Where to start....

I keep going day by day. I usually do ok. Today is not one of them. My son came over yesterday to help me with yard work. We worked for quite awhile, and got a lot accomplished, but the yard still looks horrible. My mower has been in the shop a couple of weeks. Still waiting not-quite-as-patiently...

Anyway, I don't remember what him and I were talking about, when I told him I don't think I will ever find love again. I wasn't looking at him, at first. He said "you don't think so?" I said nope, I took my shot, and that's it. I looked at him then, and he had such a look of sadness for me it about broke me. It broke me this morning.

I always wanted a true deep love. Instead I settled. I didn't think I could do any better, so I settled. I have settled a lot. 

The only thing I felt in my control was trying to be the best person, partner, parent, friend, employee I could be. 

Still, I miss what I wanted to be a major part of my life.

I question God sometimes on why I was on this road. As many diets, including fasting for weeks, vegan, keto, carnivore, taking supplements, not taking supplements, exercising, etc, why am I still morbidly obese??? I have been all my life. I feel like I have been making excuses for existing, since I'm not worthy because I can't even control my weight. 

I can't stand up to people like I should, because I feel like I'm a nuisance. I'm not worth their consideration, and that's a crappy way to feel. 

I quit asking why for the most part, except for days like today. I just try to do my best every day, even if it's just staying out of peoples way. I try to let the people that I care about know that I care. I have work mates from years ago that still keep in touch, one of them messages me daily, and we haven't seen each other in probably at least 10 years. She is in a really bad marriage so I think I am an anchor for her. She messages me a "have a wonderful day" every day so I message her back with an acknowledgement and positive thought for the day. She needs it, and I'm glad I can be there for her. Just because I feel like my life sucks sometimes, doesn't mean I can't try to boost someone else. 

I don't feel like this often. Today it really hit me, and I needed to get it out. Now maybe I can put on my happy face and continue like all is well. If I try to talk to any of my friends about it I will probably see the same look on their face that I saw on my son's face yesterday.  I don't want anyone to feel sad for me. Every time I close my eyes I see the look on his face. I don't ever want to see him sad again. 

Letter to my High School Crush Part 2

 Well, I don't know where to start. 

A friend messaged me yesterday and let me know that you passed away. I haven't cried yet, but I can feel it won't be too much longer before I break. I know I had "our" relationship built up in my mind, but I feel like I've always loved you, and now you are gone. I didn't get to show you.

I feel such a big loss. Honestly, after I sent you the Christmas card with my contact information I was really hoping you would contact me. When I contacted the friend about your passing whom I had told about sending the card, she said she was really sorry. She thinks the reason you didn't contact me was because you were really sick. I had known that for a long time, but was hoping you would still take the chance. I would have loved you so well.

To be honest, I feel like the last chance at a full blown love is gone with your passing. It's ridiculous, I know. You had no idea. I always had hope before, but it left with your passing. 

I hope you know you were cared about. Loved even. Sorry I never got to show you. Rest in Peace. Maybe I'll see you on the other side. 

My life as an Introvert

 I wasn't always an introvert. I used to be outgoing, party, not backwards. I had lots of friends when I was younger. Until I didn't. 

I was always the fat girl. Always. Still am. I didn't let it bother me, much. I had appreciated my friends so much, until I didn't. 

A few comments that I accidentally overheard, and pretended I didn't. About how I was such a nice person, shame I was too fat. I've always been the fat girl. The introversion started when I learned that I wasn't as accepted as much as I thought I was. I thought I mattered to people, until I found out what mattered more to them was who they wanted to be seen in public with. It broke me. 

I still have friends from school. People that know me and care about me. I have a few close friends I have made since then. 

I started withdrawing from people at a young age. I would get over it for awhile, until I heard it again, then would go back to withdrawing. I had assumed that people grew up and wouldn't hold that against me any longer. 

I had a cousin that was getting married, and she wanted me at the serving table. They wanted me to try on her sisters dress (she was really thin) but my aunt told me it would stretch, just to see what size I needed. It was really stretchable, so I stuffed myself into it. It looked horrible. I was just ready to step out of the bathroom with this horrible dress on when I heard one of my younger cousins talking about how bad it would look since I was such a fat ass. My aunt was mortified, and stood up for me. I was mortified as well. So I withdraw again....

I have figured out that people who say they are your friend, and act like your friend, may not be. That's why I'm particular who I spend my time with. 

I don't like to be in crowds. I feel like a moose in public places. 

Maybe when I get to heaven I'll find out why I'm this way. I have tried just about every diet I know. Keto worked for awhile. I went to Carnivore when it seemed to stop. Now I'm ketovore.  I've fasted, I have been vegetarian, pescatarian, calorie counter, exerciser, I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of the whole thing. I feel such shame for not fixing it. 

I just want people to accept me as I am. Maybe that's why I care so much for other people, the underdogs, the people who try every day to step out and do what needs to be done. The people who show up when they don't want to because they have to. 

I just can't anymore. I will keep my small circle of friends, avoid crowds, and live my life to the best of my ability. 

It gets really lonely sometimes that I just want to cry, but I'm safer this way. Some days I feel like my soul is bruised. Then I pray, and start hearing from people in my circle, like they know... 

God Bless, and I hope you have an abundant circle you can trust. 

An Open Letter to my baby daddy

I wanted you to know that our son has grown up to be a good human being. He is kind, thoughtful, incredibly smart, a hard worker. You would have been proud of him if you ever really wanted to know him.

The only time you made an effort to meet him was when he was a couple of weeks old and you drove up with your exwife and wanted to take him “shopping.” I knew it was a ploy to try to get your ex back, (whom you had been divorced from for at least 2 years before we ever went out) I was over the threats of you wanting shared custody so you have an excuse for your ex to help you, since you didn't know anything about how to take care of a child. I know your childhood was messed up. I was there. I saw your parents lock you and your sibling out of the house for “lunch” so they could have “spousal time.” I saw how you were treated and ignored because of the job they had. I have no idea about their homelife as children, but I don't think it could have been a good one.

I had a crush on you for a long long time. Even when you started dating my friend, before you broke up. Do you know why she didn't want to see you anymore? She was embarrassed when you would pick her up for lunch because you showed up in your work clothes. She was embarrassed to be seen with you. So when you and I started seeing each other, I had finally realized it was to make her jealous.. We broke up a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant. When I found out (she's the one that told me when I told her how I was feeling bad all the time) she actually told me that she wasn't sure if she should give it another go with you or not. Not what I was expecting to hear.

Even when you and I were still seeing each other, you didn't treat me well. I'm assuming you were treating me the way your dad treated your mom. Not a good thing to aspire to.

I asked you if you would be my coach and with me at the hospital. You were too busy, so I got a different coach. I asked if you wanted to come to a dr appt, You were too busy. Your exwife called me after I had the baby and told me it was a horrible way to find out by reading it in the paper. I told her you were a liar, I called you when I started having contractions and told you I was being admitted, but you were busy. So you just lied like you had no idea. When you called your first question was what was his name. I couldn't use your last name if I wanted to (which I didn't) because since you weren't there its a law that the baby gets my last name, which was my intention after you proved the kind of parent you were going to be ( like NONE)

For awhile, you called maybe 3 times a year. All you wanted to do was complain about how hard you had been working, no one to cook for you, etc. You never asked about him. When he was 4 he asked me who was on the phone. I told him you were a friend of mine. You got angry and said to tell him it was his daddy. I told him that we would have to have the talk and I couldn't just spring it on him like that. That was the last time you called. We didn't need you anyway. 

It would have been nice if you could have spent some money and contributed diapers or anything for him. It would have been nice if you could have ever sent him a Christmas present like you said you were going to, but never did. It would have been nice when we ran out of well water (and you hauled water for yourself) if you could have brought some out when I asked, but you were too busy and your only response was to turn off the pump or it would burn up. So we waited for rain. :(

 It would have been nice if you could have shown any type of interest in him. He was probably around 6 when he asked me with his little lip quivering why his daddy didn't love him. I had to explain that his daddy didn't know how to love anyone, that it wasn't his fault. I tried to show him love enough for two. I know it wasn't enough, but I never wanted him to think he wasn't loved. He was (and IS) my world.

I never insisted on you two meeting because I know how you treated me, and I didn't want my son to see me disrespected. I put up with too much from you, because I thought you had potential, you just needed someone to show you actual love, and not just want you for what you could do for them,

I know you had a rough growing up. So did I, but at least I had parents that loved me. After I lost my mom I wasn't always sure, as my dad was broken. But I had it long enough to remember. I don't think you ever had that..

I waited till he was 18 to tell him who you were. I told him if he wanted to meet you it was up to him. I suggested he ask his big brother to go if he set up a meeting with you because I didn't want him to face you alone, but I knew it wouldn't go well if I went. He said no, he had no desire. He told me I was the only parent he ever needed. I often wondered how his life would have been different if he had a dad that loved and cared for him. As he was growing up I never badmouthed you to him. He didn't need my biased opinion to sway anything that he needed to see for himself. Thats why I thought 18 was the time to let him know. I was hoping that would be time enough for you to grow up as well.

I'm getting older now. I don't know how many more years I have left. I know you have 1 child you claim. No idea how many you really have. I was gullible and thought you really cared about me, until I realized you didn't. I should have left the “relationship” a lot sooner, but I wanted you to love me. Instead you made me feel even more inferior. I never wanted my son to feel that way, That's why I never told him who you were till he was older and knew more of his worth, so you couldn't convince him otherwise, like you did me.

After having my son, I realized I WAS a good person. I did the best I could. Having a human being who was dependant on me changed my world. I had to step up to the plate and be the best parent I could be. I didn't want him to grow up like us. I never felt worthy. Some days I still don't. But I tried my damndest to be the best parent I knew how to be. I still do. He's a good human, and that was my goal.

I really wished things could have been different. God knows I tried. I still pray for you. (ok, not daily, and to be honest, you aren't on my mind a lot, but I wish you could finally find true happiness and get over yourself.)

I wish you well, I honestly do. I hope if you try to contact my son, or if he contacts you, that you treat him like a good human. He deserves that and so much more. -

I just had to get that off my chest. 

Well, crap

 Geesh. I guess lately I only write when I'm in the feels. 

I was just telling my cat it's one of those days. She was cradled in my arms purring. When she sees me start to crochet she has to let me know she is a priority and climbs on me and settles in my arms till the thought of crocheting goes away. I love her for that. This cat was one that I had a hard time with at first because she never wanted petted or touched. She was a new kitten when I got her, and she just wasn't social. My other cat was the affectionate one, and now it's reversed. The older cat is 10 this year. The younger one is maybe 4 or 5? 

I just woke up feeling extra lonely today. I will be ready for winter to be over. Even if I don't leave the house I want fresh air wafting through the windows. I want to sit out on my porch with a good book and listen to the birds. I actually want to mow my yard. I may have found some walking buddies in town when the weather gets nice, so I'm ready. 

The closest JoAnn's to me is closing. I'm sad to see them liquidate, but I really didn't shop their that much. When I did it was only when they had great sales, or it was something I really needed. I like Hobby Lobby better for yarn, but since they are only in the bigger cities it's usually not worth the drive and dealing with the traffic. JoAnns is also a good excuse to see my son and wife. :) I feel guilty sometimes when I stop over because he's been working a lot of hours, but I miss my kid. I know he's not a kid anymore, but he will always be my baby. I'm so proud of the man he has become. Hard worker, smart, and likes to learn stuff. He's a good human, and I couldn't love and respect him any more than I already do. I'm so glad he found someone to share his life with. She's good to him and for him, and I love her all the more for that.  

So, I did a thing. I sent a Christmas card to my high school crush. I didn't tell him I had a crush since Jr. High, I just thanked him for being nice to me in school, and that I always thought fondly of him. I gave him all my contact information, and told him how I got his address. 

Valentines day has come and gone, and crickets. I was kind of expecting that. He was pretty shy in school, all those many years ago. My inside information said he was single, and not doing well physically. I thought maybe he would send a note or something, but nothing. My friend who gave me his address was more upset I didn't hear back. I told her it took me 50 years to say something, so I wasn't expecting a fast reply. I pray for his health and peace of mind daily, as I do my family and friends. 

I try to get out of the house at least once a week. The weather lately has been crap, and today is no exception. Another day at home. At least (weather permitting) I'm going out for a haircut Tuesday. I think it's supposed to be below zero that day, which I'm NOT looking forward to, but it will be good to get out of here. I think I've been home for 6 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a desert island. The bad thing is, if I get invited out or make plans I can often find a good excuse not to. I'm trying to do better, but I'm content not getting out 95% of the time. It's when that 5% kicks in that gets me. I'm not bored, I have plenty of things to do to keep me entertained. I've barely been reading lately, like I did last year. I'm working on my 3rd baby blanket for this year. (my goal is 7 by November for a charity thing, so that's on track.) I haven't even made birthday cards for this month. Oh Spring, wherefore art thou?????

Well, that's it for today. God bless you my friend. Thanks for listening. It's time to pull up my big girl panties and get on with my day. Journaling really does help. 

Life and Love

 I have always loved love. My favorite genre to read is clean romance. I don't need to read about sex when it's not in my life. 

I'm reading a really good book right now called Lowcountry Lost by T I Lowe. It's been really good, but it just made me really sad. The love in this book seems so real. It's made me yearn for what I don't have. 

I have been in love a few times. Married once, lived with a guy once. Had boyfriends, one I loved desperately, and others that were not for me. 3 serious loves in my life. The husband called it quits after 4 years. Guy I lived with decided he liked a friend of mine better than he did me. The boyfriend I loved desperately had a drinking problem, so I had to walk away. 

I love people. My son, his wife, friends, family. 

The love in the book I'm reading goes back to childhood. Just reading about the feelings they have shared through their whole life so far just reminded me I'm not going to have that. I don't even know what to write, but I need it to leave my head and go out my fingers. It just saddens me that there is no one I can do sweet little things for, no one to wrap their arms around me when I need it, or even when I don't need it. (I guess there is such a thing) I really miss having a special man in my life. 

I'm 65 now. I just... I don't know.... feel like I missed out on a big part of life. I just wish it could have been different, but I don't know how I could have changed it. 

I'm just in my feels tonight, and no one wants to hear that.  I don't even know what to pray about that anymore.

God Bless. 

I hope you have good love in your life.  

Sometimes Family Sucks

 I'm in a mood. I miss my brother, the way he use to be. Sort of. 

He has pretty much always been a jerk to me, but he thinks he's funny. He just says things for the laughs. I just don't even know what to write. I love him, but I don't like him very much a lot of the time. He takes every opportunity to make fun of me, one way or another. 

When my son was born we ran into each other while visiting my aunt and uncle. My son was a newborn, and my brother was telling my family that it's a shame if you want to see my son you have to see me too. (hahaha<------sarcasm)  :(

I took my son over to his house for trick or treat every year. They were the only reason we drove 20 miles on Halloween. His wife had made treat bags for all of the nieces and nephews on her side of the family, but apologized to my son because she had nothing to give him. She told him she would make it up to him later. That never happened. He was 5.  (I had made up a will when he was 6 months old in case anything happened to me, and they were suppose to get custody of him, and they can't remember him at Halloween???). They were good parents, raised great kids and the grands are spoiled, but in a good way. I thought they would be good to my son, but not when I'm around. 

Another Halloween, we drove all the way over there just to see them, but they weren't home. Turns out they got a van and went trick or treating with their grandson, it was a whole family thing. We only went over there every Halloween since my son was born. A heads up would have been nice. 

Then there was the sand episode. I had gotten my son a sandbox, but hadn't gotten sand yet. He called and asked if I wanted sand, and I said sure. Then he said how they were getting new sand for the grandson since this sand tracks in the house so they are getting a better kind. He would have it in buckets outside, so just come by when I can. When I went to get it, it was raining and there wasn't anything on top of the two buckets. I tried to get as much water out of them as possible, but wet sand is heavy. I got one in the trunk and left the other one. I didn't want to risk a mess in my car. He called me later and said I forgot one. I explained about the water and just told him I didn't want it. He wasn't happy, but neither was I. 

Ya know, he can dis me all he wants. I expect it, but not in front of my kid. My son has told me that he has said rough things about me even when he sees him out in the wild. He said it's strange how he always chuckles as he gives me a dig. I'm glad my son knows me the way he does. If he listened to my brothers "jokes" he would have no respect for me. He also thinks my brother is an ass. 

When my mom passed away, my dad was devastated. He could barely function. My sister and I depended on my brother, since he was the elder. Everything went to crap when he got married. Sad to see. 

There are many more episodes I could write about, but I'm tired of thinking about it. I just had to get it out of my brain so I can get on with my day. 

I miss him. I just wish he wasn't an ass. 

God bless. 

The people who can hurt you the most are the ones you love. 

39 Years

 Today would have been my anniversary. I'm missing things that could have been, should have been. Would have been. 

He's on wife number 3, last I heard. So maybe it wasn't a "me" problem after all....

God Bless. 

Seize the day. 

Memories and old friends

 Dear Friend who shall not be named, 

I thought about you the other day. I hadn't seen or heard from you in years, (apparently about 30) but always wondered about you. The friend we had in common said he didn't know where you were or anything, and that he hadn't seen you around for a long time. (this was years ago when I asked him) 

I know when I was going through my separation and divorce we spent a lot of time together. You were part of my lifeline for hanging on. 

I remember smoking a lot of weed with you, when you could find it. We had some good times. I remember all the atrocious lies you would tell. But we all knew we couldn't believe anything you said. You were really bad at it. But you felt like family. Thank you for holding me when I was crying mourning the loss of my marriage, my child, and life as I knew it. 

Then, I googled you. 

I found your obituary. I'm glad you got married, I'm glad you had a child. It didn't mention an illness, just mentioned everyone that would miss you. Well, not everyone. I have missed you for a long time, but now I know I won't ever hear from you. 

Then I found the letter. The letter I found was written in 1992, when I was 10 hours away. I've been cleaning and found a file that had old letters in it. One of them was yours. I don't even remember getting it. You gave me validation in the letter, knowing someone cared. Even if it was a lie, I will believe it. You were very troubled and without purpose before I left, and I was heartbroken. We needed each other, but I couldn't stay. I'm glad you sent the letter. I'm glad I knew you. I will always miss you. 

It's so weird I find the letter just a few days after I found out you were gone. 12 years and I didn't know. 

I wish I could put my arms around you one more time.  

Still missing you my old friend. 

God bless.  

Looking on the bright side.....

Well, today was fun. lol

 Dear high school crush, 

I thought about you again today, and said a prayer for you. It's been many many years since we graduated, but I think about you often. Not like a stalker or anything, but I hope you have had a good life. I hope you were loved the way I wanted to love you. I hope you had someone to cook your favorite meals, meeting you at the door with gladness that you were home after a day at work. I hope you had someone who got you your favorite gifts for birthdays, Christmas, and just becauses. 

I think my crush started in Jr. High. I remember sending you a card and signing it anonymously. I heard some of your friends at school asking if any of them sent it. I scurried away because my face was turning red. 

A few months ago I told one of my friends about my crush. Of course she had to do some digging, she was friends with some of your friends, so she sent me your address, phone number, and let me know you had been married for a short time, but not for a long long time. 

She asked me why I didn't contact you, or let you know when we were in school about the crush I had on you. I did that for your sake. I was the fat ugly poor girl. If your friends found out I had a crush on you, I was afraid they would tease you like they did me. I just loved you from afar. I was doing it for you. 

I saw you in Walmart once. You were at the end of an aisle I turned down. As soon as I saw you my heart jumped in my throat and I turned around and left the aisle. I didn't know that was possible after so many years. 

I pray for you often, that you are having a good life. I'm hoping if I ever see you in public again that I will have the courage to speak and act like a normal person, not the schoolgirl crush person. 

Are you the same quiet, shy gentle giant you were in school? You may not have been overly tall, but you were in my heart. 

I pray you have a good rest of your life. If we perchance to meet, I'll try to act like a grownup and not a cow-eyed love struck girl. Or maybe I will. I just wanted someone to know that you have always been cared about. Even if it was by an ugly fat poor girl. I'm comfortable with who I am now, except for the fat part. My heart has always had room for you. I hope you can feel that from here. 

God bless

My burden

 I have been fat my whole life, even as a 3 year old, as far back as I've been told. Actually, I found a letter my mom wrote my grandmother When I would have been 2 that said I tried eating the cake off of the birthday card she had sent me. Food and weight has always been an issue. 

I am morbidly obese. I have been most of my life. I have tried everything to fix it, except surgery. I have fasted for 7 days at a time, I have done cleanses, keto, carnivore, tried to exercise my ass off, etc. and everything has failed. 

I have lymphedema. I think I have lipolymphedema. I went to physical therapy for 3 weeks where they wrapped my legs. The first week I lost 10 lbs of fluid just in my legs. She said I also have it in my torso. That explains some of the extra weight, but not all. I normally eat between 800 and 1500 calories daily. I am sugar free. I am gluten free. (all except on RARE occasions) 

I have prayed and prayed for this burden to be lifted. I just have to turn it over to God and leave it. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of people telling me I need to exercise more, eat less. 

I lost 80 lbs when I first started keto, but then the weight loss stopped. So I went to carnivore. No change. I ended up gaining about 30 back. Very disheartening. I tried occasional cheat days to try to get out of the slump. No difference. 

I asked my dr. if it could be hormonal. He said could be, but my numbers are good, so he sees no problem. 

I have some mobility issues because of the fluid in my legs, and arthritis in my knees, but I try my best. I know people think I'm just lazy and sit around eating all the time. "They" probably think I lay around in bed all the time too. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night. Sometimes 3, sometimes 5. If I'm awake, I'm up. I don't laze around in bed. 

Apparently, it's ok to pick on fat people and letting them know they are fat and they need to do something about it. That seems to be acceptable to some. Trust me, fat people know they are fat. I understand the fat positivity movement, but don't agree with all of it. I think we should be treated as well as any other "flaw."  I'm tired of people pointing out things like "maybe park at the end of the parking lot so you can get more exercise" kind of thing. I don't ride around Walmart in a wheelchair cart. I don't stalk the parking lot or find a place close to the door (well, maybe if it's really cold or raining, but that's normal, right?)

I was talking to a friend of mine about me not sleeping. I told her its not doing my weight any good either. I'm sure my metabolism is down the tubes. She said "snacking too much when you aren't sleeping could be a problem."  I don't snack. I told her I only eat twice a day. She was surprised. She's a daily snacker, but doesn't have a weight problem. 

I just had to let off some steam. I'm tired. I'm going to let go and let God. Did he MAKE me this way? Any particular reason for this burden? IDK. I wish I could be in on the secret. I'll continue to pray about it, and do my best. 

God bless. Throwing up a prayer for me wouldn't hurt either. Thanks. 

Medication costs! Wow!

 Well, I made the Dr. appt. I went in this morning. We had a nice chat. I asked about the fat/sleeping, sleeping/fat thing. He said probably both. They are doing bloodwork. I'll probably find out the results tomorrow. I have another appointment with him next month. 

I told him about my sleep apnea thing. He's going to send a sleep clinic my info and they are suppose to contact me. I sure hope my insurance comes through.

I have a female issue I told him about. Although I hate taking meds, I asked for a prescription for something that was highly recommended to me. I was told it's a game changer for my issue. They sent the script to my pharmacy. 

I went to get it after my appointment, but did my shopping first since I'm sure it was just turned in. When I got there they hadn't filled it yet. I gave her my new insurance card, and asked if she could see if it was covered. It took her a few minutes to put my new information in. She finally got to look it up, and my insurance has to get with my dr to see if I can get it before they will approve. I asked how much it was out of pocket. It's over $500 per month!!!!! 1 pill daily. I even checked GoodRX, and the best price I could find was $476. I guess I will never get this issue treated. It would be helpful, but it's not life threatening. I would rather do stupid things with my money, like pay my property taxes, buy food, put gas in my car, etc. 

Holy cow. Something needs done about this health care system. It's out of control. 

God Bless. Stay healthy!

Fat and Sleep

 Wherefore art thou sleep? Yeah, ok. I won't be poetic, but I have an honest question.

Am I fat because I'm a lousy sleeper, or am I a lousy sleeper because I'm fat? That is my question of the day. 

I have never been a good sleeper. Not since my thoughts were awakened to the fact when it was naptime, I couldn't nap. Also, when it was bedtime I would lie there for hours waiting till I would sleep. As a grade schooler I started roaming around my bedroom till midnight or after till I could go to sleep. I think that may be what gave me my love of reading. I could do it for hours with no interruption. 

Even now, I usually can't fall asleep till midnight or after, but wake up between 3 and 5 am. No matter what time I go to sleep, I get up around 4 or so. Lately its been 3 am. 

I have also always been overweight. Not just a little, but a LOT. I have tried to diet, sometimes successfully for a bit, and sometimes failing. I have lost up to 80 lbs, and have gone back up 30. It seems no matter what I have tried the last year, it just steadily goes back up. Something needs to give.

My fitbit says I'm a lousy sleeper. My oxygen levels are sporadic at night, peaking into the orange zone at least 4 times a night. I have also been told I'm an extremely loud snorer. I can attest to that, since I have woken myself up more than once wondering what the horrendous noise was. 

I had to change physicians due to job change (It's official, I'm retired) and I had to set a primary care. I have never been to him, and don't even know if he is accepting new patients. I tell myself late every Friday that Monday morning my goal is to call and see if I can get in. I want to get my hormone levels checked (due to the not losing weight thing, but losing hair thing) and see if maybe I could get a sleep study done. Then every Monday I think I'll do it later. Then on Friday it starts all over again. 

I really don't like drs. I get tired of being told I'm fat. I have letters my mom wrote that my grandma saved when we moved out of state when I was 2. She was telling my grandma how I want to eat all the time, and tried to eat the cake off the front of my birthday card. I remember the dr. telling my mom I was just lazy. It's always been an issue. 

I don't overeat now. I haven't for a long time. I follow a more ketovore lifestyle. Usually more carnivore than keto. I did BBB & E for 7 weeks and didn't lose anything.  That's not right. 

I'm trying to talk myself into calling the dr. Today. I've got 2 hours before they close. Today. 

I just started listening to a book called "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker. It's been enlightening so far. I think I'm going to give up coffee and all caffeine for awhile. I drink 1 pot of caffeinated in the morning, and drink decaf the rest of the day. He said there is still 15 to 30% caffeine in the decaf that there is in regular. I drink about 3 pots of decaf a day. If I quit that, I may end up in a coma. I won't know till I try. I've not always been a coffee or caffeine addict. I am now though. 

Wish me luck, and God Bless. 

 

 

Overused Words

I have a rant. I'm fed up with overuse of certain words, especially this one. It's been really bugging me for awhile. I came here to take a brain dump and hopefully get it out of my system. 

I follow a pretty strict low carb diet. I belong to low carb, keto, carnivore facebook groups. I can't veer off a strict eating plan or I gain. I am a badge carrying member of the Keto Police. (yeah, ok, I know there isn't really a badge, but I would probably get beaten if I actually carried one) 

There are people who don't have to be as strict as me. I understand that. Some of the pages I'm on have a lot of new people to these ways of eating. I get frustrated when someone posts a food and say they eat it every day and it's wonderful. Delicious even. (THERE is that damn word... lets just call it the "D word". I don't even want to type it...) When they show the ingredient listing, it has all the stuff that isn't really keto (corn, wheat, wheat gluten, ingredients that use most of the alphabet, etc) I point out that it's got wheat so it's a no from me, and I get "I guess the Keto Police has finally landed" bs. I have even stated that I post that so new people will be able to make a judgment for themselves. Some people can't have wheat at all, anyway. They may not know they need to check ingredients and if someone that "does keto" says it's ok, then of course it must be ok. I don't tell them they are a jerk, or an ass, or anything at all, even though I want to when they start in on me. You do you, boo. Just don't try to give newbies the wrong impression.

Then, there is my aunt. I love her dearly. She is one of the sweetest human beings on this earth I have ever met. BUT her daughter posts recipes often (most are carb laden, unhealthy foods, like 20 types of cupcakes, etc) My aunt is a bad diabetic, and EVERY recipe my cousin shares on facebook my aunt has to comment with the D word. 

I have talked to my aunt before about cutting sugar to help control her diabetes. She says that's why she's on meds. Her numbers keep getting worse and worse. They just increase her meds. It makes me so sad. She has been like a 2nd mom to me.  

I know people need to make their own decisions. I just love them and hate to see people suffer with all these crappy diseases when they don't have to. It just makes me so sad. 

So no, I don't think it's "the D word" when you are poisoning yourself and your loved ones by buying sugar in bulk. She got angry with me because I wouldn't take the candy she offered. My blood glucose numbers are great even though I was diabetic. I'm not on meds. I researched a lot to see what I could do to bring my numbers down, and I found it. I still need to lose a lot of weight, and it doesn't want to go anywhere, but as long as my numbers are good, I am ok with that.  I kind of have to be. 

I just needed to blast that out of my brain and out through my fingers. Thanks for listening. I sure can't say all this in real life. 

God Bless, and put the sugar down! 

Love, Me. 

My mom.

 No one told me she was going to die.

My mother was a great mother. I used to tease my brother about him being her favorite. He would get mad and say all of us were our moms favorite. He was right. We felt it. She knew and loved the best and worst parts of us. I don't think you could ask for anything better than that. 

Her and my dad got married when they were really young. She was still in high school, and he was an 8th grade dropout. One of his friends was fixing him up on a blind date with my aunt, but he saw my mom and that was the end of that. He told me in his later years that as soon as he saw her, he knew. 

 My mom had told my grandparents that she was pregnant. She wasn't. That's the only way they would let them marry. She then told my dad what she did. My dad said that my grandpa mentioned about a year later that it was an awful long pregnancy. :) My brother was born a few years later. 

It wasn't an idyllic way to grow up. They always struggled financially. They both worked very hard. They had bought a house out in the country when I was in the first grade. A very small 4 room house with no indoor plumbing. Luckily, my dad was a doityourselfer. He turned the biggest room into a bathroom with another wall and turned the new room into a kitchen. 

Then my mom got sick. She went into the hospital for something non related, but I can't remember. I was around 8, I think. While she was there, they found a spot on her lung. I heard lots of whispering. She ended up having to quit work. Dad bought a color tv and put it in their bedroom. He told us we could watch the black and white tv in the living room. When he wasn't home mom would have us come in and watch the color set with her. She used to read to me all the time. She gave me my love of reading and libraries. It was "our thing."  Also my love of knitting and all yarn related things. When dad was at a church meeting in the evenings, she would let us stay up late and watch tv with her, but we were told it was a secret and not tell dad. We would hear the car pull in and run giggling into our bedroom and all pretend to be asleep when he walked in the door.  

She made numerous trips to a BIG  CITY for treatment. We would take her to the local airport and pick her up days later. I don't remember how long she was gone. It seemed like forever at the time. She would come back with marks all over her body when they were giving her treatments. 

While she was gone Dad started building onto the house. He added a huge living room and dining room/kitchen. Our old kitchen turned into  hallway. He was going to surprise her when she came home. Of course she knew he was doing it, but it was a real surprise the first time he started on it. He would work on it a lot while she was gone. 

One day at school, a girl I know told me that her grandma told her my mom only had a few weeks left to live. I told her that was a lie. I mean, yeah, she was sick, but you go to the hospital to get better, right? That night my pastor took me off the bus. We had a talk in his study, and he told me I was spending the night with them. We had a talk about what was going on. It was then I knew she was going to die. She passed away the next morning. I prayed all night I would get to see her one more time, but it was not to be. Dad came and told me at the pastors house. He was a mess. I had never seen him cry before. 

She never got to see her new addition to the house. She never got to go to the library with me again. There are so many things she never got to do. Give me dating advice, tell me not to marry my ex, meet my son, hug me. So many things. 

She passed when I was 10. I'm 63 now. I still miss my mom. 

I have probably written about this before it this blog. I don't handle death and dying well. One of my friends mother is entering the end stages, and it brought it all back to me. Not that it ever leaves me, but sometimes it just guts me. 

My dad told me a few years before he passed that my mom was his soul mate. He had remarried (he had 3 kids he didn't know what to do with) but mom was his forever love. 

They have been together in Heaven a few years now. They are with my daughter I'm sure. 

Love your family and your friends. You never know. Let them know they are loved. 

God bless. 

Trigger word

 There is one specific word that I can't stand, lately. (besides cuss words, most of those are used unnecessarily) 

I have been keto for a very long time. I have had numerous health benefits from it. I still need to lose a lot of weight and have been in a stall for awhile. As long as I keep active I feel so much better than I used to.  I am no longer  considered diabetic. 

I have friends and family members that are diabetics, some really bad. I have tried to spread the word, but get nothing from some of them but criticism, and even yelled at (I just made an off hand statement and they went OFF. I really don't like confrontation. I think it was misdirected as it made them feel less than for not being able to do it.) 

When I see them comment on sugar and flour filled recipes on facebook and say "that looks delicious!" I want to say "yeah, if you don't want to have legs anymore." Of course I never say it. These are people I love dearly. It breaks my heart to see them suffer. 

 It has really turned me off the word "delicious." Sounds silly, right? I think it's really overused. I rarely ever use that word. If I comment about something edible, it's more of a "that looks good." 

One of my diabetic people make candy for Christmas for all the family members and extended family. She got angry last year when I said no thanks. I did it tactfully of course, but she knows I don't eat sugar at all. I don't need gifts. I would rather just have them around and healthy. 

She will post pictures of the candy she makes. In my mind I think "I wonder how it feels to know you are poisoning family members?" I pray for relief from this disease for everyone. 

I know not everyone has sugar issues, or health issues. I know people process foods differently. I just mention it to the people I know have issues. People I haven't seen in a long time notice right away how much weight I have lost, and how much better I get around. 

Ok. That's enough for today. I feel better getting that off my chest. 

God bless. (and keep an eye on your blood sugar! It can be a killer!) 

Story time, thoughts and in the feels....

 Ahh my dear friend, 

I'm so glad I can come here and unload when I get in the feels. 

Story time... My parents could NOT sing. No debate, not even a little. Neither of them. I have inherited this trait, sad to say. I love to sing, but will only do it when I'm alone. In the car, at home. I think sometimes my cat even gives me the side eye. 

When I was a child, we started going to church when I was in the 1st grade. We didn't go at all before that. We had moved in an area with a country church, and some of the members would come over and talk to my parents. They started sending me. I think they sent my brother as well, I can't remember. (it's been a day or two....)  Anyway, eventually my parents started going. We went twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday night. We were involved in just about everything. It was a very small church when we started. Normal attendance was in the 50s every Sunday. It slowly was growing. I haven't been for a very long time. 

I've been doing well keeping up reading the New Testament every day so far this year. A lot of times when I'm reading, I will have some instrumental hymns in the background. I tend to lose focus easily, and it has helped. I just got the music started, but hadn't started reading. I started singing along to the instrumentals, I felt kind of bad because these were the weekly fare for years but I couldn't remember all the words. Instead of trying to remember, I just found them and started playing them with singing. Boy did the memories come flooding back. Standing next to my mom, all of us trying to sing. We felt it in our hearts, it just didn't translate to our mouths. Some of my fondest memories were in that church. My mom passed away when I was 10. It's hard to type when you have tears streaming down your face. I can still feel her hand in mine. It's been over 50 years, but I still miss my mom. At least her and dad are together now, with my daughter. I often wonder how different my life would have been if she wouldn't have passed so young.

This is why I don't handle grief well. I'm not grieving for the person that passed, I'm grieving for the family they left behind. 

It's hard to be an empath.

God Bless. Be kind to everyone. You never know what someone is going through.  

Grief

I don't handle grief well. I've had a lot of loss in my life. 

I got a message this morning that said "Sorry for your loss. I know you two were friends." 

I had to go through fb to see what was going on. My friend passed away a few days ago. We used to be really tight, but her health had been deteriorating for years. She had numerous autoimmune diseases, and got to the point a few years ago where she couldn't leave the house without someone with her. 

I met her when we worked together. She was what I wasn't. Strong, didn't take crap from anyone, and you never had to wonder what she was thinking. I've been told I'm strong, but they don't see me when I would go home and weep. 

We had a lot of laughs, went shopping together, we just had a lot of good times. We really complemented each other. She helped me to face some things I didn't think I could, and I would bring her down to earth when she got worked up over things that she shouldn't be. 

She eventually quit and got another job that was better for her health. She lasted there a year before she had to quit. We used to meet for breakfast after I would get off work, and picked up like there was no time lapse. 

One day when we were supposed to meet,she messaged me and said she couldn't. Her mom was taking her to the hospital. She got through that. Then the next time we talked about it, she said she would have to see because she wasn't able to be out on her own. I never saw her again. 

I would send her Christmas presents, birthday cards, notes, etc, but I never saw her again. She acknowledged every time I reached out. I know people that knew her, and said when they saw her out they knew she couldn't last much longer. 

She didn't feel comfortable having people to her house. They had moved her bedroom into the living room while we were still working together. She liked everything a certain way, and was so upset when it came to that. 

As I get older, I feel I deal with grief better. Well, I thought so. I just need to get it out and let it lay where it may. I take comfort in knowing she isn't in pain, doesn't have to be escorted about, and can leave the "damn cane" alone. 

Fly high my friend. See you on the other side. Give my family hugs from me. God Bless.

Keto and God

Good morning. I'm on target reading the New Testament daily. I'm actually studying it. When I try to read the Bible in a year, it's more of a race than actually studying it, so this year I decided to concentrate on the New Testment. I'm in Matthew where they talk about the parables of the seeds growing on the poor soil, rock, in thorns,and good soil. I think I fall in the thorns. I let too much other stuff choke me out. I was comparing this to some of the Keto facebook groups I belong to. There are groups that are dirty keto (as long as it fits in your macros, you can eat whatever garbage you want.) Not effective keto if you are trying to get/stay healthy. (My opinion, I'm not the Keto Police, but... well, maybe I am, but it's not my job. People can do what they want, but I think that attitude has new people perplexed when they can't figure out why it's not working for them.) To me that is the poor soil. You don't learn enough of the best tools to help you progress the way you desire. so it quickly fades out. Growing on the rock, you know just enough to get started, but after a temptation you cave, and shove a peice of cake in your face, so what you have accomplished is quickly sqashed. In the thorns, People who have been keto quite awhile can often dilute the process for new people. They give them advice and information that they go by, but for a new person who isn't ready to experiment with that works for them or not often takes the advice and fails. The good soil... you find the best method for learning. Abide by the rules to the best of your ability, and learn what works for you. Every person is different, so learning styles are different. You can thrive with making educated decisions and learning the best way that works for you. This is a win! I eat Keto, and done properly it's amazing. Now if I can just stay in the good soil, all will be well. Thats my TED talk for today. God Bless ;)