Where to start....

I keep going day by day. I usually do ok. Today is not one of them. My son came over yesterday to help me with yard work. We worked for quite awhile, and got a lot accomplished, but the yard still looks horrible. My mower has been in the shop a couple of weeks. Still waiting not-quite-as-patiently...

Anyway, I don't remember what him and I were talking about, when I told him I don't think I will ever find love again. I wasn't looking at him, at first. He said "you don't think so?" I said nope, I took my shot, and that's it. I looked at him then, and he had such a look of sadness for me it about broke me. It broke me this morning.

I always wanted a true deep love. Instead I settled. I didn't think I could do any better, so I settled. I have settled a lot. 

The only thing I felt in my control was trying to be the best person, partner, parent, friend, employee I could be. 

Still, I miss what I wanted to be a major part of my life.

I question God sometimes on why I was on this road. As many diets, including fasting for weeks, vegan, keto, carnivore, taking supplements, not taking supplements, exercising, etc, why am I still morbidly obese??? I have been all my life. I feel like I have been making excuses for existing, since I'm not worthy because I can't even control my weight. 

I can't stand up to people like I should, because I feel like I'm a nuisance. I'm not worth their consideration, and that's a crappy way to feel. 

I quit asking why for the most part, except for days like today. I just try to do my best every day, even if it's just staying out of peoples way. I try to let the people that I care about know that I care. I have work mates from years ago that still keep in touch, one of them messages me daily, and we haven't seen each other in probably at least 10 years. She is in a really bad marriage so I think I am an anchor for her. She messages me a "have a wonderful day" every day so I message her back with an acknowledgement and positive thought for the day. She needs it, and I'm glad I can be there for her. Just because I feel like my life sucks sometimes, doesn't mean I can't try to boost someone else. 

I don't feel like this often. Today it really hit me, and I needed to get it out. Now maybe I can put on my happy face and continue like all is well. If I try to talk to any of my friends about it I will probably see the same look on their face that I saw on my son's face yesterday.  I don't want anyone to feel sad for me. Every time I close my eyes I see the look on his face. I don't ever want to see him sad again.