Here we go again....

Another emotional day. My daughter would have been 34 today. There is no way I can ever forget. I don't think I would want to. I just don't need reminded. My bff is a firm believer in acknowledging this. She lost her daughter, and grieves differently than me. I don't like being reminded. She feels it's her duty to let me know my daughter isn't forgotten. Every year she calls me, texts me, sends me a card and a gift for my daughters birthday. Posts on fb that she's praying for me. She thinks she is honoring my daughter, but it makes me miserable. I would rather be able to pretend to the world that I'm ok. Really. 

After my last post, she contacted me. (she doesn't know about my blog.) She asked me how I was. I told her it had been an emotional day. I told her about the movie, about our classmate passing away, but not about me feeling alone and pretty hopeless about ever meeting that special someone to share my life with. She said she understood, after all, it is September. I hadn't even thought that far ahead. Thanks for the reminder. :(  I have told her in the past I wish she wouldn't do that, but she thinks she is helping me. It's not. I tried to tell her a long time ago it's not helping me at all, but she is doing it to honor my daughter. So every year I can't just mourn for my child lost alone, it has to have even more reminders I don't need or want. But my bff is my bff, and I don't know what I would do without her. We have been through a ton of stuff together and I love her dearly. She thinks she is helping, and I can't tell her again not to.

So, that's where I'm at today. Missing my daughter I never got to hold. Once I get over this crying jag, it will probably be another year before I cry again. I'm staying away from sad movies. Give me a good old comedy any day. 

God Bless. Please try to listen to someone's heart, not just their words. Sometimes caring hurts more than helps.

Hello old friend. I need you.

 I see you are still here, waiting to be needed. You are. It's been a weird couple of days (who I am kidding? It's been a weird life!) I need to vent. I'll just start with yesterday. 

I got a text from my brother. I love my brother, and his family, but was always treated by my brother and his wife like I was from his past life, and he had moved on. I always felt like I was intruding. We still speak, but we don't get together unless its a family reunion or I find some family pictures I think he would want. Him and my sister don't speak at all. (political differences, what else???) He let me know his wife is being put on the list for a double lung transplant. I knew she had lung issues, but don't know what they are, and it's private so I will probably never know. He asked for prayer, and wanted me to notify other family members. (only the ones he told me I could.) If anything happens to her, he will be lost. My heart breaks for them and the kids and grands. They are an extremely tight family. Please pray. I have been. I love them. 

So on to today....I watched a movie. A very sad love story based on real life. I Still Believe. It's a love story about Jeremy Camp and his college sweetheart and wife. It made me think so much of my mom. Jeremy's wife passed when she was 21 I think. Mom was 32. They both had cancer, just different types. I know how devastating it can be to lose people to that horrific disease. I still miss my mom. I'm 61 years old, and can still remember her reading to me before I started school. We used to go to the library all the time. I know that's where I got my love of reading from. It's also a great way to escape reality. 

Another realization hit me. Such a sense of loss and futility. I will never know the type of love that was projected in the movie. (yes, I know it was a movie, but I know people who actually do find love, and love deeply.) I will never have that in my lifetime. It makes me sad I missed that. I've been crying most of the afternoon. The movie just opened the floodgates. I loved deeply when I got married. I thought he did. Then he moved on. Now he is on his 3rd, last I heard. I honestly don't keep track. 

I know my son loves me. I know my bff loves me. I know my brother loves me in his own way. I just wish I had a special man in my life who would choose me to spend the rest of his life with. Someone to grow old with. My bff and her husband are a great example of what I wish I had. They disagree on things, but compliment each other through life together. She zigs and he zags and it all meets in the end. 

I don't think I'm marriageable at this point. I've been alone too long. I've been working on improving myself, but I can only take it so far. (losing weight, washing out the gray, started wearing makeup again...) I just feel hopeless. 

Then I get a text from a friend of mine after the movie was over. Her boyfriend of a year broke up with her this morning. Two short sentences written in pain. It started like a whirlwind and she was so happy. Her social calendar filled up, but we emailed and tried to keep in touch as best as we could. I answered her text, and just got an email back. She was totally surprised. Said she will be ok, but it's going to take awhile. Bless her. She's been prayed for. I've been doing a lot of that today. 

Then...(Yeah, when it rains it pours) I got a fb alert from one of my group pages that is usually dormant for very long periods of time. The main time it's used now is when we lose another classmate. I remember her from school, and knew she had married, but just found out from her obituary that her husband passed away 3 years after they married. She has a daughter, son in law, and grandkids, but she was a single mom most of the time. I had no idea. (we had a pretty big class, and I only went to 1 class reunion, so I only kept up with a few) A few years ago she had some very serious health issues and moved away to live with her daughter for awhile. She came back to the area a year or so later. I'm assuming she was still having health issues. She never said, but she seemed kind of frail. Fly high my old school friend. 

So, this is my pity party. I hope once I get this out in the universe this feeling will be lifted and I can try to be the shining light I try to be. (Really. ;) ) I try to be positive and upbeat, and can't stand being around negative people. But today is my day to let loose and unload. 

I feel better. I need to be getting back to prayer. There are so many people who need it right now. 

Please pray for your loved ones. And unloved ones. And our country. And our politicians. This world is crazy. 

God Bless.