Monday, September 11, 2006

Today sucks.

Today would have been my daughter's birthday. She would have been 21 today. I have been bawling off and on all day. When my son got home, he had Taekwondo, then I was hoping to just come home, cuddle with him and watch TV till shower/bed time.

He decided to let one of the boys on the bus tear up his homework, so the boy would get the blame for him not having it. Needless to say, he is mad and upset because he has to do the whole thing over again, when he had it over half done. (He has to write 25 sentences with his spelling words with at least 7 words in each sentence. Then, I get to check them over and he has to correct what's wrong.) He had about 19 sentences done, but thought if he didn't bring it in, I wouldn't make him correct it. He told me the kid ate it. I called him a liar, and he said that he LET him eat it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am being a total bitch. He is in there crying, trying to get attention, and I am pissed. He has 1000 different excuses. I am tired of them all. He has 30 minutes to write 10 LEGIBLE sentences, or no TV after school.

I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I want a smoke so bad I can't hardly stand it. I want to get drunk just to forget. I can't do any of those. I want to scream from the mountain top. I want to stomp my feet, shake my fist, and cry buckets. I just can't. I miss my daughter terribly. I often wonder about how my life would have been if she was still in it, living breathing. 21 years old. Today. Its not like I can forget what day it is. Since 2001, and the WTC, every second the TV or radio is on, they mention "the day." Before the WTC, I suffered in silence, almost. I would cry if I had to write the date down, or just thinking about "things" but it wasn't shoved down my throat like it is now. There is no escape. Would she have been pretty? Would she be married now? A mom? Would we have the tumultuous relationship me and my son have? He thinks we have an equal partnership, and I have no idea where he got that notion.

I turned my paperwork in today for my last unemployment check too. We are going to have to survive on my grants and scholarships till I get a job. I am so freakin stressed. I wish I had someone to take care of me sometimes. I need to be held. :(

God Bless. Please pray for me.

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