Thursday, April 21, 2005


Depression is settling itself over my land. My own personal land. Lets hope its just a temporary stay. If I could sleep it would help a lot. Part of the not reason for sleeping is because the roof of my house is falling apart and there are racoons up in the attic running through the night. How hard would it be for one of them to chew through the ceiling while we sleep? I think there are babies or at least one up there now. I think it fell. There was a sense of madness as its caregiver ran round and round trying to rescue the babe it can't get to. I am tired. Beating on the wall with a broom every time I wake up. I feel for its panic, but it wasn't invited here.

I thought I would try to do homework now, so maybe I can sleep during the day while it is silent. I don't know what to do about it. Who do I call? If I had money I would just have someone come and replace that part of the porch roof, and animal proof my home. It really freaks me out. I need sleep. I crave it. Its not good for my health not getting at least some of the rest I need. I am getting enough to survive on I guess, but I think that is my problem as far as overall not feeling well, and the depression, and the weight.

I called my attorney yesterday. He said he was waiting for me to make an appointment. More mail I didnd't get. :( He said he mailed it over a month ago, and just assumed I was busy. I still haven't received my check that was mailed out over a week ago. I will have to make some calls today and see if they can trace it or whatever they can do. I really hate having to go see him. I will have to make some decisions as to whether to go through with this or to drop it. If I go through with it, it may cost me more money if I don't get a settlement. I am intimidated easily when someone is trying to prove me as not telling the truth. I DID get carpal tunnel from work. They are trying to say its because I am fat, and because I have trouble with swelling. They say its from the computer, or from when I used to crochet. I know I get wordy in my blog, but most of the time I am on the computer its doing homework (which I didn't have while I was employed), and reading a lot, which I what I used to do all the time. I love message boards and go there to learn. I have a few computer ones I go to, one on a daily basis. I can read it for hours. Not much time for that right now, but that was always my habit. I haven't crocheted since I got pregnant with my son, and while I had symptoms of carpal tunnel then, thats not why I quit. My time became consumed with my child and survival. No time to get the crochet hooks out and whip up a blanket. I kept the last one that I made so he would have one. I tried making one a few years ago for a friend of mine that was pregnant, but the pain was too much. What bothers me is it seems "their" job is to try to prove me a liar, when what I did was hide it for a long time because I couldn't afford to lose the job.

The swelling in my legs hurts a lot. I keep taking the lasix. It seems to help for a few hours, then nothing. They stay swollen only sometimes not as tight. I think rest would help this too, laying down instead of sitting here in front of the computer. It doesn't matter whether I elevate them or not. There is not much relief. I found a medical search engine so I searched "swollen legs" and heart disease was the most prevailing answer. It would make sense. I have a lot of the symptoms. I am hoping that its not just me trying to make it fit so I at least have a clue what is going on. All the tests I had done for the 3 years I was trying to pursue and answer, they didn't do any tests on my heart. If I ever stop on this blog, it will be because I am dead or incapacitated. This is such a release to me, those are the only reason I forsee to quit.

I am falling apart, my house if falling apart, I wanted to be a straight A student, and thats not happening either. I am saying all this to try to get the disappointment in myself out of my system. By typing it out, maybe it will all go away. Leave me to happy thoughts. Some days I can block out the negativity, and just keep on keepin on. Thats what I have to do no matter what.

I better get on with my homework. This was building up and I had to unload.

God Bless, and pray for me. I need to make some decisions I don't know how to make.

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