I have been comtemplating the diet thing. I know I should just jump right in and get started. I have been preparing, and preparing, and preparing some more. I found an awesome website to go to for tips, support, recipes, etc. I have been getting the groceries, supplements, exercise tapes that I truly enjoyed when I used it yesterday for the first time. So why don't I want to start? Even going low carb, I know I will miss Pizza Hut, Burger King, McD's, etc, but I think missing pizza is only a small portion of the problem. Mac and cheese withdrawal, pasta salad, spaghetti, those are part too. But thats not it. Could it possibly be the fear of failure????????? Do I want to feel better? Do I want to look better? Could it be that if I start looking better, that I may actually attract men who may only want me for sex? (That part sounds more like a dream come true. LOL) What if I get hurt again? I think I keep this fat hanging around to cushion me from the temptation. If no one is tempted to care, then I won't be tempted to care either. Its so much easier to go out with someone I don't really love. I can't get hurt that way.
If I dwell on the dark side of my life, it seems that the people I love the most died, or just walked away. Except for my son, and when I try to picture him older, I can't, and I think its a blessing every day I get to spend with him. I expect one day for him not to walk through the door. I know he too will be taken from me. Then you can bury me with him, cos there will be no reason for me to go on. I just have to enjoy the time we have.
I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I think its just been my relunctance to get started on this diet, and trying to figure out why. It could open up some new challenges for me, but would that be so bad? I really want to feel better. I really do. I get tired of wheezing and trying to hide it. I think thats why I started getting to school even earlier. Its quite a walk from the parking lot to the building, and that way I can get there and get my breathing under control before any of the gang get there. How very very sad and pathetic. I am tired of feeling pathetic. Action needs to be taken, but am I woman enough to do it???? I have survived a lot of crap. Can I not survive being too sexy for my own good? (I had to think of it like that. When I get on a good diet and lose a few pounds I turn into a sex freak.) I think a lot of that is attitude, and of course the physical part of feeling better.
I am trying to make myself believe there is no downside. A big concern of mine is this: what if I still don't succeed even after losing weight? It has been my protector for so long, my crutch, something to blame if something didn't go my way. It was never "my" fault, it was because I was fat. Ahhhhhhh. Thats the problem. I will have to be more accountable for my life. Its so much easier to blame a flaw. I know my weight has held me back, but what if I am not the person I think I am? How much has been the weight, and how much has been me personally? When I quit smoking, I thought the breathing thing would be better. Then I realized how much of it was the weight and not the smoking. Oh sure, smoking was a big part of it. But not all of it. It's been 5 years since I quit smoking, and I don't seem to have any long term effects from it. Now its just the gross fat that encases my svelte self locked up inside. I don't feel fat in my head. When I dream I am not fat in my dreams. I can see my feet in my dreams. (without propping them up in front of me even) Usually I put off the diet thing for less stressful times, cos I know it will be like a full time job till I get the routine down. Now I am afraid if I don't get started, my son will be the one feeling that everyone he has loved has died or walked away. We talk about his dad sometime, and I know he thinks about that sometimes. I don't want to say anything bad about his dad, but don't want to praise virtues that he doesn't have. What if I lose all this excess weight, and then get hit by a car? ( Like that is a big concern, its just a pause to put off getting started)
I have some decisions to make. I feel better and more energetic already since I did the TaeBo yesterday. I keep this up and I will be able to whoop ass soon. :)
God Bless those who take care of themselves, and especially those who are afraid to.