Saturday, January 01, 2005

Contemplating vegetarianism....

Well, not really. I found out today that I can't eat venison. The b/f brought over what he thought was a roast, but turned out to be ground. A lady at work had given it to him along with some summer sausage. We were going to have roast, potatoes, and carrots, but I made chili instead. While I took a shower this morning he was cooking the ground venison. He has the patience to stand there and stir and stir and stir. It drives me crazy. He thinks if there is anything on the stove it has to be stirred constantly. I am a stir to make sure its mixed and doesn't stick, walk away for a few minutes, then go back and stir type. He stands there and stirs and stirs and stirs. One of the idiocyncrasies either about him or about me that I don't like. Who's to say whose wrong here? He may be normal, and I may be the anal retentive whatever you want to call it........... (Nope, its him. :)
Anyway, we talked about making omelets this morning, and I was thinking in the shower of a nice fluffy omelete with melted cheese, onion, and bits of ham. When I got out of the shower, he had made scrambled eggs with venison and cheese in them that had been stirred till they resembled saw dust. I took a couple of bites, then ate two pieces of toast. :( I made chili with some of the meat, (it seemed almost in powder form at this point) with my home canned tomatoes, kidney beans, and onions. I was out of chili powder, but I don't like the flavor that it leaves with this cheapo crap chili powder. There has to be something better out there. I told him I didn't always use chili powder anyway. He made some comment about me liking chili that doesn't taste like chili. In my mind I screamed for him to get his sorry ass out of my house and never return, but in real life I told him there are over 12,000 ways out there to make chili, and this is just one of many. He just said, "ok". For us being together over 2 years now, he sure doesn't know me very well, and I am tired of him. Someone asked us one night at the movie when we were going to get married, and I just pretended I didn't hear them. I need to just tell him to go on his way, but at the same time, he wouldn't be seeing anyone else, and neither would I. It nice to have someone to go out with to movies, etc. My son adores him and his son. We chat online every day. I see him more as a friend than anything more, and I know he wants more. I have been over this before, so I won't bore you with the sordid details again. Needless to say, it would be easier on everyone if I could have deeper feelings for him, but it ain't going to happen.
Needless to say, I tried a couple of bites of the venison chili and thought I was going to puke. I am sure it tasted fine, but it was grainy, (probably from all the damned stirring!) and mostly I think it is a mental thing. He said, "Its not Bambi". I told him everytime I see a deer (which are plentiful around here) I am going to beg forgiveness. He took it all home with him, which I am forever grateful for that. As soon as he left I started lighting incense and turning on fans to get the smell out of the house. I had gotten used to the smell, but had to go outside for a minute and when I came back in it smelled horrible. Like Bambi simmering on the stove.
I made me some instant mashed potatoes after he left. He spent the night last night and I think it was just too much time here. I feel bad since we used to see each other 3 or 4 times a week, and now its just once a week, but sometimes its still too much. I hate that I feel that way. He is a nice guy for someone out there, who wants someone with no ambition, a stirring obsession, and I will go no farther. I can be such a bitch. I better go to bed. Its not fair to him. I am no prize either. I write things no one is going to read, so whose to say who is the warped one? (It's him, I think.)

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