Grief

I don't handle grief well. I've had a lot of loss in my life. 

I got a message this morning that said "Sorry for your loss. I know you two were friends." 

I had to go through fb to see what was going on. My friend passed away a few days ago. We used to be really tight, but her health had been deteriorating for years. She had numerous autoimmune diseases, and got to the point a few years ago where she couldn't leave the house without someone with her. 

I met her when we worked together. She was what I wasn't. Strong, didn't take crap from anyone, and you never had to wonder what she was thinking. I've been told I'm strong, but they don't see me when I would go home and weep. 

We had a lot of laughs, went shopping together, we just had a lot of good times. We really complemented each other. She helped me to face some things I didn't think I could, and I would bring her down to earth when she got worked up over things that she shouldn't be. 

She eventually quit and got another job that was better for her health. She lasted there a year before she had to quit. We used to meet for breakfast after I would get off work, and picked up like there was no time lapse. 

One day when we were supposed to meet,she messaged me and said she couldn't. Her mom was taking her to the hospital. She got through that. Then the next time we talked about it, she said she would have to see because she wasn't able to be out on her own. I never saw her again. 

I would send her Christmas presents, birthday cards, notes, etc, but I never saw her again. She acknowledged every time I reached out. I know people that knew her, and said when they saw her out they knew she couldn't last much longer. 

She didn't feel comfortable having people to her house. They had moved her bedroom into the living room while we were still working together. She liked everything a certain way, and was so upset when it came to that. 

As I get older, I feel I deal with grief better. Well, I thought so. I just need to get it out and let it lay where it may. I take comfort in knowing she isn't in pain, doesn't have to be escorted about, and can leave the "damn cane" alone. 

Fly high my friend. See you on the other side. Give my family hugs from me. God Bless.

Keto and God

Good morning. I'm on target reading the New Testament daily. I'm actually studying it. When I try to read the Bible in a year, it's more of a race than actually studying it, so this year I decided to concentrate on the New Testment. I'm in Matthew where they talk about the parables of the seeds growing on the poor soil, rock, in thorns,and good soil. I think I fall in the thorns. I let too much other stuff choke me out. I was comparing this to some of the Keto facebook groups I belong to. There are groups that are dirty keto (as long as it fits in your macros, you can eat whatever garbage you want.) Not effective keto if you are trying to get/stay healthy. (My opinion, I'm not the Keto Police, but... well, maybe I am, but it's not my job. People can do what they want, but I think that attitude has new people perplexed when they can't figure out why it's not working for them.) To me that is the poor soil. You don't learn enough of the best tools to help you progress the way you desire. so it quickly fades out. Growing on the rock, you know just enough to get started, but after a temptation you cave, and shove a peice of cake in your face, so what you have accomplished is quickly sqashed. In the thorns, People who have been keto quite awhile can often dilute the process for new people. They give them advice and information that they go by, but for a new person who isn't ready to experiment with that works for them or not often takes the advice and fails. The good soil... you find the best method for learning. Abide by the rules to the best of your ability, and learn what works for you. Every person is different, so learning styles are different. You can thrive with making educated decisions and learning the best way that works for you. This is a win! I eat Keto, and done properly it's amazing. Now if I can just stay in the good soil, all will be well. Thats my TED talk for today. God Bless ;)

Faith.

Awww my friend. Time to reconnect again. This is one of the places I turn when I have a lot on my mind. Here goes.... I am a Christian. I've read the Bible through twice. The 2nd time was 2021. I skipped last year. This year I'm only doing a daily reading of the New Testament. The Old Testament doesn't always sit well with me. Different times. I need more explanation for me than I could find. So here I am in Matthew. Jesus is healing people who have faith that He is the son of God. I believe. While reading and praying today, I told Jesus that if he did today what he did then, I would think he was a charlatan. There are so many things I see today that I can't trust hardly anyone except my inner circle, which is small. People starting Go Fund Mes to deal with costs of dealing with their cancer, who aren't sick, people reporting "news" that has been edited so you don't get the correct story, etc. The list goes on and on, and it's hard for me to believe anything anymore. I DO believe Jesus is the son of God. To be honest, sometimes I have doubt, but I always come back to the same belief. Oh ye of little faith. I'm at the point in Matthew where he is healing people with faith. I have asked for healing many times for physical healing. Is it because I don't have enough faith? Or, could it be like Paul's answer? The Thorn in the Flesh 2Co 12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure 2Co 12:8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 2Co 12:9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. I'm no Paul, not even in the running. But maybe I'm the way I am so I have to live by faith. I have often felt that I'm not worthy to be healed, but maybe it's one of my life lessons. IDK.

Time to revisit and blow off some steam....

Good morning world! It's been a couple of years. We are having a major snow event, so I took the night off. I'm so ready to retire, but my finances aren't as ready as I am. I'm getting there. The world has changed so much since I've not been writing. Now everyone is racist. Crime is ok. Biden is president. It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm afraid for our country. I'm afraid for society. I'm sad for the people who still think Biden was the right choice. Almost everything about our country has changed. Some people are more kind, because they know the kind of world we grew up in, but there is so much hatred aimed at the wrong people. Enough politics. It depresses me. Don't even get me started on Covid. What has me riled up today, unlike most other days? So here we go... a little backstory. I have been single most of my life. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. It is what it is. I don't know if I'm unlovable, but have been told I'm a little headstrong (intimidating is one of the words people have used as well). I don't like to put up with crap. I did that for a long long time. I am responsible for myself. I've had to be. I would love to depend on someone who feels the need to coddle me, and love me, and care for me, but it's not happening. I have to make my own decisions for my best interest, because it won't happen otherwise. Yes, my son loves me, and he cares, but he has his own life and doesn't live with me. I called in last night at work due to this upcoming major snow event. 8 to 12 inches of snow with freezing rain overnight, possibly more, etc. I live 20 miles from work. I'm not going to risk it, so I called in last night. It was supposed to start around midnight. Driving 20 miles in the middle of the night on icy roads through the country doesn't really appeal to me, especially since there is no one at home who would notice if I didn't make it home. I don't know who I would call if I ditched the car, if I was even able. I've seen cars upside down in fields on my trips to and from work. Not my idea of feeling safe. So, I was looking at fb today, and one of my coworkers was complaining about the ones that called in. Me and 1 other person. They didn't mention me by name, but listed the ones who came in. They mention something about people abusing FMLA, which I have, but it doesn't apply to snow days. I posted that "I took a point, just so you know. Have a great day gentlemen." with a winky avatar. I wanted to say so much more, but didn't. I keep thinking about it, which is why I opened up this thing. I had a hard time finding it. I wanted to say I have been responsible for my own well being for a very long time. I own my own home (the one doing the complaining lives with his wifes mom, and lives less than a mile from work.), my car is paid for, and I don't have anyone else I can depend on in these situations. So F off. That's what I wanted to say. One of my coworkers lives with his mom. He's 56. I don't see how they can judge me, but they do. I think I have done pretty well for myself, considering. I try to stay classy. Some people make it harder on me than it needs to be. :) I bet my blood pressure is better than the person who started the post. He gets riled up over EVERYTHING. Just chill man. Life shouldn't be as tough as you want to make it. Life happens. Try to enjoy the ride and work on things that are in YOUR control. Now, worry about your own life, and quit complaining about mine. Thank you for always being here in the background, my blog, my outlet, my peace of mind. It's very calming to put this out in the universe so I can drop it and deal with matters at hand. I've got my snowshovel where I can easily grab it and go whenever this mess stops. May not be tomorrow. Looks like I'll be calling in again, probably. Maybe I'll stay off of fb so I can remain classy. LOL God bless, and pray for our country, peace among our people, and that the stupidity is found and fixed. Power on.

Here we go again....

Another emotional day. My daughter would have been 34 today. There is no way I can ever forget. I don't think I would want to. I just don't need reminded. My bff is a firm believer in acknowledging this. She lost her daughter, and grieves differently than me. I don't like being reminded. She feels it's her duty to let me know my daughter isn't forgotten. Every year she calls me, texts me, sends me a card and a gift for my daughters birthday. Posts on fb that she's praying for me. She thinks she is honoring my daughter, but it makes me miserable. I would rather be able to pretend to the world that I'm ok. Really. 

After my last post, she contacted me. (she doesn't know about my blog.) She asked me how I was. I told her it had been an emotional day. I told her about the movie, about our classmate passing away, but not about me feeling alone and pretty hopeless about ever meeting that special someone to share my life with. She said she understood, after all, it is September. I hadn't even thought that far ahead. Thanks for the reminder. :(  I have told her in the past I wish she wouldn't do that, but she thinks she is helping me. It's not. I tried to tell her a long time ago it's not helping me at all, but she is doing it to honor my daughter. So every year I can't just mourn for my child lost alone, it has to have even more reminders I don't need or want. But my bff is my bff, and I don't know what I would do without her. We have been through a ton of stuff together and I love her dearly. She thinks she is helping, and I can't tell her again not to.

So, that's where I'm at today. Missing my daughter I never got to hold. Once I get over this crying jag, it will probably be another year before I cry again. I'm staying away from sad movies. Give me a good old comedy any day. 

God Bless. Please try to listen to someone's heart, not just their words. Sometimes caring hurts more than helps.

Hello old friend. I need you.

 I see you are still here, waiting to be needed. You are. It's been a weird couple of days (who I am kidding? It's been a weird life!) I need to vent. I'll just start with yesterday. 

I got a text from my brother. I love my brother, and his family, but was always treated by my brother and his wife like I was from his past life, and he had moved on. I always felt like I was intruding. We still speak, but we don't get together unless its a family reunion or I find some family pictures I think he would want. Him and my sister don't speak at all. (political differences, what else???) He let me know his wife is being put on the list for a double lung transplant. I knew she had lung issues, but don't know what they are, and it's private so I will probably never know. He asked for prayer, and wanted me to notify other family members. (only the ones he told me I could.) If anything happens to her, he will be lost. My heart breaks for them and the kids and grands. They are an extremely tight family. Please pray. I have been. I love them. 

So on to today....I watched a movie. A very sad love story based on real life. I Still Believe. It's a love story about Jeremy Camp and his college sweetheart and wife. It made me think so much of my mom. Jeremy's wife passed when she was 21 I think. Mom was 32. They both had cancer, just different types. I know how devastating it can be to lose people to that horrific disease. I still miss my mom. I'm 61 years old, and can still remember her reading to me before I started school. We used to go to the library all the time. I know that's where I got my love of reading from. It's also a great way to escape reality. 

Another realization hit me. Such a sense of loss and futility. I will never know the type of love that was projected in the movie. (yes, I know it was a movie, but I know people who actually do find love, and love deeply.) I will never have that in my lifetime. It makes me sad I missed that. I've been crying most of the afternoon. The movie just opened the floodgates. I loved deeply when I got married. I thought he did. Then he moved on. Now he is on his 3rd, last I heard. I honestly don't keep track. 

I know my son loves me. I know my bff loves me. I know my brother loves me in his own way. I just wish I had a special man in my life who would choose me to spend the rest of his life with. Someone to grow old with. My bff and her husband are a great example of what I wish I had. They disagree on things, but compliment each other through life together. She zigs and he zags and it all meets in the end. 

I don't think I'm marriageable at this point. I've been alone too long. I've been working on improving myself, but I can only take it so far. (losing weight, washing out the gray, started wearing makeup again...) I just feel hopeless. 

Then I get a text from a friend of mine after the movie was over. Her boyfriend of a year broke up with her this morning. Two short sentences written in pain. It started like a whirlwind and she was so happy. Her social calendar filled up, but we emailed and tried to keep in touch as best as we could. I answered her text, and just got an email back. She was totally surprised. Said she will be ok, but it's going to take awhile. Bless her. She's been prayed for. I've been doing a lot of that today. 

Then...(Yeah, when it rains it pours) I got a fb alert from one of my group pages that is usually dormant for very long periods of time. The main time it's used now is when we lose another classmate. I remember her from school, and knew she had married, but just found out from her obituary that her husband passed away 3 years after they married. She has a daughter, son in law, and grandkids, but she was a single mom most of the time. I had no idea. (we had a pretty big class, and I only went to 1 class reunion, so I only kept up with a few) A few years ago she had some very serious health issues and moved away to live with her daughter for awhile. She came back to the area a year or so later. I'm assuming she was still having health issues. She never said, but she seemed kind of frail. Fly high my old school friend. 

So, this is my pity party. I hope once I get this out in the universe this feeling will be lifted and I can try to be the shining light I try to be. (Really. ;) ) I try to be positive and upbeat, and can't stand being around negative people. But today is my day to let loose and unload. 

I feel better. I need to be getting back to prayer. There are so many people who need it right now. 

Please pray for your loved ones. And unloved ones. And our country. And our politicians. This world is crazy. 

God Bless.

Purpose

Today I hit a milestone, and I'm not happy with it. I turned the big 60. The last 23 years of my life I had a purpose. My purpose was to raise a human being to be a good human being, kind, caring, intelligent person. One who can think with their head and their heart, and act. Done.

He moved in with his girlfriend this past weekend. We've both been preparing for awhile. It was tear filled on both our parts. The thing that got me was I was on one side of the door looking through the glass and he was on the other and I was trying not to lose it before he left. He looked at me and said "I loved living with you." He had tears in his eyes, and I lost it. As I'm doing right now.

Now it's just me and the cat. I try not to contact him too much as it's been hard on me, but he can't get his adulting underway if mommy is being a helicopter mom. It's hard to let go of the little hand that found comfort in mine. And mine in his.

Someone said it's just empty nest syndrome, and I'm sure that's it. Lots of people that have empty next syndrome also have a partner to share it with. I have friends, but they have lives too. I just need to find my new purpose, and try to be the best person I can be. My son knows he always has a soft place to land, advice whether he wants it or not, and unconditional love that will live forever.

I may have to start journaling again.  This is my soft place to land where I can be myself. A place I can come to cry and let out my frustrations. I haven't done that for a long time.

Life as it happens changes. And it changes us. For the better I hope. Time to move onward.

God Bless you.