Sunday, March 18, 2007

Things are the same, only different

I still don't have a job. I am doing better though. I think the naps I have been taking have been helping with the depression. I still don't sleep well at night, but the naps during the day are my high point. Even if I don't nap though, I still don't sleep well at night. I have noticed the last few nights that I am actually dreaming again, so maybe I am getting caught up some. Dreaming seems to really relax me more, like telling me a bedtime story to myself while I am asleep. They have been good calming dreams, except the one where I dreamt that I had a really nasty crusty cold sore, and was thrilled when I woke up and discovered it wasn't true.

My uncle and my grandmother are both currently in the hospital. My Grandmother seems to be getting better and may be going back to the nursing home tomorrow. She likes it there now because she doesn't have to do anything. They cook and clean for her, and roll her over. She can sit and read all she wants.

My uncle isn't faring so well. I love my uncle. He used to be a mean vicious man who used to beat his children when they were small. I was terrified of him. My mom used to take me over to play with his kids sometimes when he was at work. I would hear her and grandma talking about how mean he was. I remember once he came home while I was there, I told my aunt I was walking back to my grandmas and decided to go the scenic route. I was about 6. My mom came after me in the car scared to death they wouldn't find me. I wasn't lost. I had to get away from the evil man who beat children. I don't remember how old they were when the bruises stopped. I know they had them in highschool. He discovered God and turned into one of the sweetest people you would ever be blessed to meet. His children love him dearly, and it shows. His body is failing. He has put it through a lot of stress over his lifetime.

The last time I was over at his house, (a few weeks ago) they were talking about a local hospital that got its charitable status taken away. He said "apparently they didn't treat enough indignant people." It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, picturing these indignant people, all nicely dressed, standing outside the hospital offended because they weren't being treated. (as opposed to the poor indigent people turned away for lack of money or insurance.)

When my son was a baby and was a collicky crying mess, my uncle was the only one that could lull him to sleep. He said he had a way with babies, which he did, but I also think it had something to do with the tremors he had, but we never mentioned them. I have a picture of him cradling my son in his arms, resting comfortably looking up into my uncles face.

He is tired, and wearing his wife out taking care of his needs, and he knows it, and that makes it even harder on him. He is ready to go, but she keeps telling him he's not, and he doesn't want to leave her alone, but he wants to go. I will miss him tremendously.

His life has shown me how much a person can go through changes over a lifetime and still come out ok on the end. I keep waiting for something to happen "FOR" me, instead of me getting out and moving the mountains that need to be moved. I have turned in a few applications, but not as much as a serious job searcher would. I keep expecting something to happen, to make life easier. I don't know why I feel that way, but I have since I was a child. I remember thinking that no matter what happened, I would end up marrying a great guy, having a great family, and live happily ever after. I think I still have that dream, even though I don't work at it at all. It should just happen, shouldn't it????? (yeah, I know.)

I am trying to get back on track with life. I think I have finally gotten bored at home, although if I ever started on a project, it would keep me occupied. I am afraid to start because I may fail.

I know I am getting bored when I actually updated Myspace last night. I changed the background and it looks great. :)

I hope you all have a blessed day.

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