Saturday, December 24, 2005

I'm afraid

I am afraid I am going to die. I was trying to go to sleep, and I got this strange feeling that I was going to have a heart attack. I have put on a lot of weight since I got laid off. No matter how hard I try, I get bigger and bigger. Its out of control. I am out of control. I know if I die, I will look down at my son and beg forgiveness for not being there for him. Will he be the one to find me dead? Will he remember what he is to do? I told him a long time ago, if there ever was a time he couldn't wake me, to go to the neighbors and tell them. I am not afraid to die, per say. I am afraid of leaving him without me in this world. I lost my mom when I was 10, and so many times I needed her. Love with my father always seemed conditional, until he got really ill. I know he loves me, but for the longest time there always seemed to be limits. I know my mom loved me, no matter what. How will he cope when he gets picked on at school? Will he be able to talk to the people that I have appointed his legal guardians? They haven't shown much interest in him to date. It just makes me really sad.

What is it going to take to get this under control? Am I going to have a heart attack and be put in the hospital first, if I even make it alive to the hospital? I am tired, but afraid to sleep. Thats not good for my health either. I am stressed to the max. I need to dump b'f, get that stress over. Now he finds out he may lose his job. It just drains me to even chat on messenger with him. I get so pissed at him so easy. It seems like he rarely ever says the right thing, at least what I think he should say. He says he's compassionate, but I don't see that at all. He whines and moans about people all the time. I am sick of it. He acts like he is the most righteous Christian, but I don't see it.

I know he doesn't want me to lose weight. He finds it threatening. He should. Celibacy is threatening to him to, and that has been in place for a very very long time. Even thinking about sex with him makes me sick to my stomach.

I am going to try to go back to bed. I am just rambling. I just don't want to die tonight.

God Bless, and Merry Christmas.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

It's over

Another semester at an end. My final final was yesterday, and it was bad. I was shocked when I walked into class and found out I was getting a B, but after the final we waited for grades and I was knocked down to a C. It amazes me the people that I think are so smart and really have a handle on some of it got worse grades than me, and I KNOW I didn't have a clue.

I ended up with:
  1. Access.............A
  2. Visual Basic....A
  3. Client...............B
  4. TCP/IP...........C
I am so relieved its over. I have 5 classes next semester. One online again, and the rest on campus. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have the same instructor for 3 classes in a row. There is at least one guy in my class that has the same thing. I imagine we will be sick of each other. I will be in class from 9 am till 2:40 pm with 2-20 minute breaks. The instructor said one class may leave early and on other days the other class may start a little late so he can get lunch in. He wasn't going to schedule the one odd class in the middle, but so many of us needed it for our degree. It was the only open spot to stick it, so there it is. The other three days a week I have to make the drive for 1 hour long class. :( Its computer math, and only offered on campus. Only on M,W,F. It sucks, but I will have to deal with it. At least the mileage check will be great. I just get so sick of the drive. I will be on the road longer than I will be in class.

My son had Saturday school again. It doesn't feel like Saturday when that happens. B'fs Christmas program is tonight, but we can't go. There are specials on tv that I want to see, but not when the kid is grounded. I really don't watch much tv at all, and he watches too much, so really its a good thing. We are supposed to get snow tomorrow so we may not be able to go to b'fs play tomorrow either. I don't know if we will make it to church tomorrow or not. I have just been wiped out. I slept almost all day Thursday, when I should have been studying. Even if that would have happened, the things I would have been working on weren't on the test. I had been going over subnetting in my head over and over again, but there wasn't any questions on the test about it. He changed the whole test from what he told us to study the other day. One of the brainiacs that always go top notch got an 81, so I don't feel so awfully bad. I am sure he still got an A.

I have 3 weeks or rest before I require my brain to work again. Wireless, security, Psych, Math, and Server. Yeehaw. I can't wait. <---------sarcasm.

Yall have a good night, and God Bless.

Monday, December 12, 2005

No title

Here's the thing, my neice had her baby yesterday, and mom and baby girl are doing great. I am so happy for her and her husband. Of course, my brother was so out of it he called me twice to tell me. LOL

Now, the other news. My dad seems to be straightened out (finally) with the pacemaker. He was miserable when he got home, and ended up going back in the hospital for a 4 day stay to get his meds straightened out. They never changed anything, so when he came home my stepmother (who used to be a nurse) cut some of his meds in half. Dad started feeling a lot better. When they finally got in to see the dr, he told her she did the right thing. He seemed to think the hospital messed up, but I don't think he cares. My dad had a lung scan, and they are concerned about a mass he has. They told him he needed a blood test to determine if it was a fungus, or cancer. They told him a fungus could break itself up, and all would be golden. If it wasn't that, then it would be cancer, and nothing they could do. He has pulminary fibrosis, so surgery isn't an option. I was over visiting a bit ago, and they got the blood test results back. Its not fungus. :( My stepmother said they wouldn't say what it was, just what it wasn't. From what she had said before, if it wasn't one, it would be the other. I don't know if she just doesn't want to say it, or what. Thats where it stands. Dad said even if they could do something if it was cancer, after going through it with my mom, he would rather die and get it over with.

I am happy, then sad, then happy, then sad. I feel guilty for being happy, then I don't want to feel down either. Please say a prayer for my dad.

God bless.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Pretty accurate I think

Your Birthdate: July 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.

Your strength: Your original approach to thinking

Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others

Your power color: Pale blue

Your power symbol: Wavy line

Your power month: July

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The brain is a complex thing...

I don't know why I can't be selective on what I can remember. It seems I can only remember the unimportant stuff, and not things that really matter. I am sure there is some deep psychological reasoning about fear of failure or something. In my main PITA class at school I listen, I take notes, I record the class, but as soon as he quits talking, my mind goes blank. I am afraid I have convinced myself I can't learn it, so therefore, its not going in. Thats not a good thing. So far in the tutoring sessions I have had, it's been refreshing the tutors brain on this stuff, so it hasn't been real helpful. He just nods and tries to figure it out too, and maybe thats what I need. Its good to know that he is a graduate and it isn't something I am just not getting. He has a hard time with it too. Thank God we both didn't decide to go into the medical profession. At least this isn't life and death.

I lost b'fs mailing address when my other computer crashed. I thought I remembered it, but thought I had better ask. I guessed 704, but it was 708. The next thing that came out of my mouth shocked me as much as it did him. I said "oh yeah, 704 Houser is Archie Bunker's address." Where the hell that was stored in my brain I have no idea. I think I need a total brain dump, but there is some good stuff in there I don't want to get out. For instance, the first glimpse I got of my son, remember getting letters from my mom when she was having treatment in St. Louis for the cancer that took her life, my dad crying when she died, and crying when I lost my daughter, my dad telling me how I was strong and so much like my mother, (a better compliment could never be paid).

I guess I just have to take the good with the bad, as usual. I just wish I could pick what to remember and what not. I don't think Archie Bunker's address will help me out in life. I don't want to remember the feeling of finding one of my "friends" giving my live-in b'f oral sex. I try not to remember the last day that I got to see his kids and had to say goodbye. It hurts too much. I want to remember the important things that have escaped me, like the sound of my moms voice. I can't get that back. :(

God Bless.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

It's almost over

Two weeks and this semester will be a bad dream. I got a tutor last week to help me figure out subnetting and supersubnetting enough to get me through the class. I am so tired of this one guy in the class. He never does his own homework, he said he hasn't read a page in the book. He has a relative that was in the class before who gets a kick out of doing his homework for him. He knows what's on the tests and stuff, so the guy always has a heads up. It REALLY PISSES ME OFF! I guess I care too much, because I want to know how to do it. I don't want to depend on others all the time. The few times this guy doesn't have his homework done, he comes extra early and casually asks what everyone got for #8, and then #4, etc, till he has it all filled in. Some of us get together and compare, but I don't think most know what a jerk this guy is. His grade is higher than mine, and I have been working my butt off. He schmooozzes his way through life, and I hate to be mean, but I hope it bites him in the ass.

My dad has good days and bad days. He has lost about 30 lbs since he got home from the hospital. Most of it was fluid, so he is feeling better in that respect. He still has a lot of pain with his lungs. They put him on a pain patch and Tylenol 3, but that quit working. He is taking Vicodin now. Last I heard it was helping. The lung specialist told him its either fungus in his lungs, which can break itself up eventually, or its cancer, which there is nothing they can do. He has to have a blood test to find out.

My niece hasn't had the baby yet. We are still waiting. My brother called last night while I was online, and the message didn't come through. I got offline and called him right back, since he never calls unless its unavoidable. He says he was just wanting to find out about Dad. They had called him earlier in the day but he couldn't understand the message, and they were in bed by the time he got around to calling them back. He said he will call as soon as the baby is here. (of course, the aunts and uncles on the other side of the family are notified as soon as labor is started, then they all camp out at the hospital. Maybe I am picky, but I feel unwanted.)

I better get moving. God Bless.