Thursday, November 23, 2006

I don't know what to name this post.

Gee, aren't I inventive today. I had a list of things I wanted to discuss, but got here and drew a blank. Where to start?

We had Thanksgiving at my neices house today. Her baby girl is growing by leaps and bounds and is a beauty. We had a good time. The boys had a great time playing together. I got to talk to my brother a little bit. I miss him. We used to be close, but that seems eons ago. I guess it was. He has been married now for over 25 years. Wow. Anyway,the conversation started about our grandmother. She has given up and is waiting to die. She is in a nursing home, laying flat on her back. She doesn't read, she doesn't watch her programs, she just lays there. They make her go to the dining room to eat, but thats it. Then we started talking about Dad being sick, and then we started talking about Mom. I miss her still terribly. She was my best friend, my confidant. Dad told my brother that sometimes when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can't breath, and he know thats how he is going to die. He is ready to go to Heaven and see everyone, but its the rest of the journey there that scares him. Someone told him that with the disease he has that he will just slowly suffocate. I didn't know it, but my brother saw my mom the night before she died. He said every breath she took put her in such pain it was awful to watch. I didn't even know he saw her that night. All of us kids were spread out, my sister was at the babysitters, I was at the ministers house, and I thought he was at my aunts. But he was there. He got to see her. He said he didn't tell her bye because he still didn't think she was going to die. After talking with the minister and finding out she WAS going to die, I prayed all night long that I could talk to her one last time, but it didn't happen.
I am sitting here bawling like a baby. I am too old to be doing this. I was bawling while we were talking. I am 47 years old and still miss my mommy. Sometimes I think I am made of stone and have no feelings at all, and then I melt down like this. My brother said that Mom had said she had seen Jesus, and she knew what her purpose had been, and she was ready to go, and she did. Wow. I felt so selfish wanting her back knowing she would be hurting. I was 10, needed a mom, not a stepmother who treated us like we were intruders into her life. I am glad that finally changed, but it wasn't until years later. We get along ok now. She is taking excellent care of my dad, and thats what matters.

Time to change subjects. I saw a wonderful movie this evening. I finally got to see The Lake House with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. It was wonderful. It was about love spanning time and growing. Its hard to explain, but it was done beautifully. I guess you could say I liked the movie. LOL. I won't put any spoilers in here, but I think every romantic ought to see it. It gives me hope that there is true love out there.

I need to close and go to bed. I am getting a perm in the morning, hoping it will make me feel better. I think I have put all the weight back on that I took off, and need something to perk me up.

Good night, and God Bless. Make sure your loved ones know they are, and make sure and count your blessings.

1 comment:

Renuka Agarwal said...

I have visited your space for the first time, I am glad I did...You seem to have lot of pain bottled inside....Release them all....I too lost my mom when I was 18 and my father remarried, but luckily I was married early so had love and support of my husband and my step mom was no angel either...but remember the beautiful moments and forget the sad ones...better forget the past and don't think about the future, live in the present and enjoy each moment of your life, feel happy and grateful for what you have...Your mom is with Jesus...feel happy for her...and you have your mom and dad in Jesus too...visit my space...wishing you happiness and joy...Have a great day...Life is never meant to be all happiness and no hurts or sadness...Everything will come but we have to keep our balance...Give happiness to others...share someones pain....do something small to put smile on some ones face and see your world light up with joy...God bless you