Saturday, February 18, 2006

It's official

I am a free woman. He mailed me my house key. I got it Wednesday or Thursday. (It's the "not remembering which day of the week it is because of brain overload" thing.) I sent him the email I had written previously after editing it a little bit. I didn't want to hurt him. Here is my email to him:

Thank you for the key. I got it today.
I can't be what you want me to be. I can't be who you need me to be.
I just can't do this anymore. My dad is dying, my son is getting in trouble on an almost daily basis, and you always think I am running around on you. If you can't trust me after all this time, you never will. I know you have been hurt in the past, and so have I, but that is the past. I have never given you any reason to think I was messing around but its always the first thing you think of.
I DO have a ton of homework, and I have been neglecting a lot more of it than I should by being available Saturdays, and being online every evening to chat with you. I can't do it anymore. I need to do what is best for me. I need to spend more time with my son and not feel bad about not being online chatting with you.
You put a whole lot more into holidays and stuff than I do. I think if you love someone, show it daily instead of making a big deal out of one day a year. I know you show me you care, so to me spending Valentines day together isn't a big deal, and I'm sorry it is for you. I wish I could be what you need, but I'm not.
I am just so overwhelmed with everything. You need someone who can spend more time with you. I can't. I wish I could be that for you, but its not going to happen. I am sorry it ended like this. We had some good times together. Take care of yourself, and **** too. You will both be missed.

Here is his response (an offline message) :
I tried to send you a reply, but my stupid computer wont let me send any mail out.. not reply...not compose...nothing...good thing i learned copy & paste...sorry it wasnt an email...I didn't think you were fooling around. I just thought a couple should be together on a special day like valentines day. I thought if you couldnt make time for "us", then perhaps you didnt need or want an "us". I am finally started seeing what you saw a long time ago. You once said you saw no future for us. I see it too. I'm sorry I waisted your time you could of used doing other things. I'm sorry I waisted 3 years of all our lives. Please forgive me for all my blunders along the way. Tell **** I'm sorry I wasnt special enuff to become his dad. You & **** will be deeply missed.

So there it is. I haven't shed a tear, but my boy has. I am sorry for his sake, but I am glad its over. I feel a lifting of spirits here, and now both of us can get on with our lives. It's funny the comment he made about not thinking I was messing around. He brought that up every time I had 10 minutes in my day I couldn't account for. Man, its been a long 3 1/2 years. Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Time to get ready for the boys game. God Bless.

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