Gamecube that I got him last year. I got him a game, I mean, ummmmmmmm Santa got him a game this year called Spyro, Enter the Dragonfly. I am having a blast with it. Its kind of a contest between us. I checked online and on the message board for it some said its a real lame game. Well, if you are a gamer, I imagine it would be. Its pretty easy, thats why I can do it. I have like 25 lives built up, so I don't have to worry about having to start over. It's been taking my mind off of a lot of stuff, and its great spending time with the kid. He is so much fun. (It gets a little disconcerting though when I am playing and he gets up and starts bapping his head against the wall. I know he just does it for effect, but still........) I don't know where he gets his smart assy attitude.
Have a great night, and kiss the loves of your life. They are what matters the most. God Bless

Thursday, December 23, 2004

A very cold night....

It's 5ยบ right now, and its going to get worse. Tomorrow is Christmas eve, and I am fixing dinner for my b/f, his son, and us. The son has to be at his moms for Christmas day, so we are having ours with him tomorrow. I am fixing a turkey, noodles, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, 2 cream pies,and hot rolls. I think thats about it. I made cheese ball and have some veggie dip and veggies as well. We lalso have some summer sausage. I don't think they will be going home hungry, by any means. The b/f is coming back Saturday about noonish probably. Then we will have leftovers.
I am still feeling a melancholy over the financial thing. I hate when the depression starts. The house is cold, but at least we aren't freezing. I am sitting here with a space heater on my legs and a blanket around my shoulders. At least we have a roof over our heads, and water, electricity and heat. I can almost hear the furnace sucking up the propane when it kicks on. Right now I can smell the hair getting singed on my legs from being too close to the space heater. I guess I should do something about that.
I don't know if I will get a chance to write tomorrow or not. If not, have a very blessed Christmas. Let your loved ones know how you feel. Think what it would be like to wake up in the morning and them not be there, ever. Then kiss them goodnight, and pray for their lives.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Merry Freakin Christmas

I have to remember what the season is about, but bankruptcy seems to be the word of the day for me. I know I use my credit card more often than I should. I don't usually use it for fun stuff, unless it is for someone else, like getting something on sale for my kid, or for Christmas. I try to use it if I am low on gas and no money, or if the car needs worked on, which it still does right now. I got a thing from the credit card company today. I am hoping I am reading this correctly, that the current rate I have of 14. 95% stays the same, but the default goes up to 28.5%! I hope that doesn't mean that mine is going to be that from now on. I will have to make sure and make that the top priority, right after house payment. I make sure I pay it on time, cos they used to charge me an extra $25 if it was late. That now goes up to $39.90 for a late fee. I am way over my head here. I am trying to eek out the same amount of bills with a lot less amount of income. I didn't have to take Algebra to figure that out. It sucks being poor.
I have to keep counting my blessings, and praying for a miracle. It seems I go about $1000 more in debt on my credit card every year. I am just going to have to start not getting any fun stuff if I don't have the cash. No eating out at Red Lobster. I will when I get my grant money or my tax return, but I will just pay for me and the kid. No treating the boyfriend and his son. Not this time. His son just bitches and moans anyway. Boyfriend thinks he doesn't have to ever take me out for something nice, and I have to give him credit, we eat out a lot and I shouldn't expect that even with the sucky job that he has. His is only getting worse.
I am so far in debt with this card. I am thankful that I kept it to one, cos I sure couldn't handle another bill monthly. My house should be paid off in 5 years, my credit card, never. I always make over the minimum payment, but its unreal how much it costs me a month just in fees and crap. Needless to say, I was in a very foul mood when I read that last night. My poor son can't understand why I get so cranky.
I love him so much. What have I done??? If I die will that just go away? Or does it come out of "my estate" as piddly as it is? That won't leave him much I am afraid, if anything. I sure hope I get that settlement. I will pay the house off, anything else I can pay off, get a decent car to drive, and then get to concentrate on the credit card. As much as they jab me, I hate to even pay it. If its one day late, the interest rate goes up. I think they should give a little leeway for travel time, or weekends, but it doesn't happen. I am just heartsick over this. HoHoHo. :(

Saturday, December 18, 2004

It's been awhile...

I haven't been sleeping much, so I don't know why I haven't been writing much. I know I am tired all the time. I got my stitches out, but they should have been left in at least a few more days. It's not healing quite as quickly as the other one, but I think I have been a little more careless with it. Its doing "ok" though. I thought I split it open today and was afraid to look. I started to fall so I put it down and caught myself with it. OUCH! Flat out on the couch. It didn't even bleed, so thats a good thing. I was really afraid it popped open.
I got my car back from the shop. $211.62 this time. It got a new fuel pump, and I replaced the battery before I took it in. I spent $40 some on it a few weeks ago for a fuel filter, but it didn't help. Then the bleepin thing died on me tonight at the stop sign. I am hoping and praying it was a fluke. I can't afford to pour any more money into it, but if I have to, I am going to take it somewhere they can hook it up to a computer and see what that says.
We worked on Christmas cards today. I don't usually send them out, but since the job is gone and I don't keep up with everyone I decided to do it. I have over 50 cards to mail tomorrow, and one is going to Scotland. I get a card from a friend I met online, but I haven't talked to him in over a year. He probably won't get it till July. I also got pictures ready to go to my son's grandparents. I don't know if they show them to his dad or not. He never calls to see how he is or anything. We used to see the grandparents from time to time, but last year at Christmas I was real sick so they didn't come and I haven't seen them since. I called them up and invited them to his birthday party, but she didn't know if they would come or not. The grandpa doesn't like crowds at all, and I think he would feel out of sorts. I got the card ready to mail and told them they had an open invitation. I sent his school pictures and his baseball picture. He is such a handsome young man.
I am going to close. Love your babies, and say a prayer for me. Everything seems to be falling apart. All I can do is pray and count my blessings. I have many and need to concentrate on those. I get irritated with the b'f cos he is so negative. I don't want to be like that. I know if you have read much of my blog you are rolling your eyes. I am pretty negative here, but thats why I do this, for the therapy of it, so I can let it go and move on. Its working better than not doing it at all. I don't think I am near as depressed as I was before.
Ok, now I am REALLY going to close. Hugs and kisses to all, and to all a good night. :)

Sunday, December 12, 2004

A little whine...

Just a little. My son got to go shop with a cop today and had a good time. The gentleman was very nice. My son said he kept patting him on the head. LOL. He got snow boots, socks, jammies, then hit the toy aisle. He got a Spiderman 2 Plug and Play game, where you wear things on your hand, belt, and an ankle and when he kicks, spiderman kicks on the tv. Its pretty cool. He got one from Power Rangers that is similar, except it doesn't hook to the tv. It was a nice time. It amazes me that people even cut in line though for free Christmas for the kids. A woman was in front of us and someone that came in after us hollored at her. She turned around and motioned for them to come up, so they did. The parents smelled like booze. They had 3 kids that got to go shopping. When it came time for them to go, the guy took us ahead of them since I just had one kid. :) I thought there was some justice after all. I thought about being rude when they got in front of us, but I thought that wouldn't be teaching my son a good lesson, but I hope they are careful about what they teach theirs.
I have been sick now for a few days. (Here comes the whiny part) I took the last of the antibiotics that I had and I am still sick. I tried calling the dr. office yesterday morning, but they had already left for the day. I will call again tomorrow. I really can't afford to go to the dr. but I have to kick this. My throat is hurting a lot and I can hardly talk. Its a busy week for me, with going to school tomorrow to turn my books in and finding my new classes for January. Tuesday night I have my final in algebra, Wednesday I go back to the dr. to get my stitches out, Thursday and Friday my son's school gets out early, so thats no problem for me. Sue wants to go out with Jody for lunch, but I told her I would have to be home early. We shall see. I am broke anyway. I just want to rest and get better.
My car is in the shop. I bought a new battery for it yesterday, but I don't trust the car. I want the guy to take a look at it for me. Winter is coming and I don't want it to die on me when I get to school. That could be dangerous. I hope its CHEAP!
I am going to go lie down. Enough whining. I am sick of it. Take care, and love your loved ones. Especially say a prayer for someone who doesn't feel so loved. It could make all the difference. God Bless.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Counting my blessings...

I have many to count. I know I whine about not having money. Its not really the not having money that makes me sad or upset, its about not being able to pay my bills. My house needs work, my car runs like crap, and the propane is outrageous. But, I have a roof over my head, my kid loves me and is a happy kid, and at least I HAVE a car. There are a lot of people a lot worse off than me. Sometimes it just doesn't seem that way, but its true. I have been worse off before, but I can see it creeping up on me and that scares me.
The surgery went well. I didn't sleep good last night, even with the painkillers. Its better now though. At least the pain killers are helping now. The hospital called today on a follow up call to see how I was doing. She asked if there was anything they could have done better or differently, and I told her everyone was real nice and they all seemed like they knew what they were doing, so it was great as far as that went. If someone deserves a good report, I sure like to make sure they get it. When I was boss at work and I thought night shift did a good job the night before, I would always try to leave a note and let them know. They always heard when something went wrong, but not when they did something right. People take that for granted I think, but it can make a world of difference. I was always flattered when someone would tell someone they were waiting for me to train them on something because I was careful and a little more thorough than most. To me, working in a factory, there is usually more than one way to do a job. I would tell them that this is how I do it, and as long as they can keep up the same pace or better, they can do it how it is most efficient for them. As long as the end result is the same, I don't think it should be a big deal. My boss sure felt differently.
I'm taking my car in next week to get worked on. Say a prayer that is something cheap. He still thinks it could be the transmission, but it feels like something fuel related to me. I think I let the tank get too low and some nasty stuff got sucked up into the engine. At least that sounds better than a tran$mi$$ion problem. :( I don't know what I will do if that is the case. My grant money from school and my tax return won't be here till February or March. I have no idea what my tax return is going to look like since the unemployment will be on it. I am having taxes taken out, so I should get back pretty good.
My son got to go shop at the Christmas store they put together for the kids to shop at. (that sentence was a mess, but I don't know how to explain it any better.) He got me, my b'f. my b'f 's son, and his buddy from school a present. He also got himself one. He went a little cheap on the school present so he could buy one for himself. My stepmother took him and we made a list of who to get for before he left. They even wrapped the presents for them. The most expensive gift you could buy was $5, so that wasn't bad. He used his own money, but when he doesn't notice and I have it, I plan on putting it back for him. Maybe. He wasn't supposed to get himself one. Then while they were gone, I got a phone call that he is accepted for the Shop with a cop program. Sue told me she thinks they spend about $100 for each kid. They make them get some clothes, which he is doing ok on, but he needs snow boots and snow pants. He has tons of underwear, socks, etc. I like to buy in bulk, and I knew I was going to be out of a job soon when it was time to get the school clothes. They have pizza party afterward. I think he will have a real good time.
I had better get to bed. The b'f wasn't feeling well tonight and sent me an offline that he was going to bed. He woke up with a sore throat, which I have too.
Hug the family, pray for the world, and God Bless. (say a prayer for my car too, 'kay? Thanks!)

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


I don't think of being poor, as in poor. I just don't have money. I have food, for now, I have a house, for now. It can all change in a heartbeat, thats true. I worry a lot about the bills coming in. I will probably have to get a part time job, but I want to get settled in my new schedule at school to see what I can fit in. School is very important to me. I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. I am too freakin old for this.
I got a letter from the school today. I was expecting it to be about my son having to go to Saturday school (again. ) He was rowdy once, climbed under a desk once, (to retrieve something, he said,) and forgot to put his name on his paper 3 times. So he gets Saturday school. Again. :( I know the name thing may not sound like a big infraction, but he has been told repeatedly. I don't want to take away from what they are trying to do, because I understand it. I don't know how else to handle this either. At least once a week, I ask him, "whats the first thing you do when the teacher hands you a paper?" He rolls his eyes and says, "put my name on it."
Back to the letter, it wasn't about Saturday school. They have a food basket for us we are to pick up Saturday morning. I HATE that I am in no better financial shape than I am now. It makes me sad and embarrassed. I think I have done well for a single mom with no outside income. Its been 8 years since he was born, and I am buying a house, paying the bills on time, but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I wish I was done with school and could get a good paying job, instead of settling for whatever comes along. The economy is getting worse everywhere I look. Jobs are leaving here fast.
My surgery on my right hand is in the morning. I am not looking forward to that either, but I think it will be better in the long run. I can't honestly go for another job when I have a bad hand before I even start. I think it will just be better to get it over with, and the insurance is only good through January. (I think.) Sometimes life sucks, but I am sure there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me. I have to keep telling myself that.
Have a great day. I have to get the house in good order before class tonight. (another test, then next week is the final) I won't be able to do dishes for a few days, and then only one handed for a week. We need to get the decorations for Christmas up too. Bah Humbug!

Monday, December 06, 2004

Another long day...

I am whupped. I went to tutoring this morning, the accounting office, met Sue for lunch, had an appt at the unemployment office, went to pick up the scanner and printer that went with my son's computer, and home. Then we had the Christmas program tonight at the school. Sue came over so we could go online at the college site, but they were having trouble and we couldn't log on, so I couldn't help her.
My b'f is real upset. He didn't go to the program with me because he had a business meeting, but in the meantime they cancelled it and didn't tell him, I guess they think its not that important since he lives across the street. He was in a foul mood, and I don't blame him. They cut his hours at work, along with everyone else, then they didn't give them a Thanksgiving turkey like they always have in the past. Today he found out there isn't going to be a Christmas bonus either. I know thats how he was going to pay for Christmas. I want to tell him not to get me anything, but I am afraid he will take it like a pity thing. It kind of might be, but if he can find a dime he will spend it and not pay a bill that needs paid. His son is very demanding and can't understand why he doesn't spend a ton of money on him every year. (or week) He was talking about going "back home" but I don't think he could be that far away from his son. Things are getting harder and harder and money is tighter and tighter. He is a big believer in Rush Limbaugh (gag!) and Rush says the economy is getting better. It sure ain't here. My b'f says thats just here, everywhere else is getting better. Thats not what I am hearing. It really sucks being poor. I am tired of it.
I am off to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow, and then I have surgery on my right hand Wedensday. I want to get the house good and in order first. Have a great night, and kiss the family and hug them close. God Bless.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

What a movie!

That was sarcasm. We went to see the new Spongebob Squarepants movie. My son loved it. It was "ok" Thank goodness it wasn't awful. I had a real hard time sitting through the YuGiHo movie when I took him to that. I made my boyfriend go with us this time. He wasn't impressed either, but I told him if I had to suffer, he could suffer right along with me. LOL He thought I would change my mind and take my son tomorrow when the b'f wouldn't be here. WRONG!
I guess now is as good a time as any to tell about my boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for 2 years now. I know I will never love him enough to marry him, but he thinks that will change. I hate to say it, but the only reason we are still together is because my son loves him, and I don't want to take that away from him. He needs a man in his life, but there is no way I can make this permanent. He is nice enough, but he needs someone to take care of him, or be someone he can take care of. I am neither. He wants someone to make his appointments, do things for him that he needs to do himself. I know he expects me to offer to do these for him, but he is a big boy. I would love to have a mother too, but it aint happenin!
His eyesight is awful and his church took up a collection to get his eyes fixed. (catatracts) but when he went to the dr. he found out it would only take care of one eye, so he decided he would rather be totally blind than be able to see out of one eye well. What freakin kind of sense does that make???? He wants to be a victim, so he can be one on his own. He is old enough to take care of himself.
I, on the otherhand, have one child already, and don't want to take care of another one. I am too independant for my own good probably, but I am tired on waiting for anyone to take care of me. I would have been living in a ditch a long time ago. He is not capable of taking care of himself, so how does he think I can depend on him? He thinks if we got married then we would have one set of bills. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, and so is he. If either one of us died, it wouldn't be fair to the other one. He is a diabetic, almost blind. The eye dr. told him not to drive, but he still does. I drive whenever we go anywhere together, and I am afraid it emasculates him some, but I would rather do that then end up in a horrible accident where we could kill someone. We have talked about it, and he says thats fine with him. I worry about him driving home in the dark. He can't hardly see to the end of the car I am afraid. I know he can't read streetsigns. The church thinks they can get enough money together for both eyes. The pastor has been talking to clinics I think. I think it will make a major difference in him. I am hoping thats a big part of whats holding him back.
Another problem, is the kissing. How do you tell someone you care about that they are a lousy kisser and have nasty looking teeth??? I don't think he can see them, but they are gross. He brags about not going to a dentist since he was in high school. He needs to GO! He has brown stuff on them, and I want to gag, but I can't tell him to go brush, can I? I don't know how I would broach the subject. I was going on about these cool floss sticks I got and told him to give one a try, but he said he wasn't raised that way. What the....???? I wasn't either, but I learned how. Its not that hard. He seems almost proud. It would kill him if he found out what I thought. I do care about him though and would never want to hurt him. I know I have by turning down his proposal. A few times. But I just can't. I thought for awhile maybe I could so my son could have the dad he wants, but I think I would get real bitter.
Time to close. I need to get some sleep. I think its depression making me not sleep at night but being so tired all the time. I am so worried about whats going to happen. When it gets to the financial crap, I get scared. Its not only me now, but my kid too. :(
Hug your family tight, kiss them softly as they sleep, and whisper you love them in their ear. God Bless.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I'm tired.

I had the resume thing that lasted from 9:30 tiull 3:30, then me and the woman that lectured talked for about 20 minutes while she was printing my certificate. I had to go to my attorney's office after that, which wasn't good. We may lose the case cos of my other health problems, so they can't say for sure it was work related, which it is, as I live and breath. I guess its a good thing I did it while I still have insurance from work. :( All those years I did damage to my hands, and didn't complain cos I didn't want to lose my job. I guess I hid it too well. Did they think I would tell my boss I couldn't do the job???? I needed it too bad. A lot of good that did me. I am unemployed now, and have to come up with the part the insurance doesn't pay. My attorney said not to get discouraged. But I am. :( I want a break. I want things to go right. I want things to go my way for once. Ok, maybe twice. :) My son is a wonderful blessing. He tickles me when he comes over and sniffs my hair and tells me how great it smells. He loves the perfume I wear, and I think that is terribly sweet. When I was a kid my mom wore Bird of Paradise perfume from Avon. They sell it every once in awhile, and I have a couple of bottles. I haven't opened one in awhile, but when I do, I get that warm fuzzy feeling and the good memories of my mom.
After I got home from the meeting with the attorney, we were here for about 1 1/2 hours, then we had the meeting for the active for life program. That lasted till a little after 8, then my son informed me that he needed snack for school tomorrow for the student teachers last day. We made a dash to Walmart, and that took another 1 1/2 hours, counting drive time. We got those junky fruit snacks that they seem to really like. I would have liked to have gotten something with a nutritional value, but its either too expensive, or isn't individually wrapped like they want.
It's been a long day. Have a good night, and don't be too frugle with the hugs and kisses.

A full day...

Today is the Resume workshop at the unemployment office. I think it will be helpful since my resume hasn't been updated in about 15 years. I know that styles change, and goodness knows, mine needs changed. It served its purpose, so now it needs to be better, faster, sleeker. Just like I wanna be when I grow up. Thats going to last all day, then I have to go see my attorney about my surgery. One down, one to go. I sure hope workmans comp come through. The hand I had done feels SOOOOOOOOOO much better. It's amazing. Next Wednesday is the next one. After a week or two, I think it will feel good as new. I hope. Since I am using my left more now, its not as taxing on my right. Thats a good thing.
Have an awesome day. Time to hit the shower!