Friday, March 27, 2015

My past future...

I was thinking a lot about my school past these last few weeks. We have lost two classmates in the last two weeks due to massive coronaries (as far as we know at this point) We are in our mid 50's, and I know with me, it seems way to early for us to be dropping like flies. Both were women, and both were fun and fun loving people. One had rheumatoid  arthritis, which I don't know if that has anything to do with it, and the other was a shock to her family, so it must have been undetected.

I was thinking about the others we have lost in our class. One of the guys committed suicide a couple of years ago. He had injured his back at work and was in severe pain to where he didn't want to live anymore. Very sad. He was a great guy, and a lot of people loved him.

One of the first classmates we lost, was when we were in the 5th grade. He was the guy I was supposed to marry. I knew that really early on. He was killed in a car accident with all of his brothers on a fishing trip. I was thinking today what my life may have been if he hadn't went fishing. Would we have gotten married? We could have been grandparents by now. I could have the family and white picket fence I always thought I would have. All I ever really wanted was a family to love and care for.

It's just me and the kid. He's graduating high school this year. Then what? He will still live here for awhile. I want him to get some money in the bank before he tries to make it on his own. It was an opportunity I didn't have. Homelife was hell, and I couldn't wait to get out.

I say it was hell, but it could have been worse. I wasn't physically beaten, but was mentally and emotionally abused. I had to leave while I still thought I was worth at least something.

I can't help but wonder how things could have been different. I really thought he and I would be great partners and parents together. I still miss him. A sad thing was, he never even knew.

God bless, and let everyone you love know how you feel about them, before it's too late.  

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Time to blow the dust off....

It's been awhile. A couple of years I think. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. I changed jobs a little over 6 months ago. The last job I had I posted about when I started. It sucked the life blood out of me. I had to drive over 10 hours a week just back and forth to work. The money wasn't good, and every day I made the drive I got farther and farther in debt. Since I don't have much confidence in myself, I stayed there. I was afraid I would fail if I found something else. At least I had a job, right? I was losing all hope. Life feels pretty rotten when you lose hope.

My sweet aunt told me that a plant not too far from my home was hiring a ton of people. They pay very well, and have lots of overtime. I went from an office job to a factory job, and the transition hasn't been without some trials. I'm a "woman of substance" (ie: fat girl) so the standing for over 8 hours was a real struggle. It's a lot better now. The office job was killing me, keeping me glued to my chair all day, so now I have a Misfit Shine to find out how active I am and see how well I'm sleeping. The sleeping is still an adjustment, as I'm on 3rd shift. I'm getting around 10,000 steps a day in, so that's good. I've only made goal twice, but once it gets to be a regular occurrence  I want to increase it to 12500. That helps me to feel better.

Financially, things are looking up. I cancelled my credit card and am working on paying it off. It's going to take me 5 years to do it, but it was there when I needed it. I had to use it to subsidize things like gas to get to work, electric, phone, etc. The bill was so high I would save to pay it, then have to use it to pay what bills were due that I couldn't afford to pay. After I got this job, I contacted the credit card company and set up a payment plan to pay it off.I can't use the card anymore, but I only have 2% interest till it's paid off. It feels really weird not having a credit card as backup, but if I can be debt free in 5 years, it will be totally worth it.

Ok, that kind of catches that up some.

Now I have a rant. First, some background.

I'm not a saint. I know... hard to believe. I'm far from perfect, but I'm forgiven. I try to do the best I can. Being in the factory setting again is an adjustment I didn't want to have to make. This is the most foul mouthed place I have ever worked, that I can remember. I hear the F word at least 20 times a day, sometimes double or triple that. Between that, all the tats, piercings, women who talk about their wives, etc, I'm a little out of my element. I can roll with the punches, but I have started cussing (again) more than I like. It's just the culture, and it's easy to fall into. I try to mind my own business and not talk about others, but wow... there are some strange people out there. I need to unload so I don't feel the need to talk about them to other employees. (I just have to get it off my chest and let it to out into the one reads this anyway!)

I worked with a girl today who I can really relate to, in a lot of ways. She's a short fat girl like me, just a little shorter and little fatter. She's almost 40, and I'm 55. She reminds me some of the way I used to be. She wants someone to love her so bad, she puts up with way too much and seems to have no value of her worth. I gave her a lecture today, just a short one, but she quit talking to me the rest of the night. She meets men online on sex websites, and then hooks up with them. She can't understand why they just want to screw her and move on. She says she wants a committed relationship. She is seeing this one guy, but told me last week he's really odd, doesn't believe in God, but believes in aliens. He stood her up last week, and when she finally got in touch with him he said he had a better offer. I assumed she was done with him. Not so. She started telling me at work that he came over yesterday, and after he went in the other room to get dressed, he came back in and kissed her bye. WHAT??? I said is this the guy you said isn't sure about getting into a committed relationship? She said, well, we aren't sure yet. I said "why would he? You are his backup. He already let you know he had a better offer last week, and you still let him back in your bed. He's got it made." She said it was her choice. I said "you are a grownup, and can do what you want, but if you want a committed relationship, I don't think sleeping with every guy who is nice to you for a minute is the way to do it.  One of these days you are going to end up catching something you don't want." (she already comes in with open sores on her mouth) She keeps getting hurt emotionally over and over again. It makes her feel worse about herself, till she finds someone else to screw. Then a couple of weeks later when they are done and gone, she is hurt all over again. I told her I can't listen to her about her sex life. She can do what she wants, but I don't want to hear about it. I don't think I was clear though. I don't want to hear about it because it saddens me to see how much crap she will put up with just to get attention from a man who doesn't really care, just wants an easy lay.

Trust me, I wasn't being holier than thou. It makes me sad to see her make mistakes that I have done in the past. Some guy is nice to you, and it feels so nice to be noticed. I went out with a lot of guys I never should have went out with. I slept with men I never should have. I didn't value myself, because I never felt valued. It really saddens me to see her making some of the same mistakes I did. After going to bed with someone you really don't care about, it leaves you emptier than before. What you want isn't there. I always felt hollow. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I really miss it. But I make errors in judgement and hate the empty feeling when it's over. 

I may try to write her a letter telling her why I said what I did. I know she thinks I'm some old spinster who only had sex with her eyes closed, gritting her teeth while wearing her flannel nightgown with socks on. Just because I think a person's sex life is between them and the person they had sex with, doesn't mean I don't know how it's done.

Enough for today. Please say a prayer for her. I have a lot of praying to do for both of our sakes. God bless, and thanks for still being here after all this time.....