Saturday, December 24, 2005

I'm afraid

I am afraid I am going to die. I was trying to go to sleep, and I got this strange feeling that I was going to have a heart attack. I have put on a lot of weight since I got laid off. No matter how hard I try, I get bigger and bigger. Its out of control. I am out of control. I know if I die, I will look down at my son and beg forgiveness for not being there for him. Will he be the one to find me dead? Will he remember what he is to do? I told him a long time ago, if there ever was a time he couldn't wake me, to go to the neighbors and tell them. I am not afraid to die, per say. I am afraid of leaving him without me in this world. I lost my mom when I was 10, and so many times I needed her. Love with my father always seemed conditional, until he got really ill. I know he loves me, but for the longest time there always seemed to be limits. I know my mom loved me, no matter what. How will he cope when he gets picked on at school? Will he be able to talk to the people that I have appointed his legal guardians? They haven't shown much interest in him to date. It just makes me really sad.

What is it going to take to get this under control? Am I going to have a heart attack and be put in the hospital first, if I even make it alive to the hospital? I am tired, but afraid to sleep. Thats not good for my health either. I am stressed to the max. I need to dump b'f, get that stress over. Now he finds out he may lose his job. It just drains me to even chat on messenger with him. I get so pissed at him so easy. It seems like he rarely ever says the right thing, at least what I think he should say. He says he's compassionate, but I don't see that at all. He whines and moans about people all the time. I am sick of it. He acts like he is the most righteous Christian, but I don't see it.

I know he doesn't want me to lose weight. He finds it threatening. He should. Celibacy is threatening to him to, and that has been in place for a very very long time. Even thinking about sex with him makes me sick to my stomach.

I am going to try to go back to bed. I am just rambling. I just don't want to die tonight.

God Bless, and Merry Christmas.

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