Sunday, July 10, 2005


I may have posted on this before, but if I have its been awhile. I have been reading one of Dr. Phil's books, and thats whats prompted this today.

I have a hard time with forgiveness. "Everyone" says its the right thing to do. What if someone does you wrong, never admits it, and goes on with life even though it effects you in a major way? Case in point:

I was living with a guy for almost a year, and we were having a rough time. It was at the end of its course as far as he was concerned, although he never said that, but it was the way he made me feel. I loved him immensely and wanted the relationship to continue. He had two children I was helping to raise, and they were the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt needed, loved, and important in someones life for the first time in a very long time. I think it was a need for me to hold onto the kids more than him, as he took me for granted and we had some other problems as well.

Anyway, a friend from mine moved back to town who I had met at work about a year before she moved to another state. I knew she had a problem with morals, but I was the only one who would have anything to do with her on a social basis after she returned. (I was the only one that still worked there that lived in that town. All the other people we used to hang with were in other small towns in the area.)

Within a months time from her moving back here, she was living with the guy that I had been living with. I was devastated and thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I had a part time job where I would be an errand girl for an elderly lady 3 days a week after work, and while I was there, she was at my house. If I got home and she was there, she would say that her kids were bored and were wanting to play with his kids. I bought it hook line and sinker. I didn't trust him, as I knew we were growing farther apart, but I didn't think she would screw me over. I was wrong. His birthday party she ended up "performing a sexual act" on his person. They had both disappeared and turned out I found them both naked at her place. A fight ensued and I threw amazon woman out of her house by her hair. (its hard to find a place to grab a naked woman)

I blame him too, most definitely. We had a talk a week or so before, and I told him then, if he wanted someone else, to just let me know and I would walk away. I would have it end gracefully rather than badly, which it did. I had wondered about the two of them, and asked her and she said "Oh NO! He is yours and he loves you so much. I would never do anything to hurt you." they both were making me think I was crazy. The crazy thing I did I guess was to stick around as long as I did. They have since married, and divorced, and he has remarried. Last I heard she had a boyfriend in prison somewhere and was trying to relocate closer to him.

Needless to say, I am glad I am out of that whole thing, except for the children. I am so concerned for them, but I have no legal right to have any contact, and he won't let me have contact so thats that. I won't go behind his back, even though he didn't seem to worry about doing that to me. (yeah, I am bitter)

So, everything I read says I should forgive them. I can't. I don't want to. For me, forgiveness means accepting it and being ok with it, even though things I read (even NOT Dr. Phil) says it doesn't mean that at all. How can it not mean that? What am I missing? They never told me they were sorry. I never got any kind of apology at all. So, why should I relieve their conscience and forgive them?

And why is it supposed to be so important for me to do so? I don't dwell on it. I don't think about it often at all. Its the first thing that comes to mind when I read about "something in your past where someone screwed you over, or screwed with your head or your feelings" etc, etc. If anyone has any ideas on this, I would like to hear them. Thanks.

1 comment:

SunGrooveTheory said...

Angelize, I am glad you're out of that situation, too. That guy definetly did not deserve a person as good as you :)
I was thinking about forgiveness earlier today, too. Have you seen that movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman? Mom and I rented it today, and I really do like it a lot.
There is one dialogue in which they are discussing forgiveness, and the main character's mother points out that we have to forgive people not for them, but for us. She pointed out that the anger we harbor toward others only gives them power over us.
I see her point there, and it made me want to try harder to forgive others. I think maybe the first thing, really, is forgiving oneself? I think we have to forgive ourselves for letting us get into such situations, and for the 'mistakes' we make- maybe that would make it easier to forgive other people, too?
The movie also has lots of funny parts. I think you might enjoy it :)
Take Care,