Letter to my High School Crush Part 2

 Well, I don't know where to start. 

A friend messaged me yesterday and let me know that you passed away. I haven't cried yet, but I can feel it won't be too much longer before I break. I know I had "our" relationship built up in my mind, but I feel like I've always loved you, and now you are gone. I didn't get to show you.

I feel such a big loss. Honestly, after I sent you the Christmas card with my contact information I was really hoping you would contact me. When I contacted the friend about your passing whom I had told about sending the card, she said she was really sorry. She thinks the reason you didn't contact me was because you were really sick. I had known that for a long time, but was hoping you would still take the chance. I would have loved you so well.

To be honest, I feel like the last chance at a full blown love is gone with your passing. It's ridiculous, I know. You had no idea. I always had hope before, but it left with your passing. 

I hope you know you were cared about. Loved even. Sorry I never got to show you. Rest in Peace. Maybe I'll see you on the other side. 

My life as an Introvert

 I wasn't always an introvert. I used to be outgoing, party, not backwards. I had lots of friends when I was younger. Until I didn't. 

I was always the fat girl. Always. Still am. I didn't let it bother me, much. I had appreciated my friends so much, until I didn't. 

A few comments that I accidentally overheard, and pretended I didn't. About how I was such a nice person, shame I was too fat. I've always been the fat girl. The introversion started when I learned that I wasn't as accepted as much as I thought I was. I thought I mattered to people, until I found out what mattered more to them was who they wanted to be seen in public with. It broke me. 

I still have friends from school. People that know me and care about me. I have a few close friends I have made since then. 

I started withdrawing from people at a young age. I would get over it for awhile, until I heard it again, then would go back to withdrawing. I had assumed that people grew up and wouldn't hold that against me any longer. 

I had a cousin that was getting married, and she wanted me at the serving table. They wanted me to try on her sisters dress (she was really thin) but my aunt told me it would stretch, just to see what size I needed. It was really stretchable, so I stuffed myself into it. It looked horrible. I was just ready to step out of the bathroom with this horrible dress on when I heard one of my younger cousins talking about how bad it would look since I was such a fat ass. My aunt was mortified, and stood up for me. I was mortified as well. So I withdraw again....

I have figured out that people who say they are your friend, and act like your friend, may not be. That's why I'm particular who I spend my time with. 

I don't like to be in crowds. I feel like a moose in public places. 

Maybe when I get to heaven I'll find out why I'm this way. I have tried just about every diet I know. Keto worked for awhile. I went to Carnivore when it seemed to stop. Now I'm ketovore.  I've fasted, I have been vegetarian, pescatarian, calorie counter, exerciser, I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of the whole thing. I feel such shame for not fixing it. 

I just want people to accept me as I am. Maybe that's why I care so much for other people, the underdogs, the people who try every day to step out and do what needs to be done. The people who show up when they don't want to because they have to. 

I just can't anymore. I will keep my small circle of friends, avoid crowds, and live my life to the best of my ability. 

It gets really lonely sometimes that I just want to cry, but I'm safer this way. Some days I feel like my soul is bruised. Then I pray, and start hearing from people in my circle, like they know... 

God Bless, and I hope you have an abundant circle you can trust.