Friday, September 30, 2005

My anniversary

I can't let today go by without mentioning it. It was a major turning point in my life. I felt loved, cared for, protected, adored. Yes, 27 years ago today I lost my virginity. I don't expect any signs in the front yard, no sign declaring "Happy Anniversary" on the gas station sign. There won't be any cryptic "Happy Anniversary to you on this auspicious day" blurb in the newspaper. No phone calls about it, no party hats. But I know. And I remember. The wonder, the joy, the awakening. I barely remember his last name, and I am sure he doesn't remember me at all. He probably even has grandkids by now. LOL He was a studly college student and I was a poor working girl growing up in a college town. I didn't even tell him I was a virgin. I wanted to be deflowered. And so it was done. :)

God Bless, and think about the wonder of life. Life can be amazing.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Trying something new...

I thought I would sign up for AdSense. I guess we will see what happens. I hope to move it around some as I don't like it right up there. It would be nice if it would bring in a couple of bucks, but I get no traffic so I won't bet on it. It would be nice though. Its hard cos I can't tell anyone to check it out. Then they would know it was ME.

Classes are going well, for the most part. My son got his medication bumped up a notch, because he can't focus at school. (again) I guess we will see how that goes. The scholarship reception was long and boring, but we made it through it. I felt bad for dragging G with me. I thought it would be a good thing for him to see, with me being given a scholarship. I didn't know there was going to be 350 recipients there, and they were going to read EVERY name. Needless to say, he didn't get any of his homework done that night, and got 2 tickets for it the next day. He said it was my fault that he got a Saturday school, but if he wouldn't have gotten 4 tickets before that it wouldn't have been an issue. Yes, I feel some guilt, but he had work he should have brought home Monday night instead of saving it all for an evening he knew we weren't going to be home. He is getting tired of not being able to watch any tv or play on the computer the nights he doesn't bring any work home for me to look over. He won't read, which is what I am trying to convince him to do. I invested in the Harry Potter books thinking that might lure him into reading. I told him there is even more stuff in them than in the movie. So far it hasn't worked. I made him do some math problems today, just cos. You would think he was in front of the firing squad.

I am going to close. Its going to be a long week, but better than last week I hope. It can't help but be better. I was tired and cranky after driving so much last week, between school, the reception, the dr. etc, I logged over 500 miles. I am sick of it. This will be a more normal week, thank goodness.

God Bless, and please click my link. ;)

Sunday, September 18, 2005


I have been feeling "unrest". When I am in front of the computer, which I used to do a lot, I am not content like I used to be. Its harder focusing for me lately than it has in a very long time. I have been working out some, so maybe thats why. Maybe my body is just telling me to get off my ass and move. It's been working for me, but its hard to do homework while I am pedaling or gazelling.

The gazelle was my new toy I mentioned before. I had to put it together which took awhile, but I had to get on it before I even got the pistons put on. I really like it. Its like a glorified treadmill with a few extra perks. Tony Little is a little annoying on the dvd, but thats ok. I feel better. I want to get my ass and thighs nice and tight. They are better already I think. My general feeling of wellness is better too. I am still having a struggle with the water and the veggies, but I love the 3 glasses of milk a day the dr. suggested. I used to drink milk all the time, but got concerned with all the fat and stuff and quit. I think that is really helping me to feel better too. My legs aren't swelling as bad as they were either, and that was even before the gazelle. I wonder if the milk could have anything to do with it?

The kid is getting in trouble at school again. I am taking him to the dr. Thursday to see if she thinks we need to increase his meds, and if she would recommend a counselor for both of us. I am not being a good parent, and I try to put the ADD thing on the back burner so it won't be a major contention. I was hoping it would go away on its own, but thats not working. I don't know how to deal with it. I have found both of us screaming at each other, and I don't want to be that kind of parent. I don't know how much of what he is going through is a normal boy thing, an ADD thing, or if I am just such a lousy parent that he has no choice but to be a butt.

I can't talk to Molly about it, as friend to a friend. If she has a hangnail, she has to go to the dr. for bloodtests. If I am upset about something, the first question she asks is if I am taking my hormones. WTF??? My son is getting in trouble and she acts like its all in my head. "he is just a kid, all boys do that. Look at mine." Hers is in his 20's, lives at home, almost went to prison. I want help before it gets to that point. I am not being effective, and have a hard time dealing with it. I alway thought if you love your kid, and discipline them when they need it that life would be great, and no problems. I love my son so much that sometimes I just want to cry with thanks to God for putting him in my life. I do the discipline things to, but now he just wants to stand there and scream at me. (which is what I do to him sometimes, so its understandable where he learned it, but not acceptable) I need to change the way I handle it.

Time to work out and get back to the homework. Classes are going well, so I want to keep that going. God Bless.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dear Sir,

I want you to know you are thought about. I see you every day I drive that route to school. I see you sitting on the front porch with the oxygen tubing running into the front door of your home. I give you a gentle nod daily, since you have no clue who I am. Thats ok. Sometimes I don't even know, and I have lived with me a long time.

I wonder about you. Have you done with your life what you have wanted to do? Do you have family that takes care of you? What is the affliction you have where you need oxygen? I see you wave at a few people. I know this is your social time. I worry about you when I don't see you out.

You are in my prayers.

God Bless.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I miss you

I still love you. I always will. You were a part of me. You still are. I try not to think about you daily, but you are in my heart always.

You would have been 20 years old today. 20. That seems unreal. Although I never got to hear your cry, or feel your breath, I love you. I miss you. I got to feel you move inside of me. I got to talk to you, and pass the love I felt for you through the bond we had.

I will always wonder. Would you have been a girly girl, with masses of barrettes and ribbons for your hair? Would you have let me put on little paten leather shoes with bows on them, and ruffled undies peeking out under your red little velvet dresses? Would you have had long hair with pigtails? Would you have dimples on your cheeks like me, or would you look more like your dad?

Would you have been a tomboy, skinned knees and elbows, bringing bugs in the house, dirt from head to toe? Those questions I will never get answers to.

Would you have been able to talk to me about boys, school, fights with your best friend? Would you let me help you with homework? Would you have been able to talk to me about the first time you had sex? Would we have planned your wedding already, or would you be on your way to a career? Would you call me every week to let me know how you were doing and the important things going on in your life?

I love you, I miss you. Sometimes I give your little brother an extra kiss after he falls asleep, and hopes it makes it to you. I love you my darling Bri.

God bless.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I love you

Its amazing what those words are capable of. I say it to my son a lot. He says it to me a lot. Today he confirmed that if he starts to say something and forgets what he was going to say, he uses that as filler. Thats not a good thing, but he is a kid. I say it a lot because even though I get very angry and upset sometimes, I still love him and I don't ever want him to wonder. I think I wrote before about how he was sitting quietly in the car while I was berating him for something he had done. When I paused in my tirade, he looked at the floorboard, and asked if I wished I had never had him. I never want him to have any doubt as to the love I feel for him, even if I am a butt at times.

Back in the days of old, before I got married, me and my fiance used those words all the time. When we got married, we continued. He would say it 50 times a day I think. I knew he was thinking with his head and not his heart, so I asked him once what he just said. He was like, "ummmmmmm. whaaaaaaaaaat?" I told him he had just told me he loved me, but not to say it just to be saying it, only if he meant it. It slowed down after that, but he would wink at me and stuff when he said it, so I knew it was a heart thing, and not just going on autopilot. It means so much more when you know they mean it.

He was a truck driver, gone for a couple of weeks at a time usually. We talked on the phone at least every other day, and every day on a few occaisions. (that was BC, before cellphones and free minutes.) Our phone bill on a conservative month was around $200, sometimes $300. That was a major part of our marriage, since he wasn't home. He would call in a bad mood about his job, or the dispatcher, and I would be the caring wife who listened, comiserated, and tried to make him feel better and smarter than his dispatcher or whoever was causing him grief. I wanted to be his safe haven. He started getting real cranky when he got home. Nothing was ever right. If I didn't have the yard mowed while he was gone, he would get mad. If I mowed the yard, he would get mad. (First, he said I should take care of everything, and let him rest when he was home, then it was the fact he had been looking forward to getting out and getting some exercise and sun.) The house wasn't clean enough, and when it was, all he could say was "about F'n time) :( I was too fat. But yet when I was on a diet he would hold food in front of my face if I wasn't going to have any. Talk about mixed signals. I knew he wanted out. He wanted to spread his wings and fly. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I quit smoking, went on a diet, would go on house cleaning frenzies, but he would find something else to complain about. I went back to smoking, eating, and not worrying about the house. Through most of this, on the phone he would still tell me he loved me. We would still have good conversations, and I thought we could save the marriage. I suggested counseling, but he said we didn't need it.

The first time he didn't tell me he loved me on the phone, I knew it was over. That was the end of our marriage. Up to that point I thought it could still be saved. We were married for awhile longer, as the first time he didn't tell me he loved me was 2 months after we lost our daughter during birth. They would have to have locked me up in a rubber room, so I convinced him to stay, and maybe we could work it out. I was in a major depression, but tried to put up a good front for him. Who would want to stay married to someone who cried all the time???? I never cried when he was home. I never cried when we would talk on the phone, well, usually only whenever we talked about the daughter we didn't have. Things never got any better, and two years later we divorced.

The lack of those 3 words told me the end was inevitable. For now, I don't care if my son says them without thinking. I'm glad to hear them. I want to make sure he hears if often. I love to hear him say it, even if it sometimes is an afterthought.

God Bless, and you are loved.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A crappy day

I had a crap day. It could have been worse. I shouldn't complain. But I will.

Yesterday, my son went to a friends house and went on a picnic and fishing with his family. He had a great time. When we got home after I went to pick him up, I decided to check the oil since the car had been running a little "odd". The dipstick was hot, which was a bad sign. I went to borrow oil from my parents, and all they had was lawnmower oil, but it was 10W 30, so I went ahead and used it. (about a quart) I waited till the car cooled completely, then drove 4 miles to town to get more. I put in another quart at the station, and checked when I got it home and let it set, and it was fine.

This morning I thought it would be a good idea to leave early and hit Midas for an oil change. They were too crowded and I would have been late for class, so I went after. I got there about 1 pm. They checked my tires and one was almost completely bald. I like bald men, but not bald tires. I thought I would get them at Walmart, so away I went. That was 1:45. When I pulled out of the parking lot at Midas, I heard a loud CRUNCH!!!!! I looked behind me in the rear view and didn't see anything, like pieces of my car, a stream of oil, a person, a dog, or anything. The one way streets on that corner are a zoo, and it was easier just to go on to Walmart. I called Midas from there and told them what happened and it had done it to me twice, not just that once. She said bring it back after the tire deal, or bring it back now. I thought since I was there, I would get the tires. They got done at 5 pm. I was there for over 3 FREAKIN HOURS. I didn't need anything at Walmart. I just walked around, and walked around, and walked around. Then I walked around some more. I ended up with a new cordless phone for the kitchen, with another handset for upstairs. I have been wanting one for a long long time. Thats one of the reasons I won't sleep up there is lack of phonage. They are charging now, and they are pretty. :)
Then, Toy Story 10th Anniversary Edition came out today. :) Its mine now. Everyone thinks I get all these movies for my son. I bought the tape when it was first released, and my son is only 8. I think you can do the math. :) (Sometimes when he wants me to watch tv with him, he will try to entice me with Beauty and the Beast. Sometimes it works. ;) ) Then, I got a shoe rack for all of our shoes we keep moving from place to place. I thought this would help, and its also been something I have wanted to get organized for a long time. That plus the tires, plus the oil change at Midas was the extent of my purchases today. (about $200 more than I had intended to spend when I woke up this morning. )

I took the car back to Midas and had to wait for them to do another oil change before they could look at it. This was about 5:15, and they close at 6. I had stopped at Hardees today for lunch and the car bottomed out when I was going into the parking lot. Apparently I had broken some swag thing under the front of the car right at the axle. She showed me a nice picture, and said its not dangerous, but it sounds like crap, and it could damage the boot if not fixed. My appointment is at 11:30 tomorrow, after class. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Of course I am going to get it fixed. It sounds like the motor is trying to fall out.

I got home at 6:30. G's bedtime was going to be 7:30 since he has been a superbrat to get up in the morning, but he made it at 8:15. Poor kid only had a pb&j before I got home. Its not my parents fault. He doesn't like to eat anything, and I am sure they were glad they got him to even eat that.

Now I have to study for a quiz, but what I want to do is pop in Toy Story in the computer and check out all the special stuff. I can't tomorrow night cos I have class. Thursday would be the soonest, and I am expecting my new toy that day. More about that later.

My problems are so petty compared to many many others. I need to keep that in mind.

God Bless.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Weird times

Things are real weird right now. People fighting, arguing, etc. I have seen some awesome things in the last few days, people helping people from the hurricane area, opening their homes, their pocket books, etc. I go to a message board and they are fighting like cats and dogs. Its really sad to see. I don't know what is up with people these days. They should be happy they are alive and have a roof over their heads.

I hope to be back to my boring old self in a few days. I wish I could fix what is happening. It's really awful what is going on all over.

God bless, and count your blessings.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I don't know what to say....

The scenes on the news are awful. Katrina destroyed so much. I can't imagine what those people and their families are going through. My prayers are with all of them.

God Bless