Letter to my High School Crush Part 2

 Well, I don't know where to start. 

A friend messaged me yesterday and let me know that you passed away. I haven't cried yet, but I can feel it won't be too much longer before I break. I know I had "our" relationship built up in my mind, but I feel like I've always loved you, and now you are gone. I didn't get to show you.

I feel such a big loss. Honestly, after I sent you the Christmas card with my contact information I was really hoping you would contact me. When I contacted the friend about your passing whom I had told about sending the card, she said she was really sorry. She thinks the reason you didn't contact me was because you were really sick. I had known that for a long time, but was hoping you would still take the chance. I would have loved you so well.

To be honest, I feel like the last chance at a full blown love is gone with your passing. It's ridiculous, I know. You had no idea. I always had hope before, but it left with your passing. 

I hope you know you were cared about. Loved even. Sorry I never got to show you. Rest in Peace. Maybe I'll see you on the other side. 

My life as an Introvert

 I wasn't always an introvert. I used to be outgoing, party, not backwards. I had lots of friends when I was younger. Until I didn't. 

I was always the fat girl. Always. Still am. I didn't let it bother me, much. I had appreciated my friends so much, until I didn't. 

A few comments that I accidentally overheard, and pretended I didn't. About how I was such a nice person, shame I was too fat. I've always been the fat girl. The introversion started when I learned that I wasn't as accepted as much as I thought I was. I thought I mattered to people, until I found out what mattered more to them was who they wanted to be seen in public with. It broke me. 

I still have friends from school. People that know me and care about me. I have a few close friends I have made since then. 

I started withdrawing from people at a young age. I would get over it for awhile, until I heard it again, then would go back to withdrawing. I had assumed that people grew up and wouldn't hold that against me any longer. 

I had a cousin that was getting married, and she wanted me at the serving table. They wanted me to try on her sisters dress (she was really thin) but my aunt told me it would stretch, just to see what size I needed. It was really stretchable, so I stuffed myself into it. It looked horrible. I was just ready to step out of the bathroom with this horrible dress on when I heard one of my younger cousins talking about how bad it would look since I was such a fat ass. My aunt was mortified, and stood up for me. I was mortified as well. So I withdraw again....

I have figured out that people who say they are your friend, and act like your friend, may not be. That's why I'm particular who I spend my time with. 

I don't like to be in crowds. I feel like a moose in public places. 

Maybe when I get to heaven I'll find out why I'm this way. I have tried just about every diet I know. Keto worked for awhile. I went to Carnivore when it seemed to stop. Now I'm ketovore.  I've fasted, I have been vegetarian, pescatarian, calorie counter, exerciser, I don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of the whole thing. I feel such shame for not fixing it. 

I just want people to accept me as I am. Maybe that's why I care so much for other people, the underdogs, the people who try every day to step out and do what needs to be done. The people who show up when they don't want to because they have to. 

I just can't anymore. I will keep my small circle of friends, avoid crowds, and live my life to the best of my ability. 

It gets really lonely sometimes that I just want to cry, but I'm safer this way. Some days I feel like my soul is bruised. Then I pray, and start hearing from people in my circle, like they know... 

God Bless, and I hope you have an abundant circle you can trust. 

An Open Letter to my baby daddy

I wanted you to know that our son has grown up to be a good human being. He is kind, thoughtful, incredibly smart, a hard worker. You would have been proud of him if you ever really wanted to know him.

The only time you made an effort to meet him was when he was a couple of weeks old and you drove up with your exwife and wanted to take him “shopping.” I knew it was a ploy to try to get your ex back, (whom you had been divorced from for at least 2 years before we ever went out) I was over the threats of you wanting shared custody so you have an excuse for your ex to help you, since you didn't know anything about how to take care of a child. I know your childhood was messed up. I was there. I saw your parents lock you and your sibling out of the house for “lunch” so they could have “spousal time.” I saw how you were treated and ignored because of the job they had. I have no idea about their homelife as children, but I don't think it could have been a good one.

I had a crush on you for a long long time. Even when you started dating my friend, before you broke up. Do you know why she didn't want to see you anymore? She was embarrassed when you would pick her up for lunch because you showed up in your work clothes. She was embarrassed to be seen with you. So when you and I started seeing each other, I had finally realized it was to make her jealous.. We broke up a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant. When I found out (she's the one that told me when I told her how I was feeling bad all the time) she actually told me that she wasn't sure if she should give it another go with you or not. Not what I was expecting to hear.

Even when you and I were still seeing each other, you didn't treat me well. I'm assuming you were treating me the way your dad treated your mom. Not a good thing to aspire to.

I asked you if you would be my coach and with me at the hospital. You were too busy, so I got a different coach. I asked if you wanted to come to a dr appt, You were too busy. Your exwife called me after I had the baby and told me it was a horrible way to find out by reading it in the paper. I told her you were a liar, I called you when I started having contractions and told you I was being admitted, but you were busy. So you just lied like you had no idea. When you called your first question was what was his name. I couldn't use your last name if I wanted to (which I didn't) because since you weren't there its a law that the baby gets my last name, which was my intention after you proved the kind of parent you were going to be ( like NONE)

For awhile, you called maybe 3 times a year. All you wanted to do was complain about how hard you had been working, no one to cook for you, etc. You never asked about him. When he was 4 he asked me who was on the phone. I told him you were a friend of mine. You got angry and said to tell him it was his daddy. I told him that we would have to have the talk and I couldn't just spring it on him like that. That was the last time you called. We didn't need you anyway. 

It would have been nice if you could have spent some money and contributed diapers or anything for him. It would have been nice if you could have ever sent him a Christmas present like you said you were going to, but never did. It would have been nice when we ran out of well water (and you hauled water for yourself) if you could have brought some out when I asked, but you were too busy and your only response was to turn off the pump or it would burn up. So we waited for rain. :(

 It would have been nice if you could have shown any type of interest in him. He was probably around 6 when he asked me with his little lip quivering why his daddy didn't love him. I had to explain that his daddy didn't know how to love anyone, that it wasn't his fault. I tried to show him love enough for two. I know it wasn't enough, but I never wanted him to think he wasn't loved. He was (and IS) my world.

I never insisted on you two meeting because I know how you treated me, and I didn't want my son to see me disrespected. I put up with too much from you, because I thought you had potential, you just needed someone to show you actual love, and not just want you for what you could do for them,

I know you had a rough growing up. So did I, but at least I had parents that loved me. After I lost my mom I wasn't always sure, as my dad was broken. But I had it long enough to remember. I don't think you ever had that..

I waited till he was 18 to tell him who you were. I told him if he wanted to meet you it was up to him. I suggested he ask his big brother to go if he set up a meeting with you because I didn't want him to face you alone, but I knew it wouldn't go well if I went. He said no, he had no desire. He told me I was the only parent he ever needed. I often wondered how his life would have been different if he had a dad that loved and cared for him. As he was growing up I never badmouthed you to him. He didn't need my biased opinion to sway anything that he needed to see for himself. Thats why I thought 18 was the time to let him know. I was hoping that would be time enough for you to grow up as well.

I'm getting older now. I don't know how many more years I have left. I know you have 1 child you claim. No idea how many you really have. I was gullible and thought you really cared about me, until I realized you didn't. I should have left the “relationship” a lot sooner, but I wanted you to love me. Instead you made me feel even more inferior. I never wanted my son to feel that way, That's why I never told him who you were till he was older and knew more of his worth, so you couldn't convince him otherwise, like you did me.

After having my son, I realized I WAS a good person. I did the best I could. Having a human being who was dependant on me changed my world. I had to step up to the plate and be the best parent I could be. I didn't want him to grow up like us. I never felt worthy. Some days I still don't. But I tried my damndest to be the best parent I knew how to be. I still do. He's a good human, and that was my goal.

I really wished things could have been different. God knows I tried. I still pray for you. (ok, not daily, and to be honest, you aren't on my mind a lot, but I wish you could finally find true happiness and get over yourself.)

I wish you well, I honestly do. I hope if you try to contact my son, or if he contacts you, that you treat him like a good human. He deserves that and so much more. -

I just had to get that off my chest. 

Well, crap

 Geesh. I guess lately I only write when I'm in the feels. 

I was just telling my cat it's one of those days. She was cradled in my arms purring. When she sees me start to crochet she has to let me know she is a priority and climbs on me and settles in my arms till the thought of crocheting goes away. I love her for that. This cat was one that I had a hard time with at first because she never wanted petted or touched. She was a new kitten when I got her, and she just wasn't social. My other cat was the affectionate one, and now it's reversed. The older cat is 10 this year. The younger one is maybe 4 or 5? 

I just woke up feeling extra lonely today. I will be ready for winter to be over. Even if I don't leave the house I want fresh air wafting through the windows. I want to sit out on my porch with a good book and listen to the birds. I actually want to mow my yard. I may have found some walking buddies in town when the weather gets nice, so I'm ready. 

The closest JoAnn's to me is closing. I'm sad to see them liquidate, but I really didn't shop their that much. When I did it was only when they had great sales, or it was something I really needed. I like Hobby Lobby better for yarn, but since they are only in the bigger cities it's usually not worth the drive and dealing with the traffic. JoAnns is also a good excuse to see my son and wife. :) I feel guilty sometimes when I stop over because he's been working a lot of hours, but I miss my kid. I know he's not a kid anymore, but he will always be my baby. I'm so proud of the man he has become. Hard worker, smart, and likes to learn stuff. He's a good human, and I couldn't love and respect him any more than I already do. I'm so glad he found someone to share his life with. She's good to him and for him, and I love her all the more for that.  

So, I did a thing. I sent a Christmas card to my high school crush. I didn't tell him I had a crush since Jr. High, I just thanked him for being nice to me in school, and that I always thought fondly of him. I gave him all my contact information, and told him how I got his address. 

Valentines day has come and gone, and crickets. I was kind of expecting that. He was pretty shy in school, all those many years ago. My inside information said he was single, and not doing well physically. I thought maybe he would send a note or something, but nothing. My friend who gave me his address was more upset I didn't hear back. I told her it took me 50 years to say something, so I wasn't expecting a fast reply. I pray for his health and peace of mind daily, as I do my family and friends. 

I try to get out of the house at least once a week. The weather lately has been crap, and today is no exception. Another day at home. At least (weather permitting) I'm going out for a haircut Tuesday. I think it's supposed to be below zero that day, which I'm NOT looking forward to, but it will be good to get out of here. I think I've been home for 6 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a desert island. The bad thing is, if I get invited out or make plans I can often find a good excuse not to. I'm trying to do better, but I'm content not getting out 95% of the time. It's when that 5% kicks in that gets me. I'm not bored, I have plenty of things to do to keep me entertained. I've barely been reading lately, like I did last year. I'm working on my 3rd baby blanket for this year. (my goal is 7 by November for a charity thing, so that's on track.) I haven't even made birthday cards for this month. Oh Spring, wherefore art thou?????

Well, that's it for today. God bless you my friend. Thanks for listening. It's time to pull up my big girl panties and get on with my day. Journaling really does help. 

Life and Love

 I have always loved love. My favorite genre to read is clean romance. I don't need to read about sex when it's not in my life. 

I'm reading a really good book right now called Lowcountry Lost by T I Lowe. It's been really good, but it just made me really sad. The love in this book seems so real. It's made me yearn for what I don't have. 

I have been in love a few times. Married once, lived with a guy once. Had boyfriends, one I loved desperately, and others that were not for me. 3 serious loves in my life. The husband called it quits after 4 years. Guy I lived with decided he liked a friend of mine better than he did me. The boyfriend I loved desperately had a drinking problem, so I had to walk away. 

I love people. My son, his wife, friends, family. 

The love in the book I'm reading goes back to childhood. Just reading about the feelings they have shared through their whole life so far just reminded me I'm not going to have that. I don't even know what to write, but I need it to leave my head and go out my fingers. It just saddens me that there is no one I can do sweet little things for, no one to wrap their arms around me when I need it, or even when I don't need it. (I guess there is such a thing) I really miss having a special man in my life. 

I'm 65 now. I just... I don't know.... feel like I missed out on a big part of life. I just wish it could have been different, but I don't know how I could have changed it. 

I'm just in my feels tonight, and no one wants to hear that.  I don't even know what to pray about that anymore.

God Bless. 

I hope you have good love in your life.  

Sometimes Family Sucks

 I'm in a mood. I miss my brother, the way he use to be. Sort of. 

He has pretty much always been a jerk to me, but he thinks he's funny. He just says things for the laughs. I just don't even know what to write. I love him, but I don't like him very much a lot of the time. He takes every opportunity to make fun of me, one way or another. 

When my son was born we ran into each other while visiting my aunt and uncle. My son was a newborn, and my brother was telling my family that it's a shame if you want to see my son you have to see me too. (hahaha<------sarcasm)  :(

I took my son over to his house for trick or treat every year. They were the only reason we drove 20 miles on Halloween. His wife had made treat bags for all of the nieces and nephews on her side of the family, but apologized to my son because she had nothing to give him. She told him she would make it up to him later. That never happened. He was 5.  (I had made up a will when he was 6 months old in case anything happened to me, and they were suppose to get custody of him, and they can't remember him at Halloween???). They were good parents, raised great kids and the grands are spoiled, but in a good way. I thought they would be good to my son, but not when I'm around. 

Another Halloween, we drove all the way over there just to see them, but they weren't home. Turns out they got a van and went trick or treating with their grandson, it was a whole family thing. We only went over there every Halloween since my son was born. A heads up would have been nice. 

Then there was the sand episode. I had gotten my son a sandbox, but hadn't gotten sand yet. He called and asked if I wanted sand, and I said sure. Then he said how they were getting new sand for the grandson since this sand tracks in the house so they are getting a better kind. He would have it in buckets outside, so just come by when I can. When I went to get it, it was raining and there wasn't anything on top of the two buckets. I tried to get as much water out of them as possible, but wet sand is heavy. I got one in the trunk and left the other one. I didn't want to risk a mess in my car. He called me later and said I forgot one. I explained about the water and just told him I didn't want it. He wasn't happy, but neither was I. 

Ya know, he can dis me all he wants. I expect it, but not in front of my kid. My son has told me that he has said rough things about me even when he sees him out in the wild. He said it's strange how he always chuckles as he gives me a dig. I'm glad my son knows me the way he does. If he listened to my brothers "jokes" he would have no respect for me. He also thinks my brother is an ass. 

When my mom passed away, my dad was devastated. He could barely function. My sister and I depended on my brother, since he was the elder. Everything went to crap when he got married. Sad to see. 

There are many more episodes I could write about, but I'm tired of thinking about it. I just had to get it out of my brain so I can get on with my day. 

I miss him. I just wish he wasn't an ass. 

God bless. 

The people who can hurt you the most are the ones you love. 

39 Years

 Today would have been my anniversary. I'm missing things that could have been, should have been. Would have been. 

He's on wife number 3, last I heard. So maybe it wasn't a "me" problem after all....

God Bless. 

Seize the day.