39 Years

 Today would have been my anniversary. I'm missing things that could have been, should have been. Would have been. 

He's on wife number 3, last I heard. So maybe it wasn't a "me" problem after all....

God Bless. 

Seize the day. 

Memories and old friends

 Dear Friend who shall not be named, 

I thought about you the other day. I hadn't seen or heard from you in years, (apparently about 30) but always wondered about you. The friend we had in common said he didn't know where you were or anything, and that he hadn't seen you around for a long time. (this was years ago when I asked him) 

I know when I was going through my separation and divorce we spent a lot of time together. You were part of my lifeline for hanging on. 

I remember smoking a lot of weed with you, when you could find it. We had some good times. I remember all the atrocious lies you would tell. But we all knew we couldn't believe anything you said. You were really bad at it. But you felt like family. Thank you for holding me when I was crying mourning the loss of my marriage, my child, and life as I knew it. 

Then, I googled you. 

I found your obituary. I'm glad you got married, I'm glad you had a child. It didn't mention an illness, just mentioned everyone that would miss you. Well, not everyone. I have missed you for a long time, but now I know I won't ever hear from you. 

Then I found the letter. The letter I found was written in 1992, when I was 10 hours away. I've been cleaning and found a file that had old letters in it. One of them was yours. I don't even remember getting it. You gave me validation in the letter, knowing someone cared. Even if it was a lie, I will believe it. You were very troubled and without purpose before I left, and I was heartbroken. We needed each other, but I couldn't stay. I'm glad you sent the letter. I'm glad I knew you. I will always miss you. 

It's so weird I find the letter just a few days after I found out you were gone. 12 years and I didn't know. 

I wish I could put my arms around you one more time.  

Still missing you my old friend. 

God bless.  

Looking on the bright side.....

Well, today was fun. lol

 Dear high school crush, 

I thought about you again today, and said a prayer for you. It's been many many years since we graduated, but I think about you often. Not like a stalker or anything, but I hope you have had a good life. I hope you were loved the way I wanted to love you. I hope you had someone to cook your favorite meals, meeting you at the door with gladness that you were home after a day at work. I hope you had someone who got you your favorite gifts for birthdays, Christmas, and just becauses. 

I think my crush started in Jr. High. I remember sending you a card and signing it anonymously. I heard some of your friends at school asking if any of them sent it. I scurried away because my face was turning red. 

A few months ago I told one of my friends about my crush. Of course she had to do some digging, she was friends with some of your friends, so she sent me your address, phone number, and let me know you had been married for a short time, but not for a long long time. 

She asked me why I didn't contact you, or let you know when we were in school about the crush I had on you. I did that for your sake. I was the fat ugly poor girl. If your friends found out I had a crush on you, I was afraid they would tease you like they did me. I just loved you from afar. I was doing it for you. 

I saw you in Walmart once. You were at the end of an aisle I turned down. As soon as I saw you my heart jumped in my throat and I turned around and left the aisle. I didn't know that was possible after so many years. 

I pray for you often, that you are having a good life. I'm hoping if I ever see you in public again that I will have the courage to speak and act like a normal person, not the schoolgirl crush person. 

Are you the same quiet, shy gentle giant you were in school? You may not have been overly tall, but you were in my heart. 

I pray you have a good rest of your life. If we perchance to meet, I'll try to act like a grownup and not a cow-eyed love struck girl. Or maybe I will. I just wanted someone to know that you have always been cared about. Even if it was by an ugly fat poor girl. I'm comfortable with who I am now, except for the fat part. My heart has always had room for you. I hope you can feel that from here. 

God bless

My burden

 I have been fat my whole life, even as a 3 year old, as far back as I've been told. Actually, I found a letter my mom wrote my grandmother When I would have been 2 that said I tried eating the cake off of the birthday card she had sent me. Food and weight has always been an issue. 

I am morbidly obese. I have been most of my life. I have tried everything to fix it, except surgery. I have fasted for 7 days at a time, I have done cleanses, keto, carnivore, tried to exercise my ass off, etc. and everything has failed. 

I have lymphedema. I think I have lipolymphedema. I went to physical therapy for 3 weeks where they wrapped my legs. The first week I lost 10 lbs of fluid just in my legs. She said I also have it in my torso. That explains some of the extra weight, but not all. I normally eat between 800 and 1500 calories daily. I am sugar free. I am gluten free. (all except on RARE occasions) 

I have prayed and prayed for this burden to be lifted. I just have to turn it over to God and leave it. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of people telling me I need to exercise more, eat less. 

I lost 80 lbs when I first started keto, but then the weight loss stopped. So I went to carnivore. No change. I ended up gaining about 30 back. Very disheartening. I tried occasional cheat days to try to get out of the slump. No difference. 

I asked my dr. if it could be hormonal. He said could be, but my numbers are good, so he sees no problem. 

I have some mobility issues because of the fluid in my legs, and arthritis in my knees, but I try my best. I know people think I'm just lazy and sit around eating all the time. "They" probably think I lay around in bed all the time too. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night. Sometimes 3, sometimes 5. If I'm awake, I'm up. I don't laze around in bed. 

Apparently, it's ok to pick on fat people and letting them know they are fat and they need to do something about it. That seems to be acceptable to some. Trust me, fat people know they are fat. I understand the fat positivity movement, but don't agree with all of it. I think we should be treated as well as any other "flaw."  I'm tired of people pointing out things like "maybe park at the end of the parking lot so you can get more exercise" kind of thing. I don't ride around Walmart in a wheelchair cart. I don't stalk the parking lot or find a place close to the door (well, maybe if it's really cold or raining, but that's normal, right?)

I was talking to a friend of mine about me not sleeping. I told her its not doing my weight any good either. I'm sure my metabolism is down the tubes. She said "snacking too much when you aren't sleeping could be a problem."  I don't snack. I told her I only eat twice a day. She was surprised. She's a daily snacker, but doesn't have a weight problem. 

I just had to let off some steam. I'm tired. I'm going to let go and let God. Did he MAKE me this way? Any particular reason for this burden? IDK. I wish I could be in on the secret. I'll continue to pray about it, and do my best. 

God bless. Throwing up a prayer for me wouldn't hurt either. Thanks. 

Medication costs! Wow!

 Well, I made the Dr. appt. I went in this morning. We had a nice chat. I asked about the fat/sleeping, sleeping/fat thing. He said probably both. They are doing bloodwork. I'll probably find out the results tomorrow. I have another appointment with him next month. 

I told him about my sleep apnea thing. He's going to send a sleep clinic my info and they are suppose to contact me. I sure hope my insurance comes through.

I have a female issue I told him about. Although I hate taking meds, I asked for a prescription for something that was highly recommended to me. I was told it's a game changer for my issue. They sent the script to my pharmacy. 

I went to get it after my appointment, but did my shopping first since I'm sure it was just turned in. When I got there they hadn't filled it yet. I gave her my new insurance card, and asked if she could see if it was covered. It took her a few minutes to put my new information in. She finally got to look it up, and my insurance has to get with my dr to see if I can get it before they will approve. I asked how much it was out of pocket. It's over $500 per month!!!!! 1 pill daily. I even checked GoodRX, and the best price I could find was $476. I guess I will never get this issue treated. It would be helpful, but it's not life threatening. I would rather do stupid things with my money, like pay my property taxes, buy food, put gas in my car, etc. 

Holy cow. Something needs done about this health care system. It's out of control. 

God Bless. Stay healthy!

Fat and Sleep

 Wherefore art thou sleep? Yeah, ok. I won't be poetic, but I have an honest question.

Am I fat because I'm a lousy sleeper, or am I a lousy sleeper because I'm fat? That is my question of the day. 

I have never been a good sleeper. Not since my thoughts were awakened to the fact when it was naptime, I couldn't nap. Also, when it was bedtime I would lie there for hours waiting till I would sleep. As a grade schooler I started roaming around my bedroom till midnight or after till I could go to sleep. I think that may be what gave me my love of reading. I could do it for hours with no interruption. 

Even now, I usually can't fall asleep till midnight or after, but wake up between 3 and 5 am. No matter what time I go to sleep, I get up around 4 or so. Lately its been 3 am. 

I have also always been overweight. Not just a little, but a LOT. I have tried to diet, sometimes successfully for a bit, and sometimes failing. I have lost up to 80 lbs, and have gone back up 30. It seems no matter what I have tried the last year, it just steadily goes back up. Something needs to give.

My fitbit says I'm a lousy sleeper. My oxygen levels are sporadic at night, peaking into the orange zone at least 4 times a night. I have also been told I'm an extremely loud snorer. I can attest to that, since I have woken myself up more than once wondering what the horrendous noise was. 

I had to change physicians due to job change (It's official, I'm retired) and I had to set a primary care. I have never been to him, and don't even know if he is accepting new patients. I tell myself late every Friday that Monday morning my goal is to call and see if I can get in. I want to get my hormone levels checked (due to the not losing weight thing, but losing hair thing) and see if maybe I could get a sleep study done. Then every Monday I think I'll do it later. Then on Friday it starts all over again. 

I really don't like drs. I get tired of being told I'm fat. I have letters my mom wrote that my grandma saved when we moved out of state when I was 2. She was telling my grandma how I want to eat all the time, and tried to eat the cake off the front of my birthday card. I remember the dr. telling my mom I was just lazy. It's always been an issue. 

I don't overeat now. I haven't for a long time. I follow a more ketovore lifestyle. Usually more carnivore than keto. I did BBB & E for 7 weeks and didn't lose anything.  That's not right. 

I'm trying to talk myself into calling the dr. Today. I've got 2 hours before they close. Today. 

I just started listening to a book called "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker. It's been enlightening so far. I think I'm going to give up coffee and all caffeine for awhile. I drink 1 pot of caffeinated in the morning, and drink decaf the rest of the day. He said there is still 15 to 30% caffeine in the decaf that there is in regular. I drink about 3 pots of decaf a day. If I quit that, I may end up in a coma. I won't know till I try. I've not always been a coffee or caffeine addict. I am now though. 

Wish me luck, and God Bless.