The victim strikes again.

Chatting with b'f last night just set my teeth on edge. I wish I wouldn't feel guilt about dumping him so I can just do it. My son would miss him so much though.

Anyway, he said something about Monday being the 4th, and how he gets his son. He is planning on getting him at 10 am. No big deal to me. We didn't make any plans. I am sure we are included in his, but we hadn't talked about it. He hemmed and hawed around, and I asked him what he had planned, and he said he was going to try to convince me to come to his house. Why he said "convince" I haven't figured out yet. I told him all he had to do was ask. He hesitated, (this was on messenger) like he was straightening his clothes before a judge, and finally asked if I would do him the honor of coming to his town and spending the day with them. Before I had a chance to answer, he typed "pretty pretty pretty please?????" What a dumbass. I asked him if I have ever turned down and invitation to his house. He thought, and thought, and thought. "Well, no." I mentioned that if I ever did say no, it would have had to do something with the shape of my car, or bad weather was in the forecast. (snow, ice, that kind of thing. Rain wouldn't be an issue)

I don't understand why he acts like it takes such supreme effort to ask. Last year when his son was in band and had to march in parades he never invited us. I assumed it was because he was escorting his exwife to a lot of the out-of-town ones. No big deal. My son and I like parades and little festivals, but he didn't ask, and I wasn't going to invite ourselves. He said later that he didn't think I would want to come.

My take on this is that he keeps waiting for me to say no, so he can feel like the victim yet again. We went through this thing before where he kept talking about us getting married and crap, and I knew that wasn't going to happen as long as I had a sane bone in my body. I told him we needed to talk. He kept asking me on messenger what about, and I told him we would talk about it next time he came over. We ended up talking on the phone, and it wasn't the best way to set it up, and I know he was upset, but holy shit. I told him I didn't want to discuss it that way, but we needed to get a few things out in the open. He said he realized I was having a hard time talking about it, and it always is when you are dumping someone. I was pissed. I told him if I was going to dump him I would just tell him I never want to see him again. I wouldn't make plans to discuss it in person, cos thats the kind of chicken I am. He felt a lot better after we talked in person, but he was ready just to collapse under the agony of being dumped with no discussion.

Maybe its a man thing. Maybe its just a dumbass thing. I know I am not speaking very kindly of someone that I care about, but it drives me crazy. Maybe I am really just a bitch. He expects to get turned down, even though its been 3 (I say 3, he says 4 years that we have been dating) years and I haven't turned him down as far as going to his house goes. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a gradeschooler, and he seems to prefer that.

Ok, the steam is being let off now, so maybe I can talk to him like a human being again. I sure wish I could find another expert kisser. (see previous post, its been wayyyyyyyyyyy too long)

God bless, and pray for our relationship, whatever it is.

Another quiz yet again....

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing... And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Hmmmmmmmm, its been so very very long since I have had a good kiss. :(

The older student...

You can feel it as you walk the halls. People searching faces, hoping to see a friend. Even though the face is unfamilliar, you can sense the maturity, the ill feeling of not fitting in. The moment of recognition and kinship with other older students. The palpable feeling of "you are old, so if you can do it I can do it too" feeling. The "we have to stick together" feeling. The relief washes over you as you see that you aren't the only one that didn't get a higher education fresh out of high school.

At the junior college I am attending, there are a lot of older students. A lot of the manufacturing plants in our area are being sent overseas, or just shutting down altogether. Some of us are taking the opportunity to try to better ourselves so we won't be so indespensible. You can see the unsureness of people, and they bond they feel just seeing someone close to their age as they hustle from class to class. A word doesn't even have to be spoken. Just a glance, means "you're ok, I'm ok".

The average age in my speech class is 19. The oldest student is 46. I will be 46 in a few weeks. :( We had an exercise in class where we were given sentences and we had to write down how we interpreted them. For instance, how old do you think old is? How old is elderly? How much is considered a good living, as compared to a great living? Its all in translation. I put old as 75, simply for the fact my stepmother is 70 and is more lively and busy than I am. She doesn't seem old. I really think it depends on the person. One of the girls in class said that she considers 40 old. :( That was a good boost for my ego. :( The punk.

The diversity of people amaze me. There are the whiners, who really get on my nerves. (ok, ok, I know I whine HERE but I try to contain it just to here. People in my real life think I am strong and confident.) Then there are the buttkissers, who try to butter up the instructors for the better grades. I lean more toward being quiet and working hard, but that doesn't work out too well. I killed off too many brain cells in the 80's I think. It amazes me how people who have a hard time putting two words together can get better grades than me. I have a friend who can't find her way out of a paper bag without a map and a day of snacks, but yet she got on the dean's list and I didn't. What does that say about me? (That's a rhetorical question!!!!! No comments on that please!) She has poor grammar,and poor spelling and that drives me crazy. She is the type who gets most of the lyrics wrong in songs she sings, but yet gets better grades??? She stays after every class and chats up the instructors. She told me that one instructor said you have to smooze them and it helps come grading time. She said she is going for it. I know I don't test well, and I have been working on that, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I will just keep plugging away, and striving to do the best I can. It's just nice to know I am not the only "old" person there.

Have a great day, and God bless.

Happy Monday

Back to school for me today. Speech class was ok. We have a quiz tomorrow. My other class was a bomb as far as I am concerned. We have to write another batch file for DOS and I forgot everything over the last week. There were only about 5 of us that had the homework done that he had given us, so at least that was something. Tomorrow we go straight to lab and I will try to make sense of that mess I was working on.

I got a new computer chair today. It is wonderful. Black leather, with a massage unit and heater in it. :) I may sleep here tonight. :) They were on sale at Staples, so that was a good thing. It was very much needed. I just want to sit back and go to sleep. May not be conducive to good homework productivity.

I have to try the new picture thing I just read about. It looks like it works. This is just a picture I got off the web. I just had to check it out. Thats a lot easier than hosting it somewhere else. It makes my life just that much easier. :)

I guess I will go. I am just going to lean back in my massage chair and take a little nap. Life is good. Except for DOS batch files. :(

God Bless.

Herbie Fully Loaded

We went to the movie today. It was corny. It was unbelievable. It was fun. It brought back the memories of when I was a kid and saw the original ones with Dean Jones and Buddy Hackett. I had a huge crush on Dean Jones when I was a kid. He was cute, funny, and seemed very lovable to a little girl growing up. *sigh* The movie was good, although I really don't think that Lohan chick is all that. She makes a lot more money than me though so I guess she is. I am sure she doesn't care about my opinion anyway. lol

I have been dreaming about different improvements I want to make to my house. I know a lot of it will come to be over time, but it never hurts to plan ahead. I took a tour of Home Depot Thursday, daydreaming through the aisles of what I could change, and how it would look. I figure one room at a time. First the bathroom. It should take less than $1000 to get it completed. Almost all of it is done except the plumbing and some minor carpentry. I want a new dishwasher and kitchen sink. That will probably be next. I would like to replace the wallpaper and linoleum in the kitchen too, but I am not up for a big remodel for awhile after this bathroom thing. Of course I need new carpet and a new living room suite, but that will come in time too. I plan on waiting at least for my next big grant check before I do anymore than the bathroom. I want to have a cushion.

We played Mario Golf on the game cube tonight after we got home. 4 people on 18 holes last forever, especially since G likes doing replays about 5 times on every shot. :| When people do the rude comments when you are shooting is a real nerve wracker too. I think they all do it just to drive me crazy. Oh well, they just left a few minutes ago, and the house is peaceful again. All I can hear is the hum of the air conditioner and the low murmurs of The Red Green Show in the other room. I love that show. I have turned on about everyone I know to that show.

It's been nice not to have any homework this weekend. I plan on reading over my notes for speech tomorrow. I got an A on my speech. :) 68 out of 70 points. I was very pleased.

The contract wasn't there when I got to the attorney's office Thursday, but he said it should be sometime early next week. It will be nice to get all that behind me. That whole thing has been a burden now for almost 2 years. Actually 3 if you count the prestuff. Wondering if I should have the surgery, etc, etc. I am so glad I did. The pain was awful and really made a difference as to how I do things. I'm so freakin glad its almost to a close. The next big stresser to get rid of is finishing school and seeing what job I get after that. I love ruts. I hate starting all over again somewhere else. Such is life.

God bless.

It's over...

My attorney just called. My claim is settled. Words cannot describe the relief I feel. He may have the papers by the time I get out of class tomorrow, and he may be able to get them finalized since the arbitrator is still going to be in town. After class I have to drop by and see if everything is in place. It feels like 50 lbs was lifted from each shoulder.

My only concern is if I get the money before my roof gets done. The funds have already been ok'd, but I don't know if this counts. I would still rather get the loan and pay the house off since its at a higher interest rate. I won't be rich, but at least I won't have to worry about making house payments for the next 5 years. Holy COW! Its hard for me to comprehend right now. If the roof thing doesn't go through, its going to take almost all that I get after attorney's fees to get the roof done, and that would really suck. I am just going to think positive thoughts.

The speech is over with. It went good. I got compliments after class by a few of the people. That made me feel better. Everyone can tell how nervous I am. I don't have the grade on it yet, but I read over the instructors evaluation and it was all good. All the classmates evaluate us too on strong points and what we need to work on. I saw one of mine laying on the desk and it said I need to work on eye contact. Thats a valid point, but these were manuscript form and everyone had a hard time with that since she wanted it at close to word for word as possible.

Life is good. Thanks for all the prayers. I am almost speechless.

God Bless. *sigh*

So far so good

My attorney called a bit ago. He said he had just talked with the attorney that is representing the company and has recommended that they settle. (the company attorney recommended to the company that they settle) My attorney says if they don't agree and we still end up in arbitration it won't be till Thursday so at least I am off the hook tomorrow. The attorney for the company said he was surprised he hasn't heard from the company, but he just got back from vacation. Mine and the company atty are supposed to talk tomorrow and go from there.

I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack today. I was thinking about that tomorrow and also giving my speech tomorrow. At least now I can tackle just one thing. My voice has been cracking for a few days now, and I know its because of the stress. My dad said I can take 1/2 of one of his Xanax in the morning and that should help. I have never taken one before, so we shall see. Meds usually don't effect me a whole lot, so I don't think it will be a problem. I rewrote my speech a bit, and here is the final version (its supposed to be manuscript form, so here it is in its entirety)

I come here today to pay tribute to something very near and dear to my heart. Something that has met the challenges that life has thrown his way. I want to express my gratitude and praise for my car. (insert picture #1) This is how Car might have looked in his heyday.

Car was made in the year 1989, and had high ideals of what he wanted to do in his lifetime. His hope and dream was to surpass the lifetime of most cars his age.

He has been there in good times, going to parties, bringing home a new baby from the hospital, and taking his people to weekend getaways. He has been there in bad times. going to funerals, transporting his people to the doctor when they were ill, or to visit a sick friend in the hospital.

He has even withstood all the mundane tasks required of him. Trips to the grocery store, the bank, school, and the monotonous daily trips to work. He has always been dependable and did what was required of him.

Life hasn’t always been easy for car. He once came in contact with a deer and was taken to the car spa. He had parts replaced, parts beat out with a big hammer, and work done under the damaged hood as well. He never looked quite the same. He was there for quite awhile, and there didn’t seem to be any rush. It was all so very strange to him since so much had been required of him before. He didn’t know how they were dealing with his absence. When he got home he found out he had been replaced. Something newer and flashier now had his spot by the door. A sign went up on his windshield, and he sat patiently waiting to see what would happen next. He had a prestigious spot in the front yard, but day after day he sat. Occasionally his person would come out, put the key in him, and give him a good start. A few times he would get to go out on the open road, feeling the wind rushing past his bruised and battered body. He loved the feel of the wind, and the rocks under his tires. This was what he was meant for, this was his dream. They would make their way back to the yard, back to sit and wait. After a few trips like this, he got moved to the back of the driveway. He could no longer watch all the other cars going down the road. He was left sitting despondent on the hill.

Oh sure, he still had some use. He was a shelf when someone was pruning the

tree he was sitting next to. He was a plaything, when the little girl of the house had a slumber party and they all piled in him and pretended they were teenagers cruising Lincoln Avenue in Charleston on a Friday or Saturday night. He was even a home to a wild creature who built a nest under the hood. He sat through the change of seasons, each one with the hope that his dreams would be realized. The test starts were fewer and farther between, the drives became almost nonexistent. He felt alone, and forgotten.

One day he was visited by his person, and a nice lady and her young boy. They looked under his hood, took him on another drive down the road. The lady was gentle with him, and this held some promise. A few days later, the nice lady showed up, removed the sign, and started him up. They went sailing down the road, and to this day barely has any time off. What joy, what pleasure Car has in being useful again.

No one knows how many people have looked upon Car as an object, a possession, but it was all fine with Car. He was here to do his job. Car has performed and done what has been expected of him. He has surpassed this goal, and even kept going when it was said he didn’t have it in him any more. People have thought that Car needed to be put to pasture, but he isn’t done yet.

Although outside appearances can be deceiving, (insert picture #2) I think that Car shows us that no matter our age or what life has thrown us along the way, that it’s the inside, it’s the heart that counts. We can all be flawed, weathered, aged, but its what pulses through us that makes us what we are. For this I would like to thank Car, for being what he is, dependable, sturdy, and strong, especially in the face of adversity.

Thats it. I found a picture online of a car like mine would have looked brand new except I had to colorize it. Then I took one of mine with the almost paintless hood. Poor thing. I need to go practice. I didn't think I would be able to find 3-4 minutes worth on my car, but it ran a little over 4. The most we are allowed are 4 1/2, so I need to time it right.

God Bless, and keep praying about the attorney thing. I was a wreck today. Thanks.
(let me know what you think about the speech. Just BE NICE!) :)