Wednesday, March 29, 2006

What the hell is wrong with people?????

I would like to think that people are all good at heart, sane, compassionate people. I know the world isn’t that way, but what a wonderful place that would be. I think its called Heaven.

I am about to give up listening to news altogether. I listen to a popular Chicago radio station. It’s a talk station, and it stirs up the brain cells from time to time. It helps me figure out which side of the road I am on. I agree with some and not others, so at least I know I am not like a sheep, at least most of the time. I don’t trust media, politicians, hardly anyone actually. It seems they all lie to work towards their agenda. I thought media were supposed to go after the truth, but they keep putting a spin on things. It depends on who writes their check and I hate that. Who can be trusted now adays????

Anyway, that’s not the main reason I am thinking about taking a break from news. Today I heard two very disturbing stories. The first one was about a man who was supposed to be tucking his daughter in while the mom was downstairs, and the little boy was asleep. Apparently he strangled the little 8 year old, shoved her head in the toilet to drown her, and when they found her poor little body she also had a knife sticking out of her neck. It’s hard to drive to school when you are openly weeping. What horrible thoughts were going through her mind? The person who is supposed to love and protect her was strangling her. The person who is in charge of protecting her from people like that was sticking her head in the toilet. On the way home they were discussing it again, and someone stated they thought he was doing something to her and she threatened to tell her mom or at least someone. That could be very possible. What kind of animal would murder his child, and that way???? Is there any hope for the world with people like that in it???

On the way home, I heard another story. Some youths were taunting a homeless man. He mooned them, and they proceeded to beat and stab him till he died. What the hell????? I don’t understand people. If you aren’t going to show compassion to people, then LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE!!!! What is so hard to comprehend??? I don’t get it.

God Bless, and please pray for humanity. I am so very sad. :(

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I'm caught up!

I got the homework done, and all turned in. My online classwork is due at 11:59 pm on Sunday night. I have 3 activities, a message board to post on, and a quiz to take. Last week, I turned in two activities, took the quiz, was relieved that I got a good grade on it, and went in to finish watching a movie with the kid. At 12:01 (no joke) I was laying there feeling like I was forgetting something. Then it hit me. I didn't turn in the last activity. That was 25 points I blew. I ran in here, booted up, got online, got to the site, and it wouldn't let me post. The system had already shutdown for the dump. Crap. I composed an email to the instructor, told her I realized it was late and woudn't be counted, but if she could still grade it so I knew how I did I would appreciate it. I explained how it was my fault, and I was just so happy to get a decent grade on the quiz that I forgot. She didn't mention it when she graded it, and then I saw that she had posted the grade, so that meant that she counted it. HURRAY! She knows I am honest I think, from a question I posed to her earlier asking about a website she wanted us to use. She said I was the only one concerned about copying from the site and by my asking it showed her my honesty. Also, since it was a Word document, I imagine she checked the revision date and time to see when it was completed. Whew. I am glad I didn't feel the need to make any changes before I finally submitted it. So far I am getting a B out of that class.
No homework for math, so I don't have anything due till Tuesday. I am going to work on that tomorrow so maybe I won't be finishing it up just before class. I hate when that happens.
I had my 2nd session with the intern Friday. We still aren't even done with the paperwork, but she said next week it should be done. She asked more questions, and I gave her honest answers. She asked about sexual abuse when I was younger. I told her I didn't think it was abuse, just exploration among children, only I was the only one that didn't know it was wrong. My parents were the kind who thought if we didn't know anything about it, that it couldn't affect us. If I would have had a clue it was wrong, it wouldn't have happened at all. I was the youngest in the bunch, and when there are 3 people acting like it was nothing unusual, except you weren't allowed to tell anybody, it took a while for me to realize. When I questioned it, it stopped. Except for that once, but that got stopped before it started. Long story, maybe for another time. Maybe not.
I told her about my friend who had been sexually abused when she was younger. She turned out quite different than I did. She blamed herself. Hers was an adult that abused her, and in my way of thinking, adults know whats right or wrong, and they should have more control. I still can't understand why she would blame herself. She didn't come onto him. I hear that about abuse victims blaming themselves all the time, and I don't get it. The intern said that I had even made the statement that my parents wouldn't have believed me if I told them. I agreed, but said too that it never happened again. I put a stop to it. Then she goes into how I am a strong person, and not everybody is. I told her I sure don't feel like a strong person. I guess I am. I see women who couldn't find their way out of a paperbag with a map, and it amazes me that they can function in daily life. I think some men like that because they feel that they are needed. I need someone too, but someone stronger than me. I can't feel safe with someone if I have to do all the thinking and the saving. I can't act like the helpless female, it gets boring. Besides, what if no one wants to help me? Hmmmmmmm, that is probably the real problem. I am strong because I have had to be, not because I want to. I am afraid to depend on anyone too much because there is a good chance they won't be there.

On a happier note, (time to switch gears here) I am officially old. That doesn't sound happier, but on this occasion, I will admit it. I have been listening to Uncle Kracker, whom I adore, and then we were listening to our movie soundtracks. (Scooby Doo, Robots, Shrek, Shark Tale, etc.) These are the only "newer" songs I can really get into. Today while I was working on homework, I decided no dancing music, time to sit on the bottom and get the work done. I started playing my "oldies" playlist and got into Mama's and Papa's greatest hits. I know all the words, and was having a great time. That is music. It brings back memories. I was barely in high school when I had a big giant crush on this kid who sat next to me in sociology class. I never paid attention in class, but doodled a lot. I remember writing California Dreamin with assorted hearts, doodles, etc over and over again. That night they played it on the local radio station and I just knew he had called it in for me. Well, maybe not, but I couldn't believe it was just a coincidence. I wonder if he is single? He lives less than 15 miles from me. (wink wink)

I finished reading the whole journal to date of the fat man walking website. He has sure came a long way. I was sorry to read about his marriage ending though. I hate that two people can't work out their differences when there are kids involved. It sounds like its amicable though, so thats better than not. I wish him well on the rest of his journey.

I had better get to bed. Things to do, places to go, people to see.

God Bless.


I heard about this site on The Daily Buzz Friday morning. I sat here yesterday morning and read as much as I dared, time wise, and am doing the same thing today. Its amazing what this man is going through. More than a few things he has said on his site have spoken to me. This quote keeps running through my brain:

I have been battling my food addictions all along this journey and some days are better than others, but it is stress that can turn a successful couple of days into lost time with as little as a day of indulgence. Oddly, I do not particularly enjoy food and don’t overeat to treat myself. I subconsciously want to eat to relieve stress and sometimes that desire can lead to almost epic internal conflict that demoralizes me even more than the overeating does.

This loss of control and my inability to force myself to do the right thing is hard to face and again leads to more stress. The whole cyclic dynamic of binge eating is a self perpetuating mechanism that can only be stopped through introspection and understanding of the root causes. But introspection and loss of control are two things that mix like gas and fire in the soul of a troubled person, and this seems to be a paradox of human frailty and the desire for instant gratification.

Of course I am looking for some answers in my own life but I cannot avoid the philosophical implications of my discoveries along the way. This is true for me in every aspect of my life. It is not well enough to know that a thing exists I feel a powerful urge to understand why it exists. Unfortunately, I think that this makes it harder to feel that you have achieved any success because you know that for every bit of growth there is an infinite amount left. In fact the more I learn about myself the more I realize that I have been living in an illusion posing as reality. This may seem grandiose to you but if you really think about what we have to accept to get through our days you will so see that this self-delusion is not that difficult.

I am over halfway through the journal postings, and have to stop soon to do the Sunday homework, but had to share. This guy is an inspiration for me, thats for sure.

God Bless, and I hope you enjoy the site. :)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

What breakfast cereal are you?

Grape Nuts
You scored 77 Kindness, 85 Intelligence, 83 Style, and 53 Humor!

Crunchy, healthy, and a burst of wholesome goodness. You clearly know
this already. Work on boosting your style, and hit the books, and who
knows what your breakfast futures may hold.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 57% on Kindness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 71% on Intelligence
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 85% on Style
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 42% on Humor

Saturday, March 18, 2006

They're gone. :(

The parents got moved this morning. I had tried to tell them it wouldn't take long, but even I didn't expect it to go as fast as it did. I didn't go over to help, because I would have started crying and I am too damn tough for that. (Ok, maybe I'm not, but I have to keep up appearances, right????) Anyway, I went over to see how it was going and they were already gone. (It was less than 45 minutes after they arrived to help.) The church was helping them move, so I knew it would go fast. My brother and his son in law were outside having a smoke and told me I had missed the whole thing. He said there must have been 40 people or so. I know the church takes great pride in the volunteerism they have, and it shows. They have a good time when they help people move.
My brother told me I would regret the day I told them about the property. I still don't. He said today, "well, you finally got them off of your back, and now I have them back on mine." I told him I didn't want them to move, and I think he was surprised. I started tearing up, but I turned so he wouldn't see. I really enjoyed the closeness we had with them next door. I know we can go visit anytime we want, but now I won't be able to just pop over whenever I feel like it. The difference is a 30 second walkover compared to a 30 minute drive one way. I will miss them.
Dad said I could have their mailbox, so I went and took their name off of it today. :( He had put my old mailbox up for me when vandals tore up my original one. I had the best mailbox on the block till they moved in and put mine to shame. LOL. Now its mine. I would rather have the neighbors though. :(
I hope my brother can get his priorities straightened out before Dad dies. That really bothers me a lot. I don't want to have any regrets about anything. Dad knows I love him. He couldn't even look me in the eye when he said he thinks we got to know each other a lot better since they moved next door and got closer. (ok, am I NOT my fathers daughter???? Our motto: "Don't ever let them see you sweat.")
We are going to have to go to town later. They got mail today and the change doesn't take effect till Monday. I know they didn't think they would be out of here before mail ran. It gives us a chance to check out the new place. :)

God Bless.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Nothing can be simple.

For now I am showing a double post. Its not a double personality or anything. I am hoping it will disappear as I have deleted it, and went back and its still there. (yeah, I cleared my cache, checked another browser, cleared that cache, checked again, and its still showing up for me.) When I click on the link for the post, it says Not Found, right next to the double post. Geesh. I am hitting the shower. Next time someone reads this, the offending post may be gone, and you may think I need to call my therapist back soon. LOL. I am depressed, not crazy. LOL

God Bless, and have a great day.

Time sure flies when you are busy....

I can't believe its been so long since I posted. I am trying to bring my grades up, my parents are moving tomorrow, and I went to what I thought was my first therapy session last week. Turned out its still part of the paperwork. ??? Anyway, she said we should be done filling out all the forms after my next appointment. Good thing I am not suicidal. LOL. She asked me if I ever thought of hurting myself. I laughed and almost said, "I am depressed, not crazy." But instead went with the "nope. I am too busy and have too many responsibilities, and it never occured to me." I don't think I am going to mention that I used to pray every night that God would take me as I slept. He hasn't yet, and now I have a son that I don't want to be motherless. I think I must be here for a reason, I just don't know what.
To me this depression thing is a bump in the road, I am just tired of the long ass freakin bump it has become. Too many changes too fast, a kid who can't be trusted to tell me the truth, my parents moving, the need of a job, and the ending of my funding for school in September. I told the girl, (turned out she isn't a full blown therapist, she is an intern, which is fine.) that one of the things I want to do is find out how to deal with my son, his school, and his ADD. She said its about me for this hour, so concern myself with me. One thing I think she needs to learn that if its about my kid, it IS about me. How can I be content and happy if I am not sure if I am doing right by him???? What if making him slave over homework every night because he tries to get by without doing it at all isn't the right thing? (yeah, I know, it makes sense to me to teach him he can't just NOT do stuff, but I have been reading about ADD, and holy cripes. I just don't know some days.) He has had 4 days of late stay so far. He has to stay and work with the behavior specialist from school till 6 pm on those days. He was only supposed to have 3, but he snuck out and onto the bus the first day he was supposed to stay, so I took him back to school and we scheduled another night as well. Yesterday he was supposed to stay in and work during lunch, but went outside instead, so she scheduled another late stay for Monday. I told him he is only making it harder on himself by trying to get by without doing what he is supposed to do. I feel like its tough love, and I try to not let him know I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I didn't do homework when I was a kid either. Its a deep dark secret I can't admit to him. I had to spend some recesses in too, but by myself. I remember roaming around the room the whole time they were outside playing. See, they thought they were punishing me, but I didn't like going outside. LOL. The joke was on them. I still am not a big fan of the outdoors. There is so much to entertain me in the house. (Not a good thing, I know.)

Anyway, classes are still crap. I am still doing ok in math, which suprises me. Its doable, so I will just have to keep on keepin on.
Oh, I told the 12 year old intern therapist (not really, she is very sweet and seems like she knows what she is doing. Cute and perky, but not obnoxiously so. People just look so YOUNG to me these days.) that I feel bad over not feeling bad about the ex b'f. I haven't shed a tear for me, but feel bad that my son doesn't have a guy around now. Since the breakup I have been sleeping better, going to bed earlier and not getting up in the wee hours of the morning for a couple of hours and going back to bed. Its like he never existed. It sure says something to me about how much I cared over the last 3 and whatever years. (3 1/2 give or take a week or 2 I think.) I do feel bad for him and wonder if he is unemployed yet, and what he is doing about it, but I think thats just the mother in me. He can't take care of himself very well, and will probably sit in the house feeling sorry for himself and cussing me for my drinking ways and how now I probably have all these men parading through my house. LOL

Well, its time to hit the gazelle and get showered and dressed. It has to happen sometime.
God bless, and have a great day. :)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Which is it?

Success and failure would seem to most to be the opposite end of the spectrum. Right now they seem so close to me that I can't tell the difference. I read an article this morning asking the question if you are sabotaging your success. Ummmmmmmm, yeah. I find myself doing this. I know I have been afraid to lose weight and get in better shape for a long time. If I do, I might attract men again, and this leads to putting myself out there and possibly getting hurt again. Thats a no brainer. I am still working on the losing weight though. I am going to be job hunting soon and need to look and feel better.

I am doing poorly in school this semester. I am doing more playing games online than I am homework. I know I am sabotaging my classes. I am afraid. What if I am not good at my chosen profession? I find it confusing. Its not like I thought it would be. I knew it would be hard, and I have to get out of my comfort zone, but did I take on too much? Maybe I would have been better off sitting on my ass all day, doing telemarketing or something. Nope. I wasn't good at that either. I couldn't sell magazines to old ladies on a fixed income.

I am supposed to be doing my math now. I have class in a few hours, and it takes me 45 minutes to get there. I have been playing solitare. Then I read the article. I have to change things. I need to work harder and smarter and concentrate on my goals. All of them. I need to be doing that instead of sitting here in the middle of the morning in my nightgown eating mac and cheese when I should be showered, math done, reading on the chapter for tomorrow. I gotta go.

God Bless, and pray for all the underconfident people you know. It could be me.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Another week and a half...

and my parents are moving to the new place. I hope they like it, but we will miss them a lot. I told a few friends about the place, and one family that I told came over to take a look. They are a nice family. 5 kids, and the dad works full time and goes to school. The mom was going to school, and thats where I met her at. The dad was in one of my classes, and fixed a computer for a friend of mine. She is a stay at home mom for the time being, but plans on going back and finishing school. One of the boys has a health problem and they thought he was going to have to go to Chicago for extensive surgery, but they think a better option may have been found with less healing time and better mobility for him. And its closer to home, so thats a good thing. My parents said today that they had talked to their creditor, and the only problem was that they need a foundation underneath, so they are going to be sending some people out for estimates. I know my kid would love it if they moved next door. He wants someone in the neighborhood to play with so badly. I think it would be a good thing for all of us. I told the mom I felt bad I wasn't keeping up with them as well as I should, but explained about how school is such a pita right now. She understands. Her hubby is a dj for parties, and works full time in a factory besides. She said he graduates in May and they can't wait. I think that will be great for them. He should get a good promotion out of the deal I would think.

I am supposed to be working on homework thats due tomorrow. I hate school. I like going, but I hate homework, and I hate walking out the door feeling dumber than I did when I walked in. Today in math she asked me what I would do first to solve a problem she put on the board. My mind worked furiously for a moment wondering if I should say something smart ass, or just answer. I took the answer way out. Luckily it was an easy one, and I knew. I really hate it when I don't know. I am almost to the point where I need a tutor. I will see how the homework goes for that class after I get tomorrow over with.

Kidlet didn't have school today. He went with me. We took our newly aquired truck. Kidlet took his dvd player and was thrilled that we have a cigarette lighter that works. He didn't have to use his battery power all the way there and back. The windows even roll up and down. Even the drivers side. I am not used to that. Its refreshing. The radio really sucks though. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Then the clock will go in and out, and you can't tell where the channel is on the radio. I finally got my favorite station programmed in today by starting at the front of the dial and going till I heard a familliar voice. Not a good thing to do when its raining mixed with snow. Oh well, its done now. :) If thats the biggest problem I have, I will count my blessings. (at least till I have to drive the whole trip with no radio. Then I will cuss it, then count my blessings.) I better get the homework done. Yeee hawww.

God bless.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Let it go!

I hope to aspire to this someday.....

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
away from you:
let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us
that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you
something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......


If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....


If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....


If someone has angered you ........


If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......


If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......


If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ....


If you have a bad attitude.......


If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......


If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......


If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......


If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......


Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for


Get Right or Get Left. Think about it, and then ....


"The Battle is the Lord's!"

God Bless.