Saturday, December 04, 2004

What a movie!

That was sarcasm. We went to see the new Spongebob Squarepants movie. My son loved it. It was "ok" Thank goodness it wasn't awful. I had a real hard time sitting through the YuGiHo movie when I took him to that. I made my boyfriend go with us this time. He wasn't impressed either, but I told him if I had to suffer, he could suffer right along with me. LOL He thought I would change my mind and take my son tomorrow when the b'f wouldn't be here. WRONG!
I guess now is as good a time as any to tell about my boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for 2 years now. I know I will never love him enough to marry him, but he thinks that will change. I hate to say it, but the only reason we are still together is because my son loves him, and I don't want to take that away from him. He needs a man in his life, but there is no way I can make this permanent. He is nice enough, but he needs someone to take care of him, or be someone he can take care of. I am neither. He wants someone to make his appointments, do things for him that he needs to do himself. I know he expects me to offer to do these for him, but he is a big boy. I would love to have a mother too, but it aint happenin!
His eyesight is awful and his church took up a collection to get his eyes fixed. (catatracts) but when he went to the dr. he found out it would only take care of one eye, so he decided he would rather be totally blind than be able to see out of one eye well. What freakin kind of sense does that make???? He wants to be a victim, so he can be one on his own. He is old enough to take care of himself.
I, on the otherhand, have one child already, and don't want to take care of another one. I am too independant for my own good probably, but I am tired on waiting for anyone to take care of me. I would have been living in a ditch a long time ago. He is not capable of taking care of himself, so how does he think I can depend on him? He thinks if we got married then we would have one set of bills. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, and so is he. If either one of us died, it wouldn't be fair to the other one. He is a diabetic, almost blind. The eye dr. told him not to drive, but he still does. I drive whenever we go anywhere together, and I am afraid it emasculates him some, but I would rather do that then end up in a horrible accident where we could kill someone. We have talked about it, and he says thats fine with him. I worry about him driving home in the dark. He can't hardly see to the end of the car I am afraid. I know he can't read streetsigns. The church thinks they can get enough money together for both eyes. The pastor has been talking to clinics I think. I think it will make a major difference in him. I am hoping thats a big part of whats holding him back.
Another problem, is the kissing. How do you tell someone you care about that they are a lousy kisser and have nasty looking teeth??? I don't think he can see them, but they are gross. He brags about not going to a dentist since he was in high school. He needs to GO! He has brown stuff on them, and I want to gag, but I can't tell him to go brush, can I? I don't know how I would broach the subject. I was going on about these cool floss sticks I got and told him to give one a try, but he said he wasn't raised that way. What the....???? I wasn't either, but I learned how. Its not that hard. He seems almost proud. It would kill him if he found out what I thought. I do care about him though and would never want to hurt him. I know I have by turning down his proposal. A few times. But I just can't. I thought for awhile maybe I could so my son could have the dad he wants, but I think I would get real bitter.
Time to close. I need to get some sleep. I think its depression making me not sleep at night but being so tired all the time. I am so worried about whats going to happen. When it gets to the financial crap, I get scared. Its not only me now, but my kid too. :(
Hug your family tight, kiss them softly as they sleep, and whisper you love them in their ear. God Bless.

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