Saturday, September 10, 2005

I love you

Its amazing what those words are capable of. I say it to my son a lot. He says it to me a lot. Today he confirmed that if he starts to say something and forgets what he was going to say, he uses that as filler. Thats not a good thing, but he is a kid. I say it a lot because even though I get very angry and upset sometimes, I still love him and I don't ever want him to wonder. I think I wrote before about how he was sitting quietly in the car while I was berating him for something he had done. When I paused in my tirade, he looked at the floorboard, and asked if I wished I had never had him. I never want him to have any doubt as to the love I feel for him, even if I am a butt at times.

Back in the days of old, before I got married, me and my fiance used those words all the time. When we got married, we continued. He would say it 50 times a day I think. I knew he was thinking with his head and not his heart, so I asked him once what he just said. He was like, "ummmmmmm. whaaaaaaaaaat?" I told him he had just told me he loved me, but not to say it just to be saying it, only if he meant it. It slowed down after that, but he would wink at me and stuff when he said it, so I knew it was a heart thing, and not just going on autopilot. It means so much more when you know they mean it.

He was a truck driver, gone for a couple of weeks at a time usually. We talked on the phone at least every other day, and every day on a few occaisions. (that was BC, before cellphones and free minutes.) Our phone bill on a conservative month was around $200, sometimes $300. That was a major part of our marriage, since he wasn't home. He would call in a bad mood about his job, or the dispatcher, and I would be the caring wife who listened, comiserated, and tried to make him feel better and smarter than his dispatcher or whoever was causing him grief. I wanted to be his safe haven. He started getting real cranky when he got home. Nothing was ever right. If I didn't have the yard mowed while he was gone, he would get mad. If I mowed the yard, he would get mad. (First, he said I should take care of everything, and let him rest when he was home, then it was the fact he had been looking forward to getting out and getting some exercise and sun.) The house wasn't clean enough, and when it was, all he could say was "about F'n time) :( I was too fat. But yet when I was on a diet he would hold food in front of my face if I wasn't going to have any. Talk about mixed signals. I knew he wanted out. He wanted to spread his wings and fly. I wasn't a perfect wife, but I quit smoking, went on a diet, would go on house cleaning frenzies, but he would find something else to complain about. I went back to smoking, eating, and not worrying about the house. Through most of this, on the phone he would still tell me he loved me. We would still have good conversations, and I thought we could save the marriage. I suggested counseling, but he said we didn't need it.

The first time he didn't tell me he loved me on the phone, I knew it was over. That was the end of our marriage. Up to that point I thought it could still be saved. We were married for awhile longer, as the first time he didn't tell me he loved me was 2 months after we lost our daughter during birth. They would have to have locked me up in a rubber room, so I convinced him to stay, and maybe we could work it out. I was in a major depression, but tried to put up a good front for him. Who would want to stay married to someone who cried all the time???? I never cried when he was home. I never cried when we would talk on the phone, well, usually only whenever we talked about the daughter we didn't have. Things never got any better, and two years later we divorced.

The lack of those 3 words told me the end was inevitable. For now, I don't care if my son says them without thinking. I'm glad to hear them. I want to make sure he hears if often. I love to hear him say it, even if it sometimes is an afterthought.

God Bless, and you are loved.

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