Friday, September 10, 2010

Twice in the same year....

I'm back.

I hate to be such a downer, but I've been sitting here crying my eyes out wanting someone to talk to that won't pity me and try to make me feel better. I won't. Not yet. My daughter would have been 27 tomorrow. My heart aches. I know I posted about it before, it's in here somewhere. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I'm silently crying so I won't wake my son up. When he sees me cry for just about any reason (real life reason, not sad-movie reason) he starts crying too. My arms are aching to hold the child I never got to hold, I'm mourning a life that never got to be lived. Could it have been for the best? Life can be so hard. Maybe it was a blessing for her. Only God knows. I know my heart was shattered. I lost my baby girl, then my husband asked for a divorce a few months later. The sparkle went out of my eyes for a very long time.

Life goes on. I often wonder how the earth can still spin when so many people are hurting. How can the clock still tick like everything is normal? I can hear car horns on the highway, and wonder what is so important they need to disrupt the world with their worthless noise. People hurt. But the earth does still spin, the clock keeps ticking, and people keep honking their horns because they have places to go and things to do. We keep trying to cover up the hurts with bandaids, like alcohol, food, sex, anything to numb the pain till we can deal with it, like a scab trying to heal. Keep it covered till it goes away. It doesn't. There is still a scar.

Since losing my daughter, I have learned not to take people for granted. I assumed she would be in the car seat on the drive home from the hospital, and sleep in the crib I had made all the accoutrement for. I assumed she would wear the clothes I had shopped for, washed, and had all ready for my little bundle of joy. I assumed wrong. There are no guarantees.

I wonder sometimes as I would watch my son get on the bus, what if he never comes back? What if there is an accident and I never see him again? What if...what if.....

It can be a scary world out there. I'm tough. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Sometimes nothing can make me cry. Sometimes everything makes me cry. I try not to think about my daughters birthday. It makes me incredibly sad. It changed my whole life and sent me down a whole different path that I never thought I would have had to take. Then 9/11 happened with the World Trade Center. I haven't been able to even try to block the date out since that fateful day. The date was never really blocked out, but it wasn't shoved in my face all the time like it is now.

Appreciate the people you have in your life. You never know what will happen.....

God bless.....