Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The brain is a complex thing...

I don't know why I can't be selective on what I can remember. It seems I can only remember the unimportant stuff, and not things that really matter. I am sure there is some deep psychological reasoning about fear of failure or something. In my main PITA class at school I listen, I take notes, I record the class, but as soon as he quits talking, my mind goes blank. I am afraid I have convinced myself I can't learn it, so therefore, its not going in. Thats not a good thing. So far in the tutoring sessions I have had, it's been refreshing the tutors brain on this stuff, so it hasn't been real helpful. He just nods and tries to figure it out too, and maybe thats what I need. Its good to know that he is a graduate and it isn't something I am just not getting. He has a hard time with it too. Thank God we both didn't decide to go into the medical profession. At least this isn't life and death.

I lost b'fs mailing address when my other computer crashed. I thought I remembered it, but thought I had better ask. I guessed 704, but it was 708. The next thing that came out of my mouth shocked me as much as it did him. I said "oh yeah, 704 Houser is Archie Bunker's address." Where the hell that was stored in my brain I have no idea. I think I need a total brain dump, but there is some good stuff in there I don't want to get out. For instance, the first glimpse I got of my son, remember getting letters from my mom when she was having treatment in St. Louis for the cancer that took her life, my dad crying when she died, and crying when I lost my daughter, my dad telling me how I was strong and so much like my mother, (a better compliment could never be paid).

I guess I just have to take the good with the bad, as usual. I just wish I could pick what to remember and what not. I don't think Archie Bunker's address will help me out in life. I don't want to remember the feeling of finding one of my "friends" giving my live-in b'f oral sex. I try not to remember the last day that I got to see his kids and had to say goodbye. It hurts too much. I want to remember the important things that have escaped me, like the sound of my moms voice. I can't get that back. :(

God Bless.

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