Monday, February 06, 2006

Dear Diary...

Its been awhile. I keep on keepin on, but need someone to talk to who will just listen. I don't want someone to keep patting me on the back, and telling me everything will be alright. I need to learn to turn it over to God and let it go, but I have to have something to do, so I worry if I am making right decisions, and mourn people who haven't passed yet. Here is a chronological description of things that have upset my world. I am going to mention even the mundane, since that is partially what is leading up to my breaking point, which I hope I don't reach.

Hardly anyone ever calls me on the phone. I have an answering machine for when I am gone, and I have Callwave for my computer so I don't worry about missing a call. It doesn't surprise me to see a name on the caller ID but no message left on the answering machine. I called my home from my cell phone one day to leave me a memo, and I heard my voice cheerfully on the other end going on about how we weren't able to come to the phone, yada yada yada. When I got home, there was no message. I stood next to my answering machine, called it from the cell, and it answered, and hung up. I disconnected it since it sounded like it was recording a message, but wasn't.

Last week my dad had a test ran at the huge city hospital an hour or so away. They pretty much confirmed he has lung cancer. They wanted to do a biopsy, but after discussing it and finding out they could only prolong his life with treatment, and not control the pain, he decided not to do anything. I don't blame him. He has been through all of this with mom, and he is tired. I called my sister and told her, then my brother. My brother actually came to see him this weekend, so that was a great thing. I hope he can forgive dad for the injustices he thinks he got from him. Dad did the best he knew to do. I don't think a person can blame him for that. He didn't realize it was wrong until it was too late. Thats the way he was raised.

Friday, we went and picked up pizza in town. We got home, got the car in the garage, and went to lower the garage door. It stopped about 1/2 way down, but the motor kept running. I got it turned off, and lowered the door by hand. Geesh. I can raise and lower the door by hand for as long as I need to. No big deal. Just another inconvenience. (I am not usually so petty when I have to do some physical labor, I just don't like it when things don't work the way they are supposed to.)

Saturday, b'f and his son came over. We watched a movie, they played game cube, I fixed hotdogs since he said he could go get pizza, but ended up falling asleep on the couch, and I didn't feel like going to get it. No big deal. He sat on the couch and snored while I watched the boys play. I couldn't work on any homework while they were here. I would have kept getting interupted and considered anti-social. No majorly big deal. I had about 9 hours worth of psych homework to do that was due Sunday night at 11:59, but all day Sunday to work on it. It wouldn't be easy, but I would get it done. They left around 11:00 pm. The movie was good though.

Sunday morning, I arise at 5 am to work on my psych. I start reading. There are 40 pages packed with terms, conditions, etc to try to get my brain to absorb. Around noon I finally start on the first activity out of 3. What the ****??? I didn't understand it at all. I tried and tried sorting it out, and decided to go to activity 2. I had just got started, and it looked a lot easier. I had less than 12 hours left to get it done, and take the quiz. No worries. My son came in from the bathroom, and told me that I would want to see this. I went in.

The water in the toilet was red. Ok, not red, but real real pink. I looked at his butt, and couldn't see anything, so went and told my stepmother I was going to take him to the ER. We had to take showers and change clothes, so we left about 45 minutes later. She had called me and offered to take us for a ride in their new car, so that was a good thing. I was hoping it was just due to him being constipated so much from not eating stuff thats good for him. I was scared to death that it was something horribly seriously wrong. This is my baby. What would I do if anything happened to him? I have lost one child during birth, and my world was a mess for awhile. My mind was working overtime, but I think I did well on him not knowing how upset I was. My stepmother was talking most of the way, and then broke the news.

They are thinking of selling the house and moving to town. They are afraid when Dad gets bad that they will have trouble getting around. She said her shoulder has been hurting her and she wasn't planning on putting out a garden this year. Dad said they might as well move to town. I love having them next door. I can just walk over, see how they are doing. I can help him on the computer. I babysit the dog when they are gone or have company. The stupid little dog comes over and KNOCKS on the door when he wants to come in for a visit. They watch my kid for me when I am late getting home from school. They have watched him for me when I had night classes. I just like having the bond with them, and for my son to be able to go visit whenever he wants too. This was a shock to me. She said they are "thinking" about it, but then said they were going to start advertising. Sounds like a pretty done deal. Its a great place and they put a lot of work in it, so I don't think they will have a problem selling.

My son was ok. He doesn't eat enough vegetables, and has to take stool softeners every day now. I warned him the dr. would probably want to look at his butt, and he did. He handled it like a trooper. That took 3 hours out of the afternoon, but I am so glad thats all it was. I had to make an appointment today with his regular dr., so Friday at 8:45, we have to be there.

Today I had a math test. Very basic stuff, although they do things with math I didn't realize. Anyway, I was studying this morning, and instead of it becoming clearer and refreshing my brain, it was getting worse. I worked past time that I normally leave, so took some stuff out to the car, got it started and went to raise the garage door. The &$#)&9^*& door would only go 1/2 way up, and I was running late. I ran over to the parents house to see about driving the truck, then working on the door when I got back. Of course I had to get gas in it. They never drive it. Its a nice truck, but it sucks gas like there is no tomorrow.

The test went "ok" I left one question blank, and showed her what I had done so far on it. She said we could refresh on that Wednesday. She said the answers on the rest of that page looked pretty good though, so I was relieved. Its work 100 points total, and we had 4 pages.

I got home, parked the truck at my parents, and she came over to look at the door opener with me. They installed both of theirs, so it was helpful. It must be the motor because she said the chain was inside and seemed to be intact and on track. We got the door up all the way. Thank goodness. After I convinced her that I would take care of it, she went home. I have two sides to the garage, no opener for the other side, and it was full of crap. As soon as the kid got home from school, we went out and cleaned out the other half, moved it all over, and swept. The car is sitting nicely in the garage now. I don't know if they can fix the motor, or it will just need replaced. Yikes.

Also, Friday night I did my taxes. I really took a hit this year, with not having any earned income. That cut my refund compared to last year by about $2800 difference. Not just that, but other things as well. I owe on the state. I knew it wouldn't be as good as when I worked, but I didn't think it would be that different. Thats what always got me through before.

Ok, thats enough. I feel better just writing it and getting it out of my brain. It gets so clogged up sometimes with reality, there isn't any room for school stuff. Thats what I need to be working on right now.

God Bless, and please keep me in your prayers. I love my dad.

No comments: