Friday, March 17, 2006

Time sure flies when you are busy....

I can't believe its been so long since I posted. I am trying to bring my grades up, my parents are moving tomorrow, and I went to what I thought was my first therapy session last week. Turned out its still part of the paperwork. ??? Anyway, she said we should be done filling out all the forms after my next appointment. Good thing I am not suicidal. LOL. She asked me if I ever thought of hurting myself. I laughed and almost said, "I am depressed, not crazy." But instead went with the "nope. I am too busy and have too many responsibilities, and it never occured to me." I don't think I am going to mention that I used to pray every night that God would take me as I slept. He hasn't yet, and now I have a son that I don't want to be motherless. I think I must be here for a reason, I just don't know what.
To me this depression thing is a bump in the road, I am just tired of the long ass freakin bump it has become. Too many changes too fast, a kid who can't be trusted to tell me the truth, my parents moving, the need of a job, and the ending of my funding for school in September. I told the girl, (turned out she isn't a full blown therapist, she is an intern, which is fine.) that one of the things I want to do is find out how to deal with my son, his school, and his ADD. She said its about me for this hour, so concern myself with me. One thing I think she needs to learn that if its about my kid, it IS about me. How can I be content and happy if I am not sure if I am doing right by him???? What if making him slave over homework every night because he tries to get by without doing it at all isn't the right thing? (yeah, I know, it makes sense to me to teach him he can't just NOT do stuff, but I have been reading about ADD, and holy cripes. I just don't know some days.) He has had 4 days of late stay so far. He has to stay and work with the behavior specialist from school till 6 pm on those days. He was only supposed to have 3, but he snuck out and onto the bus the first day he was supposed to stay, so I took him back to school and we scheduled another night as well. Yesterday he was supposed to stay in and work during lunch, but went outside instead, so she scheduled another late stay for Monday. I told him he is only making it harder on himself by trying to get by without doing what he is supposed to do. I feel like its tough love, and I try to not let him know I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I didn't do homework when I was a kid either. Its a deep dark secret I can't admit to him. I had to spend some recesses in too, but by myself. I remember roaming around the room the whole time they were outside playing. See, they thought they were punishing me, but I didn't like going outside. LOL. The joke was on them. I still am not a big fan of the outdoors. There is so much to entertain me in the house. (Not a good thing, I know.)

Anyway, classes are still crap. I am still doing ok in math, which suprises me. Its doable, so I will just have to keep on keepin on.
Oh, I told the 12 year old intern therapist (not really, she is very sweet and seems like she knows what she is doing. Cute and perky, but not obnoxiously so. People just look so YOUNG to me these days.) that I feel bad over not feeling bad about the ex b'f. I haven't shed a tear for me, but feel bad that my son doesn't have a guy around now. Since the breakup I have been sleeping better, going to bed earlier and not getting up in the wee hours of the morning for a couple of hours and going back to bed. Its like he never existed. It sure says something to me about how much I cared over the last 3 and whatever years. (3 1/2 give or take a week or 2 I think.) I do feel bad for him and wonder if he is unemployed yet, and what he is doing about it, but I think thats just the mother in me. He can't take care of himself very well, and will probably sit in the house feeling sorry for himself and cussing me for my drinking ways and how now I probably have all these men parading through my house. LOL

Well, its time to hit the gazelle and get showered and dressed. It has to happen sometime.
God bless, and have a great day. :)

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