Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My birthday....

was yesterday. :) I changed it in my profile a little early since I was gomming around in there anyway. (spell check doesn't like that word, but it's the only way I know to spell it. LOL) I am officially 48 years old. Wow. I am still 5 years older than my sister, and 5 years younger than my brother, so I guess its not that big of a deal. It was nice. Every time my son didn't want to do what I did, or just be hateful, I looked at him and said "but its my birthday." He said I can't use that excuse forever. It worked for a day, which was good enough for me. Hahaha.

We went to see Harry Potter. We were going to go Friday, but my childhood friend called and wanted us to go with her to "big city" to celebrate and she had an errand to do. Her situation influenced my decision to start a blog, as my first post was written about her and losing her daughter to a drunk driver. She is still having so many problems dealing with it, and I completely understand. No one realizes how precious life is till its lost. She started a local chapter of Compassionate Friends, and I am working on a web page for them. She just has to get it ok'd through the group. She was my birthing coach when my son was born, and she sponsors him in Taekwondo. She has the most heart of any person I know.

Anyway, we had a great day in the city. Actually, it was an afternoon. She dropped me and the munchkin off at the bookstore, and went to her appointment. My son only wanted the expensive little kits you can get, where you can build a dinosaur, or a hornet, or a cardboard Hogwarts that consists of over 250 pieces of card board. I finally showed him the madlibs, and got him one of those. He LOVED it. I got a book by Teresa Tapp on exercising the t-tapp way. The girls on the message board I go to swear by it. People who have mobility problems can even use it, so when my knee goes out on me again, I should be ok. My friend and I had a lot of good discussions, and it was great to see her. She lives over an hour away, so we can't get together very often. She has been so sick and they are still trying to find out exactly whats wrong. (they know it deals with the pancreas, but nothing they are trying is working.) She has always been ultra sensitive, and I think the biggest problem is the broken heart. She is working on healing, but I don't know if a person can every really completely heal from a loss like that. We have been friends since the 2nd grade, and its great. She knows everything I have been through, so when we talk I don't have to explain too much. She knows my background. I know her background. We can talk in shorthand, so we get a lot more covered that way. Its so nice to find someone that UNDERSTANDS.

Back to yesterday: I got two birthday cards yesterday. One from my sister, and one from a friend. It was nice to get them. I never remind anyone its my birthday (except for my kid. LOL) so its nice when they remember on their own. I had an email from the friend that sent me the b'day card when I got up. I know she hit the network because within hours I had a phone call from one and an email from another friend wishing me a happy birthday. LOL. I asked her if she "reminded" anyone, and she acted shocked. LOL. Thats ok. I love her all the more for it.

After mail call, we went to the new Harry Potter movie. It was good, but it was the first one that I had read the book first. I kept watching for the things in the book to happen, and I was disappointed. I will still read the last book before the movie comes out, so I hope I'm not disappointed in it as well. I hope they are working on the next one now. I haven't heard anything, but I'm not obsessed with it either. (well, not much.) After we left the movie, I had a gift on my car from the small town we go to the movies in. I had my first parking ticket in over 25 years. LOL. When I had parked, I was afraid that the truck behind me wouldn't be able to get out, so I pulled a couple of feet up. When I read the ticket, I was pulled up about 2 feet into the yellow line. Geesh. $10 I could have spent elsewhere. See where being nice gets me!!!!! We went and paid it, then went to Taekwondo. The kid tests tomorrow for his next belt. He is doing very well.

Anyway, it was an enjoyable day. I am still getting hits on eHarmony. I can't respond, still. I get about 7 or 8 new matches every day, and about 4 "close match" notices. No big deal. It may not be just the fat picture, but I would make a wager its the biggest reason. Their loss. I am a dynamo in the sack, and they will never know. HAhahahahahaha

Time for Scrubs. Good night, and God Bless.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Can you believe I am blogging so soon???

I'm getting comments, so I get to respond. YAY! Thanks Bettejo for giving me fodder for another post. :)

I just changed my profile to say "A single mom".... instead of "just a single mom".... (the last . is really a period. LOL) It was pointed out to me that it sounds negative. When I first started this blog, I didn't know what to put there. I am just a single mom, not some political pundit, not some major journalist, or even a journalist wannabe. I knew my blog would deal with being a mom, being single, being frustrated, etc. I figured I would weed out the ones who expected more. I hate to disappoint, so I figure they know right off what my blog is going to be about. I think it sounds negative, because most of the time I feel negative. I have been depressed for so long, I don't even think about it anymore. When my friends whine and carry on about the horrible things they are going through, I listen, give sympathy, but don't let them know how I really feel. The horrible things they usually talk about is that their boss is a jerk, so they had a bad day, or they ran out of gas in the lawn mower and had to go to town and it messed up their whole schedule. Boo freakin hoo. No one died, no one got hurt. I listen, because I know how important it is to have someone listen to you. I console well, when I have the patience and its not something totally stupid. I never say things like "its no big deal", I say things like "they were probably having a bad day. Maybe after they get some rest, and YOU get some rest, tomorrow may be a totally better day."

Terrible things happen to good people. Thats a fact. I am a good person. I have had bad things happen to me. No one really wants to hear about it. I don't think I have had " closure" over a lot of things in my past that still affect me. Therefore, anything good that happens you can lose in a heartbeat. That's always my fear. Some days when my son gets on the school bus, I am always afraid I will never see him again. You just never know.

I have had a lot of negativity in my life. I was never "picked" last on a team in school. I was the only one left. I was always the fattest kid in school. My family was one of the poorest in town, and it seemed like everyone knew it. When my mom passed away when I was 10, I felt like an orphan, since she was the only parent I could talk to.

Even today. I signed up with an online dating thing last night, just to see. I got about 10 matches, so I read the profiles, but didn't decide to contact anyone, but see what happened. I made sure my picture was viewable before any contact was made. They recommend you show photos after contact, but I thought they should see what they are dealing with before that. I am fat. (or phat. LOL) I know there are a lot of fat haters out there. I don't want to deal with that as well, so I let them see the photo. When I woke up this morning, I had 4 "close contact" notices. I read the reasons, and one was "rather not say", others said things like "would rather keep looking", etc. There was one who asked me some questions, but if I want to answer him I have to pay up. Its $60 for one month, or $110 for 3 months. Well, with no income, I am afraid to take a chance risking the money. If I had a job, I would probably go the 3 month option, just to give it more time. The guy that asked the questions is 59, and I don't know how he would deal with a 10 year old anyway. I am torn. I will have to think on it for a bit.

Anyway, thats a taste of why I get negative. I try to put all my negativity here, so I don't expose my friends and family to it. It pours out of me, and lets me vent, then I go on about my day.

I edited my profile, and took out "just". Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes being single is better than the alternative. ;)

Thanks for the concern. I try to be more positive in my daily life. Like my profile mentions, I do this so I don't alienate my friends. They don't want to hear it.

God bless.

Saturday, July 07, 2007


Ok, it was only $3.00. But thats better than nothing, right? LOL. I only play about once a month, but I bought my new ticket as well. G even found the gamecube game he had been wanting at the convenience store when we went to pick up pizza. (Thats where I buy my tickets). I thought it was our lucky day, since the game was cheaper than we had ever seen it. We had to get it from the cashier, which is where we were sorely disappointed. He picked up the right box (gamecube) off the shelf. I paid for it, and when she went to find the game, she handed me one for playstation. :( G didn't get his game after all. I am going to keep looking for it. I had already given him the lecture of how he was going to have to pay me back, yada yada yada. A wasted lecture. I hate when that happens. At least I won $3.00!

I applied for another job today. That makes 2 applications in this week. I am thinking I need to set a goal of 3 apps a week. It sounds like a good goal. I just wish one of them would call and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. A friend of mine works at a local plant. She says I would love it there. The only trouble is, during the summer they work a ton of mandatory overtime. She said they have been working 7-7. Not good with a kid. She said during the winter you might get off at noon or 1ish. It just depends on the day. She said when you go to work, you never know when you are going to be leaving. It would be different if I had a partner, or if my parents still lived next door. Even then I don't think I would do it. (parents, anyway, partner, maybe)

My kid needs to be raised by me, not by my parents. Yikes! They are part of the reason I am so messed up. I figure my first responsibility is to my kid. Being the only parent he has, I can't take any job, at least not till he is older and self sufficient. Being a man-child, he doesn't want to be self sufficient, and fights me every step of the way. (My pb&j's taste SO MUCH better than his, etc.) He won't wake up with the alarm. He doesn't hear it at all. I will watch him when it goes off, and he doesn't even flinch. Also, I don't trust him for over an hour on his own. Coming home from school and me getting here an hour later would be ok, but not much longer. My neighbor said she would keep an eye on him on days like that, but she isn't always home.

I would like to find a job with regular hours, and not "scheduling." I am ADD enough to need a consistent schedule I can follow. Enough about work. (or lack of)

The diet is going "ok." I am only down 1/2 lb. this week. I really need to exercise more. (I say "more" laughlingly, because I just plain need to EXERCISE.) I bought some low carb ice cream and ice cream bars, and although they were both yummy, I have no portion control when it comes to that. I'm not getting anymore. I have an icee machine, so if I need a frozen treat I can make an icee with DaVinci syrup. That stuff is awesome! I need to get back to my flax muffins too. They help me feel full, and also help other things. :eek: I feel so much better in my jeans now. They are loose and it feels great instead of being stuffed into them with a muffin top. I can almost take them off without unfastening them. YAY!!!

I am really missing the company of men. I miss talking to them. At least in school I was surrounded by men. Being in the techy program helped a lot with that. I feel really secluded now, and just wish I had some male contact. One of my friends kind of freaked me out awhile back. Her husband was in one of my classes. I had met her before in tutoring, then found out that is the husband she was talking about. I went to visit her one day, and he was home. We started talking about computers, and she said "honey, there is the woman for you. She knows all about that stuff." I was embarrassed. She said that he wants to talk about that stuff a lot, and she has no idea and doesn't care to learn. He gets excited over stuff she has no clue over. He was embarrassed too, I could tell. Now I don't feel comfortable going over there. They are very happily married, and have 5 kids. When she said that it floored me. I'm sure it was done in jest, but it made me uncomfortable. I am sure not the type to be a homewrecker, especially since it happened to me.

Time to get out and mow the yard. God Bless, and have an awesome day!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Keep me in your prayers....

I'm going to go apply for a job in the morning. Its an office job. It's right next door to the place I used to work, so the drive would be ideal, since when I bought this house I had planned to retire at the place I was working. The job consists of customer service, typing, and data entry. I can do those. I feel pretty confident about my skills in those. A friend had called me and told me it was in the paper. I made a mistake however. :( The friend of mine who is working on her internship also gets the paper, and is more computer savvy than the person that called me about the job. I emailed my computer savvy friend (putting it loosely, because she still can't figure out why she can't change things on a cd once she burns it and its read only.) Anyway, I asked her if she could email me the ad from the newspaper. The response I got was that she typed it out because she didn't want to cut it out because her husband hadn't read the paper yet. I don't know if she thought it would make it invisible if she scanned it, or what. I've seen her scanner, and she could lay the whole paper on it, but I digress. She said it looked like a good job, and she might apply too. WHAT?????? Any time she has told me about a job she planned on applying for, I never did because she found it first. Now, if she applies, and gets the job, I will probably never speak to her again. I thought it was a courtesy thing, but I guess it was just a courtesy on my end. I am so angry with her right now for even suggesting that she go for it.
I waited awhile, so I could calm down. I then emailed her back that I hope they had more than one position open if she was going to apply too. She got unemployment 16 weeks longer than I did. She has a husband that makes good money. She has a son that lives at home that works. I haven't had income since my internship, which was less than $80 a week. That was in Dec. when that ended. I have been living off of (what was supposed to be) my retirement. I NEED THIS JOB!

I pray that I get it. I pray its the one God wants me to have. I pray that if this isn't it, I find the one soon that He wants me to have. I don't want to go through all my savings. I hate living paycheck to paycheck, and never having enough. My car isn't going to last forever. My son needs clothes. At the rate I am losing weight, I need clothes too. My "friend" acts like she has it worse than anyone else on the planet, and it drives me crazy. I have to remind her to be grateful for what she has. She has a husband who loves her and does anything she asks of him, and then some. They went to Hawaii for over a week. Then she complains about not having enough money. GIVE ME A BREAK! They only buy brand new vehicles, never used. They have a beautiful home.

I pray for my friend also. She really needs counseling. She has so many issues, but she won't go. (Thats one of her issues. She thinks they are all quacks.) I had an excellent counselor. But my friend thinks when you go to a counselor its because you are crazy. I'm not crazy. Just pissed at the moment. I am concerned about being able to support myself and my son.

Anyway, off of my soapbox. Please pray I get a job soon. This job or not. I want God to lead me. If they call, fine, if not, I hope He sends something else my way, soon. Thanks. God Bless.