Thursday, February 24, 2005


I treated myself when I went out shopping the other day. I got my flowers I didn't get for valentines, candy that I didn't get for valentines, and I got a Barry Manilow Cd that wasn't the live version. I like live versions sometimes, but not when its the only album I have by that artist as a rule. (Yes, I said artist, and if you are going to diss Barry, don't let me hear you.) Anyway, I've been up since 4 am. My son came and curled up with me, and for being so small, is such a bed hog I decided to get up. I put in my new Manilow Cd (Ultimate Manilow) and was just watching my WMP. Pathetic, I know, but its fascinating. I was playing with the visualizations and it just amazes me what one plunk of the chords on a piano will do, making the visualtions jump and flitter about the screen. I really enjoy technology. Its so awe inspiring how things have changed since I was a kid. I can only imagine what it would be like with a fast connection. I found out I am out of the area for DSL, but they are putting me on the wish list. :( Someday I too will be able to fly with the big boys.

With all these cool visualizations, it makes me long for the good old days of drug induced fun. I miss a lot of the fun I had back then, but responsibility is a big ummmmmmmm, responsibility. LOL The last time I was stoned was when my son was conceived, and that was over 9 years ago. Before that, it had been a few years. I was already growing up. Too many bills and not enough cash flow. I have never been the type of gal that guys bought drinks for, given flowers, and apparently chocolates. LOL. I just go out with duds. That is the problem. I went out with one guy who gave me a rose on the first date, which I thought was kind of cool, but we only saw each other twice. My son wasn't even 2 years old yet, and this guy wasn't someone I wanted to be around my kid, which meant he wasn't good enough for me either. I had to start basing things on that, because I used to hang with a lot of people that weren't good for me, but since it was just me it didn't seem to matter as much.

There has been some discussion about old flames calling back after years. I have had that happen a few times, and one guy would call every couple of years to see about getting back together. He was a sweet guy, not hard to look at, and he treated me like a woman. BUT he was an alcoholic. He would tell me he quit drinking, or needed help quitting, but he didn't really want to. One time he called and told me he quit, so I went over to visit, just to see. We had a great love affair in our earlier years, and it would have kept going if not for the drinking. I get over to his place, and he was telling me it have been almost a month since he had a drink. Of course, I sat across from him in the living room and could see the beer sitting under the coffee table with the condensation running down the can. I mentioned it to him, and he got this sheepish look. If he would have been honest, he would have had a better chance, but don't try to get back with me and lie to me the first time I see you in about 5 years. He used to call every couple of years, and then it stopped. Of course, I did the Google thing, and nothing. He had so much potential, and we treated each other really well. I just got tired of the passing out, the lying, and being with a drunk all the time. I found an obituary archive online, and checked. His name was there. :( He died 3 days after my birthday. I don't know how, but it was probably self inflicted. Such a crying shame. He was a good man, just a good man with a problem which made for stupid decisions on his part. Such a waste of a good person.

I am going to back to staring at the visualizations now. I am depressed. God bless. Kisses to Jerry, wherever you are. :(

1 comment:

SunGrooveTheory said...

chin up, princess..