Sunday, March 06, 2005

Takin a break

Two tests tomorrow, an outline and quiz and board postings due tomorrow night by 11 pm. A test due Tuesday night by 11 pm. My brain is fried. I have been making a study guide when I can concentrate today for my Net class, but I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know its because I am daunted at the task at hand.
I had forgotten about my strategies class assignment that was due today, until last night after b'f left when I checked the board, so I was up till 12:30 reading. I got up at 7 and finished it by 8:30, and have felt glued to the chair ever since working on my Networking class.
The strategies assignment was interesting. The instructor had us read a thing on "I create it all" about how attitude can affect how we deal with things, especially things out of our control. I live that every day of my life I feel. He wanted a journal entry about when we have used that, or how we can use that in our life. I told him that the first time for me was when I lost my daughter. I could have easily had a nervous breakdown, my whole life changed on that day. I had to struggle not to fall into the pit of total despair, clawing my way out on more than one occasion. Everyone was telling me how well I was handling it, and how strong I was. If they only knew. It was a battle, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. I blamed myself for maybe reaching up too high and thereby making the cord go around her neck while she was in my womb. I wondered if maybe I carried something too heavy and that did it. I wondered if trying to push a little while I was in labor in hopes to break my water could have done it. I honestly think my ex blamed me too. He never got to see her, and asked me later if it even looked like him. (if you aren't worthy of trust, you can't trust your partner either, in my opinion) They didn't see me when I was curled up in a little ball. They didn't know I prayed every night for years for God not to let me wake up yet another day. I had to put on the front of dealing with everything. I couldn't stay in the pit. I think that helped me, by putting up the front. Hell, I think I probably still need therapy over that whole episode. I realized that if I got in the pit, the longer I stayed, the harder the journey would be back to where I was. A few months later my ex informed me he wanted a divorce and I said no. Not till I felt I could deal with it mentally. I turned to my friends, and became a pot smokin party girl, so I didn't have to think about much at all. He didn't even like me to smoke cigarettes, so he didn't know for quite awhile. That was one of the good things about being married to a truck driver. At least for my life at the time. He thought I was screwing the whole neighborhood, but I wasn't. I didn't have sex with anyone till after he made an appointment with his attorney for the divorce and scheduled it for my birthday. I didn't think faithfulness on my part mattered after that.
It amazes my old friends that I am totally on the straight and narrow now. It shocks people who know me now when they find out I used to party. I had great wonderful friends while I was going through the divorce. They always watched out for me, and never let anyone take advantage of me, no matter what I said, or how drunk I got. I lived in a different state, and had to move due to job circumstances, and the need to escape. I kept in touch with some of them for awhile, but its hard to do.
The people that know me now can't believe I ever used to drink, smoke pot, partied at all. (I don't think I will mention the acid I took. I didn't care for it, and never wanted to do it again) I guess they think I have been this boring person that I have become for my whole entire life. I have partied with the best, and all the other parties I have been to since pale in comparison. They had my back, and I trust no one now.
I didn't send all that to my instructor. LOL. I just got real carried away. I miss some of the times when I had no worries, no responsibilities. Here is what I turned in for my assignment:

I create it all.....
I have used this particular power process for a very long time. Sometimes life throws curves and you just have to deal with it as it comes. The first instance was in 1983 when I had a child that was stillborn. Nothing I could do to change it, so I had to deal with it. It would have been easier to fall apart, which of course I did to an extent, but not to the extent others assumed I would, seeing how it was such a devastating thing in my life. My theory was that if I let myself fall into a deep depression, I would have farther “to climb” to get out of the hole I had put myself in. It was awful, it was tough, but I survived. I have since gotten a reputation for being “strong” which I don’t think I deserve, but a survivor, which I think I am.

I know the assignment only asked for one, but there have been many: my divorce following after the death of our daughter, the unplanned pregnancy with my son, the death of my mother, and some others.

My current situation is another where I have no control over, but am dealing with it. I was never a good student in school. I almost failed a few grades for lack of ambition, effort, and caring. I was just trying to get by. Now, I have been laid off of a job I had for 14 years, due to it being sent to Mexico. There is nothing I could do to change it, so I am dealing with it. I am taking advantage of the opportunity I have to go back to school, get a degree, and better myself for me and my family. I have since grown up since those fateful days back in high school, when the dream was to get married and have someone take care of me. I gave that dream up long ago. Now its time for me to take the bull by the horns and grab all the knowledge and tools I can.

end of assignment

I left out all the party stuff. I have a reputation as a boring old spinster to uphold. It surprises me that people don't know I was married at one time, or that I like sex, and great sex at that. I even had someone ask me if I was artificially inseminated when I was pregnant with my son. I don't know if she thought I was gay, or unattractive enough to not actually have a man want to bed me, or what the deal was. After my initial anger, I calmly said that I like to do some things the old fashioned way. I think its terribly funny now. I guess my cover works very well. I am a great actress I guess, if not I probably would have been committed a long time ago.

I guess this cinches it. No one I know will ever get this blog address. LOL Therapy session is over. Time to get back to studying. Now I will be daydreaming about my buddies and me playing quarters in the living room while hubby was on the road screwing lot lizards at rest areas. Ewwwwwwwwwww! It was a marriage made in hell. (he is on wife #3, I don't plan on making that mistake again.)

God Bless, and may your road be level and narrow. Its a lot safer that way.

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