Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Whats wrong with me?

I don't think of myself as overly sensitive. Most of the time I don't feel I am sensitive enough. Sometimes I feign caring about something that really doesn't matter to me. I can't think of any particular incident, but its standard for me.

That said, there are two things that can make me cry within seconds. One I can understand, but the other I have no clue. When I see a baby, the tears start. I know this has to relate to the daughter I had that was stillborn. I don't necesarily think about her in the moment, but I know its close to the surface. Today I saw my aunts great grandson at Walmart. He is 2 months old today. I didn't cry in front of the mom, but I started choking up. She probably thinks I am a real flake. Either that or she thinks I have a cold. I will go with that one. I understand that one.

Since that one makes sense, at least to me, this next one doesn't. I have had uncles in the military, but it was when I was very very little and didn't know what was going on. One uncle was in Korea, before I was born, and the other one was in Turkey, but I don't remember when. I don't consider myself overly patriotic, which may be a bad thing to say. I am grateful for my country, and I thank God there are people who are willing to risk their lives to go fight. I love my country, I just don't consider myself a flagwaver. Before this gets to sound like those boring humdrum political blogs, (which I don't completely comprehend) on to my situation. When someone sings patriotic songs, I bawl like a baby. When people say the pledge of allegiance, I lose it. I was at a Mark Lowry concert once, (one of many actually, a very very talented Christian comedian) and he did a tribute to the branches of the military. When he said the name of the branch, he wanted the men in the audience to stand up so they could be applauded. I was a mess. I am a strong person, and felt very odd bawling like that. People around me were wondering what was wrong, but I don't know. I can't explain my reaction. No one I know has served, except for my uncles, and that didn't effect me. I have had this reaction for years, and the first time I noticed it was at a fireworks display. Today before I went to Walmart I had planned to do some banking, but the streets were blocked off. Then it hit me. Today the local troops were coming back from Iraq. When I saw the street blocked and the people walking toward the square, I started bawling. They were walking that direction from all over town. (I had tried various routes to get to the bank, to no avail) By the time I got to Walmart, I had to sit in the car and pull myself together. I got in the store and I think I looked ok. Then I saw the baby. We talked for a few minutes, and I went on with my shopping. Then they started over the intercom. " The troops are currently on route ## and about 20 minutes from town. " CRAP! I started tearing up again. A few minutes later I hear "The troops have now entered the city limits. Lets welcome our kids home. " DOUBLE CRAP! I can't even type this without bawling. Do I need therapy? Or what? What the hell is going on with me? Don't tell me I am a caring sensitive person, cos I wouldn't believe it. Did I lose someone in a war in a past life? Ooops. I don't think Christians are supposed to believe in past lives. If anyone has a clue, or an idea what I can do to stop this behavior, let me know. I feel like a freak.

God bless. Love and support your troops and your country. Wherever they/it may be.

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