An Open Letter to my baby daddy

I wanted you to know that our son has grown up to be a good human being. He is kind, thoughtful, incredibly smart, a hard worker. You would have been proud of him if you ever really wanted to know him.

The only time you made an effort to meet him was when he was a couple of weeks old and you drove up with your exwife and wanted to take him “shopping.” I knew it was a ploy to try to get your ex back, (whom you had been divorced from for at least 2 years before we ever went out) I was over the threats of you wanting shared custody so you have an excuse for your ex to help you, since you didn't know anything about how to take care of a child. I know your childhood was messed up. I was there. I saw your parents lock you and your sibling out of the house for “lunch” so they could have “spousal time.” I saw how you were treated and ignored because of the job they had. I have no idea about their homelife as children, but I don't think it could have been a good one.

I had a crush on you for a long long time. Even when you started dating my friend, before you broke up. Do you know why she didn't want to see you anymore? She was embarrassed when you would pick her up for lunch because you showed up in your work clothes. She was embarrassed to be seen with you. So when you and I started seeing each other, I had finally realized it was to make her jealous.. We broke up a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant. When I found out (she's the one that told me when I told her how I was feeling bad all the time) she actually told me that she wasn't sure if she should give it another go with you or not. Not what I was expecting to hear.

Even when you and I were still seeing each other, you didn't treat me well. I'm assuming you were treating me the way your dad treated your mom. Not a good thing to aspire to.

I asked you if you would be my coach and with me at the hospital. You were too busy, so I got a different coach. I asked if you wanted to come to a dr appt, You were too busy. Your exwife called me after I had the baby and told me it was a horrible way to find out by reading it in the paper. I told her you were a liar, I called you when I started having contractions and told you I was being admitted, but you were busy. So you just lied like you had no idea. When you called your first question was what was his name. I couldn't use your last name if I wanted to (which I didn't) because since you weren't there its a law that the baby gets my last name, which was my intention after you proved the kind of parent you were going to be ( like NONE)

For awhile, you called maybe 3 times a year. All you wanted to do was complain about how hard you had been working, no one to cook for you, etc. You never asked about him. When he was 4 he asked me who was on the phone. I told him you were a friend of mine. You got angry and said to tell him it was his daddy. I told him that we would have to have the talk and I couldn't just spring it on him like that. That was the last time you called. We didn't need you anyway. 

It would have been nice if you could have spent some money and contributed diapers or anything for him. It would have been nice if you could have ever sent him a Christmas present like you said you were going to, but never did. It would have been nice when we ran out of well water (and you hauled water for yourself) if you could have brought some out when I asked, but you were too busy and your only response was to turn off the pump or it would burn up. So we waited for rain. :(

 It would have been nice if you could have shown any type of interest in him. He was probably around 6 when he asked me with his little lip quivering why his daddy didn't love him. I had to explain that his daddy didn't know how to love anyone, that it wasn't his fault. I tried to show him love enough for two. I know it wasn't enough, but I never wanted him to think he wasn't loved. He was (and IS) my world.

I never insisted on you two meeting because I know how you treated me, and I didn't want my son to see me disrespected. I put up with too much from you, because I thought you had potential, you just needed someone to show you actual love, and not just want you for what you could do for them,

I know you had a rough growing up. So did I, but at least I had parents that loved me. After I lost my mom I wasn't always sure, as my dad was broken. But I had it long enough to remember. I don't think you ever had that..

I waited till he was 18 to tell him who you were. I told him if he wanted to meet you it was up to him. I suggested he ask his big brother to go if he set up a meeting with you because I didn't want him to face you alone, but I knew it wouldn't go well if I went. He said no, he had no desire. He told me I was the only parent he ever needed. I often wondered how his life would have been different if he had a dad that loved and cared for him. As he was growing up I never badmouthed you to him. He didn't need my biased opinion to sway anything that he needed to see for himself. Thats why I thought 18 was the time to let him know. I was hoping that would be time enough for you to grow up as well.

I'm getting older now. I don't know how many more years I have left. I know you have 1 child you claim. No idea how many you really have. I was gullible and thought you really cared about me, until I realized you didn't. I should have left the “relationship” a lot sooner, but I wanted you to love me. Instead you made me feel even more inferior. I never wanted my son to feel that way, That's why I never told him who you were till he was older and knew more of his worth, so you couldn't convince him otherwise, like you did me.

After having my son, I realized I WAS a good person. I did the best I could. Having a human being who was dependant on me changed my world. I had to step up to the plate and be the best parent I could be. I didn't want him to grow up like us. I never felt worthy. Some days I still don't. But I tried my damndest to be the best parent I knew how to be. I still do. He's a good human, and that was my goal.

I really wished things could have been different. God knows I tried. I still pray for you. (ok, not daily, and to be honest, you aren't on my mind a lot, but I wish you could finally find true happiness and get over yourself.)

I wish you well, I honestly do. I hope if you try to contact my son, or if he contacts you, that you treat him like a good human. He deserves that and so much more. -

I just had to get that off my chest. 

Well, crap

 Geesh. I guess lately I only write when I'm in the feels. 

I was just telling my cat it's one of those days. She was cradled in my arms purring. When she sees me start to crochet she has to let me know she is a priority and climbs on me and settles in my arms till the thought of crocheting goes away. I love her for that. This cat was one that I had a hard time with at first because she never wanted petted or touched. She was a new kitten when I got her, and she just wasn't social. My other cat was the affectionate one, and now it's reversed. The older cat is 10 this year. The younger one is maybe 4 or 5? 

I just woke up feeling extra lonely today. I will be ready for winter to be over. Even if I don't leave the house I want fresh air wafting through the windows. I want to sit out on my porch with a good book and listen to the birds. I actually want to mow my yard. I may have found some walking buddies in town when the weather gets nice, so I'm ready. 

The closest JoAnn's to me is closing. I'm sad to see them liquidate, but I really didn't shop their that much. When I did it was only when they had great sales, or it was something I really needed. I like Hobby Lobby better for yarn, but since they are only in the bigger cities it's usually not worth the drive and dealing with the traffic. JoAnns is also a good excuse to see my son and wife. :) I feel guilty sometimes when I stop over because he's been working a lot of hours, but I miss my kid. I know he's not a kid anymore, but he will always be my baby. I'm so proud of the man he has become. Hard worker, smart, and likes to learn stuff. He's a good human, and I couldn't love and respect him any more than I already do. I'm so glad he found someone to share his life with. She's good to him and for him, and I love her all the more for that.  

So, I did a thing. I sent a Christmas card to my high school crush. I didn't tell him I had a crush since Jr. High, I just thanked him for being nice to me in school, and that I always thought fondly of him. I gave him all my contact information, and told him how I got his address. 

Valentines day has come and gone, and crickets. I was kind of expecting that. He was pretty shy in school, all those many years ago. My inside information said he was single, and not doing well physically. I thought maybe he would send a note or something, but nothing. My friend who gave me his address was more upset I didn't hear back. I told her it took me 50 years to say something, so I wasn't expecting a fast reply. I pray for his health and peace of mind daily, as I do my family and friends. 

I try to get out of the house at least once a week. The weather lately has been crap, and today is no exception. Another day at home. At least (weather permitting) I'm going out for a haircut Tuesday. I think it's supposed to be below zero that day, which I'm NOT looking forward to, but it will be good to get out of here. I think I've been home for 6 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a desert island. The bad thing is, if I get invited out or make plans I can often find a good excuse not to. I'm trying to do better, but I'm content not getting out 95% of the time. It's when that 5% kicks in that gets me. I'm not bored, I have plenty of things to do to keep me entertained. I've barely been reading lately, like I did last year. I'm working on my 3rd baby blanket for this year. (my goal is 7 by November for a charity thing, so that's on track.) I haven't even made birthday cards for this month. Oh Spring, wherefore art thou?????

Well, that's it for today. God bless you my friend. Thanks for listening. It's time to pull up my big girl panties and get on with my day. Journaling really does help.