Sunday, December 17, 2006

The next chapter...

Well, I am a college graduate. No pomp and circumstance, but I had a hard time leaving campus Friday. I was planning on working a couple of hours my last day but got invited to a free breakfast, so I went there instead. I went in to get my "stuff" and say bye, but only 3 people were in the office. I really enjoyed working with them, but I didn't feel like me and my boss "jived." I heard he is a hard person to get to know, but it just didn't feel right. Anyway, now I have to find a REAL job.

I always hate finding a new job. All the insecurities come up to the surface. Why would they want to hire me? Would I want to hire me? I think I have an excellent work ethic, which amazes me when I don't see it in others. When I grew up, everyone worked hard. Now I don't see that so much. I know when I started working in the factory (that ended up going to Mexico) you worked hard, and weren't allowed to talk unless you could keep working. It got more lax, and more lax, and before long you had people who didn't really seem to do much of anything except talk. I try to give an honest days work for an honest days pay. One problem I had in the office I was working in was that they had a hard time keeping me busy. I was getting paid to do a job, but didn't really have much of a job to do. I answered phones for help desk, and did a few other things as they came in. I was trying to teach myself some of the software I got to use so I would be more useful, but felt guilty for opening the book. I think I was the only one that bothered, but its the kind of stuff I do at home, the self-teaching stuff. So, I would hire me because I am a good, dedicated worker. I don't like to get into office politics. I would hire me for help desk. I would hire me for factory work. I wouldn't hire me as a net admin, which is what my degree is in. I hated it. I got locked into it, but don't like it at all.

I am hoping and praying I find the perfect fit. I am scared to death. I am going to take a little break before I start hitting the pavement looking for a job though. My son has 2 days left of school and then they are on Christmas break. I really can't afford to take a break, but the last few days have been great not having homework. I had over 200 emails in my inbox yesterday morning that I just didn't have time to deal with before. I have it down to 89 now. The house is slowly but surely getting cleaner. It looks better, smells better, and I feel better about it in general. It's weird putting up all of my school stuff. I plan on taking classes on down the road, but feel like I need to get the job thing lined up first. I am going to have to pay for classes now, and I sure don't want to have to drop a class when I get a job. I am hoping I can find something that works with my sons schedule well. I know I will have to get a sitter for days he doesn't have school, and summer. He isn't looking forward to that. I need to find something full time. I am scared.

God bless, and keep me in your prayers.

Friday, November 24, 2006

After the meltdown

Well, after yesterday I feel better. I got all the crybaby stuff out of the way. At least till it happens again. Anyway, I got a perm this morning and I feel different. That can be a good thing. My son doesn't like it, but its going to take some getting used to. I told him I am an old lady so its time I started having to do my hair all the time like an old lady. He told me to get out of the 60's and back to 2006. LOL. It really doesn't look bad, and I needed a change. I was tired of flat hair.

We worked in the yard this afternoon. It was a beautiful day and I had never mowed that last time it needed it. I mowed and shoved all the leaves around into piles, so tomorrow we plan on burning them if its not windy. Its supposed to be nice. We were invited to my aunts house for another Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't know if we will go or not. I have been a bad girl and have taken a holiday from homework. I have 17 files due for Adv. Software Monday, and then another batch on Wednesday, plus my 4th and final paper for history is due on Wednesday. (or Tuesday. I am afraid to look.) I may decide to get back in the groove tomorrow and start getting some of it knocked down. I feel better when I get it out of the way so I don't have to worry about it. I have to go to campus every day next week, so I need to get it out of the way while I have time. I have made notes for my paper, so at least its a start. LOL.

I better git. I just came in today to change over to the new version of blogger, and wanted to see what all had been changed.

God Bless.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I don't know what to name this post.

Gee, aren't I inventive today. I had a list of things I wanted to discuss, but got here and drew a blank. Where to start?

We had Thanksgiving at my neices house today. Her baby girl is growing by leaps and bounds and is a beauty. We had a good time. The boys had a great time playing together. I got to talk to my brother a little bit. I miss him. We used to be close, but that seems eons ago. I guess it was. He has been married now for over 25 years. Wow. Anyway,the conversation started about our grandmother. She has given up and is waiting to die. She is in a nursing home, laying flat on her back. She doesn't read, she doesn't watch her programs, she just lays there. They make her go to the dining room to eat, but thats it. Then we started talking about Dad being sick, and then we started talking about Mom. I miss her still terribly. She was my best friend, my confidant. Dad told my brother that sometimes when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can't breath, and he know thats how he is going to die. He is ready to go to Heaven and see everyone, but its the rest of the journey there that scares him. Someone told him that with the disease he has that he will just slowly suffocate. I didn't know it, but my brother saw my mom the night before she died. He said every breath she took put her in such pain it was awful to watch. I didn't even know he saw her that night. All of us kids were spread out, my sister was at the babysitters, I was at the ministers house, and I thought he was at my aunts. But he was there. He got to see her. He said he didn't tell her bye because he still didn't think she was going to die. After talking with the minister and finding out she WAS going to die, I prayed all night long that I could talk to her one last time, but it didn't happen.
I am sitting here bawling like a baby. I am too old to be doing this. I was bawling while we were talking. I am 47 years old and still miss my mommy. Sometimes I think I am made of stone and have no feelings at all, and then I melt down like this. My brother said that Mom had said she had seen Jesus, and she knew what her purpose had been, and she was ready to go, and she did. Wow. I felt so selfish wanting her back knowing she would be hurting. I was 10, needed a mom, not a stepmother who treated us like we were intruders into her life. I am glad that finally changed, but it wasn't until years later. We get along ok now. She is taking excellent care of my dad, and thats what matters.

Time to change subjects. I saw a wonderful movie this evening. I finally got to see The Lake House with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It was wonderful. It was about love spanning time and growing. Its hard to explain, but it was done beautifully. I guess you could say I liked the movie. LOL. I won't put any spoilers in here, but I think every romantic ought to see it. It gives me hope that there is true love out there.

I need to close and go to bed. I am getting a perm in the morning, hoping it will make me feel better. I think I have put all the weight back on that I took off, and need something to perk me up.

Good night, and God Bless. Make sure your loved ones know they are, and make sure and count your blessings.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Counting down

Well, trying not too. That means the safety of school will be over, and I have to get back to the real world. I want to cuddle under the blankies and sleep through the process of me getting a job, and just wake up when I am established again.

One of my instructors realized he put 2 different due dates on our paper that was due, so he moved it to the second date. YAY! That gives me an extra 5 days, so we are going back to the microfilm at the library today. That is addicting, and I think I could spend hours down there. One of my other instructors had posted that there were two assignments due Monday, but (thank God!) there turned out to be only one. She dropped an assignment and turned it into extra credit, so I am going to try to get that done as well. Its not due till the day before Thanksgiving, so thats a great thing. I might actually get it done.

The meeting on Thursday went "ok." The new school psychologist was my instructor for algebra before I started going to school full time. I'm not sure if its a good thing, or a bad thing. She knows her math, thats for sure. But I think if we were left in a room together for too long, it wouldn't be pretty. Nothing specific, just a feeling I have. I had that feeling when she was my instructor, not just because she is holding part of my sons future in her hands. She made the comment that his fine motor skills were awful (at least thats the word I, as a mother, heard) but yet he can put model cars together. He can write nicely when he wants to, but he is so busy trying to beat everyone else at all costs, it doesn't matter the spelling or whether anyone can read it or not. He drives me crazy that way. He gets "done" so he can move on to the next thing he wants to do. He tries getting the crappy school stuff (that doesn't matter anyway, in his mind) out of the way so he can do what he wants. By doing that, he loses more time to be able to do what he wants as he sits in the deans office. He will have Saturday school again a week from today. It drives me BATS!

Anyway, I thought I would just check in, whine a little, and then get on with my day. Its almost lunch time and I haven't gotten dressed yet. Have a great one!

God Bless.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

It's been awhile

Life can get so hectic sometimes. I have been working a job, working on homework, working on my son, and even working in my sleep. (at least it feels that way.)

I will be done with school in about 5 weeks. They are doubling up on homework, and I have a paper due this week as well. I researched the paper yesterday, and even though it won't fit the criteria completely, it should at least get me some credit. I also have to read a book and do a review of the book, not a report. Cripes. So much to do and so little time. I bet the few who read this thought I had passed on or something. Its hard to believe I started writing daily, and now I skipped the whole month of October. I think thats the first time that has happened. 5 more weeks and the semester will be over, and I will be a college graduate. YAY. Sort of. LOL. I am always afraid of the unknown, I like ruts. School is getting to be a rut for me, kind of. Although it changes a lot, its what I have known for 2 years now. Then it will be time for me to let go of the tether and find a job in the real world. I could apply for a job where I am doing my internship, and I may consider that. There are a few problems with that, in that its only part time work, which I need full time, and I am not trained in some of the most important duties I would have. They would have to take me "in training" which I can get by with as an intern. I don't know if they would consider me or not. I am not sure the boss likes me, but the girl I work with says he is short like that with everyone till they work there for quite awhile. So I dunno. If I can't find a full time gig, I would consider it. As it stands right now, I am barely making gas money. Thats not a good thing. Money for bills would be nice.

The kid is still getting in trouble at school. I have a meeting with (it seems like) the whole faculty on Thursday. I am not looking forward to it. I just found out Friday, so I called his counselor to see if she can come too. The more the merrier! She isn't in the office on Friday's, so she won't get the message till tomorrow. I hope she can come. I really need the support. I met with the school counselor the other day. He said that G is very advanced for his age, and he is probably bored. I know he is very advanced, but you would think he would have figured out how to quit spending so many Saturdays at school, but getting his work done. I am going to make an appointment with the dr. to see about changing his meds. I don't know if that would help, but I sure don't think it would hurt.

Life keeps rolling along. I still don't have an mp3 player, still don't have time to work out at the gym. I have been taking homework with me to read. It never ends. At least not for the next 5 weeks. Than magically, it will be OVER. Crap. Sort of bittersweet. I love learning. I just want to be able to absorb all I am trying to learn. I still want to take classes, but now I will have to pay for them myself. I have to get a job, so I can't go full time, so I don't think I qualify for scholarships for part time. Since I will have a degree, I don't think I will qualify for the IMap grant or the Pell grant. I will have to find out for sure.

I better get to the homework. I am still trying to be a mom and told the kid we would go to the show this afternoon. God Bless.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Boogie On

I don't know why that is stuck in my head. I haven't heard anyone say it, but its there and that is that.

The UPS guy got here with my new toy already. I almost named this post "Disappointment" but didn't. The display isn't working on it at all. I already have it ready to send back. I am glad I actually tried it before I hacked off all of the stuff for the rebate. The directions are written by someone who has something other than English for their primary language. Surely they could have someone who is a little more fluent proof read these things for market in the states, at least. Ok, enough of my anal retentive rant, but honestly, if they want me to buy it, make the directions understandable. I am not returning it for that reason though. I could have figured it out without the directions if the display would have worked. :(

I am taking this as a sign that I really can't afford one right now, and if the price is too good to be true, there is a reason for it.

I got todays homework done and turned in. :) YAY. I installed another MS program, Project 2003, for a class. I am getting updates to Office right now. It is going to take me over 10 hours to download all the updates I need. (damn dialup) but I am going to do them one at a time. This one should take about 4 hours, so the rest should be a piece of cake.

Yall have a great day.

God bless, and boogie on. :)

It's FRIDAY

Ok, the days all tend to run together, but I didn't have a better title. The kid has detention tomorrow because of homework issues, so its going to be like a regular schoolday for him. He gets to sit in one room, doing homework for 6 hours. He gets a few breaks, but then they are back at it. I have to send lunch with him.

I discussed the homework issue with his counselor the other day during their session. (sometimes I get invited in.) I told her I had a problem to discuss, and he said he didn't want me coming in. She said she wanted to hear what I had to say, and then they would kick me out of the room. After we got there, she asked him first what he thought I was going to say, so he went through the whole homework thing, and how awful I am because I don't know how hard school is. HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am the one sitting there doing homework while he is in Taekwondo. I am the one taking reading in whenever we have appointments we are waiting for. He sees me doing homework all the time, but thinks I don't have a clue. Then he proceeded to tell her how awful I am because I take away tv, friends coming over, etc. She told him that it sounds like I am doing my job. Its his responsibility to earn privileges, not a right. She asked him who controls whether he gets tv or not, and he finally saw the light I have been trying to shine in his eyes since the whole not-doing-homework ordeal began. She sure knows how to explain it better than I do, and I just get so freakin angry, and that doesn't help matters. He told her how I yell at him about it, and she said "I am sure your mom is just so frustrated, and its hard for her to handle" or something to that effect. I am so glad he has her for a counselor. It doesn't excuse my yelling at him, but lets him understand why I do it. I am trying to fix it. I think if he can keep their conversation in his mind (of which I can remind him of) I can keep calmer and let him know that if he doesn't get his homework done, its his fault what the consequences are. I really do feel responsible when he doesn't get his homework done, like I am doing something wrong, even though I know I am doing the best that I know how to motivate him. Its his problem though, not mine. I am just so tired of looking like (and feeling like) a bad parent. I can still hear the voices in my head of my brother saying "My kids were never that way. I just beat their ass and they straightened up." Well, I am happy his kids were perfect. Spanking doesn't affect him at all. He would rather get a spankin than stand in the corner. He hates having to stand still for any period of time. God love him, my son is a unique individual, and I love him to pieces. He is my heart and my soul, and I would wither and die without him. He is definitely a challange, but it makes the victories all the sweeter.

The job is going well. We went around campus the other day asking if any faculty or staff needed help with anything. I had to ask the instructor that got me the job. I was afraid he was going to ask me a networking question just to test me, but he didn't. Whewwwwwwwww. Anyway, I went in nooks and crannies on campus I didn't even know they had. I met a lot of people I had seen on campus. I think I will get more comfortable the more contact I have with them. I get intimidated easily, so its been an experience. I have 1/5 of my internship done, so thats getting done and I am feeling a sense of accomplishment. Now if I can get comfortable in my new skin, it will be a good thing.

I will rant sometimes in the future about one of my classes. I will let the suspense build. LOL Actually, I get angry when I think about it, so I don't want to relive it at this moment. I need to get in the shower and get back to Attila the Huns homework thats due tonight, then start on Monday's assignment for her. Luckily I will get Wednesdays done before Sunday is over, so I can work on Fridays. Yeah, thats all going to be a small part of my rant. You can only wonder what the rest will be. Exciting reading, I am sure.

I am excited. I ordered me an Mp3 player night before last and its supposed to be here TODAY. :) He should be here around 4 pm, so I will have a new toy to play with. YAY. I can even use it to record my classes. I have my recorder for that, so it depends on how much room I have after I get my music on it. Yall have an awesome day.
For some reason, I just have to say "Boogie On". I tried to skip it, but it must need to be said.

God Bless. And Boogie On!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I have a job!

Its a work study job, but it pays some. I am glad to be working on my internship now. I started Tuesday. Its on campus, so thats a good thing too. Its only 10-15 hours a week, for now. I only worked 2 hours Tuesday, but plan on working more tomorrow. Its in an office and the people seem really nice. I am excited. I will find out more of my duties and stuff tomorrow. I get to answer phones, and help people troubleshoot tech problems. :) I know, it sounds like heaven to me. Even though I have helped a lot of my friends and stuff, I am now doubting my ability to help anyone, so I have that hurdle to cross. I know its just the rejection/not good enough for anything deal from the job I thought I was going to retire from. This is my first job since then, when I had lost all the self-confidence I had. It doesn't make sense, but its the way I feel, and the way a lot of the people that worked with me felt when they laid us all off. It really has nothing to do with us personally about our jobs going to Mexico, it has to do with the greedy company powers-that-be who want to drive around in their Hummers. Who cares whether the economy in the states goes belly up as long as they have $6 mil in the bank? (that was the total of stock dollars the president of our company sold in company stock before he retired, or so I was told.)

ANYWAY, life goes on, whether we want it to or not. I am still studying my butt off, but haven't been to the gym for me in awhile to work my butt off. Its still there, bigger than life. I have gotten off track where the weight loss deal is concerned. The Biggest Loser came back on last night for the new season, so I am taping them to get the motivation factor back.

I have to write a paper that is due tomorrow night. I have the research, but haven't written anything. They called it "C fever" in a meeting I went to yesterday. When you have priority A stuff to do, you end up finding priority C stuff for some reason is more doable. Gee, maybe thats why I am blogging instead of writing? Ok, I best get on it. I have to WORK (yay!!!!) all day tomorrow, so I won't be able to work on it then, and I don't want to be glued to the computer tomorrow night because of a paper being written. I would rather be playing Pogo. (Sounds like I need to make a T-shirt to that effect!)

Have a good one.

God Bless, and thanks for the job prayers. :)

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

And the bitchiness continues.....

I was doing better. Really. Of course, it doesn't take much to get the ball rolling again. I have a rant, a pet peeve, an injustice, a dumbing down of America RANT.

I am in college. Its a Jr. college, which some people act like doesn't count. They seem to think its a glorified high school. They would be wrong. I work very hard to get the grades I get. It doesn't come easy to me. I am in some advanced classes now, and they weren't kidding. I have Attila the Hun for Advanced Software apps, Thank GOD I like it, and it comes pretty easy to me. Its just getting the massive amount of work done she wants turned in EVERY THREE DAYS.

My other online class is History of Illinois. Now is where my rant comes in. Most of my online classes have been more technically related, so I haven't had to deal much with the general ed side of things. Not so now. I have noticed, particularly in the males compared to volume, that they either don't care, or don't know, how to write complete sentences. One guy left crucial words out of every sentence. This is for a grade. They don't use punctuation, capital letters, or common freakin sense. Apparently, no one taught them the difference between "no" and "know." I no what they mean. Cripes. These are supposed to be people that are getting prepared to enter the workplace as viable adults. Aren't they? I know I sure wouldn't want to hire them. At least learn how to use SPELLCHECK. Don't take an online class if you don't know how to use a computer.

I know its "just" a history class, but I like to be able to read the postings without trying to decipher what they mean. No what I mean? It really slows me down. Its like hitting a bump in the road. Ok, maybe I am a teeny bit anal retentive. There is nothing wrong with good grammar and decent punctuation skills. Now, don't go searching for my mistakes. I know I make them. On here I don't often proofread or spell check, but no one reads it anyway, right? Besides, its not like its for a grade. Its the difference between sitting in a classroom, trying to do quality work, and unwinding by blogging in my jamas sipping on a cold iced tea. Ok, I guess I am done. Except I sure hope the instructor points out the problems with those posts. I know its not his area of expertise, but I should think as an instructor he would find it his duty to point out the mistakes. You know, to help them become more anal retentive, like me. And also so it will quit pissing me off and taking my time away from my homework so I can blow off some steam and blog about it.

I think I need to get a life,although I can barely handle this one as it is. People just need to quit pissin' me off.

God Bless. Please pray for me to be able to extend a little more graciousness to those punctuationally/grammatically/ impaired.

(after running spellcheck, it wanted to change "freakin" to "foreskin." How funny is that! Hahahaha I am also not sure I spelled "punctuation" correctly as it wanted to change it to function. Hmmmmmmmmmm.)

Monday, September 11, 2006

Today sucks.

Today would have been my daughter's birthday. She would have been 21 today. I have been bawling off and on all day. When my son got home, he had Taekwondo, then I was hoping to just come home, cuddle with him and watch TV till shower/bed time.

He decided to let one of the boys on the bus tear up his homework, so the boy would get the blame for him not having it. Needless to say, he is mad and upset because he has to do the whole thing over again, when he had it over half done. (He has to write 25 sentences with his spelling words with at least 7 words in each sentence. Then, I get to check them over and he has to correct what's wrong.) He had about 19 sentences done, but thought if he didn't bring it in, I wouldn't make him correct it. He told me the kid ate it. I called him a liar, and he said that he LET him eat it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am being a total bitch. He is in there crying, trying to get attention, and I am pissed. He has 1000 different excuses. I am tired of them all. He has 30 minutes to write 10 LEGIBLE sentences, or no TV after school.

I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I want a smoke so bad I can't hardly stand it. I want to get drunk just to forget. I can't do any of those. I want to scream from the mountain top. I want to stomp my feet, shake my fist, and cry buckets. I just can't. I miss my daughter terribly. I often wonder about how my life would have been if she was still in it, living breathing. 21 years old. Today. Its not like I can forget what day it is. Since 2001, and the WTC, every second the TV or radio is on, they mention "the day." Before the WTC, I suffered in silence, almost. I would cry if I had to write the date down, or just thinking about "things" but it wasn't shoved down my throat like it is now. There is no escape. Would she have been pretty? Would she be married now? A mom? Would we have the tumultuous relationship me and my son have? He thinks we have an equal partnership, and I have no idea where he got that notion.

I turned my paperwork in today for my last unemployment check too. We are going to have to survive on my grants and scholarships till I get a job. I am so freakin stressed. I wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes. I need to be held. :(

God Bless. Please pray for me.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ok, I want to take my legs off.

Just for awhile. Hang them up, or float them in alcohol till they feel better. I hurt so freakin bad. That eliptical is bad news. I have hurt bad since it woke me up at 4am. I have taken pills, I have tried to walk it off, I have used muscle rub, heating pad, self massage, just about everything but a chain saw and/or booze to get it to quit hurting. No luck. I just googled it, and it feels like the vastus medialis. All I know is, it burns when I sit, stand, move, breathe, don't breathe, shower, lay down, and sleep. Other than that, I feel like a million bucks. <----sarcasm. I know it will just take time, and I sure hope it stops hurting so I can go back to the gym tomorrow. I don't want to lose the momentum that I have. LOL. Ok, momentum isn't the right word. Its like going to church. You go every time you can, and it feels great. You may not like getting up early to go on a Sunday morning, but the commitment is there. Its second nature. You just know, and don't question. Then something happens and you miss one. Hmmmm. The earth didn't shatter. It felt kind of good sleeping in. So then on down the road you miss another one. Maybe no one seems to notice. Before too long its just too much effort to go. Thats where I am with church. I am afraid to get that way with the gym too. I have so much work to do.
The guy who owns/runs the gym is an extremely talented Christian. He does all kinds of things. Speaks at functions, records and performs Christian music, writes books. He is a very spiritual man. Its got me thinking about the God and church thing again. I think this is all happening for a reason.
I just needed to whine. (Hmmmmmmmm, wine sounds like a good idea. ;) )

God bless, and take care of your body. Its hell to get it back the way it should be (especially if its NEVER been like it should be!)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I am beat

I just got back from the gym. I never thought I would say that. I am not a "gym" person. Anyway, Monday night the kid was in love. He had the kind of grin on his face I used to get after sex. It was that good. He was totally thrilled. He enjoyed the class last night, but he had a woman instructor and she was tougher on him. He said that women are always too pushy. I told him he has a lot to learn and she seems like a very good instructor.

I went Tuesday and started doing the cardio stuff. I actually walked on a treadmill for 30 whole minutes. I couldn't believe it. I kept changing the grade up and down and increasing the speed. I looked like a trainwreck when I was done, but I did it. A month ago I bet I couldn't have lasted that long. Then he had me do 2 minutes on the eliptical. Holy crap! What sadist invented that machine? I still didn't have my land legs under me after doing the treadmill, so I know I had to look like a drunk on it. After that he had me on the bike for about 10 minutes. Last night while the munchkin was in his 1/2 hour class, I did 15 on the treadmill. I thought the deal was I could only work out while he was in class, but I think that changed. I went back today to get trained on the weight stuff. He said to alternate days and do cardio 3 days a week and the circuit the other 3. So TOMORROW I am supposed to stick with the cardio. I'm not going Saturday, so Monday I will do the machines. I am going to find out Saturday for sure if my friend is going to sponsor him so we can both go. I really really hope so. There is no way I can afford it right now. He gets to go for 7 weeks for sure, but thats all I can afford. I hope and pray she comes through for us.

The instructor and I also talked about foods and stuff today. He said I am not eating enough. He said I need about 2100 calories a day to keep my metabolism up. He said if I lose weight, but not fat, he will know I'm not eating enough. Then I will be losing muscle, which isn't a good thing. It was interesting today on the machines. The hard part for me is getting on and off of them, and just remembering how to use them at first. I even used one of those great big balls. I told him that with my weight I have always tried to stay away from anything inflatable. LOL. He said they are supposed to hold up to 1000 lbs. He has some of his guys use those and lift weights while they are on it. Whewwwww.

I have to figure out how to get more calories in my diet, that are the good kind. He said I need to eat 3 snacks a day as well. Thats 450 calories per meal, and 150 per snack. I don't know if I can eat all that or not now.

I go to my first "classroom" class tonight. I have been working on my 2 online classes. So far its going well. I have history of Illinois and have learned stuff already. Not bad for 2 days. Well, I best get busy.

God bless.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Things are changing, again

Well, today I went and paid off my house. My FREAKIN HOUSE IS PAID FOR! Now, if I can keep it from falling down, its a good thing. Since I have been on break, its been a lot cleaner, which is another good thing.

I have been wanting to sign my son up for Karate lessons. Being the puniest kid in his class and getting picked on all the time, I thought it would be a good thing. Since the funds just weren't there, I never checked into it. I checked today. A friend of mine said she would like to sponsor him, so I went in to price it so we could discuss it. Well, he can start tonight, so I went ahead and paid. I hope she still plans on sponsoring him. I am going to try to get in touch with her tonight. I didn't plan on signing him up today, but it was such a positive thing, and with what I paid today it will take care of 7 weeks. If we sign him up for long term, its $99 down and $79 a month. He got a free uniform and a DVD to watch and practice with. Lessons are 2 evenings a week for 1/2 hour. He said the higher they go, the longer the lesson time is. 1/2 hour is plenty for the beginners. He is going to be so excited when he comes home and I get to tell him. Another thing about him taking lessons, is that PARENTS GET A MEMBERSHIP FREE while the kids have lessons. I just signed up for a FREAKIN GYM MEMBERSHIP. I have lost almost 40 lbs, so this will be great. I think. I have to go over in the morning so he can show me the circuit, etc.I am a nervous wreck. I bought me a pair of sweatpants, which I will probably die in. I know shorts would be better, but no one is lookin at these gams just yet.

Classes start tomorrow, so thats a big deal too. I really have to get a job. I sure hope I can fit it in. :O

God Bless.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

A new link

I get Kim Komando's ezines and this site was in it. Oceangram Try it. Its really cool. I just thought I would pass that on. Have a great day, and God Bless.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Has it been that long?

I am on break and can't believe I haven't posted before now. I got my final grades. I got an A in webpage, A in 3D animation, and a B in advanced hardware. I am very pleased with my grades. I worked hard for all of them. I think in hardware he took some mercy on my soul. He is a tough instructor, but I learn a lot, and thats the goal.

I have so far lost 35 lbs. since I started cutting back and dancing. It got me so funny when I got here tonight and the motivational quote was "Dance is the hidden language of the soul." By Martha Graham. I have been dancing my butt off. Literally. LOL. We haven't been going out walking much, so I dance. If I know I haven't been getting enough exercise, we turn on the tunes and I shake, rattle and roll. Well, not roll exactly, but jiggle a lot. Like a bowl of puddin. :) Tonight I tried on an old pair of jeans I haven't worn in years. They were tight, and I thought no way. Then I kept sucking in, and sucking in, and the zipper went ALL the WAY up, with me IN THEM!!!! Then of course, I had to do a happy dance. :) That will help me keep on keepin on. I have been at a standstill again, and not keeping with my program. Some days I feel like I could eat a whole cow. I have started making me a cup of hot chicken bullion, but the salt isn't good for me. Its helping me to feel fuller though. Maybe since I saw that result of the jeans it will help keep me focused on the goal.

I lost a cap off of my tooth a couple of weeks ago. Tomorrow is the big day to go to the dentist and get it fixed. I don't mind dentists. Just give me a shot so it doesn't hurt, and do your thing. The only problem now is, no insurance. I may have to make payments, but I talked to them about that before I made the appointment.

God bless. Still pray about a paying gig. Please.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

One down, two to go....

I got my webpage grade. One the website, I got 96 out of 100. We could go in and fix it to get extra points. She made some suggestions, so I used a couple of them, but the others were ones that my tutor told me only lazy web designers use. I had my pages all set out in tables so it would be easier to put the graphics and text where I wanted them, but after his mini lecture I took them all out. Almost. I left a few parts where I couldn't get it to format the way I wanted. When I got her critique, she suggested I use tables for the whole page. LOL. I politely declined, and told her that I had previously done that but was discouraged from doing so. My tutor does websites for a living, and teaches a lot of classes on graphic design, etc. I got 48 out of 50 points on the revision grade, so even though she disagreed, she game me almost full credit. All in all, I got 94!!!!!!! Considering I did crappy on most of the quizzes but got 100% on all of the assignments except for the 96 and 48, I am pleased. I really enjoyed it a lot.

Tomorrow is my 3D final. We got our checklist and he wants 20 different aspects done to show him. I have 4 so far, so I am going to work on them tonight. I am not as young and geeky as the rest in the class. The rest are young guys who walk into class, take off their shoes (for some insane reason, I have seen more than one do this) and just go to town on this program. No matter what cool things my instructor discovers, the guy in class who comes in every day looking like he never combed his hair from the previous WEEK and forgot his deodorant, and slept in his clothes, and whose girlfriend came in with him one night while I was working and had to fawn all over him because she acted like I wanted him (hahahaha)(she would shoot me a dirty look every time I spoke to him. Sorry, I prefer guys who can TAKE SHOWERS on a daily basis and know what a hairbrush is for. If you can't brush it, get it shaved off.) But I digress. He always has to think of a question that he knows the instructor won't know. Today our instructor was showing us ocean water, which was really awesome. A couple of clicks and it looked like a storm at sea. He had taken a cube and dropped in the water, and it rocked and bucked like it was getting tossed in the waves. Of course, genius smelly boy asked if it would displace the water blah blah blah blah blah. (it was about a 4 minute question) He thinks it makes him look smarter. Personally, I think it makes him look like an ass. Maybe thats just me though.

Anyway, I am excited about my grade so far. I have an A in 3D so far, but that could change tomorrow. As long as I get all 20 steps done, he said that to get an A you would only need to get one question on the written test right. I guess I better get to crackin. Some of the things he wants we haven't done since the beginning of class and I forgot how. Time to rock and roll.

God Bless. And please pray that I can find a paying gig soon. I'm scared.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Waiting is the hardest part

My webpage is supposed to be graded today. I have been checking since I got home at 5 pm and the grade still isn't posted. I have gotten all positive feedback from classmates, family and friends. I had a couple of little things I fixed, but other than that its done. I put it quite a bit of time on it, to get it just the way I wanted. We had to do a site for either a business or a "not for profit," and I did mine on our local state park. I took all the pictures, used a few graphics and wrote the whole thing in HTML. I emailed the head of the park and told him he can have it when I am done. I haven't gotten a response yet. I sent it to a friend of mine and she said it was great. She started a chapter of The Compassionate Friends, so I am going to work on a website for them. They have a meeting Monday night so she is going to see what they would like on the site. I did a rough first page to see what she thought, and she said she is very excited about it. I am glad I can help in some way. She is a great friend and has been having a very very rough time since she lost her daughter. I can't even think about her daughter without crying.

This is my last week of summer school. I have a final in 3D animation on Wednesday, and hardware on Thursday. He gave us some ideas on what the 3D thing is going to be, so I plan on working on that tomorrow. We have to make an object that either uses gravity, and emits particles, it has to have some lighting, and some other things. He is going to make a checklist for us and give it to us Monday. I thought I would go ahead and work on it. I think I am going to make a vase with marbles falling into it, and then shooting back out like fireworks going off in the bottle. Sounds good to me, but actually getting it to look right will be the true test. LOL

Time to get to bed. I have 3D demons to wrestle with tomorrow.

God bless, and please pray I get a paying job. The car still isn't fixed, and I forgot to pay my property taxes before the rest of the bills. :doh:

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Today is my special day

Well, its supposed to be. Its my birthday. I hit the big 4-7 today. I think birthdays should be a special occasion, but they so often aren't. My son forgot until he had been up for about 3 hours, then it was like "oh yeah, happy birthday." Thats fine. He's nine. And a boy.

This is the first b'day for me since me and the b'f split. Its kind of wierd not to get too many presents I don't like or need. The only thing I really miss about that is the cake and ice cream. I don't need it, but it sounds good to me.

If you count my first weigh in of the morning I made my goal. I usually only count evening weight though as my true daily weight, so we shall see. I have fudged a little lately. I hit a plateau and no matter how many salads I ate or how much chocolate and steaks I didn't eat, the scales didn't go any lower. I cheated a little, but not much cos I knew my backside would have to pay the price.

I got up at 5 and started on homework about 6 am. I went back to bed at 8 with an incredible headache. I got up at 9 to the call of more homework. I feel like thats about all I do. I think about different classes in about every waking hour. There are only 2 weeks left of summer school. Then I get a break, but need to be looking for a job hard and heavy.

I have to pay property taxes this week. Just repairs alone has cost me more than I cared to spend. The yard was looking real wooly because the weedeater took a dump. It needed a new battery and that was $20. My homework lightbulb burned out and it was $5 just for the bulb. (halogen) Then, about 2 am the other night there was an alarm going off and it was my stove. It was flashing a code and the light was flashing too. I think the light was burnt out making the top get hot so it set the alarm off. I turned it off and checked the next morning, and it was as I suspected. I got a new light for it yesterday. Its just a fluorescent bulb, so it can't be too much, right??? $17 freakin dollars for a light. I shouldn't have got it, but I did. We use it as a night light in the kitchen so if anyone (son) gets up for drinks or to get on the computer (me) at 3 am there is a warm little homey glow. The tailpipe is hanging off of the car, but I can't get it off to take it in to get fixed. The truck is acting like the transmission needs some attention. If I don't get it looked at, before long I will have 2 vehicles I can't drive. I hope its just fluid. If I can get the car to town they said it would only be $69 to get it fixed.

The good news is: I am still dropping some poundage, I haven't died yet, and my son still loves me. Isn't that what life is all about anyway?

God Bless.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Confusion turns my hair gray

Ok, its been awhile since I have been here. Everything has been going so wonderful I haven't had anything to write about. (Can you read the note of sarcasm in my typing???)

Today I went and got my resume back from career services. The secretary was out, so I stepped up to the office of the lady in the office. She gave me back my resume with a folder of tips and stuff for a better resume and interviewing skills. I told her thank you, and mentioned that I was scared to death about getting back in the workforce again. At this, I started tearing up. Geesh. What a wimp. I had never met this woman, and now I am on the verge of TEARS???? We went into her office and sat down and I apologized. We talked for a few minutes, and I felt better. Man, sometimes with this tear thing I can't predict when its going to hit me. I am doing a lot better, but its still not good. Am I going to do that if I get an interview???? Cripes. I don't have enough to worry about. I guess I can add that to my list.

I started writing this due to my webpage homework. I got off on a tangent before I even started what I intended. Yeah, I am fine. No, really I am. Quit looking at me like that. {insert maniacal laugh}
I am working on html for webpage. We have to write it all from scratch. No big deal. I am learning the rules, what is acceptable and what isn't. I have learned a lot already, but this book really gets me. The chapter I am on today is about frames. Apparently, from the authors perspective, frames are of the devil and don't work anyway. Even our exercise is to make it "look like frames, but don't really use them." If they don't want us to use them, at least for the homework, I don't understand the need to have us do this chapter. Ok, I do, but its a pain in the butt. "Here are the directions, but don't use them cos it doesn't work." (Not an exact quote, but the basics.) What really got me on this chapter was about 3 paragraphs on scroll bars and how to turn them off. I turn the page and the last sentence of the lengthy section says "There appears to be no good reason to turn off scrolling." I assumed it was important since it got so much space. I guess its more important NOT to do it. Its like someone giving you directions and saying "you know that road that goes down by the creek about 4 miles after the left hand turn about a mile down the road? Don't go that way. It doesn't go anywhere. Go right instead." I would be remembering the creek and driving till I found it, knowing since it was mentioned that I was going the right way. Why do they want to torture us so? There are whole sections on html and then at the end it will say that its been deprecated in html 4.0, but nothing else works so go ahead and use it. Then on the quiz the questions are phrased so that you know its deprecated, but you can still use it, so either way you answer its wrong. If I say yes, she will say, "but its been deprecated" and if I say no, she will say "but its the only way it works." AAAArrrrrrggggghhhhhh

Well, I better get back to homework. I just needed to rant. I do have some good news. I wanted to lose 20 lbs by my birthday, and I have 1.5 left to go. Still too big for a smaller size of pants, but I look like I can swim in them, so its all good.


God Bless, and pray. Pray for everything that needs prayed for. If there is any time left after that, you can throw one in for me, and maybe the W3C on this HTML stuff. Or at least the silly author of the book. He must have a great sense of humor. Or he gets lost a lot. LOL {wink}

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Chicago

I went to the Windy City yesterday. It could have been a little windier, but it was a beautiful day. I went with a group from school, so it was cost-free to me. Those are the best kind of days, because I didn't have to worry about if I could afford anything. We went to the Field Museum first and saw the King Tut exhibit. It was awesome. We only had 1 1/2 hours there, so it wasn't enough time to see many other exhibits, and I kind of dashed through that one, but it was all good. I got a picture of Sue, the dinosaur and got a shirt for my kid. (he hates when I get him shirts, but for economic concerns I would rather get him a souvenir that is useful instead of something he will look at and set down never to pick up and look at again.)
After that we went to a wonderful restaurant in downtown Chicago. We were supposed to go to Bubba Gumps, which I would have loved, but am kind of relieved we didn't. We ended up going for Thai food, which I had never had. It was wonderfully spiced except for the gargantuan amounts of cilantro. I am not a fan of cilantro, so even a tiny amount seems like a lot to me. It was Vong's Thai Kitchen, so if you are into Thai food or don't know and in the Chicago area, that would be a great place to go. We had a real good time. Bubba Gumps was going to have a hard time accomadating our group unless we ordered before we got there and they were only going to give us about 3 choices instead of all the menu items. I understand, but was disappointed. I was relieved we went to Vong's because of my diet. I have lost over 25 lbs from my all time high, and want to keep the momentum going. From glancing at the BG menu online, I don't think I could have opted for something lo-cal. The Thai was a ton of veggies, with little meat and lots of spice, so it was perfect.
After lunch we got back on the bus and went to take a tour of University of Illinois Chicago. It was a LOT of walking, but very enjoyable. Afterward, we got back on the bus and headed home.
The bus driver was the most cantankerous man I had seen since my grandfather passed away back in 1982. He told us most of the way up there about how they had to talk him into taking the trip since the construction is going on, and no one wants to do Chicago anymore. He said not to get mad at the bus driver for whatever happens. He also said that he drives a lot of the longer out-of-state trips for the school since he isn't married and has nothing to keep him home. Gee, he is so charming, I wonder why he is still single????? <--sarcasm. He had no idea where we were going, nor how to get there. While we were in the museum, he had 1 1/2 hours to figure out how to get to the restaurant. He had the address, a map, and a packet with the itinerary. We get back in the bus, and he asks "where to next?" He said he had no idea where that was, so they got on the phone with the restaurant, told them where we were, and how to get to them. It was a mess. They had to call them back while we were making our way to them, since the construction wouldn't let us go the way they had suggested. After dropping us off, he was supposed to come back and eat with us, but they called and he was staying with the bus since he had to park 20 blocks away. When he came back to get us, he came from the other direction and there was no bus lane, so we got one while he was sitting at a light. It was not a good thing. He had to sit through about 3 lights and people were honking. I don't understand how people don't know the meaning of the word "hurry" but it drives me bats. I don't blame him for getting upset then. Cars behind us were honking, it was awful. We got out of there and got to the university early though. We were supposed to have some time to kill between eating and the tour, but it was taking so long to get anywhere they decided it would be best to get on with it. I'm glad.
I have to get back to homework, its going to be a very busy day. I HAVE to mow the yard today, rain is in the forecast for the next 4 days. I have an assignment that is due today, so that comes first, then mowing. My uncle called and they have some extra zucchini I can pick up, so I would like to go over there later. I plan on grilling out some chicken breasts for dinner and thought I would try grilling some zucchini slices.

Have a great day, and God Bless.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Oh my

I was reading back through a few of my posts and realize how much I don't write about whats going on. I guess since I am just writing for release for me it doesn't really matter, but as for using it as a diary to keep track of what was happening at the time, its sorely lacking. I also haven't been posting as much lately.

I am back in school and have been for 2 weeks. The advanced hardware class is enough for the whole summer with nothing else. The first day he assigned 44 pages of reading, and being all tech stuff I fell asleep after the first 2 pages. One night he assigned us over 30 pages of reading and 80 pages of "skimming." (which to me means turning pages while I am thinking about something else.) He is gone next week, so he gave us a project to do. We are to study 24 different motherboards, fill out forms for all of them, and rate them as to beginner user, expandability for a medium style user, and which is the best for a techie level user. No problem. I have nothing better to do. YIKES!

The 3D animation class is fun. Its amazing what can be done with a few clicks of a mouse. Of course, the same instructor teaches it. While he is away at some speaking thing, we have to make a head with eyes, a body with hands a feet, attach everything, and make the eyes move together at the same time. LOL. It may not sound like so much, but after only having the class for two weeks, I am no where near body mode yet. I bet I will be by the time he gets back.

The web design class is fun. Eventually, when time permits there may be a few changes to this site. I have tried to fix the spiderman post, and maybe when I get into more html I will be able to. I can't figure out where the problem is. Anyway, my friend complained about all the homework she had in that class in the regular semester. I was hoping since this is summer semester and half of a regular one that she would cut some parts of out the assignments. Boy, was I wrong. She just has us do 2 assignments a week instead of the one they had due. LOL. I love my computer, don't get me wrong, but I also like to get away from it from time to time.

I have been losing weight. On purpose. LOL. I have been able to see numbers on the scale I haven't seen in a long time. (they were there, but it just zoomed past them so fast!) I feel so much better, even though I have a long long way to go. I went back to Fitday and am keeping track of everything I eat. I am also doing my activities there. Its great. It gives me reports on if I am getting enough nutrients, if my intake is being burned for the day, and also lets me know how much weight I need to lose every week to meet my goal. Its helped to keep me accountable. I thought about lying once or twice, but since I am the only one that reads it, who would I be lying to? I would still know, and it wouldn't be accurate. So there. I am still posting my steps at America on the Move as well. I have been really good keeping up with both of those, which is another reason I haven't been here. They are both helping me to stay motivated. I am a member of the yahoo group of The Fat Man Walking and keep up with that too. If some 400 lb guy can walk across the United States, I can get off my fat ass and move more often. Its helping a lot, and I think its just what I needed. I know people are doing it, so it must not be impossible, right?????

I have things to do. (like homework. LOL)

God Bless, and keep me in your prayers. The job market is SCAREY!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 09, 2006

A rough day

I know part of it is the overwhelming homework, the worry about a job, money, just the normal daily stuff. School started this week, and the first day I had over 60 pages to read for the next day.
My son has seemed especially trying today. Its been one of his "talking marathon" days, which sometimes just put my teeth on edge. He will ask me the same question 5 times a day, and I will give him the same answer every time. He doesn't listen long enough to hear the answer. If I ask if he heard me, he yells "YES, I HEARD YOU!" Then 10 minutes later he will claim I never answered him. I know part of that has to do with his ADHD, but it drives me batshit.

I am a network administration major. I put a NIC in my sons' computer the other day, and got the router out today to finally get them connected. Well, I can't get it to work. Yep, I am college educated in the art of networking, and can't even network my own damn computers. Note all the cussing? I am a tiny bit irritable today.

I got out one of my old cd's to dance a bit and get some exercise in this sorry body of mine. The music was one that I used to party too. (Georgia Satelites) We used to play it during the beer drinking games, (which was the only way I could drink beer. YUCK!) Anyway, I danced to a few of the songs. It felt good. I danced with wild abandon while my son laughed at me. I didn't care. After I got pooped out, I got one of my notorious wine coolers I bought over a year ago. It tastes so lovely I may have to have another. (I still have two left.) Sometimes I miss the partying a little bit. I just wish I had someone to share my life with sometimes. Not only for me, but he could take G out fishing or something for awhile and give me break. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but there are some days where he never stops, and I have so much stress on me besides him, it gets tough for me to handle. The job thing is really stressing me out. I got my internet bill today, (which I pay every 6 months cos its cheaper that way.) and I had to pay my charge card bill. Its a disaster. A few more months and I will have my house paid off, but then the unemployment stops, so at least I will have a roof over our head, just maybe no lights or heat. Its a scary thought.

I had better close. I am tired of bitching and tired of thinking about it.

God bless, and count your blessings. I need to focus on that for awhile.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

My son, my son.

I don't know what to do. Tonight was his first little league game. He was awful. Not as far as batting and catching, which he can learn to do better. He was awful as in playing in the outfield, picking up the dirt and tossing it in the air, turning around and looking at the lights, taking his cap off and turning it backwards and just continuously playing around. I was embarrassed. The coaches would tell him to be ready, put his cap back on, stay awake, etc. They kept telling him to back up on the grass, but he would just get to the edge so he could play on the dirt. I was sitting behind them and I think they weren't sure if they should yell at him or not. I am an awful mother and went up to one of them and asked him to tell him to focus and pay attention.(I basically asked him to yell at my son across the field.) I am afraid he is going to get hit by the ball if he isn't even watching the game he is supposed to be playing in. We had a talk about it tonight, and I told him he is letting the team down if he is going to be messing around and not taking care of business. I think he thinks it should just happen and he doesn't have to do anything. I told him its something he needs to work and practice at. I told him I didn't know whether to let him go ahead and play if he is just going to do that, he got upset, so I am hoping it will sink in. I am really hoping he starts maturing up to his age level soon. There is going to be a lot more problems in his future I am afraid if he doesn't. A little messing around is fine, but enough is enough. They only played 3 1/2 out of 5 innings. (the score was 13-3, no way they could catch up.)I know its good for him to be involved in sports, but not if he continues to do this. The coaches (an I as well) have told him its not peewee league any more, and the rules are more strict. One of the boys on his team is also ADHD and they go round and round. I told him tonight just to stay away from him. The coaches aren't there to be babysitters, and they should be old enough to take care of themselves without someone having to sit between them. It drove me crazy! I need to relax more, but I am hoping he can get his act together soon. I want to be able to go to a game and relax, and not watch him acting up. He doesn't think anyone will ever hit the ball out that far, so he doesn't care. I have tried to convince him that the boys are bigger now and hit a lot harder than the ones he played with last year. He may have to learn the hard way. :(

God Bless, and pray my sons hard head won't get beaned with a ball. :(

Monday, May 29, 2006

Which Superhero are you?

Hahaha!

Your results:
You are Spider-Man
























Spider-Man
85%
Batman
75%
Hulk
70%
Superman
65%
Iron Man
60%
Robin
47%
Wonder Woman
45%
The Flash
40%
Supergirl
30%
Green Lantern
30%
Catwoman
20%
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.


Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Saturday, May 27, 2006

What I learned on my summer vacation

1. No matter how hard I wish it, my house won't clean itself.
2. How to thread a weedeater string.
3. I can spend whole days getting nothing accomplished, and not feel guilty.
4. The guilt-free thing only lasts till I look around at the interior or exterior of my house.
5. My lawn mower hates me.
6. I need to learn how to get rid of yellow jackets. (the bees, not clothing attire.)
7. Walking a lot and drinking a lot of water makes me feel better.
8. My sons teachers aren't all bad.
9. I'm scared of the unsureness of my future. (oh wait, I already knew that.)

Ok, thats the list. I know its kind of short, but I have only been out of school for 2 weeks. I have one full week of glory left before its time to go back. Sigh

I am confused by a friend of mine. She says I am like her best friend, but I don't know. I don't know what being a best friend means to her. I have tried to confide in her, and I know it doesn't go any farther, but she has an odd attitude I think. My opinion is if someone is down and needs to talk, you listen, nod, and maybe even say "I know it has to be hard" or something to that effect. When I mentioned about being so sick and tired of driving 74 miles a day to school and back for me, (she lives less than 5 miles from school) she says, "yeah, me too, but we can't fly." We were talking about some other things that are affecting both of us, and I guess the grass looks greener on the other side. I think having one income is better than having none, even if you are used to 2. She thinks its harder to get down to one income than have none coming in. ????? I am not trying to outdo her. I just want her to count her blessings instead of getting so upset. It could always be worse. I know I have some obstacles ahead of me, and it scares me shitless. But I am thankful for what I have, and the things I have made it through.

I am still logging my steps every day. It helps me make better decisions about my exercise and eating habits. I have lost 13 lbs so far. I am still retaining too much fluid, and still have no idea why. Today the belt on the mower came off, so I called my stepmother. She was coming over to pick strawberries this afternoon so said she would help me get it on. Meanwhile I went to use the weedeater, and the string ran out. Then I got the pushmower out and showed the kid how to trim around the trees and poles and stuff, and showed him 2 and told him to go on from there. While I was weedeating he went around those 2 things, put the mower back in the garage and went back in the house to watch tv. Thats not going to happen next time. He is old enough now to get some more responsibilities. I push mowed for awhile and got a lot of mileage in today. It was up to 89ยบ when I was push mowing, so needless to say I didn't get a lot done. I was a wringing wet mass of sweat when I got in the house. I called my nephew about the mower belt, and he said its supposed to be even hotter tomorrow. I went in and turned the central air on. I am not going to suffer like this again tomorrow. It wears me out.

I need to get to bed. I am whooped. God Bless.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Changes

I started this blog when my friends daughter was killed in a car accident. She was almost 17. I didn't have anyone I could talk to about my grief, so I wrote it here. I was just thinking about my friend. She has made a lot of changes, and has her ups and downs, which is very understandable. She is starting a sort of foundation in her daughters name. She is trying to do a collaborative book to raise money to help people in need. I applaud her for this, and I know her daughter is pushing her on. She would be so proud of her mom.

Her graduation from high school is this month. I'm not sure when. I know that her class is carrying a candle in her honor during the ceremonies. I was hoping to get to see my friend while I was on break from school, and thats when she told me. She is mourning all over again, and I understand. I mourned when my daughter should have started school. I mourned her when she would have gotten her drivers license. I mourn her every birthday she should have had. Sometimes I secretly and quietly mourn her when I see the cute little girl baby clothes at Walmart. I know my friend does the same. My heart hurts for her so sincerely.

I thank God so much for my son. Even though he is bullheaded, thinks he's boss, and knows everything. (sometimes its like looking in a mirror.)

God Bless. Please say a prayer for my friend. She needs all the support she can get. Thanks.

Friday, May 12, 2006

:)

Another semester over. Thank God. and I mean that! I don't know what I got in math yet, but I have an A in psych, a B in wireless, and a C in security and server. I wish it was better, but it could have been worse. I wanted to crash on the couch and watch a movie with my kid, but he had a better invitation. (sniff sniff) So, my big night as a free woman, not a care in the world, and the wild woman I have become, I watched a tv movie tonight, and then played pogo for awhile. I am ready for bed now, and I forgot to celebrate with my wine cooler even. Geesh. Some party animal I turned out to be. I am even bored with myself.

I am going to take my boring old self to bed. Maybe I will dream of knights in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet and take me off into the sunset. Hahaha. I quit believing in fairy tales a long time ago.

God bless, and thank God that finals are over. Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Hahahaha

I have a final in one hour and 32 minutes. I get inspirational emails so I thought I would read one more for some divine inspiration before the exam. (like flipping the pages of a Bible, and sticking a finger on a verse that turns out to be just the one you needed at the time.) Well, I open the next one that comes in my inbox, and lo and behold, here is the title:

"Help, I Have Lost My Mind (again!) - May 12, 2006"

Ok, I was looking for something a little different. I had already knew that. lol This was a great confidence booster to see. ??? LOL. Here is the rest of the article:

Help, I Have Lost My Mind (again!) - May 12, 2006

"For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But
we have the mind of Christ." (1Co 2:16 av)

In the hectic and messy lives we all live, it is easy to loose our
focus. A common expression we use is "I have lost my mind" or someone
might ask you "are you out of your mind?" I have a perfect answer for
you next time someone asks you the second question; say "yes, I am out
of my mind, I have the mind of Christ"

God has given us a wonderful roadmap to knowing Him better. What is even
greater is that He has not given us a "piece of His mind", but rather He
has given us the whole thing. It is all perfectly contained in the
Bible, the unaltered word of God. If you find yourself thinking you are
about to loose it, or you are struggling with anything that keeps you
filled with anxiety, go to the Bible. I guarantee the answer is there.

I have fairly regularly globe trotted over the last few years on
different mission trips. I love it when I tell relatives and friends
where I am going. The response I always get is the "are you out of your
mind?" Next time someone asks me that I intend to tell them that I am
out of my mind, and promptly ask them to join me in leaving my mind
behind. Maybe I can just leave it in the back pocket of my jeans at
home?

Contributed by Carl Holmes:

I get these mailings daily from here if you're interested:
http://mrmom.amaonline.com

I better get going. I have to do a quick flip through my Bible before I leave. Lets see what the next message I find that is planned for me on this day.

God Bless, and keep a lookout for some divine inspiration.

Monday, May 08, 2006

God's subtle hints.

I play at Pogo quite a bit. Last night I was there playing some solitare minding my own business. I like to unwind, and play whatever strikes my fancy. (come of think of it, I don't ever recall having my fancy struck, and not even sure what they mean by fancy, but I probably would have known if it was struck at any given time.) Anyway, I was reading the chat while playing. I go to the same room to play solitare because the people seem very nice, and they all seem to know one another, so its like witnessing a family gathering when someone pops in and they all say hi and ask how the family is, etc. Its amazing how people can get close without ever meeting. Anyway, I usually don't say much. I am not a "regular" in there.
Last night when I was reading the chat while I was playing, someone came in I had never seen before. Someone commented on how they hadn't seen them in awhile. They asked after his health, and how everything was going. Well, he said that they were close to losing the house. There wasn't anything really that he could do, and he was questioning whether it is worth living or not. They talked for quite awhile, and I just read. The person they were talking to had to leave, and most of the regulars weren't there. It got real quite, and no one was chatting. They have private chat on there for members, so I thought maybe I should chat with him and let him know that people care. I talked myself out of it. A lot of people meet on Pogo to hookup, and I didn't want him to think I was hitting on him. Some women are so desparate for attention they will hit on men who are married, act like jerks to them, etc. I didn't want him to think I was coming on to him. So I go on with my game. I am thinking about this poor man and his family. Apparently he can't work, and he said his wife is working her fingers to the bone to try to hold onto everything. I keep playing solitare. I say a prayer for him under my breath while I am playing. I feel for what his wife is going through. Working hard and worrying about losing their home, and him being so depressed, and the kids not caring. I keep playing. I think I should talk to him, but geesh. He doesn't know me, I don't know him. I keep playing. I pray about it, his circumstances, his family, whether I should talk to him or not. I keep playing. I go to flip the next card, and nothing happens. I click again. Nothing. Everything else seems to be working, except the game. OK, OK! I got the hint. The chat still worked. So I private messaged him. Its those subtle little hints that God give me from time to time. (its like someone standing behind me and shoving me into dong something I am hesitant to do.)
We chatted for awhile. I told him he needs to let his wife know how much he appreciates and loves her, and that as long as they are a team they can get through whatever comes their way. I told him not to give her more to worry about. It would be awful to wonder if you were going to find your husband dead when you got home. You just never know. He was very chatty, and I hope it helped him just being able to talk about it. I told him I would be praying for him and his family, and I have been. Quite a lot. I know prayers can work miracles. God just doesn't always give us the answers we want.
I am going to bed. I am beat.

God Bless, and let people know you care. Maybe it will help.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Almost done

One week left to go. I have 3 exams on Wednesday and one on Friday. A lot of prayer for me would be very appreciated.

I found myself snapping at my son all day today. He talked all day long, from the minute he woke up till about 20 minutes ago. I could have sworn he didn't take his meds today. I asked him nicely to calm it down. He started making all kinds of noises. He was testing me, and my patience was gone. I was getting really angry. We went and got groceries, and I lost it. I know if anyone heard us they would have thought I was an awful person. He would go off making some outrageously loud obnoxious noise, and instead of saying "calm down, or be quiet" I would clench my teeth together and go "SHUT UP!!!!!" I hate that phrase. The kid was driving me crazy, and was enjoying it. We stopped at BK after shopping, and I realized I only had one cup of coffee today, so I was having caffiene withdrawals. I quit drinking pop again, so I haven't had a diet pop in about 2 weeks. Until today. I can feel the blood coursing through my veins again. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! I love caffiene. I don't even feel like roaring at my kid. Maybe cos he went to bed and is being quiet. :)

We had city wide rummage sales in town today. We took the stuff that was leftover from the last sale. We set it up at a ladies house that my stepmother used to work for. It was about 7 am, and it was set in the paper to start at 8. People started coming as soon as we got there, and they already had about 3 massive tables of stuff set out. The lady started screaming (I am not kidding) that the sale didn't start till 8 and we weren't open yet. I think she thinks she is doing the public a favor by letting them touch her stuff with the option to buy. My philosophy on that is, if you see anything you want, buy it. If there is a box we haven't unpacked that looks good to you, feel free to root around in it. A sale is a sale. At the end of the day, the old bitty only made about $25, my stepmother made $124, and she almost threw all the stuff away after the last sale. She said it wasn't worth dealing with. Its a pain in the butt, and I really hate rummage sales anymore, but she had some nice stuff. I quit going since I end up buying someone elses junk and never use it. The only thing I have bought in the last few years (besides a few articles of clothing for the kid) was a cloth angel who sits proudly on my shelf in the living room. She is a beautiful whimsical country angel.

I had my first session with my new therapist yesterday. She seems very nice. She said I don't give myself enough credit for what I do, the same the therapist-in-training said. I don't know if she read it on the chart or what. We had a nice talk. She said it sounds like I am doing all the right things for G. I am so worried I'm not. I don't want his life to be as screwed up as mine was. I know how it feels to be picked on as a kid. I felt better after talking to her. I started reading a book called Raising an ADHD Child, A Parents Handbook, (or something like that. I care more about the content than the title of the book.) I haven't made it very far into the book, but at least I feel that I am not alone anymore in the way I feel, the way he is being treated, and the reflection that is put on me as the parent. Thank goodness there are others out there. Anyway, once this week is over, I plan on devoting a lot of time to walking and reading this book.

I haven't been going for walks like I was before. Too many projects due and not enough time. I have one homework assignment due for Monday, which is actually a practice final for math, which is going to be very helpful on remembering what all we covered for the semester. I am going to do it tomorrow. Then I just have to concentrate on studying for the finals, and I can have some downtime. The kid goes to school for a couple more weeks after I am done, so I will have some free time to go for walks by myself, nap when I want, and get caught up on Dr. Phil and The View. ;)

I better get to bed. God Bless, and say a prayer for me. Thanks.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

One down, 4 to go

I got an A out of my psych class. YAY! I have two major projects due this week. Procrastination is going to be the death of me. It was raining today which would have been a great excuse to not walk and just work on homework. Needless to say we drove for an hour to the local outlet mall and did a little shopping. :)

I got some New Balance shoes. I heard they are really amazing and make a world of difference. Its a good thing they were on sale! Ouch. I just hope they work. In the store they felt like I was stepping in a cloud. I hope it feels that way when I am on the trails in the woods and pounding the pavement. I ordered a thing for my knee today for some support, but it may take two weeks to get here. I really hope to get a lot of walking in during my break from school. I need to build my confidence up before I have to go job hunting, and if I am feeling better that will help tremendously.

I got some smiles today while we were walking around the mall. I wore my "I beat anorexia" t shirt. :) I am having a friend design a graphic for a shirt for me. She keeps putting old ladies pictures on it, and I want a younger and somewhat vibrant looking woman on it. I want it to say "I'm still hot. Now it just comes in flashes" I got it in an email awhile back and thought it was shirt worthy. I like to wear my "Its cute how you think I am listening" to class sometimes.

It sounds like its getting ready to storm again. The grass is really growing fast, but I can't get out to mow till it dries up some. I am going to have to bale it when that happens I am afraid. I had to wear the hat my dad gave me when I bought the mower off of him. He said I couldn't use the John Deere unless I wore the hat, so I did. G got some pictures of me and I put them on a disk for him. He said he wanted to use it on his computer. LOL. I don't like hats, but I wore it the whole time. It was some of those pictures that also motivate me to walk. I better go before the weather gets worse.

God Bless.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It seems like forever...

since I have spent much time on my blog. It's so very self serving, so if I spend too much time messing with it when I have so much other stuff to do I get the guilt trip. I send myself there often enough. This blog has really helped to get out a lot of my frustration so it doesn't pop up in my normal functioning life. I can write down here how angry I am, how scared I am, how unlovable I feel at times, and no one else needs to know. Most people I come in contact with find me funny, smart, pretty unflinchable. If they only knew. It often makes me wonder about other people. Does everyone hide as much of themselves as I try to?
I know when I was a kid we had tornadoes out by our house. It was my mom and me at home. She was sewing away on the sewing machine which happened to be facing the window. We were listening to the radio and she made sure we could get to the basement. I remember it was a really gross basement, and we never ever went down there. I don't know if I was ever down there at all the whole time we lived there. (about 5 years.)She was so calm cool and collected. I thought if she was that calm, why should I be upset. Come to find out she was petrified. She was a great actress when it came to that. I miss her.
For my therapy I have been walking. I haven't been able to walk as much as I like, or as I should, with time being a big constraint. My fear of dogs is becoming overpowering, especially since the neighbors have 3 dobermans now, a mom and two pups that are almost full size. They let them out a few times a day. They try to keep them in the yard, and the mom does pretty good, but the pups always seem to find me when I am outside. I try to keep calm and walk slow but steady to the house, but I tell them to go home, and they start growling at me. Scares the shit out of me. Needless to say, we don't walk around our town. Too many dogs and no leash laws. There is no one to report to except the sheriffs dept. about them anyway. I would rather talk to the neighbors about it first anyway. We went to the state park this morning and walked, then this afternoon, after completing some homework and making homemade ice cream, we went back to the nearest bigger town and walked around. My knee is still killing me, but as long as I take plenty of aspirin it feels better. I am hoping if I keep working it out that it will get better. I really need to lose some poundage, and its been helping me and the kid have some time away from home and gives us time to talk.
I have two full weeks of classes left, and then the next week is finals.
My psych class is all done except for my test tomrorow. For one of our final assignments, she asked what was the most important thing we learned. I wrote that I learned the diagnosis for my depression. I know now that I don't always have to feel this way, that it is fixable. At least the book gave me a name so I could research it. (dysthymic disorder.) I am so glad that class is done. I am hoping that will free up some time so I can get to crackin on some of my other classes. Two of them are right on the cusp of a grade, so I am going to at least try to bring them up to a safer zone before the finals.
I am going to go to bed early. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

God bless.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A quiz...

The Loyal Friend

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.


We had to explore some online psych quizzes for class. I am so glad this class is almost over. The site has some important information, then I find things on there like "Are you a geek?" and "The Dr. Phil quiz." If interested, I don't know if its clickable or not, but it gives the website I think.

I hope everyone has a joyous Easter. Its beautiful here today.

God Bless.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Threatening news for me

My son has been on the medicaid program since before I lost my job. According to the guidelines, we qualified, so they paid the difference from the insurance that I had on us. Since I don't have insurance anymore, they paid his med bills in full. I was told I should sign up, so I did. I just want a temporary thing since I hope to be working soon. I got a letter today that I am supposed to fill out this form to continue the medicaid by going after my sons father. That was why I quit the program before, but they had assured me that the program was a lot more lenient than it used to be. I started to go through the process before, but ended up recieving threatening phone calls all hours of the day and night from him and his exwife. (They were divorced for 2 years before I went out with him, but he was using my son to try to get back together with her. Everyone knows he couldn't take care of a kid even every other weekend without help.) I was accused of getting pregnant on purpose, not telling him when the baby was born, etc. It was all lies. They are both very jr. highish and seem to thrive on drama. When I had started through the process before, they told me that they would interview me first before contacting him, so that if I felt it would be a threatening situation, we could discuss it. They lied. I got a call from him a few weeks later with him ranting and raving about how they wanted all of his financial records to see how much he had to pay for "the little bastard." I told him he wouldn't have to pay anything and went to the office the next day and stopped the whole thing. I called him and told him he was completely off the hook. No problem.
When I signed up this time, they said thats not even an issue, so here it is. They will drop us from the program if I don't comply. Of course I can't comply. I am hoping they will just drop me. I have only had the card for two weeks, but I don't have to go to the dr. I would rather rot than subject my son to that SOB. He only wanted anything to do with him as a pawn. He used to call me up to flirt with me, and wouldn't even ask about G. He said he was going to help out. So far in 9 years I haven't seen anything. He told me once he got him a hat for Christmas, but that never materialized. I wish I could have gotten to a dentist before this happened, but if my teeth are going to have to break off on thier own, then I guess it has to be. :( I sure hope I can land a job with good insurance.

God Bless, and say a prayer for us. Thanks.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Words of wisdom...

Yesterday is history
and tomorrow is a mystery
but today is a gift
That's why it's called the present.
Let's all remember each day has endless possibilites for
making this world a little better by our words, acts and
priorites.

Author unknown

Sunday, April 09, 2006

IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!!!

Spring break. YAY! I feel better already. Its nice not to have the stress of deadlines for a little bit. I do have homework to do, and want to get as much of it done as I can, but at least it doesn't have to be done by tomorrow. Whewwwwwwwwwww.

I saw my counselor Friday. I had to write down my plan of action. Part of my plan involves better physical and mental health. I think if I get more physically fit, that my mental health will follow. I hope it works out that way. I know before when I had lost a lot of weight I felt so much better about everything. I just feel so lethargic and uncaring right now.

Me and the kid went for a walk in our local national park. I found a great trail for me to walk on. Slow and steady wins the race, so thats the one I chose. There was no one there when we got there, so that made it even better. Its only a 1/2 mile trail, so it says, but I think its longer than that. After walking it once, people started showing up, so I thought we could drive to another area of the park and walk. Well, no place compared to that one, so we went back. We took an even longer extension of it, and I was doing great. My overly energetic youngin had to run from time to time to catch up with me. I had to take breaks for him. He had to look at the bugs, trees, squirrels, etc, and I just kept on keeping on. If I break my stride too often it really wears me out, and my focus is to walk walk walk. I logged 6500 steps today, which was good. Sundays are usually spent in front of the computer doing homework all day, but with Spring break (did I mention that I don't have school for a whole week?????) I didn't have to worry about it. For my "plan" I am supposed to go walking in the park 3 times a week. She wanted me to say how long or how far I will walk, but since I am in such lousy health, I just plan on starting and then increasing as much as possible. I plan on pushing myself. After I got around the track the first time I was ready to go again, but he who won't be named had to take a break, so we drove around for 15 minutes then went back and did it again. My left leg is killing me. I need to get some new shoes. I will check into that tomorrow.

I need to get some sleep. Thats another part of my "plan" that I didn't mention to the counselor. I know I don't get enough sleep, and I really think that wears on me.

God Bless

Monday, April 03, 2006

More self analysis

I am not doing homework. I have a pretty big assignment due tomorrow. I have been playing pogo, spending time with the kid, cleaning house, cooking, and doing anything else I can do to avoid the homework. I don't know what I am doing on it, and I guess in my way of thinking I would rather be able to tell the instructor that its done so poorly because I ran out of time instead of the "I don't know what the *^%^ I am doing." I do that often subconsciously I think.

I went to see my counselor Friday. Since she is an intern she only has about 4 weeks left till she graduates. She said I never give myself enough credit. When enough people treat you like you don't matter, why should I give myself any credit? They must know, right? I think part of the problem is that I put on such a good front of taking care of myself and everything that pertains to, that no one thinks I need them, or anything else. I am tired of needing someone and no one being there.

We have spring break next week, and I am sooooo glad. They are going to pile on the homework, but at least I won't be logging as many miles. The kid gets out for part of my break, so thats extra good. I hope the carpenter won't be coming so I can sleep in. I have to get the lumber for the trim and get that polyurethaned before he can put it in. I may pick it up Wednesday, it depends on what the day brings.

I better hit the books and try to figure out what I am doing.

God Bless

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

What the hell is wrong with people?????

I would like to think that people are all good at heart, sane, compassionate people. I know the world isn’t that way, but what a wonderful place that would be. I think its called Heaven.

I am about to give up listening to news altogether. I listen to a popular Chicago radio station. It’s a talk station, and it stirs up the brain cells from time to time. It helps me figure out which side of the road I am on. I agree with some and not others, so at least I know I am not like a sheep, at least most of the time. I don’t trust media, politicians, hardly anyone actually. It seems they all lie to work towards their agenda. I thought media were supposed to go after the truth, but they keep putting a spin on things. It depends on who writes their check and I hate that. Who can be trusted now adays????

Anyway, that’s not the main reason I am thinking about taking a break from news. Today I heard two very disturbing stories. The first one was about a man who was supposed to be tucking his daughter in while the mom was downstairs, and the little boy was asleep. Apparently he strangled the little 8 year old, shoved her head in the toilet to drown her, and when they found her poor little body she also had a knife sticking out of her neck. It’s hard to drive to school when you are openly weeping. What horrible thoughts were going through her mind? The person who is supposed to love and protect her was strangling her. The person who is in charge of protecting her from people like that was sticking her head in the toilet. On the way home they were discussing it again, and someone stated they thought he was doing something to her and she threatened to tell her mom or at least someone. That could be very possible. What kind of animal would murder his child, and that way???? Is there any hope for the world with people like that in it???

On the way home, I heard another story. Some youths were taunting a homeless man. He mooned them, and they proceeded to beat and stab him till he died. What the hell????? I don’t understand people. If you aren’t going to show compassion to people, then LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE!!!! What is so hard to comprehend??? I don’t get it.

God Bless, and please pray for humanity. I am so very sad. :(

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I'm caught up!

I got the homework done, and all turned in. My online classwork is due at 11:59 pm on Sunday night. I have 3 activities, a message board to post on, and a quiz to take. Last week, I turned in two activities, took the quiz, was relieved that I got a good grade on it, and went in to finish watching a movie with the kid. At 12:01 (no joke) I was laying there feeling like I was forgetting something. Then it hit me. I didn't turn in the last activity. That was 25 points I blew. I ran in here, booted up, got online, got to the site, and it wouldn't let me post. The system had already shutdown for the dump. Crap. I composed an email to the instructor, told her I realized it was late and woudn't be counted, but if she could still grade it so I knew how I did I would appreciate it. I explained how it was my fault, and I was just so happy to get a decent grade on the quiz that I forgot. She didn't mention it when she graded it, and then I saw that she had posted the grade, so that meant that she counted it. HURRAY! She knows I am honest I think, from a question I posed to her earlier asking about a website she wanted us to use. She said I was the only one concerned about copying from the site and by my asking it showed her my honesty. Also, since it was a Word document, I imagine she checked the revision date and time to see when it was completed. Whew. I am glad I didn't feel the need to make any changes before I finally submitted it. So far I am getting a B out of that class.
No homework for math, so I don't have anything due till Tuesday. I am going to work on that tomorrow so maybe I won't be finishing it up just before class. I hate when that happens.
I had my 2nd session with the intern Friday. We still aren't even done with the paperwork, but she said next week it should be done. She asked more questions, and I gave her honest answers. She asked about sexual abuse when I was younger. I told her I didn't think it was abuse, just exploration among children, only I was the only one that didn't know it was wrong. My parents were the kind who thought if we didn't know anything about it, that it couldn't affect us. If I would have had a clue it was wrong, it wouldn't have happened at all. I was the youngest in the bunch, and when there are 3 people acting like it was nothing unusual, except you weren't allowed to tell anybody, it took a while for me to realize. When I questioned it, it stopped. Except for that once, but that got stopped before it started. Long story, maybe for another time. Maybe not.
I told her about my friend who had been sexually abused when she was younger. She turned out quite different than I did. She blamed herself. Hers was an adult that abused her, and in my way of thinking, adults know whats right or wrong, and they should have more control. I still can't understand why she would blame herself. She didn't come onto him. I hear that about abuse victims blaming themselves all the time, and I don't get it. The intern said that I had even made the statement that my parents wouldn't have believed me if I told them. I agreed, but said too that it never happened again. I put a stop to it. Then she goes into how I am a strong person, and not everybody is. I told her I sure don't feel like a strong person. I guess I am. I see women who couldn't find their way out of a paperbag with a map, and it amazes me that they can function in daily life. I think some men like that because they feel that they are needed. I need someone too, but someone stronger than me. I can't feel safe with someone if I have to do all the thinking and the saving. I can't act like the helpless female, it gets boring. Besides, what if no one wants to help me? Hmmmmmmm, that is probably the real problem. I am strong because I have had to be, not because I want to. I am afraid to depend on anyone too much because there is a good chance they won't be there.

On a happier note, (time to switch gears here) I am officially old. That doesn't sound happier, but on this occasion, I will admit it. I have been listening to Uncle Kracker, whom I adore, and then we were listening to our movie soundtracks. (Scooby Doo, Robots, Shrek, Shark Tale, etc.) These are the only "newer" songs I can really get into. Today while I was working on homework, I decided no dancing music, time to sit on the bottom and get the work done. I started playing my "oldies" playlist and got into Mama's and Papa's greatest hits. I know all the words, and was having a great time. That is music. It brings back memories. I was barely in high school when I had a big giant crush on this kid who sat next to me in sociology class. I never paid attention in class, but doodled a lot. I remember writing California Dreamin with assorted hearts, doodles, etc over and over again. That night they played it on the local radio station and I just knew he had called it in for me. Well, maybe not, but I couldn't believe it was just a coincidence. I wonder if he is single? He lives less than 15 miles from me. (wink wink)

I finished reading the whole journal to date of the fat man walking website. He has sure came a long way. I was sorry to read about his marriage ending though. I hate that two people can't work out their differences when there are kids involved. It sounds like its amicable though, so thats better than not. I wish him well on the rest of his journey.

I had better get to bed. Things to do, places to go, people to see.

God Bless.

FatManWalking

I heard about this site on The Daily Buzz Friday morning. I sat here yesterday morning and read as much as I dared, time wise, and am doing the same thing today. Its amazing what this man is going through. More than a few things he has said on his site have spoken to me. This quote keeps running through my brain:

I have been battling my food addictions all along this journey and some days are better than others, but it is stress that can turn a successful couple of days into lost time with as little as a day of indulgence. Oddly, I do not particularly enjoy food and don’t overeat to treat myself. I subconsciously want to eat to relieve stress and sometimes that desire can lead to almost epic internal conflict that demoralizes me even more than the overeating does.

This loss of control and my inability to force myself to do the right thing is hard to face and again leads to more stress. The whole cyclic dynamic of binge eating is a self perpetuating mechanism that can only be stopped through introspection and understanding of the root causes. But introspection and loss of control are two things that mix like gas and fire in the soul of a troubled person, and this seems to be a paradox of human frailty and the desire for instant gratification.

Of course I am looking for some answers in my own life but I cannot avoid the philosophical implications of my discoveries along the way. This is true for me in every aspect of my life. It is not well enough to know that a thing exists I feel a powerful urge to understand why it exists. Unfortunately, I think that this makes it harder to feel that you have achieved any success because you know that for every bit of growth there is an infinite amount left. In fact the more I learn about myself the more I realize that I have been living in an illusion posing as reality. This may seem grandiose to you but if you really think about what we have to accept to get through our days you will so see that this self-delusion is not that difficult.


I am over halfway through the journal postings, and have to stop soon to do the Sunday homework, but had to share. This guy is an inspiration for me, thats for sure.

God Bless, and I hope you enjoy the site. :)