Sunday, September 30, 2007


I have had an epiphany.

I have been a spectator in my life, and not an active participant. I only do things when forced to. That's not a good thing, most of the time. I waited to buy a home when I got pregnant, thinking before that my knight in shining armor would ride up and take me away. (sorta. LOL) I just thought since I assumed I would get in a relationship, it would be easier if there was only one actual mortgage to deal with, presumably his. Yeah well, man plans, God laughs. Anyway, I am now the proud owner of a home, so I am happy that I was forced into that.

I started on this diet and exercise plan, because I need to find a job, and was afraid no one would hire me. Well, I now have the wind in my sails, and am going great guns on the diet again. I never stopped the diet, I just stopped losing. I have been stalled for a long time now. I have decided I am going to lose at least 8 lbs by Halloween, and another 24 by Christmas. It will happen. I am so excited to be that weight by Christmas. :)

Why the change, you ask? (I heard you. It's not just the voices in my head. LOL) Anyway, I heard about a DVD I wanted to see, so I rented it. It's called The Secret. I know, I KNOW. Most of it is crap. But what got me to thinking, was if you replace the "I have the power", "I form my own destiny" crap with "God has the power", "God forms my destiny" it makes so much sense. All this time I believed it, but I haven't LIVED it. If I trust God, then why do I let things get me down like they do? I end up having a pity party for myself, which accomplishes NOTHING. If I truly had faith, it would show. I plan on it showing from here on out.

After I had this epiphany, I said one of my down-on-my-knees prayers. I find myself doing that a lot more frequently lately. I prayed about the change in attitude, the job, etc. Within 24 hours I got a call for a job interview. God is working already, and I trust the outcome. I am so excited about this interview.

Today I worked on my "Couch to 5 K" program I tried to start a few weeks ago, and did a lot better than last time. (Google it, thats how I found it) I will just do it till I improve enough to go to the next step. Being as heavy as I am, I can't complete the first week yet. You have to walk briskly for 5 minutes, then a slow run for 60 seconds, then walk for 90 seconds, then run/walk/run/walk for about 8 times total. The last part is a 5 minute cool down walk. The first time, I did the 5 minutes, jog for about 30 seconds, then walked back to the car. LOL. Today I walked, jogged for about 45 seconds, walked till it got to the 3rd set of jogging, (I walked through the 2nd one) and then jogged the 5th one. Although I never did a full minute at a time jogging, I am doing better. The whole thing should only take 20 -30 minutes if done properly. I will do it one of these days. It said to do that 3 times a week, but not in a row. I am planning on doing it again on Tuesday. We go to the local state park, but I am always looking around to make sure no one is around when I run. I don't mind powerwalking with people around, but the pitiful attempt I make at jogging, well, that's another story. LOL

I fixed my hair today, to see what I am going to do with it tomorrow. I also used a depilatory on my upper lip, and I burned it. LOL Now it looks like I have chapped lips. Geesh. I hope it fades out by tomorrow. I tried on my clothes for my interview, and my son would have wolf whistled if he could have. :) I feel like I have awoken. I am primed and ready to go.

:) Keep me and my interview in your prayers please. God bless!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

A letter to my uncle....

Dear Uncle Bob,

I love you so. You have been more like a father to me than my own at times. I will miss your humor, your sarcasm, your smile (which usually meant you were up to no good, lol) and your voice. I think the last phone conversation I had with you was when you yelled at me for not charging for the webpage for a church. LOL. I know you were thinking of me and my income needs, but I was thinking of doing something for God's family and not taking money for doing it. I hope you can see my heart now, and know why.

I sat around the table with your children yesterday. They were going through the pictures of your life. There were so many pictures of you doing the things you loved. Wordworking, painting, decorating your son's wedding cake, playing with numerous children, including my own, riding a go-cart you had just fixed, and tons of other things. I found a wonderful one of you rolling around on the floor with my son when he was about 6 months old. They were telling great stories about you. Laughter, mixed with the tears. You are so loved. I hope you realized that while you were here. I think you did.

Don't worry about your wife. She is a great woman, but you realized that a very long time ago. We will take care of her. She misses you. She said it will probably really hit her after she goes to bed, then gets up to check on you and you won't be there. Your middle child and her daughter are staying with her for now, so rest assured she will be surrounded by those she loves, and those that love her.

I cry because I am going to miss you. I know its selfish, and I am SO glad you aren't hurting anymore. Give my mom a great big hug from me. Tell her all about my son. I'm sure she knows and watches us too, but it warms my heart to think about you two up there exchanging stories. I'm going to miss you terribly, and will think of you often with heartfelt love, respect, and gratitude.

I love you. See ya later.
God Bless.

*My uncle passed at 12:20 pm August 25th, less than 12 hours after my plea to God. Thank you God, for ending his suffering.*

Friday, August 24, 2007

Dear God...

Dear God,

First, I want to thank you for all of the blessings you have given me. I have a wonderful son, wonderful family, friends, and just so much to be thankful for. I get to see the sun rise in the morning, and set at night. I get to hear the crickets chirping, and feel the warmth of a touch. There are so many who don’t have that, and I am truly thankful. I may complain about my car falling apart, my home needing major repairs, but they are drivable and livable, and for that I am thankful.

I want to thank you for my uncle who is failing quickly, and ask you to put a tender hand on him and his family. It’s so hard to watch him suffer. Please give us all comfort and don’t let him hurt. He and my aunt has had 50 years together, and its so hard on both of them to part even for a little while. He is tired, and has fought a good battle. When I was a little kid, I was scared to death of him. I would hear my parents talking about how he beat his children. The bruises I would see on them were horrendous. Then he found You. He loves you so. I could tell the minute I saw him after finding you that his life was changed forever. He wasn’t scary any more.. When my son was newborn and had colic, he was the only one that could hold him and calm him. Sometimes I would call 9:00 at night and ask if I could bring my son over because I was ready to tear my hair out from all the crying. Once there, he would carry him around the house, talking softly, and G would relax, the angry lines would leave his face, and he would sleep. No matter how many times me or anybody else tried that, it didn’t work. Only my uncle could do that. His children, now grown, adore him They are so terribly sad watching him suffer. He went from a scary abuser to a sweet giant teddy bear who would give you the shirt off his back. I love him so, and feel such pain seeing what he is going through, and what his wife is going through. Please Father, don’t let him suffer long.

I want to thank you for my dad, for many of the same reasons as my uncle. We have had our ups and downs, and I love him so much. He is ready to go home as well. After all these years, he still misses mom. His health is declining, to where he is almost completely housebound. Please Father, give him rest. They say if you love someone, you have to let them go. I have to let them go. I love them so much. My heart hurts so much watching people I care about not being able to breathe well, gasping for breath with the slightest movement. It hurts to see the look of discouragement as the smallest task overwhelms them. Please Father, take them home. You know how hard it is for me to say good-bye. I have to. I know both are anxious not to hurt any more. Of course, Dad as talked about seeing Mom again. I would just love to see them laughing, and rejoicing, and not hurting anymore.

Father, I know you have a plan for me. You know I need a job. Please, show me what You want me to do, and give me the courage to do it. I am praying you will open the door you want me to go through. I keep applying, hoping the right one will be the one that calls. I don’t have much left of my retirement money. You know my financial circumstances Father. Please show me soon what you want me to do.

Father, please forgive me for my transgressions. I know I shouldn’t complain about my friends. It would be so hurtful to them if they knew. I just get so frustrated, and I feel the need to vent. Please forgive me, and help me to be a better friend. You know my friends, and you know we all need your help. Thank you Father, for my friends, and please help me control my mouth.

Father, I want to thank you for my son. I love him so very much. I worry about him not having friends in school. I worry about him fitting in. That may not be in your will. I never fit in. I think I am a good person, (well, at least most of the time.) I want to help point my son in the right direction, help him through life, and give him a soft place to fall when he needs it. Please help me to be a good parent, and please help guide my son on the right path he should take. I so want his life to be easier than mine. Please help me become more healthy so I will be around to help him, and so he knows there is always someone rooting for him.

Thank you Father, so much for all the blessings you have given me. I hope you know how truly grateful I am. Please watch over my loved ones and I. This is my plea.

In Jesus precious name,

Your daughter

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My birthday....

was yesterday. :) I changed it in my profile a little early since I was gomming around in there anyway. (spell check doesn't like that word, but it's the only way I know to spell it. LOL) I am officially 48 years old. Wow. I am still 5 years older than my sister, and 5 years younger than my brother, so I guess its not that big of a deal. It was nice. Every time my son didn't want to do what I did, or just be hateful, I looked at him and said "but its my birthday." He said I can't use that excuse forever. It worked for a day, which was good enough for me. Hahaha.

We went to see Harry Potter. We were going to go Friday, but my childhood friend called and wanted us to go with her to "big city" to celebrate and she had an errand to do. Her situation influenced my decision to start a blog, as my first post was written about her and losing her daughter to a drunk driver. She is still having so many problems dealing with it, and I completely understand. No one realizes how precious life is till its lost. She started a local chapter of Compassionate Friends, and I am working on a web page for them. She just has to get it ok'd through the group. She was my birthing coach when my son was born, and she sponsors him in Taekwondo. She has the most heart of any person I know.

Anyway, we had a great day in the city. Actually, it was an afternoon. She dropped me and the munchkin off at the bookstore, and went to her appointment. My son only wanted the expensive little kits you can get, where you can build a dinosaur, or a hornet, or a cardboard Hogwarts that consists of over 250 pieces of card board. I finally showed him the madlibs, and got him one of those. He LOVED it. I got a book by Teresa Tapp on exercising the t-tapp way. The girls on the message board I go to swear by it. People who have mobility problems can even use it, so when my knee goes out on me again, I should be ok. My friend and I had a lot of good discussions, and it was great to see her. She lives over an hour away, so we can't get together very often. She has been so sick and they are still trying to find out exactly whats wrong. (they know it deals with the pancreas, but nothing they are trying is working.) She has always been ultra sensitive, and I think the biggest problem is the broken heart. She is working on healing, but I don't know if a person can every really completely heal from a loss like that. We have been friends since the 2nd grade, and its great. She knows everything I have been through, so when we talk I don't have to explain too much. She knows my background. I know her background. We can talk in shorthand, so we get a lot more covered that way. Its so nice to find someone that UNDERSTANDS.

Back to yesterday: I got two birthday cards yesterday. One from my sister, and one from a friend. It was nice to get them. I never remind anyone its my birthday (except for my kid. LOL) so its nice when they remember on their own. I had an email from the friend that sent me the b'day card when I got up. I know she hit the network because within hours I had a phone call from one and an email from another friend wishing me a happy birthday. LOL. I asked her if she "reminded" anyone, and she acted shocked. LOL. Thats ok. I love her all the more for it.

After mail call, we went to the new Harry Potter movie. It was good, but it was the first one that I had read the book first. I kept watching for the things in the book to happen, and I was disappointed. I will still read the last book before the movie comes out, so I hope I'm not disappointed in it as well. I hope they are working on the next one now. I haven't heard anything, but I'm not obsessed with it either. (well, not much.) After we left the movie, I had a gift on my car from the small town we go to the movies in. I had my first parking ticket in over 25 years. LOL. When I had parked, I was afraid that the truck behind me wouldn't be able to get out, so I pulled a couple of feet up. When I read the ticket, I was pulled up about 2 feet into the yellow line. Geesh. $10 I could have spent elsewhere. See where being nice gets me!!!!! We went and paid it, then went to Taekwondo. The kid tests tomorrow for his next belt. He is doing very well.

Anyway, it was an enjoyable day. I am still getting hits on eHarmony. I can't respond, still. I get about 7 or 8 new matches every day, and about 4 "close match" notices. No big deal. It may not be just the fat picture, but I would make a wager its the biggest reason. Their loss. I am a dynamo in the sack, and they will never know. HAhahahahahaha

Time for Scrubs. Good night, and God Bless.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Can you believe I am blogging so soon???

I'm getting comments, so I get to respond. YAY! Thanks Bettejo for giving me fodder for another post. :)

I just changed my profile to say "A single mom".... instead of "just a single mom".... (the last . is really a period. LOL) It was pointed out to me that it sounds negative. When I first started this blog, I didn't know what to put there. I am just a single mom, not some political pundit, not some major journalist, or even a journalist wannabe. I knew my blog would deal with being a mom, being single, being frustrated, etc. I figured I would weed out the ones who expected more. I hate to disappoint, so I figure they know right off what my blog is going to be about. I think it sounds negative, because most of the time I feel negative. I have been depressed for so long, I don't even think about it anymore. When my friends whine and carry on about the horrible things they are going through, I listen, give sympathy, but don't let them know how I really feel. The horrible things they usually talk about is that their boss is a jerk, so they had a bad day, or they ran out of gas in the lawn mower and had to go to town and it messed up their whole schedule. Boo freakin hoo. No one died, no one got hurt. I listen, because I know how important it is to have someone listen to you. I console well, when I have the patience and its not something totally stupid. I never say things like "its no big deal", I say things like "they were probably having a bad day. Maybe after they get some rest, and YOU get some rest, tomorrow may be a totally better day."

Terrible things happen to good people. Thats a fact. I am a good person. I have had bad things happen to me. No one really wants to hear about it. I don't think I have had " closure" over a lot of things in my past that still affect me. Therefore, anything good that happens you can lose in a heartbeat. That's always my fear. Some days when my son gets on the school bus, I am always afraid I will never see him again. You just never know.

I have had a lot of negativity in my life. I was never "picked" last on a team in school. I was the only one left. I was always the fattest kid in school. My family was one of the poorest in town, and it seemed like everyone knew it. When my mom passed away when I was 10, I felt like an orphan, since she was the only parent I could talk to.

Even today. I signed up with an online dating thing last night, just to see. I got about 10 matches, so I read the profiles, but didn't decide to contact anyone, but see what happened. I made sure my picture was viewable before any contact was made. They recommend you show photos after contact, but I thought they should see what they are dealing with before that. I am fat. (or phat. LOL) I know there are a lot of fat haters out there. I don't want to deal with that as well, so I let them see the photo. When I woke up this morning, I had 4 "close contact" notices. I read the reasons, and one was "rather not say", others said things like "would rather keep looking", etc. There was one who asked me some questions, but if I want to answer him I have to pay up. Its $60 for one month, or $110 for 3 months. Well, with no income, I am afraid to take a chance risking the money. If I had a job, I would probably go the 3 month option, just to give it more time. The guy that asked the questions is 59, and I don't know how he would deal with a 10 year old anyway. I am torn. I will have to think on it for a bit.

Anyway, thats a taste of why I get negative. I try to put all my negativity here, so I don't expose my friends and family to it. It pours out of me, and lets me vent, then I go on about my day.

I edited my profile, and took out "just". Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes being single is better than the alternative. ;)

Thanks for the concern. I try to be more positive in my daily life. Like my profile mentions, I do this so I don't alienate my friends. They don't want to hear it.

God bless.

Saturday, July 07, 2007


Ok, it was only $3.00. But thats better than nothing, right? LOL. I only play about once a month, but I bought my new ticket as well. G even found the gamecube game he had been wanting at the convenience store when we went to pick up pizza. (Thats where I buy my tickets). I thought it was our lucky day, since the game was cheaper than we had ever seen it. We had to get it from the cashier, which is where we were sorely disappointed. He picked up the right box (gamecube) off the shelf. I paid for it, and when she went to find the game, she handed me one for playstation. :( G didn't get his game after all. I am going to keep looking for it. I had already given him the lecture of how he was going to have to pay me back, yada yada yada. A wasted lecture. I hate when that happens. At least I won $3.00!

I applied for another job today. That makes 2 applications in this week. I am thinking I need to set a goal of 3 apps a week. It sounds like a good goal. I just wish one of them would call and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. A friend of mine works at a local plant. She says I would love it there. The only trouble is, during the summer they work a ton of mandatory overtime. She said they have been working 7-7. Not good with a kid. She said during the winter you might get off at noon or 1ish. It just depends on the day. She said when you go to work, you never know when you are going to be leaving. It would be different if I had a partner, or if my parents still lived next door. Even then I don't think I would do it. (parents, anyway, partner, maybe)

My kid needs to be raised by me, not by my parents. Yikes! They are part of the reason I am so messed up. I figure my first responsibility is to my kid. Being the only parent he has, I can't take any job, at least not till he is older and self sufficient. Being a man-child, he doesn't want to be self sufficient, and fights me every step of the way. (My pb&j's taste SO MUCH better than his, etc.) He won't wake up with the alarm. He doesn't hear it at all. I will watch him when it goes off, and he doesn't even flinch. Also, I don't trust him for over an hour on his own. Coming home from school and me getting here an hour later would be ok, but not much longer. My neighbor said she would keep an eye on him on days like that, but she isn't always home.

I would like to find a job with regular hours, and not "scheduling." I am ADD enough to need a consistent schedule I can follow. Enough about work. (or lack of)

The diet is going "ok." I am only down 1/2 lb. this week. I really need to exercise more. (I say "more" laughlingly, because I just plain need to EXERCISE.) I bought some low carb ice cream and ice cream bars, and although they were both yummy, I have no portion control when it comes to that. I'm not getting anymore. I have an icee machine, so if I need a frozen treat I can make an icee with DaVinci syrup. That stuff is awesome! I need to get back to my flax muffins too. They help me feel full, and also help other things. :eek: I feel so much better in my jeans now. They are loose and it feels great instead of being stuffed into them with a muffin top. I can almost take them off without unfastening them. YAY!!!

I am really missing the company of men. I miss talking to them. At least in school I was surrounded by men. Being in the techy program helped a lot with that. I feel really secluded now, and just wish I had some male contact. One of my friends kind of freaked me out awhile back. Her husband was in one of my classes. I had met her before in tutoring, then found out that is the husband she was talking about. I went to visit her one day, and he was home. We started talking about computers, and she said "honey, there is the woman for you. She knows all about that stuff." I was embarrassed. She said that he wants to talk about that stuff a lot, and she has no idea and doesn't care to learn. He gets excited over stuff she has no clue over. He was embarrassed too, I could tell. Now I don't feel comfortable going over there. They are very happily married, and have 5 kids. When she said that it floored me. I'm sure it was done in jest, but it made me uncomfortable. I am sure not the type to be a homewrecker, especially since it happened to me.

Time to get out and mow the yard. God Bless, and have an awesome day!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Keep me in your prayers....

I'm going to go apply for a job in the morning. Its an office job. It's right next door to the place I used to work, so the drive would be ideal, since when I bought this house I had planned to retire at the place I was working. The job consists of customer service, typing, and data entry. I can do those. I feel pretty confident about my skills in those. A friend had called me and told me it was in the paper. I made a mistake however. :( The friend of mine who is working on her internship also gets the paper, and is more computer savvy than the person that called me about the job. I emailed my computer savvy friend (putting it loosely, because she still can't figure out why she can't change things on a cd once she burns it and its read only.) Anyway, I asked her if she could email me the ad from the newspaper. The response I got was that she typed it out because she didn't want to cut it out because her husband hadn't read the paper yet. I don't know if she thought it would make it invisible if she scanned it, or what. I've seen her scanner, and she could lay the whole paper on it, but I digress. She said it looked like a good job, and she might apply too. WHAT?????? Any time she has told me about a job she planned on applying for, I never did because she found it first. Now, if she applies, and gets the job, I will probably never speak to her again. I thought it was a courtesy thing, but I guess it was just a courtesy on my end. I am so angry with her right now for even suggesting that she go for it.
I waited awhile, so I could calm down. I then emailed her back that I hope they had more than one position open if she was going to apply too. She got unemployment 16 weeks longer than I did. She has a husband that makes good money. She has a son that lives at home that works. I haven't had income since my internship, which was less than $80 a week. That was in Dec. when that ended. I have been living off of (what was supposed to be) my retirement. I NEED THIS JOB!

I pray that I get it. I pray its the one God wants me to have. I pray that if this isn't it, I find the one soon that He wants me to have. I don't want to go through all my savings. I hate living paycheck to paycheck, and never having enough. My car isn't going to last forever. My son needs clothes. At the rate I am losing weight, I need clothes too. My "friend" acts like she has it worse than anyone else on the planet, and it drives me crazy. I have to remind her to be grateful for what she has. She has a husband who loves her and does anything she asks of him, and then some. They went to Hawaii for over a week. Then she complains about not having enough money. GIVE ME A BREAK! They only buy brand new vehicles, never used. They have a beautiful home.

I pray for my friend also. She really needs counseling. She has so many issues, but she won't go. (Thats one of her issues. She thinks they are all quacks.) I had an excellent counselor. But my friend thinks when you go to a counselor its because you are crazy. I'm not crazy. Just pissed at the moment. I am concerned about being able to support myself and my son.

Anyway, off of my soapbox. Please pray I get a job soon. This job or not. I want God to lead me. If they call, fine, if not, I hope He sends something else my way, soon. Thanks. God Bless.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I'm back!

I almost missed a whole month again. I wish I could say things have been happening so fast and I haven't had time, but sadly, thats not so. I am bored out of my mind, and don't feel like writing.

The diet is going well. Altogether I am down 41 lbs as of this morning. Its coming off slow and steady, but I was always told that wins the race, so thats fine with me. Its a lot better than going UP which is what it was always doing before. It seems odd that I can lose weight while having bacon and eggs for breakfast, steak, etc, but it really works. I feel good, and I'm not hungry. Well, not often. So, hurray for Dr. Atkins, may he rest in peace. He did this world a favor, at least this fat girl. (My son says I am PHAT, how cute is that???)

The job is not going so well. I had applied for a job, tested, had an interview that went great. I waited for a phone call that never came. They said if I get the job, they call, if not, I get an email. I didn't get either. I kept checking my junk mail filter, and nada. They were hiring for 8 positions and had a ton of applications. I am hoping I was at least 9th on the list of 8, so maybe they will notify me if someone doesn't show up for the mandatory training next week. I have to keep the hope. They had great insurance, flex time, advancement, etc. It sounds like a good deal. But here I sit. I haven't even applied anywhere else since then. Every day that goes by, my confidence goes down. I am sure a lot of it has to do with the semi-isolation I have myself in.

I went through graduation ceremonies. It was actually great. Being back on campus got the blood pumping through my veins again. I really miss it, and wish I had the funds to go back. That should be motivation to get a job, right? That, and paying for things like water, heat, electricity. I am using the last of my savings. I didn't want to do that. Anyway, on campus I could feel my confidence come back. The speeches were really great. I don't know how many people there were in my class, but they were very efficient getting us moved through. It was a flat 2 hours and we were out of there. My son sat with my friends husband and afterward we had went to the reception but it was very crowded. We had a little get-together earlier and I still had the cooler of pop in the truck, so the 4 of us sat out in the parking lot drinking Diet Squirt and Diet Coke. LOL I am such a wild woman! LOL

I missed a social opportunity last night, and today I regret it. I got a phone call earlier this week asking if I was going to my high school reunion. I had forgotten about it. My best friend from school didn't want to go, so I wasn't considering it. Then one of the guys I had seen around from school called. One of our old old friends (I remember her from 6th grade, and can't remember when she moved away) was coming from California for it, and they wanted me to go and sit with them. I hated school. I was poor white trash, and I hated it. Everyone new we were poor. My mom had died when I was 10, and home life was awful. Dad couldn't handle it, and remarried quickly. There was so much crap going on at home with new family and dealing with everything. Then school sucked on top of that. I had no one to talk to about it, except my best friend. (who was the one that didn't want to go to the reunion.) I don't know what had happened to her, but after summer break in the 7th grade, she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore. She wouldn't sit with me on the bus, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even pass notes with me. I never did find out what she was going through. She asked me awhile back what had happened, and I told her I never knew. It must have been something big, because her brother can't remember either, and he is having a hard time. I can only speculate, and I'm not going to do that. I had to tell her that she just dropped me and had no contact, so I never knew what had happened. She has really blocked it out. (We have been friends now for a very long time. She is the one that lost her daughter in a car accident and the reason I started blogging.) Anyway, my mom passed when I was in the 5th grade, and I lost my best friend in the 7th grade. The rest was pretty much a blur. I know I kept my head down all the time, and didn't like people looking at me. I remember a couple of the girls in one of my grade school classes. They were awful. They thought they were so much better than me. They almost had me convinced. When I would bring cookies from home for the class, they wouldn't eat them because they said they were dirty. I cried myself to sleep a lot back then. So,no, going to the class reunion wasn't something I was interested in. It wasn't fond memories for me. I wish now I would have gone, just to see the guy and his wife, and my old friend from California, and her husband. Thats another thing. They are paired, and I'm not. I would have liked to get together with them outside of the reunion, but they didn't mention it, so I didn't either. I am such a social flop. Life goes on.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I am feeling better getting rid of this weight. My house is cleaner. I am going to one website to help with the weight ( and another place to help get my home in order. ( They both have been very helpful. Flylady lets me know that it doesn't have to be perfect, and routines make all the difference. I even got rid of some stuff in a rummage sale. LOL. The house is sighing in relief. I know that me keeping a lot of stuff is just insecurity. I am afraid to throw any receipts away, etc., but am getting better.

Please keep praying about the job thing. I have to get my confidence back. I am a great employee, and I keep forgetting that. Take care, and God Bless.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I missed a whole month again

I was really going to try to keep up. I know nobody is reading this, and thats fine. I don't feel like I have an outlet, since I stay home almost all the time and only get to talk to adults on a regular basis when I take the kid to Taekwondo. I really need to do something about that.

Anyway, my crush on Zack Braff took a recent blow. I love him on Scrubs, and the few interviews I have seen. I am sorry to say I didn't care much for either of his movies, (so far). He has another coming out in a couple of weeks, so I will give it another shot. On Garden State, there were too many instances of drugs that I didn't care for. (Cripes I am getting OLD!) It definitely showed the dysfunction between family and even friends. The other one, of which the name fails me, was sort of so-so. I liked it better than Garden State though. Enough with the reviews. I still make it a point to watch Scrubs. I hope they renew for next season.

Ok, I made reference to the old thing. I have been accused of not being fun in the past. When I worked in the factory, some of the girls would sit around and talk about sex with their significant other all the time. I wasn't gettin' any, so I didn't want to hear it. Then I got known as the prude who didn't like to be around when they were discussing it. Then, after that awful break up I had, I quit drinking. No fun for me then either. Actually, a lot of it had to do with boredom too. I had the closest partying friends when I lived in Arkansas. When you have partied with the best, the rest pales in comparison. I miss playing quarters and downing beer (even though I hate beer.) I miss not being able to say certain words or having to drink. (like beer, drink, ok, etc.) Those were the good old days. Now, I have too much responsibility and no one I can trust to take over so I can get incapacitated, even for a little bit. Sad, really.

Ok, now another reason why I am officially old. I kept hearing the term "Indie." Like Indie movies, Indie music, etc. I kept thinking India was coming out with all these things that aren't mainstream, that I never heard of, or saw. Then, with my brainstorming qualities, I realized they were talking about "Independent". Geesh. I get it now. When I heard someone say it was "Indie" music, my first thought was "it sure doesn't sound like it came from India." Duh. I am really trying to stay on the same page in life. Really.

Ok, I started a new diet. (again) I went back to The Atkins Diet. I am monitoring to see if I have the swelling I had before, but so far so good. I'm not losing like I did the first time, but I have incredible energy. I took my son to see The Last Mimsy Saturday, and ended racing him to the car. Yes, I RAN. Not easy for a fat girl. I kept thinking "I hope I can stop without falling flat on my face!" Well, it ended well. I didn't embarrass myself at all. Of course, the kid beat me, but he is 10, so thats fine. He was as shocked as I was that I ran. During the night, I woke up with a pain in my knee. It feels like someone tried to wrench it from my body while I was sleeping. Now I am gimping around, and can barely walk. Geesh. I am tired of being old and fat. I don't have a choice in getting old, but I sure do about the fat. I was hoping to be thinner by graduation, but since that's next week, there isn't much chance of that. :(

God bless, and pray for my knee and a job. Thanks.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My dream

Last night, I had a dream about Zach Braff. I started watching Scrubs not too long ago, and I love the show. It makes me laugh out loud, and I know I don't do that often enough. I sleep with the tv on, and it comes on at 11:00 pm. I fell asleep during it, so I know I incorporated it into my dream. Anyway, in my dream, he came in, like a normal evening, and laid down at the other end of the couch. (I sleep on the couch) We were both reclining, and chatting, just friendly fun banter. Then we both settled down to go to sleep. (His head at one end, and my head at the other.) Then, I was almost ready to doze, (in my dream) and sat up, told him that "by the way, I wanted to let you know how adorably funny you and your show is. It makes my day brighter." He gave my that knowing grin of his, and we both nodded off. I just thought it was a cute dream. I really do enjoy him and the show a lot. There isn't much tv I make a point to watch, but I will that one. My son is the one that got me started on it.

I was supposed to go to a job fair today, but didn't go. I didn't sleep good last night so I napped as soon as kidlet left for school. Then I started not feeling well, tummy-wise. So I didn't go. I still need to go over and get measured for my cap and gown. Thats something I need to whine about.

My friend that is going to school keeps telling me how important it is for me to go to graduation. I, being a private introverted person, don't want to go and be in front of all of those people. She has been lecturing me about how important it is for my kid to see me graduate. To me, its just a ceremony. Like a wedding. If (heaven forbid) I should ever do that again, its going to be me, him, and the preacher. Anyway, she keeps telling me to get over there and get measured. Then last night, I get this email from her about how she got measured, and if she decides not to go, she can just cancel. I emailed her back, and asked what the F is going on. Yeah, I said F. (even when I cuss in Pogo chat, I use characters, not the real letters, like &*^%*^. At least everyone knows how I feel without having to say it. LOL. She said she may not walk. Holy crap. She likes drama, even though she says she doesn't. She still whines on a daily basis about how much homework she has, even though she has dropped half of her classes. Then she will tell me how she really needs to quit watching tv. I never had time to watch tv while I was in school. I even studied in the bathroom. When she has a freebie day, she says she has to stay home and get caught up on homework, and EVERY TIME she does that, she will email me that evening and tell me she didn't do anything all day. Cripes. She is getting on my last nerve. She has it so much tougher than everyone else. No one has it as rough as she does. She suffers from test anxiety. Big whoop. Its ok if I got a C in a class, no big deal, but it devastates her for days if she gets one. She can't function for a day or more if she gets a bad grade. I have told her she needs to talk to someone about depression, and she told me one day that it makes her cry when I tell her that, so please don't say that again. I said it was BECAUSE YOU ARE DEPRESSED! Then she tells me that the dr. thinks she is diabetic. I asked her when she was getting tested, and she said she wasn't. She didn't want to know, and she didn't want me to mention it again. So I did. I told her that she needs to get tested so she can find out what plan of action she needs to take. She said her dad was diabetic and it ruined his life, and he was miserable. I told her that was a long time ago, (about 20 years) and they have learned so much since then. I told her she needs to get checked before it does any permanent damage. She told me she is never telling me anything again, so don't mention it. I told her its not going to go away. Now, I don't know if she really doesn't want me to talk about it, or if she wants to see how much I care as a friend, and try to convince her to go. I really do love her dearly, even though it doesn't sound like it. I just don't like the drama. I blog instead of whining to people, (most of the time, anyway) and she whines to me. Some days I cringe when I see her name in my inbox. I get at least 2 emails a day from her, every day. Some days more. I even told her that with diabetes, she could lose a limb, or go blind. If she waits too long to find out, and doesn't start treatment, there won't be much they can do, which is probably what happened with her dad. I told her at least cut down on sugar and carbs, like pasta, etc. She said "but I like pasta." Cripes. I asked her if she liked it well enough to go blind. I get so tired of the damn whining. I hope she doesn't expect me to push her around in her wheelchair. (Of course I would, but mainly if we are starting out at the top of a hill.) LOL. I really do care about her, and thats why it bothers me so much. Diabetes can be managed, at least to a certain extent. If you don't know what your dealing with, you don't know what you should be doing. Then she said that since my dad was diabetic, I was a good candidate for it too. DUH. I had my blood sugar checked, and its always been fine. So there. That shut her up for almost a whole minute.

Better go, its time for Scrubs. God Bless. Goodnight Zach, wherever you are. ;)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Things are the same, only different

I still don't have a job. I am doing better though. I think the naps I have been taking have been helping with the depression. I still don't sleep well at night, but the naps during the day are my high point. Even if I don't nap though, I still don't sleep well at night. I have noticed the last few nights that I am actually dreaming again, so maybe I am getting caught up some. Dreaming seems to really relax me more, like telling me a bedtime story to myself while I am asleep. They have been good calming dreams, except the one where I dreamt that I had a really nasty crusty cold sore, and was thrilled when I woke up and discovered it wasn't true.

My uncle and my grandmother are both currently in the hospital. My Grandmother seems to be getting better and may be going back to the nursing home tomorrow. She likes it there now because she doesn't have to do anything. They cook and clean for her, and roll her over. She can sit and read all she wants.

My uncle isn't faring so well. I love my uncle. He used to be a mean vicious man who used to beat his children when they were small. I was terrified of him. My mom used to take me over to play with his kids sometimes when he was at work. I would hear her and grandma talking about how mean he was. I remember once he came home while I was there, I told my aunt I was walking back to my grandmas and decided to go the scenic route. I was about 6. My mom came after me in the car scared to death they wouldn't find me. I wasn't lost. I had to get away from the evil man who beat children. I don't remember how old they were when the bruises stopped. I know they had them in highschool. He discovered God and turned into one of the sweetest people you would ever be blessed to meet. His children love him dearly, and it shows. His body is failing. He has put it through a lot of stress over his lifetime.

The last time I was over at his house, (a few weeks ago) they were talking about a local hospital that got its charitable status taken away. He said "apparently they didn't treat enough indignant people." It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, picturing these indignant people, all nicely dressed, standing outside the hospital offended because they weren't being treated. (as opposed to the poor indigent people turned away for lack of money or insurance.)

When my son was a baby and was a collicky crying mess, my uncle was the only one that could lull him to sleep. He said he had a way with babies, which he did, but I also think it had something to do with the tremors he had, but we never mentioned them. I have a picture of him cradling my son in his arms, resting comfortably looking up into my uncles face.

He is tired, and wearing his wife out taking care of his needs, and he knows it, and that makes it even harder on him. He is ready to go, but she keeps telling him he's not, and he doesn't want to leave her alone, but he wants to go. I will miss him tremendously.

His life has shown me how much a person can go through changes over a lifetime and still come out ok on the end. I keep waiting for something to happen "FOR" me, instead of me getting out and moving the mountains that need to be moved. I have turned in a few applications, but not as much as a serious job searcher would. I keep expecting something to happen, to make life easier. I don't know why I feel that way, but I have since I was a child. I remember thinking that no matter what happened, I would end up marrying a great guy, having a great family, and live happily ever after. I think I still have that dream, even though I don't work at it at all. It should just happen, shouldn't it????? (yeah, I know.)

I am trying to get back on track with life. I think I have finally gotten bored at home, although if I ever started on a project, it would keep me occupied. I am afraid to start because I may fail.

I know I am getting bored when I actually updated Myspace last night. I changed the background and it looks great. :)

I hope you all have a blessed day.