Saturday, June 18, 2005

My son and a dad...

Last night as my son was getting ready to go to bed he wistfully said, "I wish b'f was my dad." My heart just breaks when this happens. I wish I could love b'f enough to make that commitment for him. B'f would like that. G needs a dad. He needs a man figure in his life. But he needs more of a man I think. B'f is nice, and funny, and likes to do things (movies, running around, fairs, parks, etc) but on the other end of the spectrum, he has no drive, an imminent failure rate, and accepts that too easily. I can't respect that. He expects to be the victim. We were chatting last night, and he seems to think that when he says "oh well" when someone dumps on him that he is being noble at accepting his fate. I see it as being a dumbass who lets others take advantage of him because they can. He even made the comment last night that he said "oh well" three times to different things we had been talking about in the same evening. That drives me freakin insane. If someone dumps on me, I sure don't stand around waiting for the next time. I understand there are circumstances where its very hard to get out of that situation, if related to work or something, but its not the case.

Here is one example: He has a nephew staying with him. His nephew is in his 20's, works part time, parties a LOT. He doesn't have a car, I'm not even sure if he has the momentum to even get out of bed when the driver's license bureau is open so I don't know if he even has a license. B'f carts him around when he needs it, unless he can hitch a ride with one of his drunken buddies, even takes all his laundry to the laundromat and does it all for him, (without even asking for a damn quarter) and doesn't ask for (or receive) any help with utility bills. I told him he needs to ask for something, even take him and the clothes to the laundry and let him do that much. He doesn't clean, help with anything. His girlfriend kicked him out awhile ago cos she got tired of supporting him. (single mom, working full time, supporting a child and mr. underachiever.) I don't blame her a bit. I told Bb'f he isn't doing nephew any favors by not expecting anything from him. He needs to fulfil the role the parents didn't and try to help him turn into a responsible adult, if its possible. He said "oh well." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I swear, if someone ran a steamroller into his house, didn't have insurance, and just walked away, b'f would say "oh well". If I get married, it needs to be with someone who can take care of business, get things done, and stand up for themselves and the family. On the other hand, if we are in a restaurant and things aren't perfect the way he thinks they should be, he gets very indignant and just says loudly so everyone can hear how displeased he is. (of course, not the people that can DO anything about it, Heaven forbid)

Another reason I don't want to marry b'f, he can't kiss. I "let him" kiss me when he gets here, and when he gets ready to leave, but that is even hard for me to do. We haven't had a kissing fest since I thought he was going to suffocate me. I was pulling my head back into the back of my chair and he thought it was passion so he was jamming his tongue down my throat. I had to forcefully push him away, as I felt like I was turning blue. He said he thought my floundering around was "passion" I guess when I sucked his tongue down into my throat he didn't realize I was fighting for air. Yep, I need someone who can tell the difference between passion and impending death. I got tired of wiping slobber off of my face. He needs to see a dentist badly, but has no insurance ("oh well") . How do you tell someone you don't want to hurt that you can smell his breath when he is standing 5 feet away? That has been better lately but I feel like such a bitch for not knowing how to tell him tactfully but going off on it here.

He is a nice person most of the time, but I can't get past these other things. The only reason I am still seeing him is for my son. I don't know if thats the right thing or the wrong thing. I know we will never get married, unless my brain falls out on the floor and I have no control over my actions. If I quit seeing him, I wouldn't be seeing anyone, and my son needs a man around, even one with no goals and a defeatist attitude. Do I sacrifice myself in this instance for my son and agree to a marriage? It wouldn't be a marriage. I would be hateful and cranky, and not any fun at all. I can't do that.

I am no picnic either. I am way too fat, cranky (ya think?????) and set in my ways. I think a man should be in charge of the family, but never found one capable yet. I think it should be a partnership. I lighten their load, they lighten mine. If I hooked up with B'f it would be like having 2 kids instead of one. I have enough trouble dealing with one now.

I have told G in the past that b'f and I just have too many bills, which is true, and if something should happen to either one of us that it would be too much to expect of the other to be stuck with so much debt of both, which is true. (he is diabetic, doesn't take care of himself, and I don't want to get into that right now. Grrrrrrrrrr) That's all true. I don't want to tell my son that he really sucks in bed, and I want to puke when he kisses me. I couldn't live with that every day.

Well, thats my "my son is wishing for a dad , and I let him down yet another time" rant. "Oh well." :(

Where is Dr. Phil when I need him?

God bless, and pray for little boys who need men they can look up to, and moms to find men with that quality.

No comments: