since I have spent much time on my blog. It's so very self serving, so if I spend too much time messing with it when I have so much other stuff to do I get the guilt trip. I send myself there often enough. This blog has really helped to get out a lot of my frustration so it doesn't pop up in my normal functioning life. I can write down here how angry I am, how scared I am, how unlovable I feel at times, and no one else needs to know. Most people I come in contact with find me funny, smart, pretty unflinchable. If they only knew. It often makes me wonder about other people. Does everyone hide as much of themselves as I try to?
I know when I was a kid we had tornadoes out by our house. It was my mom and me at home. She was sewing away on the sewing machine which happened to be facing the window. We were listening to the radio and she made sure we could get to the basement. I remember it was a really gross basement, and we never ever went down there. I don't know if I was ever down there at all the whole time we lived there. (about 5 years.)She was so calm cool and collected. I thought if she was that calm, why should I be upset. Come to find out she was petrified. She was a great actress when it came to that. I miss her.
For my therapy I have been walking. I haven't been able to walk as much as I like, or as I should, with time being a big constraint. My fear of dogs is becoming overpowering, especially since the neighbors have 3 dobermans now, a mom and two pups that are almost full size. They let them out a few times a day. They try to keep them in the yard, and the mom does pretty good, but the pups always seem to find me when I am outside. I try to keep calm and walk slow but steady to the house, but I tell them to go home, and they start growling at me. Scares the shit out of me. Needless to say, we don't walk around our town. Too many dogs and no leash laws. There is no one to report to except the sheriffs dept. about them anyway. I would rather talk to the neighbors about it first anyway. We went to the state park this morning and walked, then this afternoon, after completing some homework and making homemade ice cream, we went back to the nearest bigger town and walked around. My knee is still killing me, but as long as I take plenty of aspirin it feels better. I am hoping if I keep working it out that it will get better. I really need to lose some poundage, and its been helping me and the kid have some time away from home and gives us time to talk.
I have two full weeks of classes left, and then the next week is finals.
My psych class is all done except for my test tomrorow. For one of our final assignments, she asked what was the most important thing we learned. I wrote that I learned the diagnosis for my depression. I know now that I don't always have to feel this way, that it is fixable. At least the book gave me a name so I could research it. (dysthymic disorder.) I am so glad that class is done. I am hoping that will free up some time so I can get to crackin on some of my other classes. Two of them are right on the cusp of a grade, so I am going to at least try to bring them up to a safer zone before the finals.
I am going to go to bed early. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.