Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My dream

Last night, I had a dream about Zach Braff. I started watching Scrubs not too long ago, and I love the show. It makes me laugh out loud, and I know I don't do that often enough. I sleep with the tv on, and it comes on at 11:00 pm. I fell asleep during it, so I know I incorporated it into my dream. Anyway, in my dream, he came in, like a normal evening, and laid down at the other end of the couch. (I sleep on the couch) We were both reclining, and chatting, just friendly fun banter. Then we both settled down to go to sleep. (His head at one end, and my head at the other.) Then, I was almost ready to doze, (in my dream) and sat up, told him that "by the way, I wanted to let you know how adorably funny you and your show is. It makes my day brighter." He gave my that knowing grin of his, and we both nodded off. I just thought it was a cute dream. I really do enjoy him and the show a lot. There isn't much tv I make a point to watch, but I will that one. My son is the one that got me started on it.

I was supposed to go to a job fair today, but didn't go. I didn't sleep good last night so I napped as soon as kidlet left for school. Then I started not feeling well, tummy-wise. So I didn't go. I still need to go over and get measured for my cap and gown. Thats something I need to whine about.

My friend that is going to school keeps telling me how important it is for me to go to graduation. I, being a private introverted person, don't want to go and be in front of all of those people. She has been lecturing me about how important it is for my kid to see me graduate. To me, its just a ceremony. Like a wedding. If (heaven forbid) I should ever do that again, its going to be me, him, and the preacher. Anyway, she keeps telling me to get over there and get measured. Then last night, I get this email from her about how she got measured, and if she decides not to go, she can just cancel. I emailed her back, and asked what the F is going on. Yeah, I said F. (even when I cuss in Pogo chat, I use characters, not the real letters, like &*^%*^. At least everyone knows how I feel without having to say it. LOL. She said she may not walk. Holy crap. She likes drama, even though she says she doesn't. She still whines on a daily basis about how much homework she has, even though she has dropped half of her classes. Then she will tell me how she really needs to quit watching tv. I never had time to watch tv while I was in school. I even studied in the bathroom. When she has a freebie day, she says she has to stay home and get caught up on homework, and EVERY TIME she does that, she will email me that evening and tell me she didn't do anything all day. Cripes. She is getting on my last nerve. She has it so much tougher than everyone else. No one has it as rough as she does. She suffers from test anxiety. Big whoop. Its ok if I got a C in a class, no big deal, but it devastates her for days if she gets one. She can't function for a day or more if she gets a bad grade. I have told her she needs to talk to someone about depression, and she told me one day that it makes her cry when I tell her that, so please don't say that again. I said it was BECAUSE YOU ARE DEPRESSED! Then she tells me that the dr. thinks she is diabetic. I asked her when she was getting tested, and she said she wasn't. She didn't want to know, and she didn't want me to mention it again. So I did. I told her that she needs to get tested so she can find out what plan of action she needs to take. She said her dad was diabetic and it ruined his life, and he was miserable. I told her that was a long time ago, (about 20 years) and they have learned so much since then. I told her she needs to get checked before it does any permanent damage. She told me she is never telling me anything again, so don't mention it. I told her its not going to go away. Now, I don't know if she really doesn't want me to talk about it, or if she wants to see how much I care as a friend, and try to convince her to go. I really do love her dearly, even though it doesn't sound like it. I just don't like the drama. I blog instead of whining to people, (most of the time, anyway) and she whines to me. Some days I cringe when I see her name in my inbox. I get at least 2 emails a day from her, every day. Some days more. I even told her that with diabetes, she could lose a limb, or go blind. If she waits too long to find out, and doesn't start treatment, there won't be much they can do, which is probably what happened with her dad. I told her at least cut down on sugar and carbs, like pasta, etc. She said "but I like pasta." Cripes. I asked her if she liked it well enough to go blind. I get so tired of the damn whining. I hope she doesn't expect me to push her around in her wheelchair. (Of course I would, but mainly if we are starting out at the top of a hill.) LOL. I really do care about her, and thats why it bothers me so much. Diabetes can be managed, at least to a certain extent. If you don't know what your dealing with, you don't know what you should be doing. Then she said that since my dad was diabetic, I was a good candidate for it too. DUH. I had my blood sugar checked, and its always been fine. So there. That shut her up for almost a whole minute.

Better go, its time for Scrubs. God Bless. Goodnight Zach, wherever you are. ;)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Things are the same, only different

I still don't have a job. I am doing better though. I think the naps I have been taking have been helping with the depression. I still don't sleep well at night, but the naps during the day are my high point. Even if I don't nap though, I still don't sleep well at night. I have noticed the last few nights that I am actually dreaming again, so maybe I am getting caught up some. Dreaming seems to really relax me more, like telling me a bedtime story to myself while I am asleep. They have been good calming dreams, except the one where I dreamt that I had a really nasty crusty cold sore, and was thrilled when I woke up and discovered it wasn't true.

My uncle and my grandmother are both currently in the hospital. My Grandmother seems to be getting better and may be going back to the nursing home tomorrow. She likes it there now because she doesn't have to do anything. They cook and clean for her, and roll her over. She can sit and read all she wants.

My uncle isn't faring so well. I love my uncle. He used to be a mean vicious man who used to beat his children when they were small. I was terrified of him. My mom used to take me over to play with his kids sometimes when he was at work. I would hear her and grandma talking about how mean he was. I remember once he came home while I was there, I told my aunt I was walking back to my grandmas and decided to go the scenic route. I was about 6. My mom came after me in the car scared to death they wouldn't find me. I wasn't lost. I had to get away from the evil man who beat children. I don't remember how old they were when the bruises stopped. I know they had them in highschool. He discovered God and turned into one of the sweetest people you would ever be blessed to meet. His children love him dearly, and it shows. His body is failing. He has put it through a lot of stress over his lifetime.

The last time I was over at his house, (a few weeks ago) they were talking about a local hospital that got its charitable status taken away. He said "apparently they didn't treat enough indignant people." It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, picturing these indignant people, all nicely dressed, standing outside the hospital offended because they weren't being treated. (as opposed to the poor indigent people turned away for lack of money or insurance.)

When my son was a baby and was a collicky crying mess, my uncle was the only one that could lull him to sleep. He said he had a way with babies, which he did, but I also think it had something to do with the tremors he had, but we never mentioned them. I have a picture of him cradling my son in his arms, resting comfortably looking up into my uncles face.

He is tired, and wearing his wife out taking care of his needs, and he knows it, and that makes it even harder on him. He is ready to go, but she keeps telling him he's not, and he doesn't want to leave her alone, but he wants to go. I will miss him tremendously.

His life has shown me how much a person can go through changes over a lifetime and still come out ok on the end. I keep waiting for something to happen "FOR" me, instead of me getting out and moving the mountains that need to be moved. I have turned in a few applications, but not as much as a serious job searcher would. I keep expecting something to happen, to make life easier. I don't know why I feel that way, but I have since I was a child. I remember thinking that no matter what happened, I would end up marrying a great guy, having a great family, and live happily ever after. I think I still have that dream, even though I don't work at it at all. It should just happen, shouldn't it????? (yeah, I know.)

I am trying to get back on track with life. I think I have finally gotten bored at home, although if I ever started on a project, it would keep me occupied. I am afraid to start because I may fail.

I know I am getting bored when I actually updated Myspace last night. I changed the background and it looks great. :)

I hope you all have a blessed day.