Saturday, July 04, 2015


I can’t explain it. I have no idea why, but I get highly emotional about patriotic stuff. I was at a concert and they started playing a patriotic song. They asked that anyone who was in the military stand up when their branch was mentioned. I saw people, young and old, standing up as each branch was brought up in song. There were people standing scattered throughout the audience. With each person standing, the tears started falling down my face faster and faster. I was a mess by the time it was over. 

I don’t know when I started having this type of reaction. I was too young when my uncles were in the military to understand. One of them was out of the army before I was born. He has a purple heart and a few less fingers than he did when he went in. I can vaguely remember my other uncle being gone for a very long time, but it was during peace time and he saw no conflicts. 

Today I was driving through town, and there was “The Wall” set up at the fairgrounds. I was just driving by the fairgrounds and then I saw it from the road. Immediately tears started flowing. Even from that distance there were so many names, columns and columns. I think about the last things they felt, the last things they saw. My heart breaks for all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, wives, and kids that were impacted by the loss of each human being. They were so much more than a name on a monument. 

Maybe that is why I get the reaction. So much loss. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. Not as much as some, but I don’t deal well with loss. When I was a kid and my dog got ran over, she was buried in the ditch. I used to go out there and cry by the side of the road. 

I miss my mom. She passed when I was 10. I miss my baby girl that I never got to hear cry. I miss my dad. I guess with each person’s name on that wall, I take on the pain of the people they left behind.  

That doesn’t explain why I still cry when I see military people who have made it home and lived their life with their families, so I guess I don’t really know why. I know sometimes when I see the US flag flying in the breeze, I get all teared up as well. 

Our country is going to hell, and it makes me so sad and afraid to where we are heading. The freedoms our forefathers fought for with their lives for are being sold to the highest bidder. 

 Dear God, please help us.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

My trip to the doctor

I haven't been to the dr in quite awhile. (probably a year) and I knew I needed to get checked for my diabetes. I quit taking my meds around October. I signed up for a free diabetic foot clinic last week, and they put me in touch with a general physician who specializes in diabetes treatment. I went yesterday.

He seems like a very nice man. They told me he will probably retire in a couple of years, but he has been recommended by a few people I know, so I thought I would give it a whirl. He kept calling me "kiddo" which I adored since I'm anything but, but I'll take it!

I have a terrible fear of needles. I always have. I passed out in the 5th grade from a tb test, which they told me wasn't a needle, but they used a gun like thing on my arm and down I went. So, yesterday, he orders a tetanus shot (since it's probably been 20 years since I had one), plus I had to pee in a cup and then go get blood drawn for some tests he wanted ran. The last dr. I saw also wanted these same tests, but I had no insurance at the time, and had to go to a lab in a different town. Fortunately (or rather UNfortunately) this office is right down the hall to the lab, so I went. I let them know I don't do needles well, and my veins run and hide when one gets close. I tried to donate blood to get over my fear of needles, but it backfired and now my veins seem to have formed some sort of emergency escape plan. On to the lab....

The phlebotomist was a very nice young lady. She got me all ready to go, I told her my problem with needles, and she said she would try to make it as painless as possible. In she goes into my left arm (I feel dumb, I don't know what it's called right now, but it's in the inside of my elbow...) She starts getting some blood, and it decides to stop. Dead. She starts wiggling the needle around, and around, and around and can't get it to start again. So, she takes it out and tries for the right inner elbow. She taps and taps around to get the vein to stand out, and in she goes. Nothing. Not even a drop of blood. She goes for reinforcements.

The next girl is a little older, and just as pleasant as the first one. They are both hovering over me. Did I mention I don't like needles? So, she starts going in on the back of my right hand. She says I have crappy veins like she does. I say "Thank you" trying to keep the mood light. I just want to get out of there. So, she starts digging around on the back of my hand, and digging, and digging, and digging..... I start feeling real queasy, and look towards the wall as it starts to get fuzzy.... I told her I think I'm getting ready to pass out. I started having all these conversations in my head. It seemed real, but I wasn't there. Makes about as much sense writing it out as it did to me yesterday when I was feeling it. Anyway, I try to open my eyes and it feels like there are weights holding my eyelids down. I finally hear my name being said over and over, and finally get my eyes to open and there are 4 women hovering around me patting me on the arm, and the back trying to get me awake. Yep, I passed out in the lab. I had to sit there for awhile before I would even try to stand. The original girl brought me a glass of water and I just took my time. They sure didn't need to try to pick me up off the floor. I was at the dr. and the lab for almost 2 hours. I drove straight to Wendy's, got me something to eat, and went straight home. So much for getting groceries and gas. Here is the first puncture they made yesterday:

Yeah, it's not pretty. My son thought I was just being a baby till he saw this. I told them next time it might be easier if they can just cut my fingertip off. They are so over-rated anyway. :) (I have to laugh, they did the best they could, it's just these Ninja veins of mine wasn't having any of it!)

The dr's office just called. My numbers were all good (A1C was 6.3, and I've been a very bad girl these last few months. (Easter candy, what can I say?) But he said just to watch my diet and exercise, and come back to see him in 4 months. He mentioned pap smears and mammograms yesterday. Yippee! So much to look forward to! (ummm, sarcasm.)

Well, stay safe, God Bless, and take care of your health. You are the only you God made. There is no other. 

Friday, March 27, 2015

My past future...

I was thinking a lot about my school past these last few weeks. We have lost two classmates in the last two weeks due to massive coronaries (as far as we know at this point) We are in our mid 50's, and I know with me, it seems way to early for us to be dropping like flies. Both were women, and both were fun and fun loving people. One had rheumatoid  arthritis, which I don't know if that has anything to do with it, and the other was a shock to her family, so it must have been undetected.

I was thinking about the others we have lost in our class. One of the guys committed suicide a couple of years ago. He had injured his back at work and was in severe pain to where he didn't want to live anymore. Very sad. He was a great guy, and a lot of people loved him.

One of the first classmates we lost, was when we were in the 5th grade. He was the guy I was supposed to marry. I knew that really early on. He was killed in a car accident with all of his brothers on a fishing trip. I was thinking today what my life may have been if he hadn't went fishing. Would we have gotten married? We could have been grandparents by now. I could have the family and white picket fence I always thought I would have. All I ever really wanted was a family to love and care for.

It's just me and the kid. He's graduating high school this year. Then what? He will still live here for awhile. I want him to get some money in the bank before he tries to make it on his own. It was an opportunity I didn't have. Homelife was hell, and I couldn't wait to get out.

I say it was hell, but it could have been worse. I wasn't physically beaten, but was mentally and emotionally abused. I had to leave while I still thought I was worth at least something.

I can't help but wonder how things could have been different. I really thought he and I would be great partners and parents together. I still miss him. A sad thing was, he never even knew.

God bless, and let everyone you love know how you feel about them, before it's too late.  

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Time to blow the dust off....

It's been awhile. A couple of years I think. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. I changed jobs a little over 6 months ago. The last job I had I posted about when I started. It sucked the life blood out of me. I had to drive over 10 hours a week just back and forth to work. The money wasn't good, and every day I made the drive I got farther and farther in debt. Since I don't have much confidence in myself, I stayed there. I was afraid I would fail if I found something else. At least I had a job, right? I was losing all hope. Life feels pretty rotten when you lose hope.

My sweet aunt told me that a plant not too far from my home was hiring a ton of people. They pay very well, and have lots of overtime. I went from an office job to a factory job, and the transition hasn't been without some trials. I'm a "woman of substance" (ie: fat girl) so the standing for over 8 hours was a real struggle. It's a lot better now. The office job was killing me, keeping me glued to my chair all day, so now I have a Misfit Shine to find out how active I am and see how well I'm sleeping. The sleeping is still an adjustment, as I'm on 3rd shift. I'm getting around 10,000 steps a day in, so that's good. I've only made goal twice, but once it gets to be a regular occurrence  I want to increase it to 12500. That helps me to feel better.

Financially, things are looking up. I cancelled my credit card and am working on paying it off. It's going to take me 5 years to do it, but it was there when I needed it. I had to use it to subsidize things like gas to get to work, electric, phone, etc. The bill was so high I would save to pay it, then have to use it to pay what bills were due that I couldn't afford to pay. After I got this job, I contacted the credit card company and set up a payment plan to pay it off.I can't use the card anymore, but I only have 2% interest till it's paid off. It feels really weird not having a credit card as backup, but if I can be debt free in 5 years, it will be totally worth it.

Ok, that kind of catches that up some.

Now I have a rant. First, some background.

I'm not a saint. I know... hard to believe. I'm far from perfect, but I'm forgiven. I try to do the best I can. Being in the factory setting again is an adjustment I didn't want to have to make. This is the most foul mouthed place I have ever worked, that I can remember. I hear the F word at least 20 times a day, sometimes double or triple that. Between that, all the tats, piercings, women who talk about their wives, etc, I'm a little out of my element. I can roll with the punches, but I have started cussing (again) more than I like. It's just the culture, and it's easy to fall into. I try to mind my own business and not talk about others, but wow... there are some strange people out there. I need to unload so I don't feel the need to talk about them to other employees. (I just have to get it off my chest and let it to out into the one reads this anyway!)

I worked with a girl today who I can really relate to, in a lot of ways. She's a short fat girl like me, just a little shorter and little fatter. She's almost 40, and I'm 55. She reminds me some of the way I used to be. She wants someone to love her so bad, she puts up with way too much and seems to have no value of her worth. I gave her a lecture today, just a short one, but she quit talking to me the rest of the night. She meets men online on sex websites, and then hooks up with them. She can't understand why they just want to screw her and move on. She says she wants a committed relationship. She is seeing this one guy, but told me last week he's really odd, doesn't believe in God, but believes in aliens. He stood her up last week, and when she finally got in touch with him he said he had a better offer. I assumed she was done with him. Not so. She started telling me at work that he came over yesterday, and after he went in the other room to get dressed, he came back in and kissed her bye. WHAT??? I said is this the guy you said isn't sure about getting into a committed relationship? She said, well, we aren't sure yet. I said "why would he? You are his backup. He already let you know he had a better offer last week, and you still let him back in your bed. He's got it made." She said it was her choice. I said "you are a grownup, and can do what you want, but if you want a committed relationship, I don't think sleeping with every guy who is nice to you for a minute is the way to do it.  One of these days you are going to end up catching something you don't want." (she already comes in with open sores on her mouth) She keeps getting hurt emotionally over and over again. It makes her feel worse about herself, till she finds someone else to screw. Then a couple of weeks later when they are done and gone, she is hurt all over again. I told her I can't listen to her about her sex life. She can do what she wants, but I don't want to hear about it. I don't think I was clear though. I don't want to hear about it because it saddens me to see how much crap she will put up with just to get attention from a man who doesn't really care, just wants an easy lay.

Trust me, I wasn't being holier than thou. It makes me sad to see her make mistakes that I have done in the past. Some guy is nice to you, and it feels so nice to be noticed. I went out with a lot of guys I never should have went out with. I slept with men I never should have. I didn't value myself, because I never felt valued. It really saddens me to see her making some of the same mistakes I did. After going to bed with someone you really don't care about, it leaves you emptier than before. What you want isn't there. I always felt hollow. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I really miss it. But I make errors in judgement and hate the empty feeling when it's over. 

I may try to write her a letter telling her why I said what I did. I know she thinks I'm some old spinster who only had sex with her eyes closed, gritting her teeth while wearing her flannel nightgown with socks on. Just because I think a person's sex life is between them and the person they had sex with, doesn't mean I don't know how it's done.

Enough for today. Please say a prayer for her. I have a lot of praying to do for both of our sakes. God bless, and thanks for still being here after all this time.....

Thursday, March 22, 2012

True story....

On my way home from work, some evenings I order a pizza so it will be ready when I get close to home and I can just swing in and pick it up. Yesterday evening was one of those days. Here was the conversation when I called:

Me: Hi, I would like to order two large pizzas.
Her: Okay, what would you like?
Me: I would like a large beef bbq pizza....
Her: Hmmmm........uh.......uh..... well, we have a bbq beef pizza....
Me: That's the one.
Her: Ok, a large?
Me: Yes
Her: ok, name?
Me: Jones* (name is changed, but it's equally common and identifiable.)
Her: Can you spell that?
Me: J-O-N-E-S
Her: Will that be all?
Me: No, I want to order another large pizza.
Her: Another one?
Me: yes. I want a large pepperoni pizza.
Her: Got it. Name?
Me: Jones. (???)
Her: hee hee, Oh, I'm sorry. Hahaha.............(silence)..........(more silence).............(even more silence)..............Hello?
Me: yeah?
Me: 555-1212*
Her: ok, that will be 55 minutes.
Me: Thanks!

Holy freakin cow! I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Usually it takes 20 minutes, 30 tops. It was the weirdest phone call I've ever had just trying to order pizza. Instead of picking it up on my way home, I came home, killed about 20 minutes, then took the kid to town so he could get some dinner before he had practice. He shoveled a slice down while I was taking him to practice.

I don't know if it's because of her age (she just started going to a jr college,) my age, (I'm older, and tired of putting up with crap and expect businesses to hire people who at least know how to talk on a phone and take a pizza order, if that's part of their business) or do I expect too much?

Is it society as a whole that's flaking out? I've been other places and seen other people who seem very inept at what they are doing, even when they are simple tasks. I don't want to be prejudice, but most of them are younger. Is it the way they have changed the learning process at school maybe where they can't seem to think on their own and come up with their own ideas? I know my kids tests are almost all multiple choice and fill in the blank from a word bank with no essay questions where they actually have to use their brain to reason and think, and not just dump memorized facts out of their faces. It makes me think of Bugs Life, when a leaf gets in the way of the line of ants and they all panic because they can't follow the exact trail. They are panicking because they have no clue what to do, till an older and wiser ant has to lead them. .

What are we coming to, as a society? Or am I just a grump? Nah, that can't be it. :)

Thanks for reading. God bless.

Friday, September 16, 2011


I miss you.

It's taken me a long time to write this. I knew the next post would be my letter to you, but I didn't want to do it. It seems so final. I know, you've been gone a year and a half. I still don't want to say goodbye.

I was there. It was so hard to watch you laboring for every breath, concentrating so hard to fill your lungs as full as you could. The sweat pouring down your face, just trying to breath was heartbreaking. You gave it your best. You lasted longer than most. Why you kept going, I'll not know for a long time.

I know I miss you. I think about you often. When I see something I know you would appreciate, when I hear a joke I know you would love to repeat, when my son does something I know you would approve of, and when he doesn't.

I have an idea why it was so hard for you to say "I love you." Being the baby of older parents who didn't seem to believe in getting all mushy had to have been it, right? I am my fathers daughter. I had a real hard time saying it to you, because I never knew how you would take it. I remember the first time you told me you loved me, I shouted it from the rooftops. I didn't know you never told my brother or my sister. I hope you did before you passed. I always felt you and I had a special bond, and maybe I was right. I used to make excuses for you to my siblings on why you acted the way you did.

I know by the time your parents had you, they thought they were done with babies. SURPRISE! You were always full of surprises, even from birth. I think they were just tired. I know they loved you too, but I don't remember your mom showing it very much. I don't remember your dad.

After the funeral director moved your body out of the house, they told us to go through pictures. I've seen that ploy before, and it's very effective. We went through pictures of you and we laughed, and we cried. Trying to find one for the big display was the hardest of all. I couldn't agree with anyone on the best picture of you. They wanted the posed pictures that you had taken. They didn't look like you. The eyes weren't quite right, the smile wasn't quite right. I can spot a fake smile on just about anyone, and that was all I could see. There was no crinkle in your eyes, no sparkle, no laughter. No quirky little smile. Then it dawned on me. I didn't see that in the picture because you saved that look for people you loved. For me. for my sister. for my brother. for your family and friends.

You're brother passed away yesterday. I found out this morning. I hope you are both rejoicing and dancing in the streets together. I hope and pray you are. I remember him at your funeral. Another "can't show my feelings guy" with tears falling freely from his eyes with no trying to even dry them. They were falling and I just wanted to squeeze him and tell him you are in a place with no pain and no sorrow. You are with mom again. Being my father's daughter, I just gave him a little hug as he came through the line.

You were loved by a lot of people. I hope you realized that while you were here.

You're wife is an amazing woman. I know what you mean about when she doesn't know when to quit. She is so busy all the time, volunteering here and there, going on mission trips to foreign countries, mission trips in the states, any place she can lend a hand. I know she misses you, and is trying to fill the void that you left in her life. Did you think it would take all that? She said she needs a reason to get up in the morning, and you were it for the longest time. I have really grown to love her more and more every day. She called to tell me about your brother this morning.

I'm so glad you're not hurting any longer. I sure miss you though.

Let me just say I LOVE YOU DADDY! so there. <3 <3 <3 See, that didn't hurt a bit.

God Bless, tell Mom and my beautiful daughter I love them too. The words don't hurt to say out loud, I promise.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Twice in the same year....

I'm back.

I hate to be such a downer, but I've been sitting here crying my eyes out wanting someone to talk to that won't pity me and try to make me feel better. I won't. Not yet. My daughter would have been 27 tomorrow. My heart aches. I know I posted about it before, it's in here somewhere. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I'm silently crying so I won't wake my son up. When he sees me cry for just about any reason (real life reason, not sad-movie reason) he starts crying too. My arms are aching to hold the child I never got to hold, I'm mourning a life that never got to be lived. Could it have been for the best? Life can be so hard. Maybe it was a blessing for her. Only God knows. I know my heart was shattered. I lost my baby girl, then my husband asked for a divorce a few months later. The sparkle went out of my eyes for a very long time.

Life goes on. I often wonder how the earth can still spin when so many people are hurting. How can the clock still tick like everything is normal? I can hear car horns on the highway, and wonder what is so important they need to disrupt the world with their worthless noise. People hurt. But the earth does still spin, the clock keeps ticking, and people keep honking their horns because they have places to go and things to do. We keep trying to cover up the hurts with bandaids, like alcohol, food, sex, anything to numb the pain till we can deal with it, like a scab trying to heal. Keep it covered till it goes away. It doesn't. There is still a scar.

Since losing my daughter, I have learned not to take people for granted. I assumed she would be in the car seat on the drive home from the hospital, and sleep in the crib I had made all the accoutrement for. I assumed she would wear the clothes I had shopped for, washed, and had all ready for my little bundle of joy. I assumed wrong. There are no guarantees.

I wonder sometimes as I would watch my son get on the bus, what if he never comes back? What if there is an accident and I never see him again? What if...what if.....

It can be a scary world out there. I'm tough. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Sometimes nothing can make me cry. Sometimes everything makes me cry. I try not to think about my daughters birthday. It makes me incredibly sad. It changed my whole life and sent me down a whole different path that I never thought I would have had to take. Then 9/11 happened with the World Trade Center. I haven't been able to even try to block the date out since that fateful day. The date was never really blocked out, but it wasn't shoved in my face all the time like it is now.

Appreciate the people you have in your life. You never know what will happen.....

God bless.....