Where to start....

I keep going day by day. I usually do ok. Today is not one of them. My son came over yesterday to help me with yard work. We worked for quite awhile, and got a lot accomplished, but the yard still looks horrible. My mower has been in the shop a couple of weeks. Still waiting not-quite-as-patiently...

Anyway, I don't remember what him and I were talking about, when I told him I don't think I will ever find love again. I wasn't looking at him, at first. He said "you don't think so?" I said nope, I took my shot, and that's it. I looked at him then, and he had such a look of sadness for me it about broke me. It broke me this morning.

I always wanted a true deep love. Instead I settled. I didn't think I could do any better, so I settled. I have settled a lot. 

The only thing I felt in my control was trying to be the best person, partner, parent, friend, employee I could be. 

Still, I miss what I wanted to be a major part of my life.

I question God sometimes on why I was on this road. As many diets, including fasting for weeks, vegan, keto, carnivore, taking supplements, not taking supplements, exercising, etc, why am I still morbidly obese??? I have been all my life. I feel like I have been making excuses for existing, since I'm not worthy because I can't even control my weight. 

I can't stand up to people like I should, because I feel like I'm a nuisance. I'm not worth their consideration, and that's a crappy way to feel. 

I quit asking why for the most part, except for days like today. I just try to do my best every day, even if it's just staying out of peoples way. I try to let the people that I care about know that I care. I have work mates from years ago that still keep in touch, one of them messages me daily, and we haven't seen each other in probably at least 10 years. She is in a really bad marriage so I think I am an anchor for her. She messages me a "have a wonderful day" every day so I message her back with an acknowledgement and positive thought for the day. She needs it, and I'm glad I can be there for her. Just because I feel like my life sucks sometimes, doesn't mean I can't try to boost someone else. 

I don't feel like this often. Today it really hit me, and I needed to get it out. Now maybe I can put on my happy face and continue like all is well. If I try to talk to any of my friends about it I will probably see the same look on their face that I saw on my son's face yesterday.  I don't want anyone to feel sad for me. Every time I close my eyes I see the look on his face. I don't ever want to see him sad again. 

Letter to my High School Crush Part 2

 Well, I don't know where to start. 

A friend messaged me yesterday and let me know that you passed away. I haven't cried yet, but I can feel it won't be too much longer before I break. I know I had "our" relationship built up in my mind, but I feel like I've always loved you, and now you are gone. I didn't get to show you.

I feel such a big loss. Honestly, after I sent you the Christmas card with my contact information I was really hoping you would contact me. When I contacted the friend about your passing whom I had told about sending the card, she said she was really sorry. She thinks the reason you didn't contact me was because you were really sick. I had known that for a long time, but was hoping you would still take the chance. I would have loved you so well.

To be honest, I feel like the last chance at a full blown love is gone with your passing. It's ridiculous, I know. You had no idea. I always had hope before, but it left with your passing. 

I hope you know you were cared about. Loved even. Sorry I never got to show you. Rest in Peace. Maybe I'll see you on the other side. 

My life as an Introvert

 I wasn't always an introvert. I used to be outgoing, party, not backwards. I had lots of friends when I was younger. Until I didn't. 

I was always the fat girl. Always. Still am. I didn't let it bother me, much. I had appreciated my friends so much, until I didn't. 

A few comments that I accidentally overheard, and pretended I didn't. About how I was such a nice person, shame I was too fat. I've always been the fat girl. The introversion started when I learned that I wasn't as accepted as much as I thought I was. I thought I mattered to people, until I found out what mattered more to them was who they wanted to be seen in public with. It broke me. 

I still have friends from school. People that know me and care about me. I have a few close friends I have made since then. 

I started withdrawing from people at a young age. I would get over it for awhile, until I heard it again, then would go back to withdrawing. I had assumed that people grew up and wouldn't hold that against me any longer. 

I had a cousin that was getting married, and she wanted me at the serving table. They wanted me to try on her sisters dress (she was really thin) but my aunt told me it would stretch, just to see what size I needed. It was really stretchable, so I stuffed myself into it. It looked horrible. I was just ready to step out of the bathroom with this horrible dress on when I heard one of my younger cousins talking about how bad it would look since I was such a fat ass. My aunt was mortified, and stood up for me. I was mortified as well. So I withdraw again....

I have figured out that people who say they are your friend, and act like your friend, may not be. That's why I'm particular who I spend my time with. 

I don't like to be in crowds. I feel like a moose in public places. 

Maybe when I get to heaven I'll find out why I'm this way. I have tried just about every diet I know. Keto worked for awhile. I went to Carnivore when it seemed to stop. Now I'm ketovore.  I've fasted, I have been vegetarian, pescatarian, calorie counter, exerciser, I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of the whole thing. I feel such shame for not fixing it. 

I just want people to accept me as I am. Maybe that's why I care so much for other people, the underdogs, the people who try every day to step out and do what needs to be done. The people who show up when they don't want to because they have to. 

I just can't anymore. I will keep my small circle of friends, avoid crowds, and live my life to the best of my ability. 

It gets really lonely sometimes that I just want to cry, but I'm safer this way. Some days I feel like my soul is bruised. Then I pray, and start hearing from people in my circle, like they know... 

God Bless, and I hope you have an abundant circle you can trust.